The beautiful, life-changing experience of childbirth is actually disgusting, and if the father is not prepared, he could be very shocked and surprised with the gory details. Drew Magary enlightens us.
Back in 2006, Drew Magary chronicled his early days as a father on his blog, Father Knows Shit. For the next few weeks, we’ll be reposting some of Drew’s best posts from FKS. You will be offended by these posts. You will laugh your ass off. And maybe—well, probably not—you’ll even learn something. Enjoy.
Mrs. Drew is now four days past her due date. How’s her mental state? Picture the guy from “Alien” who has the alien coming out of his chest, only he’s been told in advance the alien was going to pop out, only then to find out the date set for it to happen was completely and utterly arbitrary. She is aggravated, to say the very least.
Anyway, since my execution has been stayed yet another day, I thought I’d enlighten you on some facts about childbirth and pregnancy you may not have known about:
- It is quite common for a woman giving birth to eviscerate her bowels on the birthing table during labor. When I’m in that delivery room, I’ll have my eyes shut as tight as Indiana Jones’ when they finally opened the Ark.
- Breastfeeding can cause mothers to become sexually aroused. Doctors say this is normal. Then again, doctors tell you anything is normal to make you feel better. “Oh, you drove a nail through your penis? I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen that happen this week!” Seriously, the psychological ramifications of this fact are so sick and disturbing, I’d rather not think about it. Let’s move on quickly.
- The umbilical cord, traditionally cut by the father, is not some simple string you cut, like at the grand opening of a deli. It’s up to half-an-inch thick, with a large artery and a large vein. Cutting it requires “chewing” through it with a pair of scissors. Some men end up not wanting to do it. I’m going through it with a butter knife.
- The actual pushing out of a baby doesn’t take very long, sometimes only half-an-hour. The longer part comes beforehand, when the woman needs to have hundreds of contractions to clear enough room for the kid to come out. This part, apparently, consists of about 8 to 20 hours of total anguish. My job during that time is to eat Chex Mix and ask if her if she’s “all right” 8,000 times.
- Babies born early are completely covered in a white, mucus-like substance that protects their skin and makes them look like a prop creature from the movie Ghoulies. Thank God our baby’s late.
- Babies can’t drink water. Or swallow air. Pussies.
- Most babies are born with their eyesight so underdeveloped, they can only see immediately what’s right in front of them. Namely, titties.
- A baby’s cry can reach 115 decibels. This is louder than a car horn, a power saw, a leaf blower, a rock concert, a moving subway, a motorcycle, a power drill, or a tractor. Shoot me now.
- To soothe a baby’s crying, you have to expose them to noises LOUDER than the sound of their own cries. Did you shoot me yet? Shoot me again, and finish the job this time.
- Labor can start days, or even weeks before the baby is actually born. Shoot Mrs. Drew while you’re at it.
- Some men experience the same weight gain their wives go through during pregnancy. This is called Sympathy Weight. I call it Pussy Flab.
- Some women grow a full foot size from pregnancy. If you’re an Irish Catholic woman, that means you better start trying on clown shoes.
- Pregnant women, before giving birth, have to pass something called the “mucus plug.” It’s a bloody piece of snot that corks up the woman’s uterus during pregnancy. I just tasted my own bile.
- Some pregnant women get a thick, visible black vein running down the middle of their stomachs that never goes away. Mrs. Drew never got this. My deal with Satan is ironclad.
- Sex apparently brings on labor. Which sounds great, until you encounter the logistical difficulties of having sex at this stage of pregnancy. I’ve had an easier time putting together furniture from Ikea.
- Pregnant women cannot: drink, smoke, do drugs, or eat sushi. Which makes them all just like those creepy people who live in Utah.
They don’t tell you this crap before you decide to have children. Largely because there would be no children if they did.
This post originally appeared here.
—Photo Raphael Goetter/Flickr