Los Angeles SlutWalk steering committee member and GMPM columnist Hugo Schwyzer argues that SlutWalk is for men, too.
The sluts are in the streets. From L.A. to London, Minneapolis to Melbourne, this has become “SlutWalk spring.” (Down under, I suppose it’s “SlutWalk Fall.”) SlutWalk began in Toronto, Canada, in response to a police officer’s remark that if women wanted to avoid being raped, they shouldn’t dress like sluts. That exercise in victim-blaming led Heather Jarvis, Sonya Barnett, and a handful of their friends to put together a small march and rally through the streets of Canada’s largest city on April 3.
Perhaps it was the controversy around the name, or perhaps it was the cause itself, but in the less than eight weeks since that first SlutWalk, the movement has become a global phenomenon with widespread press attention. Satellite SlutWalks have taken place or are in the planning stages on six continents. The Los Angeles SlutWalk happens on June 4; I’m proud to be on the steering committee for what we expect will be a major event.
There are many reasons why men should be involved with SlutWalk. The important ones have nothing to do with what the women marching might—or might not—be wearing. (There is no dress code for SlutWalk, and past marches have seen folks rally in everything from bathrobes to bikinis to Brooks Brothers suits.)
When that cop in Toronto made that unfortunate remark about women “dressing like sluts” being more likely to be raped, he was telling a partial truth. He wasn’t right about who gets sexually assaulted—there is no study that shows that women in miniskirts or tube tops are statistically at greater risk of rape than their more modestly-clad sisters. Rather, he was telling a truth about how our culture sees men. And that truth is based on one very great lie.
I’ve been doing work around gender and sexual violence for nearly 25 years. I developed my college’s first interdisciplinary course on “Men and Masculinity” a decade ago. And in all my years of teaching and activism, I’ve come to believe that there’s one lie that’s bigger than any other we tell about men: we cannot reconcile our arousal and our compassion. In other words, the lie says we can’t truly respect what we also desire.
More than a few men, if they’re honest with themselves, know that this isn’t true for them. As boyfriends and husbands, many straight guys discover that they can both lust after and be genuinely in love with the same woman at the same time. We learn (most of us) that the older boys in the locker room were wrong: a hard dick can have a conscience. But we often suspect we’re the only ones who can reconcile our libidos with our ethics.
And so out of fear what other men might do (or, perhaps, what we fear we might dream of doing ourselves) we urge our little sisters and our daughters to “cover up”, to avoid dressing “slutty” in order to ensure respect for men. Deep down, we know that the women we love are as vulnerable to rape in a mu-mu as in a miniskirt. Men rape as much out of rage as frustrated desire—and there is no outfit short of steel armor a woman can wear that will protect her from an obsessed stalker or a drunken frat boy filled with a sense of entitlement.
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I’m involved in organizing SlutWalk LA for many reasons. But I appreciate one assumption that the Toronto founders made in particular. Though what constitutes “slutty” clothing is obviously open to debate, SlutWalkers believe in men’s capacity to do two things at once: be aroused by what we see while honoring the humanity of the woman whose body attracts our eye. The most pernicious of all lies about men is that because of our makeup, lust and empathy can’t coexist within us. If you want kind and compassionate men who will respect women’s boundaries, the myth suggests, those women will have to conceal the parts of themselves that will turn men bestial and irresponsible.
There’s another lie SlutWalk refutes. It’s the one that says that men only need to “respect women who respect themselves.”
Too many of us still believe that “self-respect” for a woman means chastity and modesty. If she’s wearing revealing clothing, enjoys attention, and maybe even likes sex outside of a committed monogamous relationship, we call her a “slut”—and accuse her of not respecting herself. Perhaps she does respect herself, perhaps she doesn’t. (Promiscuity is not perfectly correlated with low self-esteem, despite what a lot of pop psychologists tell you.) But in the end, it doesn’t matter. Women aren’t commodities whose value is based on their own fluctuating sense of self-worth.
Common decency means respecting people because they’re people, not because of how we imagine they feel about themselves. So if a woman dresses in a way that we think invites sexual attention, or if she chooses multiple sexual partners, we’re not required to approve of her lifestyle or her fashion choices. But we are required to respect her right to move through public and private space unchallenged and unmolested. That’s not too much to ask for any man.
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When I was first publicly identified as an organizer of SlutWalk LA, someone sent me a tweet asking how I’d feel if my daughter turned out to be “a slut.” It’s not as offensive a question as it sounds. It was a reminder to me as a dad that I shouldn’t advocate for others what I wouldn’t want for my own child.
What I replied (in more than one 140 character tweet) was that my daughter was foremost in my mind when I committed to the SlutWalk campaign. I want a world where she is free to grow into a woman’s body without fear of being raped. I want her to have the freedom to express her sexuality safely and joyfully in whatever way she chooses, whenever she’s ready (and not a moment before). And I want her to grow up without shame about her own wanting and about her wanting to be wanted.
