Liskula Cohen and Matthew Rozsa discuss the difference between being a nice guy and being a good one.
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There is a difference between being a nice guy and being a good guy.
It’s easy to forget this, especially as the cliché that “nice guys finish last” is reaching a fever pitch among Men’s Rights Activists and self-proclaimed dating gurus. While usually intended as a complaint, however, critics often forget that there is a big difference between being “nice” and being “good.” Many of the men we admire most—and who are found extremely attractive by their partners—were known for being brilliant, opinionated, eccentric, vulgar … and yet, in their romantic relationships, incredibly kind, supportive, and loving.
While being “nice” merely involves knowing how to be polite, being “good” requires you to develop a genuine connection with the person you love.
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This is because while being “nice” merely involves knowing how to be polite (which people have a right to automatically expect from you), being “good” requires you to develop a genuine connection with the person you love. Similarly, while “nice” men are accommodating and pleasant, “good” men are interesting and bring something to the table that their partners can’t find anywhere else. Finally, these men didn’t view their significant others as rewards to be collected in return for following “nice guy” rules, but as true partners who shared and influenced their lives.
Here are five famous examples that illustrate this point:
1. John Adams (and Abigail Adams; Politics)
The second president of the United States referred to his wife Abigail as his “ballast,” an allusion to a navigational tool that would help lost boats acquire stability and orient themselves. As their voluminous correspondence demonstrates, John and Abigail based their relationship on a deep mutual respect for each other’s intelligence, shared political ideals, and strength in enduring the hardships of the Revolutionary War. When John faced disloyalty and chicanery during his careers as a diplomat and president, his relationship with Abigail—the one person with brainpower who he could fully trust—became vital to the success of his political career.
There is a saying, “Behind every good man there is a good woman.” Every man should acknowledge and appreciate when he’s got a wife who is willing to take these risks with him and support him.
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There is a saying, “Behind every good man there is a good woman.” Every man should acknowledge and appreciate when he’s got a wife who is willing to take these risks with him and support him.
2. Francis Crick (with Odile Crick; Molecular Biology)
While the Adamses came from Puritan stock, the Cricks were on the opposite extreme: They were Bohemians, intellectuals, and free thinkers straight out of a countercultural stereotype. Francis Crick was a molecular biologist, his wife Odile an art student trained in Vienna—and fate conspired to make their relationship one of the most important in the history of human genetics. After a night of partying and dropping LSD, Francis stumbled home and began rambling to his wife about visions of two spirals spinning in opposite directions, twirling together like pasta around a fork. Her resulting sketch was the double helix. By being on the same wavelength, Francis the scientist and Odile the artist were able to give humanity our understanding of the structure of DNA (as did Crick’s assistant, James Watson).
They didn’t just look for what was wrong, but also for what was right. And in the process, Odile’s love of art wound up making Francis’s greatest scientific contribution possible.
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Its part of the saying “opposites attract.” These were two people who came from different sides of the playing field in terms of their interests, but it didn’t stop them from having a successful relationship. They didn’t just look for what was wrong, but also for what was right. And in the process, Odile’s love of art wound up making Francis’s greatest scientific contribution possible.
3. Bill Gates (with Melinda Gates; Business/Philanthropy)
Bill Gates’s name may be synonymous with nerdiness, but his wife Melinda actually has the superior education—a fact that provides Bill with no shortage of amusement. That said, Melinda is more than just her husband’s intellectual equal; after years of incurring controversy with monopolistic business practices, Bill began to redeem his public image by pledging to give away all his wealth and in the process become one of history’s most generous philanthropists. By all accounts, the inspiration for that was Melinda’s influence on her husband. By bringing out the best in the man she loves, Melinda has managed to use that love to make the world a better place.
By bringing out the best in the man she loves, Melinda has managed to use that love to make the world a better place.
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One would hope that within every relationship, the two partners are capable of bringing out the best in their spouse. In my personal experience, I’ve only seen that happen sometimes, but it’s incredibly important. Wouldn’t it be great if all the other billionaires found women like Melinda?
4. Harry Houdini (with Bess Rahner; Magician)
Some stories have bittersweet endings. Like the other couples profiled here, Harry Houdini and his wife Bess were in a loving and faithful lifelong relationship, with Bess working as his stage assistant the entire time. After Harry’s tragic death in 1926 (on Halloween no less), Bess began to hold séances to see if her spouse would attempt to contact her. As an outspoken skeptic of occultism and spiritualism in his later years, Harry had agreed to use a secret password to communicate with his wife should he encounter her on the other side. By 1936, after one last failed séance, Bess famously told her friends, “Ten years is long enough to wait for any man.” Though she wanted very badly to see her one true love again, she refused to delude herself in a way that would have insulted his memory and the principles for which he stood.
