We’re an offender-obsessed society, L. Edward Day writes, and that needs to change.
I work for Penn State. I live in State College. It’s been a bad week. Those of us who work here have had the same reaction to the horrifying allegations of child sex abuse by Jerry Sandusky, the former defensive coordinator of our football team, that everyone else has. We’ve felt the same shock, disgust, and anger. But on top of the those emotions, we also have a personal sense of betrayal, embarrassment, and deep concern because it happened here, at our university, in our town.
And it was our kids.
And that’s what I want to talk about. This nation is having half of a conversation. The focus of the discussion has been on the perpetrator and those who did not do enough to stop him. The kids, though, aren’t there.
I’ve watched hours of television’s talking heads, from the legal experts on the news networks to the endless parade of college football analysts and players on ESPN, and the pattern is clear. Each one looks slightly downward and says something like, “First, I want to express my sadness and prayers for the victims.” Then, they look back up to camera and spend the rest of their time in vitriolic talk about who should go to prison and who should get fired, about who was legally guilty and who was morally flawed.
I’ve read newspaper columns, blog posts, discussion forums, and Facebook posts about what should happen to Sandusky, Joe Paterno, former university president Graham Spanier, and other Penn State administrators. I’m not sure I’ve seen an entire column inch devoted to the needs of the victims. The victims aren’t really a part of the public conversation. They’re the side show, just the stuff left behind by the people we really want to talk about, the people we want to hate.
Even when America’s favorite silly pop psychologist, Dr. Phil, showed up on CNN in the coverage of Joe Paterno’s firing, victims were given short shrift. He instead spent his time warning people how to spot sexual predators by looking for people who show too much interest in children, a segment which accomplished nothing beyond making youth workers everywhere the subject of paranoid fantasies. (I used to coach my kid’s soccer team. Thanks, Phil, for making me a suspect.)
Everyone has a plan for what we should do to everyone who was involved, no matter how tangentially, with one glaring exception. No one has a plan for the people who were hurt.
♦◊♦
As a society, we’ve already committed ourselves to paying hundreds of thousands of dollars, likely more, to investigate, try, incarcerate, and probably provide treatment for Sandusky. Penn State as an institution has already spent thousands of dollars reviewing the actions of administrators, determining to fire its iconic coach and president for their perceived moral failings in addressing the crimes. And it has committed itself to spend thousands more on a special investigative committee..
But for treatment for a 10 year-old boy who was raped in the shower?
Not a friggin’ dime.
Not from us.
Not from you.
Not from anyone.
This is the true moral failing, folks, and we’re all guilty. We have an obsession with offenders in this country. It doesn’t matter what the crime is. The justice system is completely offender centered. We spend our time, and our money, on the bad guys, arguing over what we should do to them, how we should do it, and for how long. We don’t give jack to the victims except a slight downward glance and a prayer. The victims aren’t a part of our discussions, they’re not the recipients of our funds. We want to hate, hit, and hurt those who have hurt others. I suppose that’s understandable. We don’t even know how to talk about those who have been hurt. I think that should be unacceptable.
It’s time we changed the national discussion. It’s time we changed our priorities. It’s time we talked about justice in terms of how we helped those who hurt, not how hard we hit back at the people who hurt them. True justice can’t be focused solely on retribution for the offender. True justice has to focus on the harm they caused.
What can you do? First, change the conversation. The next time you hear someone say, “I think [Person X] should rot in hell,” just ask them, “What would you do for the victims?” They’ll get quiet, but you didn’t ask the question to shut them up. You asked to get them thinking. Let them think about it for a bit. It’s not something we’re used to thinking about.
Need some talking points? As victims of child sexual abuse grow up, many suffer psychological problems such as depression, anxiety, or the whole host of symptoms associated with post-traumatic stress syndrome. They tend to have poorer physical health, eating disorders, problem with relationships, and suffer from sexual dysfunctions ranging from lack of interest to compulsive engagement in sexual activity. Accepted treatment protocols often go beyond what is supported by typical medical insurance programs. We’ve left these victims on their own. How would you change that?
♦◊♦
When you find out someone is a victim, learn to listen without judgment. The sad irony is many survivors feel deep guilt for the events. Although they were the victims and not perpetrators, many feel responsible for what happened to them and become ashamed to admit it occurred or, in therapy, often downplay the abuse and focus on other symptoms. Admitting the abuse can often be especially difficult for men who are expected to be in control of their environments. Make it okay to speak out. The victims who testified in the grand jury proceedings against Sandusky and who will testify again at the trial will be courageous young men. But, hell, let’s face ourselves. If it’s take courage to speak out about this, it’s because the rest of us have created an environment that makes it difficult. Change that.
