Josh Misner was the only dad at an event for parents and daughters to discuss a girl’s path through puberty. Here is what happened.
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We showed up at the elementary school in our pajamas, my daughter and I. The smell of freshly-delivered pizza wafted through the air, drawing us into the lunchroom, which would soon be overflowing with about 30 giddy, energetic fifth-grade girls, along with 30 quietly nervous, fidgeting parents.
The event attended was called “Girls Night Out,” which was described as a “program to offer information on the growing up process, as well as some preparation for the changes that will be taking place in the students’ lives and their bodies.”
If this sounds terrifyingly familiar, then you may recognize this as “the talk,” a.k.a., that dreaded moment when a dad has to reconcile with the fact that his baby isn’t a baby any longer, knowing full well that the teenage years are right around the corner. Why, you might ask, was I — a man –taking his daughter to an event populated solely by women and their daughters?
Because my daughter asked me to.
And if my daughter trusts me enough to ask me to accompany her to a knowingly uncomfortable event, then that is the kind of trust I want to continue nurturing, because it is that trust that will keep our communication flowing freely later in life.
As mothers and daughters filled in the last of the tables, the side-eyes and curious glances were painfully obvious, and under other circumstances, might have made me feel overly conspicuous or out-of-place, but not this night. This night, I was there for my little girl.
As the event began, girls took turns standing up to introduce themselves and their adult guests. Girl after girl introduced their mothers, but when my daughter stood up, she proudly introduced her dad, which was met with a resounding chorus of “Awww…”
After this, everyone, adult and child alike, took part in an icebreaker. Like a pseudo-bingo game, our goal was to walk around the room and ask each other questions related to the details of puberty to see if anyone knew the answers. We could only ask one question per person, and the first one to fill up the answer sheet won a prize, but what happened next struck me as intriguingly odd.
As moms approached me, they asked the more tame questions on the list: “What is one thing you are good at?” “What does self-esteem mean?” “Who should you talk to if you have questions about puberty?” Not one woman asked me any of the other, more detailed questions on the list: “How much blood is lost during a period?” “How long does a period last?” “How often should you change your pad or tampon?”
I tried to be fair and not infer anything from this observation, but instead, continued asking questions. Interestingly though, as the game progressed, the 10 and 11-year-olds in the room seemed more comfortable with the harder questions.
Once finished with the icebreaker, we were shown an informational video, circa late-1980s Betamax, and during the video, the characters talked awkwardly about the changing female body (breasts, pimples, body hair, hips, etc.), how the female reproductive system works and all the details they ever needed to know about getting their first period. Shrill, nervous giggles pierced the awkward silence as the video played, and with each one, the tension grew.
After the video, it was time for questions from the girls. Some girls were brave enough to ask their burning questions publicly, while others chose to submit theirs anonymously via note cards, which were delivered to the nurse facilitating the talk. The questions were honest and brimming with curiosity about the imminent future, but despite the inevitable giggles, they handled the conversation with courage.
Observing the adults’ reactions during the event, though, was another story. Many were blushing. Most were whispering. Some looked as though they wanted to be anywhere but in an elementary school lunchroom on a Tuesday evening, talking puberty and menstruation with their daughters.
That’s when I had to say something, for my daughter’s sake.
I announced that, if I, as a father — as a parent — treat topics like this as if they are taboo, then why should my daughter feel comfortable talking to me about them? No thanks, I said, I want my daughter to feel like she’s normal and natural.
So, I talked about periods.
I guessed out loud how much blood a girl loses during each one, and I proudly fielded a question and showed that I know periods last three to seven days, on average.
I had no issue whatsoever with informing others that the typical cycle from one period to the next is usually about 28 days, nor did I take offense with being asked to show the importance of charting said cycles.
I reassured my little girl by telling her that, just before starting her period, she might just feel like friends and family are suddenly annoying and intolerable, and that’s all right, because many girls do.
I didn’t wince nor whisper when I told her that she might get her period tomorrow, or she might get it five or more years from now, but that no matter when it happens, she is still 100% perfectly normal, no matter how it might feel to her at the time, and that her mother and I will be there for her to answer any questions she might have, no matter what.
Lastly, I guaranteed my daughter that I would be available any time she needs me to buy tampons or pads for her, but then I also reminded her that, someday, when she feels like she’s ready for a relationship, that any boy worth her time will feel the same. Any guy too ashamed to tell the world he has a girl with a working uterus at home is not worth her time or attention.
It’s time that fathers take a more active role in educating and raising their daughters to accept themselves for all that they are and ever will be.
It’s time for all parents, but especially dads, to stop treating topics like menstruation and puberty like it is handling a contagious disease.
It’s time for all of us to make our daughters (not to mention other girls and women) feel less like a dirty secret and more like the valuable yin to our yang that they truly are.
Period.
Originally appeared on The Huffington Post.
