Justin Ricklefs has four daughters. Over the years, he’s put together this list to help other parents.
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“I feel sorry for you when they become teenagers.” “Dude, you’re surrounded by women.” “What did you do to deserve that?”
Being a dad of four daughters (we also have one son), I hear stuff like this almost daily. And honestly, I’m the one that feels sorry for people that think this way.
Having daughters is one of the greatest joys I could imagine. We have a saying at our house that goes like this, “I love you more today than I did yesterday.” Raising girls is a privilege, not a burden.
I certainly don’t have it all figured out, but I have learned these 15 things about raising girls these last 11 years:
1. She Wants to Be Loved—More than she wants the stuff you can buy her or the things you can teach her, she wants you to love her. No one else on Earth can assume your role as daddy. Your daughter will let you down, make huge mistakes, and maybe even turn her back to you for a season, but don’t ever let her doubt your love for her. Look her in the eye and tell her you love her. Lots.
2. You Have an Influence on Her Future Husband—Scary thought, but the kind of man you are to her will have a direct impact on who she chooses to marry someday. For years, our third daughter would beg me to marry her when she grew up. I had to explain that I was already married to the most beautiful woman I know. If you’re doing it right, she’ll want to marry a guy like you someday.
3. Listen to Her Music—When my girls are in my car, you’ll be able to catch us rocking out to the following Pandora stations: Taylor Swift, One Direction, Cody Simpson, Kids Bop Radio, Katy Perry, you get the point. Not stations I’d listen to on my own (with one exception, I love Taylor Swift), but when it lights them up, it lights me up.
4. She’s Watching How You Treat Her Mom—If you take one thing out of this entire list, make it this. One of the best things you can do for your daughter is love her mom well. It’s easy to be child-centered. Running from one kid activity to another. But fight for your marriage and make it a priority. The seasons of life where I lose focus on dating Brooke (my wife) are also the same seasons where our children have more issues. I don’t think that’s coincidental. Love your wife, make time to date her, take her on trips, and show your kids that she is a bigger priority than them.
5. Don’t Shrink Back as She Grows Up—Our oldest is almost 11, so we haven’t hit the dreaded teenage years, but I say bring them on. Dads that are further down the road than I am regret not being more emotionally engaged with their teenage daughters. It will be awkward for all of us, but I’m leaning right into it. Periods, boyfriends, shaving armpits, Snapchat, whatever it is. My girls won’t know any differently than their dad being every bit as engaged when they’re 15 as he was when they were 5. Don’t disappear when their emotions and bodies start changing.
6. Teach Her How to Do a Real Pushup—I won’t be mistaken for Billy Blanks, but we take health and wellness seriously at our house. My girls aren’t wimps. They know how to do real pushups. They play sports hard. They think “throwing like a girl” is a compliment not an insult. They bring it. And more than the physical toughness, we’re raising mentally tough girls. Like their momma. In a world where femininity gets assigned far too often to princess dresses and fairy tales, my girls are tough as nails.
7. Make Memories—A friend once told me that my job is to be the Chief Memory Maker of the house. It’s morbid, but I have 50-60 years left on this earth tops. That’s not a ton of time, so I’m going to go hard and create as many memories with my girls as I possibly can. We celebrate big things like a 10-year-old trip, but we also take the little things seriously too. Family movie nights on Friday nights. Big breakfast Saturdays. Hikes after church. It doesn’t have to be expensive or elaborate, but it does have to be intentional. Fill up your daughter’s emotional journal with memories of being with her dad.
8. Teach Her That It’s Not About Her—Something amazing happens when we realize that the universe doesn’t spin around us. We’re not modeling it perfectly for our girls, but we’re trying to show them that life is best lived when we give ourselves away. To serve others. To go last. To not always have to be right.
9. Show Up to Her Events–-As dads of young daughters, most of us are building careers at the same time. So it’s not possible every single time, but make the effort to get to her stuff. Even if it’s not your favorite stuff. I hate the commercial of the dad at the daughter’s dance recital that is watching a football game on his phone. I love a good football game as much as the next guy, but clap as hard for your daughter’s recital as you would on your couch watching sports.
10. Proximity Doesn’t Equal Presence—I’m guilty of this often. Simply because you’re there doesn’t mean you’re really there. Especially in an era of constant information and entertainment. Turn your phone off when you get home from work. Or at least put it in another room. Your daughter couldn’t care less about your Twitter feed, your emails, your fantasy football team, or your group texts. She cares about spending time with you. Playing with you. Being with you.
11. Do Her Hair and Nails—Brooke does this 99 times out of 100, but I make it a point to tell all my girls that Daddy can make a killer ponytail. And I can paint their nails like a champ. Heck, they’ve painted mine on many occasions as well. Show her that a man can be gentle.
12. Date Her—I wish I could say I do this faithfully, but even once every few months is better than not at all. Dating your daughter is critical to display to her how a man should treat a woman. Call me old school, but on my dates with my girls, I open the doors, pay the bills, look at them in the eye, and make them feel like a million bucks. Again, this doesn’t have to cost a ton of money. A walk around the block. A short bike ride. A trip to the ice cream store. Doesn’t have to be fancy, but again, it must be intentional.
