Sometimes marriage is the only option.
I have a friend. He’s a brilliant writer. He’s into clothes and music and food. He probably spends too much time on Gawker. He’s kind and supportive and a little snarky at times, too. He’s also gay. His partner is a slightly-older scientist of some kind. They’ve been together for 20 years and have lived together for the past 15. They have a happy life, full of supportive family and mutual friends. They saw no need to formalize their relationship after New York recently began recognizing same-sex marriages.
Last week, they were away together in Colorado. My friend’s partner complained of pain in his back. It grew worse. They went to the hospital. Tests revealed nothing. The pain increased. Further tests showed no signs of any serious issue. The pain became unbearable. A third round of tests revealed a tumor on his spine. A tumor on the spine.
Throughout this ordeal my friend felt like a bystander. The doctors wouldn’t speak to him and the nurses treated him like an annoying friend of the family. He was family. This was his partner in terrible pain, thousands of miles from home in an inhospitable hospital. He couldn’t provide – and his partner couldn’t receive – the kind of comfort and input desperately needed from a loved one in such circumstances. He couldn’t ask the doctors tough questions and push them for an appropriate diagnosis or realistic prognosis. He felt marginalized and discriminated against, all while his partner was being squeezed by the vice of immense pain and a potential death sentence.
According to the doctors, the tumor, most likely, will be benign. Surgery was scheduled four days after they returned to New York. But before putting Colorado behind them, my friend and his partner went to City Hall. They got a marriage license and made plans for the wedding the following afternoon. And that day, I saw my friend in his best linen suit with a pink silk tie. He looked as empowered and elated as I’d ever seen him.
“Way to go, New York,” I said.
“Yeah,” my friend sighed with joy. “Yeah.”
—Photo Tony the Misfit/Flickr
About Andrew Cotto
My mom is a nurse in Colorado and I am grateful that she wouldn’t dream of marginalizing someone’s partner. But as proud of her as I am, this makes me sad, because my state has so far to go. Actually, most of them do. I just hope my generation gets its shit together and makes stories like this a quaint relic instead of a reality.
Thanks, Tori. I appreciate your thoughts and your hopes.
Best Regards,
Andrew
I love Good Men Project, and I love this article. Thank you Andrew. I am a bit snarky myself about gay marriage (why do we need it, why are we trying to achieve something that is already broken and flawed?), but stories like this really point out the importance. Simple. To the point. Heartfelt. Thank you.
Thanks, a lot, Matt. I appreciate your sentiments.
Best Regards,
Andrew
Great story. Its a sad story but it needs to be heard. Hopefully this will happen less often and we will have nationwide gay marriage and give gay couples the respect they deserve. I was recently asked if I knew of any happy couples and the first couple that came to mind was a gay couple, they have a strong solid relationship! They’re here, they’re queer GET USED TO IT!
Thanks, Mina. As always, said with the kind of stroke that belongs to only you.
Hey, by the way, where did Pam and I rank on your list of happy couples?
Best,
Andrew
you guys are on the top of the list, as a couple and as a family. That includes Kevin! LOL!
Thanks, Mina (from us and Kevin)!
This, THIS!! Way to go NY!
I am so glad your friends had this option. I wish all my friends did, too. I am so sorry that they had to face such heartless behaviour in the hospital.
May they have long, happy lives together.
Thanks, Kitti.
Agreed, on all of your points.
Best Regards,
Andrew
It breaks my heart that your friend faced such horrendous treatment. I’ve been watching my brother, who is also gay, deal with various forms of discrimination for years. That is one of the reasons that most of my family moved from the south to NY .
I know that most don’t consider situations like this when considering the benefits of a legal partnership. Articles like this are so important–and it’s important to write it well and with humanity–which you did.
Hi Melissa,
Thanks for adding insight into this important matter.
As always, I appreciate what you add to these conversations.
Best,
Andrew
So glad this ended well.
Thanks, Gabi.
Yeah, it definitely ended well. I appreciate your taking the time to express your support.
Best,
Andrew
Andrew, this piece is written with a great deal of grace and simplicity. Very powerful. Thanks so much for sharing this very human story in a very humane way.
Thank you, Martin!
My pleasure to share; I appreciate the compliment.
Best,
Andrew
Andrew..From right across the bridge in midtown Manhattan, thank you. Great piece. You point out that sometimes it takes an emergency to wake us up, and I know as a fellow New Yorker I take a lot of progressive rights very much for granted. But when I travel, I’m made aware we live in a special place here., full of freedoms others might not enjoy…I feel terrible your friends were treated so coldly in a time of such need. I hope they’ll find that the silver lining in this bad chapter was that marriage was a sweet surprise that they might never have gotten to experience otherwise….wish I had officiated the wedding myself! Thanks for sharing this perspective with us.
Hi Lili,
Thanks for your thoughts and for adding to the silver lining.
Best,
Andrew
Always great to read a story with a happy ending! Thanks for sharing Andy.
My pleasure, Todd.
Thanks for reading and writing back, brother.
Best,
Andy
Such a huge issue that really should be a non-issue. It’s a shame the rest of America can’t follow NYC’s progression. In due time… hopefully.
Agreed, Doug. Agreed. I see the non-issue happening sooner as opposed to later…
Best,
Andrew
Yeah, that. Sometimes marriage – no matter the gender of the people involved – is just the pragmatic, easier route. Often it should not be necessary, but we’re loaded with so many social expectations around this. Waiting for those expectations to expire is just going to take too long.
Glad to hear this ended well – and great that New York (and many other places) are finally getting same-sex marriage implemented.
Hi Lars,
Thanks for your thoughts. And, yeah, it’s nice to have the option, even if it is more a matter of pragmatics over romance.
Best,
Andrew
Thanks for the touching story.
Thank you, Black Iris, for the nice comment.
Best,
Andrew