Ask yourself what rape really is, and whether or not it is ever OK.
—
Trigger warning for sexual violence.
According to the FBI, as of January 1, 2013, rape is defined as:
“Penetration, no matter how slight, of the vagina or anus with any body part or object, or oral penetration by a sex organ of another person, without the consent of the victim.”
354 — That’s how many times I’ve tried to complete the same jump in the motocross video game I have been playing today. And that’s not just how many times I’ve tried to completed it ever, but just this time. And this time I found out that the game has limits:
1. You have a maximum of 500 attempts at the same course before it fails you automatically.
2. You only have 30 minutes to complete each course before it fails you automatically.
I’m afraid someone will touch me “wrong” with a kind gesture on the shoulder and I’ll react like I did when my friend tossed me a Ding Dong. His father had to pull me off of him before I choked him to death.
|
I’ve been trying to write about this for over three weeks now. Last Friday, it came to a head and the effects of post traumatic stress disorder have been unrelenting since. I have a great job — I work from home, and I get paid well for the work that I do. I have an excellent benefits package. And, they haven’t fired me yet, even though I haven’t been to work since Friday.
I’m using dictation software to type out these words, which makes them feel clumsy, but I have to trick myself into writing them, at least for now. And thank god it’s a new fucking year.
Post traumatic stress disorder is difficult to define if you’ve never had it. I’ve spent the last year almost completely agoraphobic. People might interpret that as me being afraid to go outside because I might get hurt there. But the truth is that my adrenaline level has been so elevated that I’m afraid someone will touch me “wrong” with a kind gesture on the shoulder and I’ll react like I did when my friend tossed me a Ding Dong. His father had to pull me off of him before I choked him to death.
I don’t want to hurt anyone. Not anymore.
So, these days, when I walk outside with an 800 pound gorilla standing on top of my chest preventing me from breathing, I wear headphones. Playing music so loud that I cannot hear things around me that I do not expect; a serenity currently achieved with “Take Me to Church” by Hozier.
While at the grocery store, I told my friend (a war veteran who also suffers from PTSD) that everything was “too bright and looked like I was in a cartoon.” All the noises were melting together into one noise. And we were talking me off the ledge to remember that just because I’m broken doesn’t mean I’m insane.
My particular brand of PTSD doesn’t come from war. It comes from a childhood that for the most part, I can’t remember. I do know this:
- My parents broke my bones.
- I was raped repeatedly for four years.
- My official diagnosis is severe complex post traumatic stress disorder.
- I’ve been unmedicated for over 10 years and have, for the most part, been able to manage my symptoms with coping techniques such as meditation.
- I haven’t been able to stop crying since last Friday.
- As of last year, I no longer talk to anyone who is genetically related to me.
- I did not come out of my childhood innocent.
On Friday morning, I read the following report: “Controversial ‘rectal feeding’ technique used to control detainees’ behaviour”
Normally, as a writer I would go back and source the original quotes.
… I was between the ages of five and nine years old when someone “conducted a rectal exam” “without a determination of medical need” “with excessive force.” It “made me more amenable to cooperation.” And it “demonstrated total control over me.”
|
I had to go to the doctor on Monday. After testing me for pulmonary embolism, we both agreed that the physical symptoms I came in for (inability to breathe, racing heart, all nerves on end, insomnia, headache, etc.) were all due to PTSD. He prescribed me Xanax as a temporary fix.
I am a writer as Rilke defines it: one who is compelled to write.
Four days and several Xanax later, I am quoting the quoter. It’s sloppy as fuck, and the best I can do today. Maybe ever.
From that report:
“The CIA forced the nutrient enemas on two detainees who attempted hunger strikes, a third who ‘partially refus[ed] liquids’, a fourth ‘without a determination of medical need’, and a fifth whose case details are not divulged.
Agency operatives had explicitly considered other methods of force-feeding, the report shows, but opted to subject detainees to rectal infusions at least in part because its officers considered them ‘a means of behavior control’. One medical officer wrote that ‘[w]hile IV infusion is safe and effective, we were impressed with the ancillary effectiveness of rectal of ending the water refusal.’
