A mother of three boys’ ode to the mysterious gender.
It’s clearly poetic justice that I gave birth to boys instead of girls.
Growing up, boys were completely foreign territory to me. My only sibling is my younger sister and, as kids, we were much closer to our mother than our father. He lived in the same house, yet he was somewhat remote, a mystery to me.
Like my father, boys were also a mystery to me. They were cut from a different cloth, with different body parts and temperaments, living in a world made up of seek and destroy games, where special attention and privileges seemed to be just another perk of their world. Girls were not allowed on their turf. Instead, they were condescended to and used as an example to point out weakness in other boys. It was a place where girls sought boys’ attention in often desperate attempts, competed for them, did everything to win them over, even when it meant degrading themselves.
My lovely boys have taught me to embrace maleness, to not fear it or resent it but to appreciate it, to cherish it, with all its sensitivity, its vulnerability and its tenderness—and to nurture it.
|
It was a powerful place from afar—I say afar because I was never an insider—I was simply a removed observer watching their kingdom, where they were the decision makers, the power brokers, decided which games were played and how, which girls were tapped as worthy or pretty, where the alpha males got the pick of the litter. From my vantage point, males were also predators, perpetrators, and aggressors.
As a child, I envied boys and their special privileges and entitlement, their fearlessness, their physical strength and their position as the arbiters of everything on the playground, in the neighborhood and later on, as men, in the home and office. In turn, I carved out my own world that didn’t include them, where they didn’t hold the same currency. Instead of desperately knocking on their forts and tree houses with their “no girls allowed” signs, asking to be let in, I decided I didn’t want to be let in anyway. Having no boys in the house, a father who worked long hours and was almost an interloper in our little estrogen triad at home, I was able to tune out boys for a very long time. They weren’t noticing me and I surely wasn’t noticing them.
And then one day, I grew up and gave birth to three of them.
I’ll admit, I assumed daughters would be in my future, having spent so much time in a female-centric world as a child, my sister my constant companion. Raising daughters seemed like a natural second act. But of course, life is ironic like that. Life loves teaching you lessons.
Raising boys has been an education. They’ve already answered so many questions I never knew the answers to when I watched boys from over my fence as a young girl. They’ve proven all my theories wrong about the elusive opposite sex that was once so misunderstood by me. My lovely boys have taught me to embrace maleness, to not fear it or resent it but to appreciate it, to cherish it, with all its sensitivity, its vulnerability and its tenderness—and to nurture it.
I hope my boys don’t buy into the silly socialized clichés others have defined for what it means to be male or female. I want them to play and interact with girls and see them as partners and comrades working toward common goals, to not think of pink as a yucky “girl” color, to cry if they feel like crying because boys cry and girls cry—because humans cry. We have a long way to go, especially living in a society that gives mixed messages to boys, teaching them to drive their feelings underground, while at the same time encouraging anger and bravado as suitable traits for boys and men to show in public.
It’s my job as their mother to help counter the messages marketed toward my sons. Because the messages they get at home should be the loudest, even louder than those already being shouted from billboards and screens and music and the mouths of other boys telling them who they’re supposed to be.
My sons, who I love so deeply, have taught me to love boys after so many years of shunning them, and in turn, I’m more capable of helping them love themselves.
Read more in Families.
Image courtesy of the author
I ask for permission to translate this article an to publish it on my blog.
This article is very touching.
I wont do anything without your permission.
I think this is a great post. I grew up with a younger brother, a father who travelled a lot (military) and a mom born of the feminist movement. Needless to say, much of the message I received was ‘Men are not required, dumb and mostly a waste if space, unless they were mowing the grass or taking out the trash.’ Now, as the mother of three boys, I am learning the delight there can be in the ‘maleness’ referenced by this article, the rough housing, the noises and the different ways they learn about life. I want to raise… Read more »
“I hope my boys don’t buy into the silly socialized clichés others have defined for what it means to be male or female. I want them to play and interact with girls and see them as partners and comrades working toward common goals, to not think of pink as a yucky “girl” color, to cry if they feel like crying because boys cry and girls cry—because humans cry. We have a long way to go, especially living in a society that gives mixed messages to boys, teaching them to drive their feelings underground, while at the same time encouraging anger… Read more »
All of us possess a piece of the other gender – even if deep within our soul. Women often and most of the time have to play on an uneven playing field and have to play several roles – both male and female, in many situations. As men, we really don’t ever have to play on the other side – unless we want or choose to. Definitely not equal or fair…but, if we never choose to walk a mile in the other genders shoes, whether as a parent, friend, lover, brother/sister – we miss out so much on life and… Read more »
“Women often and most of the time have to play on an uneven playing field and have to play several roles – both male and female, in many situations. As men, we really don’t ever have to play on the other side – unless we want or choose to.” Yes, go ask submissive men how easy it is for them to choose to play the female role. They get incredible crap for not fitting in their role. Dominant women are worshipped. Dominant men are considered useful. Submissive women are desired…and submissive men…are something undesired in the community. But keep thinking… Read more »
“Women often and most of the time have to play on an uneven playing field and have to play several roles – both male and female, in many situations. As men, we really don’t ever have to play on the other side – unless we want or choose to”
It would be a little more accurate to say that some women have the opportunity to play several roles in some ways and that, as men, while it’s true we rarely have to step out of our comfort zone, we don’t really have the opportunity to either.
I would say that men can’t be balanced because they are not allowed to be. Men who embrace female roles (like in nursing say) get attacked from both men and women. Men who go into the caring fields face a lot of opposition from the women in those fields. Men who do this face far more castigation and disparagement than women who go into men’s roles (say engineering or mining as examples). It seems somehow a catch-22 or back-stab to blame men for the man-box they are placed in, without mentioning the much greater pain and shame they face when… Read more »
A very touching story. This reminds me of a story included in Christina Hoff-Sommers “Who Stole Feminism” called “loving darth vader” in which a very radical feminist who bought into all the women’s studies narrative about the lopsided power dynamics between men and women had her prejudices (because that is truly what they are) shattered and learned to love boys, boys games (like cops and robbers), and masculinity. When men and masculinity are increasingly being attacked (examples: ht tp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CFh5FzXIeBg&feature=related and here ht tp://scienceblogs.com/gregladen/2012/08/02/men-testosterone-damaged-women/ ) from all sides the solution won’t be to attack back, but to underscore our humanity and… Read more »
I’m not surprised about the moderation. Here I thought I was safe to say anything.
J.S.: ” hope my boys don’t buy into the silly socialized clichés others have defined for what it means to be male or female. I want them to play and interact with girls and see them as partners and comrades working toward common goals, to not think of pink as a yucky “girl” color, to cry if they feel like crying because boys cry and girls cry—because humans cry. We have a long way to go, especially living in a society that gives mixed messages to boys, teaching them to drive their feelings underground, while at the same time encouraging… Read more »