And, for God’s sake, knock off the “they’re permanently scarred” and “their lives are ruined” crap. We have this odd demand in our culture that victimhood should be permanent, that once victimized, the victims should adopt that role as their identity and display their pain to us daily. The truth is, we want that only to justify our continued hatred of the offender. When you do that, though, you’re actively continuing the victimization. You’re denying those people their right and their opportunity for a full and fulfilling life. If we really gave a damn about the victims, we’d allow them to heal. Sure, they’ll carry scars, but there are a lot of NFL running backs with scars on their knees and they run just fine. Most victims of child abuse recover and live fine lives. They don’t forget, but they move on. People go through horrible things. People recover from horrible things. Saying otherwise helps create the environment that makes speaking out difficult. Keep the sensitivity to their pain—that’s a good thing—but let them heal.
Finally, remember that when you look downward and say you feel bad for the victims, then look up and shout for someone’s head, you haven’t done a damn thing for the people who were hurt. If you really feel bad for them, put your money where your mouth is. The criminal justice system is designed to make you pay for the offender, but you have to help the victims yourself. Pull out your checkbook and fire one off to a group that helps provide services to victims of child sexual abuse, organizations like Childhelp or the National Children’s Alliance. Better yet, find a local group if you can. Your donation doesn’t have to be large, but if everyone who spent the last week screaming for someone to be fired sent a small donation to one of these groups, victims around the country would get the help they need.
C’mon man. Do something.
—Photo L.C.Nøttaasen/Flickr
♦◊♦
The GMP on Penn State:
We Are?
Paterno and Pedestals, Julie Gillis
When the Game Becomes Religion, Gary Percesepe
Male Lust Arrives in Happy Valley, Tom Matlack
Destroying a Young Boy’s Soul, Ken Solin
Power Is at the Core of Sexual Harassment, Mervyn Kaufman
The Tragic Lionization of Joe Paterno, Tom Ley
Men, Monsters, and the Media, Nicole Johnson
Loyalty and Responsibility at Penn State, Andrew Smiler
Jerry Sandusky and Penn State: A Familiar Story, Sophia Sadinsky
Beware the Legacy You Are Protecting: Winning Isn’t Everything, Eli Kaplan
Institutional Injustice: Why Rooting For Universities Breeds Immorality, Aaron Gordon
I Failed, Rick Morris
Sandusky-ed, Tim Green
Penn State: What Are We Talking About?, L. Edward Day
We (Still) Are, Cameron Conaway
Cognitive Dissonance and the Sandusky Situation, Justin Cascio
Start Snitching, David Perez
♦◊♦
Four months later, what have those feeling guilty done about this? Has anyone acted on his or her guilty feelings about their responsibility in this matter? What action have you taken? What positive results have you accomplished?
I would like to see a follow up article answering these questions, especially from the author of this post. I hope we’re not living in a world where “taking responsibility” merely means verbally stating one is guilty, and then never actually expending any effort or making any sacrifice to correct the situation.
Kirsten,
I have, of course, done those things I suggested in the article (among others). It’s not much, but based on the comments of victims here and elsewhere, they were much appreciated. Try them.
Great! Speciifcally, what have you done? What have others done?
So the author of this piece was pretty clear that he felt he was guilty about not caring for the victims in this case and that he had an obligation to do something to help them. It would be great to see a follow-up piece wherein he discusses the action he is now taking as a result of his internal reflection and conclusion about his culpability in the matter. In other words, what is the author’s answer, now that some time has passed, to the question he poses in this article: What has he done for the victims?
In fact, it would be great to hear that from everyone who agreed with him about their collective guilt and responsibility in the matter. What have you all done for the victims?
OK, I’m really screwed up now–time for the big mea culpa. I was reviewing lots of media stories about this last night during the game and realized I had posted this comment on the wrong piece. The piece I meant this comment for is linked below, but I’m sure nobody is paying any attention to my rantings anymore. Sorry.
