Trying to disown the Monster we feed.
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I am not what happened to me, I am what I choose to become.
Francois de La Rochefoucauld
As you all must know by now, last Friday Elliot Rodger went on a killing spree. His first victims were his housemates; Cheng Yuan Hong, George Chen, and Weihan Wang. Afterwards he headed to the Alpha Phi sorority, where he was unable to get inside, possibly saving several women inside. Outside, he killed Veronika Weiss and Katherine Cooper. From there he went on a drive-by rampage, killing Christopher Michaels-Martinez. After it was all done, seven people were dead, including the shooter, and thirteen injured. And as with cases like this the immediate question is ‘why’?
He explained his reasoning in a vlog and a 140 page manifesto. It was because women wouldn’t have sex with to him. But if this is so, then why out of his six victims, four where men. Maybe the total female deaths might have been a lot higher if he’d been able to get into the sorority, but he started his rampage with his three male housemates.
Unlike most cases of mass shootings, where we are left with thousands of unanswered questions, this is a case where we have an open profile of who he was. His social media traffic, YouTube profile, and a ‘Manifesto’ give a pretty clear image of who he was and what his complaints were. And as much as we would love to think that someone messed up along the way, in hopes to stop the next one or to have someone to blame, the way the world works today, there is no way to have stopped him. Why?
Because we see him out there every day, and we keep feeding his monster.
He blamed his inferiority complex on his mother’s attempts to instill some humility on him. He blamed his failure with women on his father never teaching him how to talk to girls. He blamed his lack of confidence on PUA (Pick-Up Artist) Coaches failing him. He blamed his loneliness on women who couldn’t see what a great guy he was. He blamed his unhappiness on life being Unfair.
And through it all, he had the support and cheers of disgruntled guys on Men’s Rights sites and Pick-Up Artist online communities he frequented. And as most social sites run off to delete Rodger’s virtual footprint, the reality of the online immortality comes into play. All his rants about how he felt wronged by women and the replies of men who cheered him on and fed his ego will never go away. We can still find his trolling against men who, in his mind, didn’t deserve women’s attentions. His rants against non-white men who got together with white women were even more violent. The irony here is that he is half Asian.
His arrogant self-centered mentality is alive and well, being fed with every claim of “not all men” and every complaint about women’s privilege. His tactic of drowning everyone else’s problems by screaming his own as loud as possible is alive and kicking even as you read this.
He, like so many out there, was busy trying to blame everyone else, his arrogance fueled by the Pick-Up artist community and the Men’s Rights Movement, that now tries desperately to delete his profile history. The one thing he, like so many in these circles, refused to acknowledge was the possibility that the problem was him failing to take some accountability for his happiness, his actions, and his life. He desperately wanted to validate his manhood with money, power, or fame by whatever means possible, because that would translate to respect.
For him, sex was a validation of this respect, as is repeated over and over by the PUA community. So a woman not willing to sleep with him was a personal insult. And when all attempts to get that elusive ‘respect’ failed, he got guns. If he was feared, then he would be respected. Every time he was frustrated or things didn’t go his way, he took it out on the firing range. Sounds familiar?
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As a man, you have to take the time to look into the metaphoric mirror. Sometimes you’ll be exposed to the greatness of man, grow proud of what you are, and we all get to give each other hi-fives and go grab a beer around the manly campfire. Other times you won’t like what you see, realizing just how broken some things are and how much work you have to put into fixing them.
Or you could just rationalize the faults and find excuses for them, blame everyone else, rant about them online, and we all get to give each other virtual hi-fives and go troll the feminist hashtags to celebrate.
This #NotallMen mentality has become the counter culture of becoming a better man and yet Men’s Rights Movements refuse to see the damage it is causing. These men will blame feminism, women, and society in general for the failings and sufferings of all men. These men are connected by a brotherhood forged in suffering and a common hatred to anyone not agreeing with them. And let’s not kid ourselves, it is hate speech. They have no problem with grouping women into one group and expecting accountability from each of them.
Yet that mentality ends when you call them out to hold each other accountable for the actions of their brothers. At that moment they become an individual, removing any responsibility as they are not even responsible for their own actions. Again, sounds familiar?
We see men blaming anyone who is not a man (aka women) for the problems men face. I am in no way saying that men don’t have problems. We do have problems within society, of equality, and gender specific. Ironically, our greatest allies in this fight are the modern feminists, who understand full well how promoting gender equality is exactly that, gender equality. We see women policing each other’s comments and promoting men’s issues. Most of the activists I have met within the “Better Men Movements” actively fighting for men’s rights, are actually women!
Yet if we are more than willing to expect them to police themselves, we have to do the same. If we expect women and society to recognize where they have wronged us, we have to be willing to look into that same mirror and see what we DO wrong, what we have to change. Instead we prefer to act like little boys hiding behind their mothers’ skirts after having done something wrong, in this case that skirt is blaming feminism, women, and society in general.
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“If you think you’re man enough to do something; be man enough to deal with the consequences.” I can still hear those words echoing in my head. That was the most important lessons my mother taught me about being an adult. This was usually brought up every time I did something stupid as a boy, yet wasn’t willing to accept the punishment that came with it. It meant owning up to my mistakes; to others and, more importantly, to myself. It means I have to work hard for whatever I want in life, and understanding that life is not fair. It’s a simple concept, yet one that is rarely used. Guys are too busy denying their mistakes, justifying their actions, or blaming someone else.