Though she wanted very badly to see her one true love again, she refused to delude herself in a way that would have insulted his memory and the principles for which he stood.
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Men sometimes don’t realize how long women have the capacity to hold on and wait. It’s not uncommon for women—especially in literature—to wait for years and years, embracing the memory of the men who left them behind. It’s important for men to try to have these sentimental qualities just as much as women.
5. George Takei (with Brad Altman; Acting)
George Takei may be best known as Mr. Sulu on Star Trek, but he found his future partner Brad Altman after asking him for help—in this case, getting in shape with the eventual goal of competing in a marathon. Although they kept their relationship secret for many years, they remained faithful in both good times and bad, with George referring to Brad as a “saint” for helping care for his terminally ill mother. Eventually they were rewarded for their patience and loyalty by finally being allowed to legally wed in the state of California.
It doesn’t take a woman to notice what is a good man or how to be good in a relationship. Gender doesn’t determine these things; you don’t need a woman to know whether a man is good news or not.
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It doesn’t take a woman to notice what is a good man or how to be good in a relationship. Gender doesn’t determine these things; you don’t need a woman to know whether a man is good news or not. They also demonstrate that being faithful, even if it doesn’t lead to an immediate reward, can still be worth it.
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That, really, is the bottom line. A nice guy may be polite, but a good guy seeks to share his life with you in a meaningful way and brings something wonderful of his own to the table.
1. Photo – Via Tsuji/Flickr
2. Photo – Cliff/Flickr
3. Photo – Ioppear/Flickr
4. Photo – World Economic Forum/Flickr
5. Photo – Battle Creek CVB/Flickr
6. Photo – Nathan Rupert/Flickr
Please, please do not refer to Crick as either a good or nice guy. Read up on his shameful plagiarism, with regards to the work he used by Franklin and never gave credit to. They were going down the wrong path until they were made aware of her work. By the time they got the Nobel prize she had already passed. How convenient for them. We were taught about this back in the 90s in college so it’s a shame it’s still not well known. Always have to give credit where credit is due, but then maybe your achievement would… Read more »
Nice guys I think fall into two categories, polite guys and kind guys. Polite guys might be helpful, courteous, etc.; but it’s done out of obligation or because there is something expected. Kind men may not display all the social “niceties”, but are generous and compassionate because that is what they inherently are. Good guys have two categories also, responsible and idealistic. Those that are responsible will meet their obligations regardless of the morality. Those that are idealistic may not always meet their obligations, but will always strive to do what’s right. Like with the Myers Briggs personality test. I… Read more »
<blockquoteIt’s easy to forget this, especially as the cliché that “nice guys finish last” is reaching a fever pitch among Men’s Rights Activists and self-proclaimed dating gurus.
And those who don’t fit into either category and keep having their experiences repeatedly and baselessly gaslit by people with an axe to grind against MRAs and PUAs (how origianl).
@G… did you not read the title of this article? Some men try really hard to be “nice”, then their true persona comes out and they as you say people “throw them away when they don’t need them anymore”. A good man in inherently good and that always shines through…
Some guys do the best they can to stand b their word and help out someone who might need it, to the best of their ability You can call them nice, kind, good, pretty much whatever. But when that guy finally run out of steam or need to take care of some personal matters, and may need some help in return, he suddenly finds out most of the people he helped and thought were his friends all along, don’t have no intention of giving any time or help in return. How come then, that it’s the first guy who is… Read more »
I totally agreed with you Flying Kal. It is kind of like blaming the victim for committing the crime instead of the criminal.
I have read the article, Lisa and it doesn’t change the fact that Ms. Gates has not change her husband’s attitude about re-investing in the USA considering what the USA gave to Bill Gates that made him so wealthy. I don’t know why the article is praising Ms. Gates for her influence on her husband when all Bill Gates cares about is his beloved Indian workforce particularly when India was being hit by HIV. If Gates don’t like the USA, maybe then he should just leave the country and move to India.
Let’s face it. The only time people particularly women like nice guys is when they take full advantage of them and then throw them away when they don’t need them anymore.
If Melinda brought out the best part of Bill Gates, then why has Gates not brought back the good paying jobs to America plus developing research computer centers in America like he is doing in India? Why is Gates not fighting hard for unionization of American workers and taxing his share of taxes? Why is Gates not fighting for investing in America’s schools and the American work force? Seems to me that she failed to give him a moral conscience. Gates a nice guy and good guy? Not a chance!!! He spent too much of his time crushing any emerging… Read more »
OK, you win. Nice guys suck. They should all be jailed. Someone in Congress pass the law. Now can we all move on to something else, please? Scratch the please. That would be too nice, and I like my freedom.