From now on I’ll either watch the damn game OR get involved in the discussion, I obviously have trouble doing both. Go Ducks (they won big).
http://www.oregonlive.com/opinion/index.ssf/2011/11/confessions_of_a_football_addi.html
This is one of the worst stories I’ve seen in decades of news watching and news reporting, but I wonder if the writer is being a little hard on himself by extrapolating out from this outrage to indict the entire system he has supported. I’m sure rules are bent and guidelines stretched all the time by most institutions in quest of the billion-dollar bonanza that is collegiate football, but this? I’m no expert (although my Ducks are battling Stanford this very moment and I’m glued to my set) but am I naive to think that this is likely an isolated–albeit… Read more »
Oops there’s two “wills” that shouldn’t be in the last graph, can’t take my eyes off this game
“The victims aren’t really a part of the public conversation.They’re the side show, just the stuff left behind by the people we really want to talk about, the people we want to hate.” Have you considered that maybe it’s because they are children and we don’t want to do any more harm to them by forcing them into the center ring of the public media circus? They’ve been violated without their consent once. Must we make this decision for them also without their consent, or can we maybe respect that they or their parents will come forward into the spotlight… Read more »
“These young people have my sympathy for sure. This is devastating for them and their families on many levels, I am certain. But it is not my moral responsibility to play a part in fixing every devastating situation on the planet. Indeed, that would be literally impossible.” No one is asking you to take global action, or indicting that you should. No one expects you to do the impossible. But, maybe you need to consider what is possible, and what you can do? Local is best when it comes to abuse. Very few have access to global influence, but local… Read more »
Are there people in Montana being or who have been sexually or otherwise abused? Yes. Do I know them or of them? Yes. In fact, Kalispell, Montana has recently had its own Penn State-like scandal: http://missoulian.com/news/local/article_6fb79e36-fe50-11e0-958d-001cc4c03286.html In short, 6 boys were kicked off a Kalispell high school football team and 2 have been charged with assault for sexual acts they allegedly committed against other team members. This took place on a school bus in transit with at least two adults present who did nothing to stop it. One of them was the coach who claims to have been asleep in… Read more »
Sorry – I’d love to have time to reply to all your points – but, I have to save the planet!
Imagine That!
Keep up the good work!
Kirsten you obviously have no idea what the hell you’re talking about. It is our failure as a society that the victims are being forgotten. And if you are not a part of our society, then you should probably not read and comment on topics like this. It is OUR justice system that is offender based. It is pretty easy to sit back and say “It’s not my school. I’m not responsible for their actions.” It would be easy to say that. But the truth is it is our system and it is failing. Ed Day simply said there are… Read more »
Have you considered that maybe it’s because they are children and we don’t want to do any more harm to them by forcing them into the center ring of the public media circus? That may be true for some people, but most people really are more interested in hating and demonizing the abuser than talking to the victims and dealing with the aftermath. I cannot keep track of how many times someone says to me “You must hate them” whenever I mention my past. No one asks me about how I manage or what my day is like. No one… Read more »
From Riot to Vigil? Catharsis is not everything. We have still not heard form the (alleged) Victims. As always their quiet voices go unheard until at least one person listens. I hope they will be allowed to be heard in court – but any further public comment should be very much at their own discretion. I’m proud that voices like that of Theoren “Theo” Fleury are being raised and heard, and that it has prompted many to start to re-evaluate what they thought they knew and who they should listen to. He does not want to be a poster boy… Read more »
I’d like to add that I’m proud of the thousands of students who showed up on campus last night for the candlelight vigil for the victims, far outnumbering those students who participated in the widely covered riot earlier in the week.
And for you local folks heading to today’s game, please notice the donation boxes for local child abuse prevention organizations set up at every stadium entrance.
Thank you for the kind comments, the victim’s perspective, and the sound first aid advice.
Sending money is one way to help. But, a better way is to know how to respond – to provide First Aid – should you be the one to encounter the supposedly unthinkable. Many will see it as a civic duty to be able to provide First Aid – give CPR, staunch the flow of blood, even remove a splinter from a finger tip. So many never receive training on how to respond to other Injuries where the first responder can make a real difference to a life. The skills of responding to abuse are not peculiar to children –… Read more »
Thanks so much for the shift in focus!
Thank you for writing this. I was serially and extensively abused as a child. I have a hard time admitting that, even at 53, to people I don’t know. I have a harder time articulating the frustration I feel with the media’s obsession with the people that perpetrate. I believe we are a nation in denial and that to attend to the victims would be to admit to ourselves that these things happen. Of course, the wolf is most frequently locked in our own homes, meaning that most rape happens by close family members and we are certainly, in general,… Read more »
Thank you, Nicole, for your strength and courage in posting what you did. As a fellow survivor, I know just how hard it probably was, and I can say “ditto” or “exactly!” to all the points you made. Sexual abuse survivors often face a kind of dual victimization, as Ed points out. I actually had someone who should have known better say to me a while back, “It must not have been that bad because you got married and have a normal life now.” Instead of supporting me in my struggle to heal as fully as possible, to live as… Read more »