An officer also wrote: “We used the largest Ewal [sic] tube we had.'”
CIA records showed at least one detainee, Mustafa al-Hawsawi, suffered from an anal fissure, chronic hemorrhoids and symptomatic rectal prolapse after a rectal infusion. The Senate report also found that CIA leadership was notified of allegations that rectal exams were conducted with ‘excessive force’.
The Senate report stresses that the CIA did not have detainees’ survival as its top priority when it administered the enemas. An unnamed person in the report said the enemas helped to ‘clear a person’s head’, suggesting detainees would be more amenable to cooperation afterward, and a chief of interrogation in characterized the procedure as a demonstration of ‘total control over the detainee’.”
Don’t like ads? Become a supporter and enjoy The Good Men Project ad free
I don’t want to debate the value of torture in extracting information. I don’t want to debate torture’s morality or immorality. I simply want to call things what they are.
I want to say that I was between the ages of five and nine years old when someone “conducted a rectal exam” “without a determination of medical need” “with excessive force.” It “made me more amenable to cooperation.” And it “demonstrated total control over me.”
Somedays, it still does.
I was raped.
They were too.
—
Photo: Flickr/FiDalwood
Michael,
Thank you for your searing honesty and your openness. It will inspire and help others, although I know that’s part of the reason we write is to help ourselves as much as we help others.
I’ve been so overwhelmed by this story that I’ve not been able to say anything about this, and so I’m doubly grateful to you for finding words.
You are not alone, it was not your fault, it is possible to heal, and it’s never too late.
Best,
Chris
Christopher,
I was/am also overwhelmed and honestly spent the first few weeks praying for anyone else to speak. Thank you so much for your honest and heartfelt response. It’s so good to be not alone. And hear a little hope.
Best,
-Michael
You are welcome Michael. If you’re not familiar with MaleSurvivor, I’d recommend taking a look at our website. I’m happy to answer any Q’s you might have about what we do.
You are far from alone.
Chris
This is something deep. I love to read……Thank you my Friend.
Fabrizio,
Thank you for your kind response.
Best,
-Michael
I want to thank each and every one of you who have commented here. When we, as editors, select a story like this for publication we type with our fingers crossed, hoping we’re going to post on that one day in history when only compassionate souls will be reading, hoping that people will allow themselves to be touched, even changed, but more than anything, hoping that our writers will be heard and honored for their perspectives and their voices. You have all made one editor remember why she’s here. And Michael, these are only the ripples you can see, they’re… Read more »
Dixie,
Thank you.
-Michael
I don’t support rape as torture. I think that when we condone it, then we imply someone could “deserve” to be raped, which is not only horrific but untrue.
Rape is not a punishment. It is not an action we should use to force compliance or obedience, because that is what abusers do. We shouldn’t be thinking like rapists, and then claim it was in the interest of public safety. Rape is a weapon, and in no circumstances is it a defensible one.
No one “deserves” to be a victim, and no one invites their own victimization.
Alex,
Thank you for your response. I agree. Will all of that. Rape has been historically used as a weapon of war for centuries. It’s still being used as one today. I think most people would agree with what you’ve just said. At least I hope so. And once we start by calling things what they are… we can begin to have a dialogue about our own morality and what we have chosen not to see. And why we’ve chosen not to see it. At least… I hope so.
Best,
-Michael
Agreed. It’s a form of having power over another and forcing your will on them. It’s fucked up. It’s the worse kind of violation Because it hits at the core of one’s person. Sharing such personal trauma to invoke such an article must have taken a mountain of courage. I know how hard it is to share such an experience can be my friend. Making it part of your survival, helps to promote healing not only in you but other’s too. Thanks for sharing.
Lea
Lea,
Thank you my friend. Really… Just thank you.