I want my daughter to grow up in a world in which all men are safe, responsible, reliable. We don’t have that world yet, of course. But the reason has nothing to do with biology: it has to do with our crushingly low expectations of men’s capacity to reconcile lust and humanity. In order for our daughters and little sisters and nieces to be safer, we must demand better of ourselves as men. And one way to start is to challenge the very roots of our thinking about sex, desire, and respect. That challenge is part of what SlutWalk is all about.
—Photo by troismarteaux/Flickr
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Lemme guess, a man wrote this right? Of course men who want some one night stand won’t call a woman at that time a slut…
Dude, a woman shouldn’t have to debase herself to just get acceptance. I’d rather be seen as modest than a revolving door. It’s amazing how a guy will sleep with the naked whore before sleeping with the girl who chooses to have moral values.
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I found this text from facebook. Many of my friends had relinked it, posted it to their friends’ walls and recommended it.
I think it’s one of the best entries on the subject I have ever read, and I will intend to recommend, relink and post it forward. Thank you very much for this!
yeah….i actli undrstud d topic n every content of d article…n nw i think i realy hve 2 change my mind 4 evry gud lukin or vry frndly gal….ty guyz
Dis is a vry intrsting topic…..
I’l also make my sociology project on dis gr8ly gr8 topic…..
Hugo, I love you. This: we cannot reconcile our arousal and our compassion. In other words, the lie says we can’t truly respect what we also desire – is a big fat lie you have nailed! Well done!
There are so many women working on this issue & I love that you advocate for simple, direct compassion.
Bravo!
@Hugo
“I want my daughter to grow up in a world in which all men are safe, responsible, reliable.”
The childishness of the slut walk campaigns aside – do you want your son to grow up in a world in which all women can be safely, responsibly and reliably trusted never to point a false accusing finger?
The consequences are life ruining and its frequency is hidden and lied about by the media and the intelligentsia.
Hugo writes:-
“I want my daughter to grow up in a world in which all men are safe, responsible, reliable.”
The crass childishness of the ‘Slut Walk’ campaigns aside – do you want your son to grow up in a world in which all women can be safely, responsibly and reliably trusted never to point a false acccusing finger ?
The consequences are life ruining and its frequency is hidden and lied about by the media and the intelligentsia.
Thank you!
I get it. I should feel free to leave my car unlocked with the windows down, keys in the ignition and cash on the seat and not be criticized or admonished by the police.
Fantastic article. The point about men being able to have a boner and conscience is especially great. If women are expected to treat men as victims of their (male) biology and uncontrollable urges in the face of visual stimulation… and given that visual stimulation is tremendously subjective culturally and individually (ie – in some places and times, displaying a bare shoulder is considered suggestive), why are men allowed to walk around untethered at all? They should all be locked up. Ironically, blaming ‘sluts’ is actually about the false victimization of men. Rapists don’t care about what women are wearing –… Read more »
This was one of the best pieces I have read on the issue of SLUTWALK and as to how shoud men take it, considering the phobia most men develop for a woman who is aware of her body. I am glad you have contextualised various points and given a personal example so as to prove that men think on such issues too and that they are definitely ready to accept women as human. Kudos!
Wonderful article, thank you so much. Sexual assault is not just a women’s issue, it is a man’s issue, it is EVERYONE’s issue!
Hi Hugo, I hope that men also learn to stop calling women sl*t, b*tch, and all the other misogynist and racist terms so many men across sexual orientation think are so cool that they’ll now call men the same things–which, as far as I can tell, does nothing at all to stop men from using them against women. What’s your experience with hearing the terms men call women? Any change over the years that you’ve noticed. To add to the conversation on Sl*twalk, I posted this: http://radicalprofeminist.blogspot.com/2011/05/sltwalk-another-point-of-view.html I would hope that women with lots of privilege would be accountable to… Read more »
I appreciate the points re: “the lie that says we can’t truly respect what we also desire.” However, re: why men rape (“Men rape as much out of rage as frustrated desire”), the root cause of rape is the rapist’s violent insistence on having power and control.
