Too often we give others the power to make us happy or sad. Thomas Fiffer offers five powerful keys to taking your emotional life back.
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She lamented, “If he would only decide that he really wants to be with me, I would be so happy.”
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One summer a number of years ago, I was riding the commuter train into New York, and an attractive young woman sat down next to me. Dark hair, green eyes, slender build, engaging smile. She was quite forward and wasted no time starting a conversation. She also let me know immediately how smart she was. I quickly learned she was a freshman at a prestigious Ivy League university with a coveted summer internship at a prestigious foundation. She then turned to the topic of her boyfriend, who was a year younger and had just finished high school, and who had the nerve to start dating another girl when my seat mate went off to college. She and the boyfriend were still “more than best friends,” and this bright, beautiful girl was trying to accept the idea that she would be one of two women in his dating life. She lamented, “If he would only decide that he really wants to be with me, I would be so happy.” I turned and said to her, “Why on earth are you giving him that power?” I asked her what she wanted and told her that if her so-called boyfriend couldn’t give it to her, she should go find it somewhere else. I explained they don’t teach these things in college. She was astonished.
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Emotional independence is nothing more than the power to make choices and the integrity to align those choices with our needs.
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Most of us fundamentally misunderstand emotional independence. We think it means not needing anyone or being alone. Emotional independence is nothing more than the power to make choices and the integrity to align those choices with our needs. We can choose the peace and simplicity of solitude, or we can embrace the excitement of intimacy and the complexity of long-term companionship. Either way, we must understand these are choices we make, not choices that have been made for us. Mastering the five keys to emotional independence not only frees you to make personal choices that serve you but also enables you to close the door on pathways—and people—who don’t.
Think about how you take care of a house or car you own as opposed to one you lease or rent, and apply this attitudinal shift to your feelings.
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1. You are responsible for your own emotions. This means you—and not another person’s words, actions, beliefs, or lack thereof—are responsible for how you feel at any given moment. A person may say or do something hurtful, your partner may cheat on you or badmouth you to a friend, but the feelings of hurt, disappointment, anger and whatever else constitutes your reaction—these originate, exist in, and belong to you. Think about how you take care of a house or car you own as opposed to one you lease or rent, and apply this attitudinal shift to your feelings. You’ll start taking care of yourself—and others—differently.
Because the emotions you feel originate in you, it is up to you to deal with them and formulate a mature, healthy, and effective response.
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Ultimately, any treatment you apply is topical, for external use only; it may alleviate the symptoms, but it won’t cure the disease.
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Walk away from situations orchestrated to draw you in, induce a predictable reaction, start a fight, and pull you down to the other person’s level.
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Remember that you’re the author, producer, and director of your own play. You set the stage. You cast the characters. You choose the part you want.
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I’m having a really hard time with this post. I realize you say the following, “Obviously this doesn’t absolve you or give you carte blanche to enrage or hurt others,” yet this whole post seems to say that it doesn’t matter how mean someone is to you, you choose to be hurt by their actions. Maybe I’m missing the point and I would really love some help in understanding this. It’s really a huge thing in my life right now that I am struggling with.
I have an issue with point one and partially point two. I don’t disagree with them under normal circumstances BUT it is possible for your natural and unavoidable emotional reactions to be used against you. Feelings of terror, dread, helplessness among other feelings can be used to dent, bend and eventually break you if you can’t escape whats causing them. Just because the feelings originate in you and you own them does not mean that you are responsible for them, the responsibility for these feelings lies with the people or events that trigger them. There are ways for people to… Read more »
Luke, Thanks for bringing up these important points. I could write another piece on the difference between triggering and causing. The important thing is to get the help one needs to deal with powerful and overwhelming emotions.
1. You are responsible for your own emotions. 2. You are responsible for managing your own emotions. 3. You are never responsible for another person’s emotions or for managing their moods. 4. Never, ever take the bait. 5. Practice consistency. — These are great, Thomas – better, perhaps, than you know. It is precisely because of these principles that I refuse to accept the burden of shame and guilt that gets dumped upon men here in many articles on GMP, as well as in other outlets and discussions that try to make me responsible for the bad feelings other people… Read more »
Another beautifully written article.
Love your work.
Thank you very much, MC.
“Abusers are people who lack emotional control and won’t own the need to get help…”
This is the utter truth…We had to let go of some people very close to us because of this….and it is sad seeing people you love self-destruct…in the end, we decided it was healthiest for all of us not to enable such behavior and we walked away from them…and it was hard…
That is the hardest part…we could not change them or help them by being around them…we just had to leave…
Leia, Thank you for reminding us how sad it is to let go of people we love and stop enabling them to hurt us. It’s so hard we can’t bring ourselves to do it until we know in our hearts that staying is harder.
I say to my dear friend in a relationship where she is not fulfilled as much as she would like, you will do this until you are ready not to do this. Said it to myself for 4 years and finally ended a so so relationship I was in!!! We keep learning………..hopefully!!! I always say be kind and considerate but always be true to yourself. My hearts been broken a couple times!! :). Peace!
Did you mean to generalize that all abusers do not acknowledge their issues or accept the need for help? Something we still speak little about is when an abused person becomes the abuser..that was me. I was in an emotionally abusive relationship and left soon after it became physically violent but the damage had been done. I won’t go into details but this damage showed up in my life 2yrs later when I found myself with acute anxiety and depression (suicidal ideation)..my attitude changed..my personality..I was filled with so much self hatred that it was projecting outwards. I became emotionally… Read more »
Leslie, I certainly did not mean to suggest that abusers are not capable of change. But when they are in the pattern, they do not acknowledge that it is happening. They redefine their behavior as something other than abuse.
“…nothing more than the power to make choices and the integrity to align those choices with our needs.” I would add making those choices mindfully. We can make a choice, even a right choice, but lose the power of that action because we weren’t present to all the emotional and somatic impact. I would add to your second point, “manage your moods to minimize their destructive impact on the people” that the real power comes from healing what drives these destructive emotions. I rebel when I hear manage. Own you impact your emotions have on others and own the underlining… Read more »
Owen, Thanks for both of your excellent points. They serve to refine and enhance the message.