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Top Photo: Flickr/Nichola Prested
This is great. Periods have never been a secretive thing in my family, either. My mom ALWAYS talked about hers (ha, usually to complain, but she was never shy about sharing), and when I got mine at age 12, she and my dad hugged me, smiled, and made themselves available for any question I may have had. My dad went out alone and bought me my first pads. They also called everyone in my family to tell them the good news. At the time, I was mortified. But now I think what a blessing it was to be in a… Read more »
Dr. Misner- I am a dad with three daughters and I was so inspired by your blog “What Happened When a Daughter Asked Her Dad to Explain Puberty and Periods” that I discussed it on our Zen Parenting Radio Podcast. We discuss your blog @ the 11:42 mark. if you feel like listening in, go to http://zenparentingradio.com/238/
Thanks for the inspiration!!!!
Todd
Did you consider the fact that your presence at this event could possibly inhibit the learning experience of all of the others who attended? And if so, how did you justify attending anyway?
Why was it not enough to explore your open dialogue relationship with your daughter at home, and not in a public forum where a good many other young girls might be intimidated by your presence?
I found a spiel about you on a men’s right blob. They say you are a prime example of a feminized man. They are just plain idiots who don’t understand.
Yes, awesome. I applaud you. How lucky those girls and women were, to have you there to lecture them about how they were behaving incorrectly, and to make guesses about things instead of forcing those young girls to hear facts explained from women who’ve been through exactly what they’re going through, which was the obvious purpose of the evening. We all know there’s nothing especially “female” about menstruation which might mean women are in a better position to explain it; it’s way cooler to have a man take the floor to discuss the most important things, which are how men… Read more »
I scrolled down immediately to say the same thing. How lucky they were that a man was there to tell them how to feel about their period.
This was awesome to read. Josh, you are a progressive father. I know when my mother first got her period, she thought something was seriously wrong with her because no one ever told her what was going to happen. She just started bleeding one day and was terrified. She ran to her Mom who pretty much gave her a sanitary napkin and didn’t really say anything else about it. When I got mine, my Mom and I did talk about it. We also went to a weekend camp with my best friend and her Mom to learn about what was… Read more »
Thank you, Erin. As I think about all the possible events and conversations that can potentially shape my kids’ future perceptions of themselves, this one struck a chord, for if I, as a parent, dad, and role model, treat my daughter’s natural bodily functions as though they are something to be ashamed to speak about publicly, then what am I teaching her? Furthermore, what if all of us changed this conversation with our daughters? Could something this simple lead to a massive reduction in body shaming for adolescent girls? I don’t have the answer to that, but for my little… Read more »
It’s me my three teen boys have and still do come to about EVERYTHING from why condoms have lubrication, what a particular sex toy is, why sex drives are different from person to person etc etc.
It was at 8 years old my second son learnt about sex at a special talk at school and turned to his father and exclaimed: ‘did you do that to my mama? That’s disgusting! I’m going to pay somebody to do that to my wife!’
HAHAHAHA! That’s awesome! It’s so funny to me that kids find this stuff disgusting, almost naturally so. It’s really up to us as the parents to reassure them that their feelings toward sex WILL change, and that when those feelings do show up finally, they are perfectly normal.
Good for you Josh. Your approach is the most logical and reasonable one for an adult, sorely lacking today. So great job as an example to many!
Thanks, Mark!
Just out of interest Dr Josh, soes the same school offer a similar night to boys and their parents? About how to deal with erections, nocturnal emissions. voice changes, emotions and all the other things that boys experience during puberty? I really hope so otherwise it would not be a very enlightened attitude on the shcool’s part to only offer this sort of thing to girls. Boys need help too!
Good point! Growing up in the 60’s and 70’s, I don’t think I had 5 MINUTES worth of knowledge passes on. Being the oldest, I didn’t even have an older brother to go to!
Yes! The boys’ night was held two days later. I would have loved to attend it with my son, but he’s too young. It was for 5th graders only, and he’s in 2nd grade. However, we will be staying at the same school, so I’ll have to let y’all know in three years how that one goes.
Thanks for clearing that up Dr Josh – although it would’ve been nice if you’d have mentioned it in the article!
Why would he need to mention that in the article? Clearly his article had a main focus and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.
You’re a Dad doing it right. 🙂 I grew up with 3 brothers, raised by a single Dad, so it would be understandable if I were one of those blushing, fidgeting parents you spoke of. Instead, I’ve always been determined to promote open communication and trust with my 2 daughters, never treating any topic as taboo. I’ve taught my kids critical thinking skills and how to debate the merits of alternate and/or opposing viewpoints. My daughters (now teens) and I are able to converse about boys, sex, periods, and other minefield topics with ease and intelligence. My perspective has been… Read more »
Thank you!!!
You are rigth Josh.
It is about time, to not be embarresed or see this a taboo.
For most women it is something we live with as much as 40 years of our life.
Your daugther is fortunate to have you!
I was not informed by anyone about this issue,not my father,not my mother and not in school.
Silence.
So when it started when I was 10 years old; also never told anyone,
I am surprised there are adults in 2015 that still can not deal with it, it is sad,
Disheartening to hear such stories, but not entirely unbelievable. I’m glad I could make a difference in not only my daughter’s perception of puberty, but also the girls around her (and maybe even their moms). With enough parents making the conscious decision to treat this differently, who knows what kind of impact it could have on the next generation of girls?
Bravo!
I especially liked the “Any guy too ashamed to tell the world he has a girl with a working uterus at home is not worth her time or attention.” part.
Thank you!