Sometimes marriage is the only option.
I have a friend. He’s a brilliant writer. He’s into clothes and music and food. He probably spends too much time on Gawker. He’s kind and supportive and a little snarky at times, too. He’s also gay. His partner is a slightly-older scientist of some kind. They’ve been together for 20 years and have lived together for the past 15. They have a happy life, full of supportive family and mutual friends. They saw no need to formalize their relationship after New York recently began recognizing same-sex marriages.
Last week, they were away together in Colorado. My friend’s partner complained of pain in his back. It grew worse. They went to the hospital. Tests revealed nothing. The pain increased. Further tests showed no signs of any serious issue. The pain became unbearable. A third round of tests revealed a tumor on his spine. A tumor on the spine.
Throughout this ordeal my friend felt like a bystander. The doctors wouldn’t speak to him and the nurses treated him like an annoying friend of the family. He was family. This was his partner in terrible pain, thousands of miles from home in an inhospitable hospital. He couldn’t provide – and his partner couldn’t receive – the kind of comfort and input desperately needed from a loved one in such circumstances. He couldn’t ask the doctors tough questions and push them for an appropriate diagnosis or realistic prognosis. He felt marginalized and discriminated against, all while his partner was being squeezed by the vice of immense pain and a potential death sentence.
According to the doctors, the tumor, most likely, will be benign. Surgery was scheduled four days after they returned to New York. But before putting Colorado behind them, my friend and his partner went to City Hall. They got a marriage license and made plans for the wedding the following afternoon. And that day, I saw my friend in his best linen suit with a pink silk tie. He looked as empowered and elated as I’d ever seen him.
“Way to go, New York,” I said.
“Yeah,” my friend sighed with joy. “Yeah.”
—Photo Tony the Misfit/Flickr
About Andrew Cotto
Great article, Mr. C!! As the product of a 20-year gay couple who cannot marry in their state, you made me proud for addressing this all-too-common situation. I’d like to think that other states will jump on board, but unfortunately I think it’ll be a long time coming….let’s just hope Idaho won’t be the 50th!!
Why, thank you, Nik. I appreciate your perspective and for sharing how this directly relates to your life and the lives of so many others’.
For the record, I see Idaho getting in just before Mississippi but after Wyoming.
Best,
Mr. C
It’s a real shame that a hospital needs a law passed do what’s right for the patient…let alone the partner…
Common sense and simple human compassion have been whittled away by fear of being sued.
Don’t we have MUCH bigger problems to focus on than making life difficult for people who just want to take care of one another in this life. Great article, as usual!
Agreed, Mark. This shouldn’t even be an issue (or a campaign promise).
Well done, beautiful man.
Nice piece AC, well storied, well said!!
Thanks, dude. Hope all is well. Still woozy from the G-Man triumph?
Stories like this make me wanna shout from the rooftops…too many things to say about this…health-care is SUPPOSED to be compassionate. Not to mention what would happen to any spousal benefits, life insurance, etc., etc. We were supposed to all be flying around in jet-packs by 2012, and yet here we are, still in the dark ages in so many ways. Great article, Andrew!
Please, Lisa, shout it from the rooftops (or comment like you have here).
Much thanks!
Andrew