As long as we keep playing “devil’s advocate” instead of calling out injustice, we keep feeding the monster. As long as we replace self-confidence with being feared, we keep feeding the monster. As long as we equate power and respect with controlling others, we feed the monster. And as long as we don’t realize just how much these self-centered petty men hurt our cause as men, we feed the monster.
And we will have another ‘Elliot Rodger’ to disown.
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Photo: Flickr/re_birf
“They have no problem with grouping women into one group and expecting accountability from each of them. ”
Irony.
This was a beautiful, beautiful piece and it made my eyes prick with tears. Thank you for writing it. “This #NotallMen mentality has become the counter culture of becoming a better man and yet Men’s Rights Movements refuse to see the damage it is causing. These men will blame feminism, women, and society in general for the failings and sufferings of all men. These men are connected by a brotherhood forged in suffering and a common hatred to anyone not agreeing with them. And let’s not kid ourselves, it is hate speech. They have no problem with grouping women into… Read more »
Thank you Eduardo, that was a thought provoking article.
Please keep writing, I greatly enjoy your articles.
“And let’s not kid ourselves, it is hate speech. They have no problem with grouping women into one group and expecting accountability from each of them.”
The irony is that a large portion of #Notallmen “derailing” comments are directed caused by authors who group men into one group and expect accountability from each of them. Cmon, it’s not rocket science to understand this…
There is another kind of gun violence that is regularly ignored. Police and Federal Agents can and do kill with near impunity, even bursting into the wrong house during a midnight “no knock” raid. The exception to this was a jury in Texas who acquitted a homeowner that shot and killed a SWAT cop during one of those illegal raids. They dress in black, wear Nazi helmets and use German made automatic weapons. The only thing missing are the swastika armbands. Would like to know if GMP will be covering this topic.
I appreciate the fact that this article at one point mentions the fact that his first victims, and half of all his victims, were male, and therefore the misogyny explanation doesn’t quite explain the whole thing. No doubt his participation in those online forums helped fuel his delusions and that should definitely part of the story.
Somehow I doubt the MRM sites told him to shoot his roommates.
Don’t ya know? The MRM caused WW2. It must be true, I heard it on an article comparing multiple groups that hate each other….as the same!!!11!1
Yes, we need to be held responsible for more things we have no control over. As if the male suicide rate wasn’t high enough as it is. This man did not blame everyone “who is not a man” for the problems he faced, he blamed *everyone* except himself. The proof is in the obviously all important (to some people) gender distribution of the body count. To play devil’s advocate, he hated other men twice as much as he hated women. Another example of this myopia, is the Nigerian terror group Boko Haram. There are piles of mutiliated school-boys bodies (hundreds)… Read more »
As every silent white guy was to blame
For every lynching in the Jim Crow South,
So every man must share the blame in this
Unless he stands and opens up his mouth.
Poetentiate, we have more control then we realize. Do you know what I have decided that I am responsible for? I am responsible for saying something when I hear women say disrespectful stuff about men. I am responsible for not allowing the media to give me negative ideas of men. I am responsible for picking media and enjoying media that does not disrespect men. I am responsible for *listening* to men and hearing them out and not dismissing their concerns. I am responsible for knowing when it’s time to listen and when it’s time tp speak. I am so very… Read more »
“Do you know what I have decided that I am responsible for? I am responsible for saying something when I hear women say disrespectful stuff about men. I am responsible for not allowing the media to give me negative ideas of men.” That’s great Erin, but respectfully, there is a difference between what culpability, responsibility or responsibilities an individual eagerly and voluntarily assigns themselves, through their own agency; between that, and what is assigned to them, or presumed of them, by someone else. When anyone is judging themselves they need not fear that they aren’t being judged reasonably or impartially.… Read more »
An old Cherokee is teaching his grandson about life. “A fight is going on inside me,” he said to the boy. “It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil – he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.” He continued, “The other is good – he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside you – and inside every other person, too.” The grandson thought about it for a minute… Read more »
That’s beautiful Alex. Thank you for sharing.
yes, it is what every other rights movement has done.
Recall Not All Feminists are Like That.
Why is it suddenly a problem when men do it?
This argument will start to make sense
When — and ONLY when —
There’s a rash of feminist violence
Committed against men.
Feminists use proxy violence. Its written into laws in every single westernised country. Men are to be believed to be perpertrators. Feminists use sympathetic males as there thugs. Feminists lobby to have men dragged from their homes, have them shamed in public, have their liberties stripped, sent through a court system that lacks due process, and imprisoned all at a womans say so. Some of these men endure that for 20,30,40 years until some point in time the truth comes out.
So only the thing men are responsible for is really evil. All that other stuff that seems evil, can’t be half as evil as violence. And if most of the violence in the world is still aimed at men, well that is just because they are evil, being in control of all that violence. Right? Somehow they just choose to aim it at one another. It has nothing to do with brainwashing and soul crushing. Ask all those dead Iraqi men. They were glad to die. Right? It is the women who are oppressed by these men’s choice to go… Read more »