13. Her Heart is More Beautiful than her Appearance—Guess what, Dad? It’s your job to tell your daughter, and then remind her a million times, that what’s on the inside of her is what will make her go far in life. The heart is how we talk about it at our house, but it can be her character, her self-worth, her core. Raising girls in this sensual world isn’t easy, but they don’t have to settle for the belief that to be pretty means you must fit into a size zero or show almost every piece of your skin when you walk into a room.
14. Don’t Blink—Kenny Chesney was right. She calls you daddy. Enjoy that role, it flies by.
15. Will You Forgive Me?—I forget 1-14 more than I would like to admit. I’m doing my best. You are too. But when I blow it, when I hurt her feelings, and when my intentions were better than my actions, I’m learning to ask her for forgiveness. Not a simple apology, but a sincere plea for forgiveness. Model a dad that gets down on her level and admits that you don’t have it all together. She’ll forgive you for that.
Dads, your role is a precious one. Love your daughters well.
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Originally published on Huffington Post Parents. Reprinted with permission.
Photo: iStock
this is awesome. I wish I found you earlier in my life.
I’m so thankful for my sweet daddy. He was disabled by a stroke when I was little and so was home for most of my childhood–and I wouldn’t trade it for anything. I think you are right on with how to approach the coming teen years–my dad would buy our pads for us (did for me a couple of times when i was still figuring it all out and was embarrassed), helped us learn how to shave, and was willing to be there for other things that many dads want to avoid. He was never stingy with his hugs, or… Read more »
This brought tears to my eyes. I wish that this article could reach all men. What a difference they can make in our lives.
It is rightfully said that a dad is the daughter’s first hero. Being the eldest daughter in the family, I was pampered with gifts day and night. I am thankful to have the men in my life, especially my father , who never let us down, even when my uncle (dad’s sister’s husband) passed away due to jaundice, he perfectly balances his responsibilities to my mother and to his sister. There were times, I remember seeing him awake at odd hours and having a bottle full of thoughts ready to break out. I see a lot of understanding and love… Read more »
I wish A certain dad I know could read this and truly understand this. It breaks my heart that I’ve been trying to explain it for so man years……he as many daughters who won’t speak to him, and 2more at home that he still has a chance to save……yet the denial of this being his job is winning, while the girls are missing out.
No matter how hard a mom tries, she can never be dad.
This article made me cry. It’s beautiful!
So, my question is, what about a step mother? My fiance has daughters ages 2 and 6 that render me invisible to him whenever they are around unless he needs something or I finally say something. And I am always the bad guy for saying anything about it.
#13: Boys and men will treat you based on your appearance…. If they find you attractive, they will try to hit on you regardless of your age…. Men and boys will underestimate your intelligence and years of professional experience because it is easier for them to think of you as some ignorant Asian girl….Speak up, loud and clearly….You constantly have to prove your competence in ways that men don’t have to….
Never publish strong opinions before you actually have teenagers. It’s tougher sledding than you know. We’ll wee how confident you are of your opinions when your girls are 20 and 17 like mine. IT’s great chapter but not as easy as you think it will be.
Thanks for the encouragement Tor, love your stuff on GMP too. This is a great community. Thanks for the marketing idea, love that thought for getting this piece to young dads as they’re taking their little girls home.
Justin- You NAILED IT brother! I’m a father/husband with two tween daughters and a toddler son. This article needs to be required reading at all sonogram screenings and birthing centers! Awesome!!!
Justin, great article! I clicked on this off Facebook tonight. Looked at the name on the article and said, hey I wonder if that is the same Justin I knew from learfield. Great to read this article! Lets catch up. I have a 2 year old daughter.
Amazing dude, small world. Congrats on your little girl, very cool. Would love to catch up soon. Email me at [email protected] and we’ll connect. Hope things are great, miss my Learfield friends.
Thank you Justin! I don’t have kids of my own, and I never will, but I’ve tried to be that person in the life of my nieces. The adult who sees them when they need help or have something to say, and everyone else says “Hush, wait a minute”. I think it goes back to my own feelings of not being listened to by my parents. (And still as an adult, after 12 years my dad still doesn’t know the name of the company I work for…) Having them live close by, I had the privilegie of early morning visits… Read more »
So awesome, thanks for sharing.
A lot of thinks….and difficult
Thanks for the article. I enjoyed it and shared it. The one thing I do have to comment on is the assumption that my daughter will date a man. I figure that is an 85% chance, but given that more than one of her friends has two mom’s, she is certainly aware that women sometimes choose women as life partners.
Love this list, Justin!
My dad did many of these things and my sister and I turned out as confident and self-respecting as our mother and STILL call our father, “Daddy.”
I’m almost 40 😉
Love that you still call him daddy, awesome. Thanks for sharing.
