Scott Behson can’t cure the world of all jerks. But he can help his son not become one.
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I’m trying hard to be one of the good guys.
I know that the two most important things I’ll ever be are husband and father, so I take great care to, as best I can, align my actions with my priorities. My wife and I try to “walk the walk” in being supportive partners to each other and kick-ass parents to our 8-year old son, Nick. The best way I know to being a good man is trying to be a good father. And most of the men I know are trying hard to be good men and good dads.
So when I see fathers denigrated by the New York Times and Clorox, or see dads’ family contributions minimized by Amazon and Huggies, I tend to get riled up. When I see books like “All Men Are Jerks” and “The End of Men” not only taken seriously but also applauded, I really get pissed off. I find myself wanting to scream, “Men are really trying to be both good caring fathers and still be manly-men providers, and they’re working so much harder at this than prior generations…”
But then seemingly every week, I see something like this – Former football player leaves 3 year old girl alone in a car to go to strip club, or this- Father lets 9-year old daughter drive car (which she slams straight into a tree). SMH.
And then it hits me.
Not all dads are like those I know, working incredibly hard to be good men and better fathers. We see too many men who aren’t good guys – they don’t treat women well, they don’t treat coworkers or employees well, they don’t treat their kids well.
The sad truth is a lot of men are Jerks. Jerk bosses, Jerk boyfriends, Jerk husbands, Jerk fathers, Jerks. And these jerks ruin it for the rest of us.
It is harder to get mad at Huggies when they run ads poking fun at the presumed incompetence and negligence of dads when there actually are guys who refuse to take the 10 minutes required to learn how to change a diaper. It is harder to get mad at “doofus dad” humor that tells boys and girls that they shouldn’t expect much of men when some dads do the incredibly stupid things they do.
♦◊♦
I can’t control what other adult men do. But I may be able to improve the situation going forward by being good dad to my son.
Kids are sponges, and they learn far more from what we do than what we say. We have to be super-careful about how we act around them so we are role models as good men, and encourage them to stay on that path.
It seems to me most jerkish male behavior comes from an inability to:
1. control anger
2. admit error
3. relate to women as equals
Here are some things I try to do (I don’t always succeed) in raising my son to not be a jerk. For now, I will focus on the first two because the third deserves a full article unto itself.
1. I am careful about expressing anger in front of my son
We all get angry. When the idiot in the luxury-brand SUV (and it’s always a luxury-brand SUV) cuts me off as if he’s trying to kill me, I want to blow a gasket, yell obscenities, and flip the a-hole off. If my son’s in the car, I don’t. When the little-league umpire who is taking the game too seriously makes a bad call, I want to chirp my disagreement (or worse) – especially when Nick is upset that he’s out because of a bad call. But I don’t. Instead I bite my tongue, pull my boy aside, explain that while I don’t agree with the ump, we have to respect his decision, and hey, life’s not always fair. I can’t always catch myself before getting angry. But I try, and I hope my son sees and learns from my example.
I also try to teach him that it’s ok to feel angry or sad or however he feels. But he can’t act badly to others just because he feels bad. Sure, he can blow of some steam, but he can’t be rude to mom, yell at an ump, or push another kid. He’s more likely to listen to me if I role model keeping my anger under control.
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2. I apologize to my son
I’m the authority figure and senior partner in the relationship with my son. But that doesn’t mean I’m never wrong. Sometimes I’m too short with Nick when I’m stressed out. Sometimes I get too focused on writing or work to be present with him. Sometimes, I make a bad decision or fail to see his side of the situation.
But when I catch myself in the wrong, I don’t just brazen my way through or dismiss Nick’s feelings. I get down to his eye level, and I apologize. I explain why I was wrong and why I won’t do it again.
Through my example, I hope that Nick will learn to take responsibility for his mistakes, and to treat people with respect even when he is the one in the position of power.
♦◊♦
I’m trying to be a good man. More importantly, I’m trying to raise my son to be a good man. I know a lot of other guys doing the same.
Hopefully, in the next generation, we can cure the world of jerks, one son at a time.
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—excerpts of this article originally appeared at Daily Plate of Crazy.
Photo: Tobyotter / flickr
I suppose it really is a matter of semantics. However, your suggested tittle for a female equivalent article uses the term “mean girls”. Only girls can be “mean girls” where as both males and females can be jerks. Your tittle “Curing the world of jerks, one son at a time” implies that one can cure the world of jerks by addressing sons. It is a logical extension that if one need only address sons to cure “jerkiness” then jerkiness must be an exclusively male trait. I know this is not what you intended by your title as is evident by… Read more »
I believe you did not mean to single out males as being the sole source if jerks. It is a demonstration of the level of day to day misandry that existis in our culture that the title of your piece seemed acceptable to you (a well meaning and honest person, so far as I can tell) while an article titles “Curing the world of jerks, one daughter at a time” would have likely set off some caution flags in your mind. As a father myself I think we need to use the old feminist tool more often. If you switch… Read more »
Hi Scott- I hear what you are saying, and your comment really made me think. I am a big fan of the “reverse gender-word bullshit test” myself. In this case, however, I don’t agree with your conclusion. I think a parent of a daughter (I only have a son) writing a piece entitled “Curing the world of ‘mean girls’ one daughter at a time” on in Moms & Families section of the Good Woman Project would be a very worthy article. Further, I tend not to agree with the argument that an article about X is lacking because it didn’t… Read more »
I agree that the vast majority of men and fathers are walking the talk and being good men/fathers/role models. Gareth seems to me to be the exemplar of this.
I have long been an advocate for fatherhood, work-family balance, and the recognition of all that men must do to balance work and family. I’m sorry if this article made it seem otherwise- as if I was being critical of men in general. This ws not my intent.
I could give you hundreds of examples of poor mothers. Would you be more accepting of degrading representations if mothers in popular culture after reading their accounts? The vast majority of fathers are good men. We shouldn’t be expected to tolerate misandry because a small proportion are bad.
This November my son will of been living with me for 2 years full time (He is now 15). I have managed to work full time around him, occasionally being supported by my parents. His mother has twice tried to gain contact with him, although the whole reason why he is living with me is an argument that they had, the result of which is that she forced him to decide who he wanted to live with. Since living with me his attendance in school has gone from 74% to 99% and his grades have also improved massively. He is… Read more »
“Manly-men providers”? What’s that about?
Hi- Thanks for reading and commenting!
I understand your comment, and largely agree with you. However, I only have a son, and am trying to write from my experiences (it’s also hard to cover everything in a 600-700 word article). A companion piece written by a parent of a daughter would be awesome- I presume there would be considerable overlap, but some differences as well.
Hi Scott, and thank you for a well-written article and a balanced response.
I don’t have any kids of my own, but I try my best to be a good role-model for nieces and nephews alike, whwnever their respective parents are short on time.
It would have been a better article without being gender selective. Who wouldn’t want to teach these same lessons to their daughters?
Exactly. Oh, daughters can be bullies themselves. I was when I was little.