-Michael
Thank you for having the courage to write with such honesty and rawness…I think abusers wish that survivors would just STFU…sometimes I get triggered when I read some news items on the internet (and sometimes it may have nothing to do with physical abuse)…abuse can come in so many forms, each is damaging and awful in its own way… After I found out I was being stalked, it was sometimes hard to even get in a car and drive…I would drive somewhere and feel like there was little air in the car…my heart would beat fast and I would feel… Read more »
Leia,
Thank you for the kind response. In my experience, almost everyone wishes people who are survivors would “STFU.” For some it’s so they don’t feel guilty. For others so they don’t remember.
In a poem I wrote a while back there is a line that states:
“and no weapon on earth can kill more
than Words Unspoken.”
Thank you for speaking your words here. In a very real way, your words spoken help us all with our words spoken; it’s good to be not alone.
Best,
-Michael
Thank you for writing this Michael. It takes strength and courage to speak out as a survivor. I started a website that voices survivor stories. Recently I have been coming across many men stories. It gives me hope to know that men are speaking out and coming forward. A survivor myself I understand the pain that comes from rape: physically, mentally and spiritually. As I continue walking my own healing journey I am filled with a peace that I never thought was possible. No longer do I struggle with PTS(D). I wish you all the best in your healing journey… Read more »
Ruth, Thank you so much for your kind words. I’m so glad to hear your struggle has gotten better. It gives me hope. I honestly don’t know if it’s strength, courage or just a need to state what things are in a world that often calls them what they’re not. I only know that I am a writer. So I write. That’s what I do. I applaud you for making a space for others who need to speak. Without spaces like that, like the space here at The Good Men Project, there would be no place for any voice but… Read more »
Very courageous, thanks for speaking out.
Jasmin,
Thank you. All I can do is speak.
Best,
-Michael
I was diagnosed with ptsd in 1996 after being attacked by 5 men being beaten and stabbed multiple times and left for dead only because I am a gay man. With my Dr help I am mostly off of all medication and use chamomile pills to maintain. I have doing good till recently. I was on a reality TV show and being in the spotlight even tho brief the show was cancelled. I have suffered a broken nose and threats since I got home. Sometimes I have to make myself walk out my front door. And I am very active… Read more »
James,
I understand the difficulty of the simple things: such as walking out the front door. Thank you for your kind words. Especially high praise when your own strength and courage are so commendable with continuing to help those who struggle while you struggle yourself. Keep up the good work.
Best,
-Michael
I’m a survivor, too. Not of systematic, repeated trauma. But it does help me relate to how you feel and help me to appreciate your courage. I’m female. There are more resources and there’s more sympathy for me as a survivor than available to male survivors, and this is an intolerable unfairness. So many men who survive horrible traumas have to go it alone. You are amazing to speak out and keep speaking out, to seek help and to keep on with everyday life. That alone, just staying the course of everyday existence, requires such astonishing courage from survivors of… Read more »
Robbie,
I’m glad you survived. I’m glad you’re here and I’m glad you’re speaking. Thank you for your kind, insightful, thoughtful and encouraging words. And thank you so very much for your thoughts and prayers. I need ’em. Mine are with you as well.
I’ll take care of me, please do the same for you.
Best,
-Michael
Thank you so much for such a personal and powerful piece of writing. You’re right: Rape is rape and no amount of sugar-coating is ever going to change that. It’s infuriating to me that it even needs to be pointed out. Keep going, Mr. Barry. You’re doing the world a favour just by existing.
Kashmir,
Thank you for your kind words. Just, thank you.
Best,
-Michael
Wow. That’s heavy stuff. I can’t imagine the shame that you and they must have felt even though it wasn’t your/their fault. I admire your courage and hope that the people in question got appropriately punished.
Humanity seems to have been abandoned in the name of ‘security’ in the case of CIA torture.
Will,
Humanity, I believe, is a key point… and must be removed from the one being raped in the eyes of the perpetrator in order for the crime to occur in the first place. It is a crime of power. Creating the “other” is a major part of that.
Thank you for your kind words.
Best,
-Michael