This was wonderful, thank you. #9 especially hit me. My dad was always busy and didn’t think missing a school event or two would matter. I’m now 29 and could recite every band recital and basketball game he missed. Particularly as a child, I felt like “what’s the point of caring about these things If my dad can’t be bothered” and I’ve realized over the years how often I dropped out of things because of that apathy. He really was trying his hardest, but I wish he had read this list back then and realized how important those off-pitch band… Read more »
Thanks for sharing Kadie, really appreciate it.
Terrific piece that I really relate to as the father of a terrific young lady.
The world needs more dads like you Mike.
Justin, Like your coaching here. My two girls are scholarship winners to a private college in California and my son is a scholarship winner to a public university in AZ. In addition to your “15 things” what worked for me was to always ask each of my children one question as soon as they started to communicate……”What do you think/feel about that.?” I wanted to instill in each of my youngsters that their thoughts, their feelings, their ideas are important to their dad and as such they would be important to each of my children….. a great confidence/self respect builder… Read more »
Joe –
This is awesome, thanks for sharing. Younger dads like me need to hear from dads like you that are further down the road and have done it well. Congrats. Love your question too, I’ll start asking my kids that. Thank you.
Have a great weekend.
Justin
Justin,
Great thoughts and list for keep yourself on track, especially when we all drift from time to time. Having these written into my journal to keep them ever present and a reminder to review when doing my daddy check-up
“Call me old school, but on my dates with my girls, I open the doors, pay the bills, look at them in the eye, and make them feel like a million bucks.”
Yes, teach her that she is more special than the man (doors aren’t opened for men), teach her that a man will pay her way. It does nothing to reinforce any sense of equality or independence.
His eldest is 11, are you suggesting his daughters pay for the activities during time they spend with him? While that idea has some merit in teaching a child about budgeting, I would guess (since none of these children can legally work yet) that the money they use would come from an allowance.
I would damn well hope if you are dating someone she IS special to you and you DO show her you feel that for her, Jesus.
Archie, it was no different then the “guys night out” with my son. “Dad” paid the bill. Taking my daughter to a movie and dinner was in fact a hell of a lot less expensive then to a ball game with my son. But “who pays” the bill was totally irrelevant in either case. It was dad doing something special with his kids. Making special moments.
I really enjoyed this, as a daughter I can confirm you are spot on Justin! Keep raising those girls like this – they’re going to be fantastic, confident young women and the world needs more of them to show everyone else how it’s done!
Sam – thanks for sharing. Really appreciate it. The amazing thing is that their momma, my wife, is a stud. So they have a great example of who they’re becoming.
Thanks for reading and commenting, have a great weekend.
Justin
Any advice for a dad (age 52) raising a daughter (age 11) on his own? Her mom/my wife was killed in a car crash when my kiddo was four years old. I’m dad, mom, breadwinner, and I have health problems. Plus I’m determined to restart my writing career, which I think will benefit her (she loves to write – she should see how I work) and possibly keep me sane. I yearn to do all the things you suggest, and manage many of them. I fall short, however, and some of your suggestions just are not possible for us. Any… Read more »
David, speaking from the perspective of being a daughter myself and having lost my Dad 5 years ago due to health problems of his own, reflecting back on my own childhood and relationship with my dad, what made the biggest impact was when I knew my Dad was honestly giving it his all, with whatever he was capable of giving, whether he got it right or not. I knew when he was doing his best and when he was tuning out. And honestly, sometimes my Dad did tune out. And that hurt the most. Daughters can be pretty perceptive. Infact,… Read more »
Erin –
Awesome reply and thoughts, thanks for taking the time to share them. Love the thought of hugging your daughter, a lot. Sorry for the loss of your father, thanks again for sharing.
Justin
David – Man, my heart hurts for you. Appreciate you sharing. It’s admirable that you’re still fighting and trying to figure it out. Like I mentioned early in the post and again at the end, I certainly don’t have it all figured out. The list I wrote isn’t exclusive by any means, and has really come as a result of screwing up more than it has from knowing all the right stuff to do. I agree 100% with Erin. Lean into your daughter’s emotions, and your own for that matter, even if it’s goofy, awkward and not perfectly scripted. Hug… Read more »
Great article Justin and you are absolutely on target. The only thing I disagree with is #14. My daughter is now an adult with two sons. She still calls me “daddy” and my role as daddy is still vital in her life. Her husband is a fireman and as you know, with the exception of emergencies, they are not able to drop things and get home at a drop of a hat. That’s where “daddy” comes into play. More then once I’ve had to stop what I was doing and drive to their house to help. There have also been… Read more »
Tom – love it man. Great to know that these girls may still call me daddy, even after they’re out of the house and all grown up. Pretty awesome to see how you’re still engaged in her world and there to help her out. Appreciate you reading and sharing your feedback.
My daddy played that role too (my husband was a police officer….interesting coincidence!) until he passed two years ago. He was always there for me, to fix appliances, watch my kids if need be, whatever. I sure miss him ….
Nice touch Tom….good for you!