what is a female issue doing in a mens site? we have had affermative action for 40 years which is sex discrimination anti male at its best , I wanted to march to support womans movement to stop violence against women but was told no only females allowed as “we ” males assult women. I am sick of my taxes going to every womans program ever devised , women in business , women represented in government , womans programs . all childrens government support monies to the ‘mother” as though Fathers have no say ? the divorce courts discriminating against… Read more »
I can see what you’re saying, and I think it’s wrong to discriminate against a man and not let him become part of the solution to what may be considered a woman’s issue. I don’t really understand the logic behind that, and I can see where your frustration comes from. That being said, men are gaining more and more rights with their children, with men being afforded custody more often than before. I do think you have valid points, but honestly, you can’t blame everyone for bad experiences. Just because what is happening to you, and men in general, is… Read more »
Slut-shaming will end the exact same day that creep-shaming ends. Both are ways society uses to control the sexuality of members it deems “unworthy” of access to sex or social status. So, asking men to unilaterally fight for women’s liberation is literally arrogant. If women do not care about dismantling the creep label, men do not have a contractual obligation to help women shed the slut label. I would support a creep/slut-walk. Guys are told continually “If you were falsely accused of rape, sent to jail and ass-r**ed for 20 years – well its your fault, coz you were creepy… Read more »
I think we need to change the way men see women period. If I wear a skin tight dress, it is not a non-verbal way of saying ,”have sex with me please!” And men need to understand that a woman dressing slutty is not a valid reason to sexually assault or rape her! How would men like it if every time they wear biker shorts outside, a women would rape them at gunpoint? It’s sickening! I cannot even wear a sun dress with out men trying to harass and assault me! And on another point, I think there is something… Read more »
If I wear a skin tight dress, it is not a non-verbal way of saying ,”have sex with me please!” Can you please tell that to my female friends who continually whines about how she can’t get laid. She keeps saying “AND THEN I PUT ON THIS SUPER TIGHT dress and was like all tight, AND NOBODY approached me for a one-night stand, ughhhhhhhh, guys are such idiots these days, i mean hello, why did I dress this way”. So here’s my solution for what you ask. THERE’S A VERY simple solution. From now on women should VERBALLY initiate sex… Read more »
There is a whole lot of difference between dressing sexily and being open to approaches and dressing sexily and being raped. The difference is consent. Your friends are complaining not because they are not being raped but because they are not being approached in a friendly, interested, and nonthreatening manner. You are right that communication would solve that problem. If horny women felt more comfortable approaching men that they are interested in, they’d probably get laid more often. Of course, that is behaving in a way that women have been taught not to since birth, so it is really hard… Read more »
Wondering-you seem like a nice person so I’ll assume what you did was not bad intentioned. You took my reply given in one context and applied it to another. The cOntext was what I quoted. It wasn’t consent or else. It was about “how dare men think I’m out looking to get laid”. Now, my personal solution is to never ever ever assume or guess anything. Never ever ever initiate sex or flirting first – but create an atmosphere where you make it easy for women to express interest first. Sure it will be hard for women some time-but guess… Read more »
No thanks. I teach my kids to not dress like sluts (evidently it’s OK to use this word) or leave the car doors open, a wad of cash on the dashboard with the keys in the ignition and the car running in the mall parking lot. In neither case would they be causing a crime but they sure would be inviting one.
Personally, I don’t see much harm with simple freedom of expression. Sometimes I want to dress with less, that doesn’t change whether or not I hook up with a guy, I just like feeling like I look good, and whether people look or not, it makes me feel good to think that, at least to myself, I look good. It’s not a pleasure I enjoy often and I don’t the harm in doing so. When you go to the beach, it is okay to wear less than you usually do and in fact, it is encouraged since it is easier… Read more »
Right on, Hugo Schwyzer!
Never in my life have I ever heard anyone even come close to implying that “abuse against men isn’t as wrong as that against women” or that “Male victims don’t matter”. Never. There are many things you have never heard, but that does not make them any less true. These things happen, and I do not think the way to address them is to play the “I’ve never heard anything like that in my life” angle. Insulting and alienating everyone that identifies as feminist is not going to help you at all. I am certain that police officers feel insulted… Read more »
Given that abuse of women is constantly promoted as the be all, end all and worst sort abuse, I find it very hard to believe that someone hasn’t absorbed that message. I think that ts more likely that the message is so complete and present in the culture, that most people are unaware of it.
For feminists and any other women that are presently trapped in rape culture. Here are two excerpts from piece of writing called “My name is Typhonblue and I am a survivor of rape hysteria.” on how to be free of rape hysteria. “Before I started to read about men’s rights I was, like every other woman, bound by rape hysteria. Men in my eyes bore their burden of guilt and I, in turn, bore my burden of fear. But I was lucky. I stumbled upon the men’s rights movement and saw things—statistics, studies—they pulled up from the depths of our… Read more »
– I’m not responsible for what other men do, if someone wants to judge my entire gender based on the actions of small group then i feel sorry for them. – I’m going to tell my daughter to avoid dressing “slutty” to not attract the attention of men who don’t have respect for woman wearing that clothing and don’t have any boundaries. You don’t think these men haven’t been chastised by woman before ? they don’t care. This doesn’t mean that these men will be deterred from doing something if she wears more appropriate clothing, it’s mean that LESS of… Read more »
I was raped and I don’t support SlutWalk. They’re not subverting the word ‘slut’ they’re reinforcing the sexual objectification of women – the slut or ‘temptress’ is a powerful cultural archetype, and always will be, which lawyers in particular use as a well-worn legal tactic that’s about money not human rights. Should they use it? Of course not! But an ideology doesn’t stop having negative social connotations or ramifications overnight just because people say it should. Misogyny is rampant in our culture and the pornification of women dominates popular media. It’s so deeply disappointing that young women have bought into… Read more »
This “SlutWalk” idea is just silly and is another example of feminism’s irrationality and entitlement mentality. They’re bunch of spoil little girls who believes that they should have “the right” to dress and/or act however they want to without any kind of reactions or consequences. It’s like believing that you should have “the right” to dress like a circus clown without getting laughed at. Telling people to be more responsible, take some precaution, and have some common sense is not “blaming the victim”. The fact that those women get their in twist over what that cop say further show just… Read more »