Go ahead. Wag your finger at me and tell me I should’ve known better.
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Just know that I am not going to apologize and I do not feel ashamed.
Yes, I sent naked selfies to my boyfriend. Now my EX-boyfriend.
Of course I knew sending them was a risk — a risk I actually gave thought to before doing it.
I considered that my career focuses on divorce and relationships, that if worse came to worst and he ever decided to be a total jerk and share them somewhere, I wasn’t worried that I would lose my job.
I would hate for my parents, my children’s friends’ parents and anyone other than the man I sent them to to see them, but I am an adult who sent them to someone I was in a committed relationship with. And if I do say so myself, I looked pretty damn good.
Most of all, I trusted him.
Unfortunately, I can’t say I was completely shocked when, two weeks ago, a year since we broke up, this person I had loved and tried hard to make things work with began sending me text messages, emails, Facebook messages and voice mails threatening to post pictures he still has.
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Why? In his words, “Payback.”
You see, two months after he and I broke up, he took off drunk to Las Vegas to marry his friend’s drunk girlfriend. That friend and I got to know each while commiserating and dated for about three weeks before I woke up to how unhealthy it all was and called it off.
Almost a year later — during which time my ex-bf would alternately text me either hateful messages calling me a slut, or lovelorn messages pronouncing his undying love and swearing he was having the marriage annulled — my quite still-married ex-bf found out about my three-week, not-much-of-a-relationship with that aforementioned friend, and went ballistic.
Excuse my French, but WTF?
What upset me most was that he specifically threatened to post these pictures from our past relationship to my business page on Facebook. He didn’t just intend to humiliate me. He intended to annihilate me.
A good friend happened to send me a message on Facebook chat while I sat frozen with panic, and I wrote back about what was going on. Within moments my friend had sent me several links to websites developed to protect women from revenge porn.
My first thought was, “Revenge porn? This is a thing?”
My second thought was, “Revenge porn is a thing! There is something being done and steps I can take to protect myself!”
According to an organization called End Revenge Porn, “revenge pornography… is socially and emotionally damaging to its victims and, in cases where victims’ personal information is attached to the offending material, can be physically threatening.”
Not only is revenge pornography morally wrong, it is a very real form of sexual abuse.
The next site I visited, Women Against Revenge Porn, offered the relief of coming to understand that even though I willingly sent these pictures, I still own them. Under the Digital Millennium Copyright Act (DMCA):
“A copyright is not something that you can touch. It is a right. If you take a photo of yourself (selfie), you own the copyright to the photo. Even if you physically hand over, text, or email your picture to another person, you still own the copyright. The recipient does not own it.”
Not only are these grassroots non-profits taking on this issue, but according to an article published by the Washington Post, the Federal Trade Commission (FTC) recently reached a settlement in a lawsuit involving revenge porn, and as a result they are now considering actively “pursuing revenge pornographers for unfair business practices.”
That article quotes Mary Anne Franks, University of Miami law professor and Legislative Policy Director for the Cyber Civil Rights Initiative (CCRI), saying that the FTC’s actions are a significant “statement by the federal government that disseminating sexually explicit images of a person without ‘affirmative express consent in writing’ is illegal.”
Even with all of this information there will be people who stand by the opinion that anyone who sends out an explicit photo of themselves is implicitly allowing for these photos to eventually become public. Aware of the possibility? Yes. Allowing for it? No!
The unfortunate truth is that any time a woman is alone with a man she is aware that rape is a possibility. Is she allowing for it? No!
Couples share intimate photos, letters and experiences from a deeply personal bond. I still believe exchanging intimate pictures can be great under the right circumstances. In long-term marriages, they can reignite imagination and passion. In long-distance relationships, they can keep you connected and playful. In your relationship with yourself, they can be an empowering record of the beauty of your own body to look back to when you are feeling bad about yourself, or even in the future after gravity has taken (further) effect and you want to smile about what a hot number you were.
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Now that you also know Revenge Porn is a “thing,” here are 7 ways to protect yourself and/or someone you love:
1. Consider your own line of work, stage of life and other personal considerations before ever sending anyone, no matter how close you are or how much you trust them, photos of yourself that you would be afraid for anyone else to find.
2. If you do choose to share intimate photos of yourself, have a conversation beforehand with your partner about what you expect him or her to do with them.
3. Take some time to familiarize yourself with information regarding revenge porn. In particular, check to see if there is currently a law in your state (or country), and find detailed information on how to file a report with law enforcement, hire an attorney, and/or submit a DMCA notice.
4. Occasionally do Google web and image searches for your name and photos to make sure nothing has already been posted without your knowledge or consent.
5. If you receive a threat by email, text or voice mail, document and save it. I personally give constant thanks to the gods of screenshots.
6. Share links to the helpful information you find openly on social media. The more awareness there is that there are criminal consequences for these actions, the less likely abusers will be to make threats, which themselves are terribly depleting.
7. If you find yourself being threatened or having been victimized, call the CCRI Hotline at 844-878-CCRI (2274) or the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-SAFE (7233) for immediate assistance.
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For myself, knowing that advocates and lawmakers are taking this issue seriously provided me great comfort.
I was able to start breathing again, knowing that if he continues to harass me or eventually does post a picture anywhere online, I know the number to call!
Heck, when I did a Google search of myself to make sure he hadn’t already put pictures up somewhere, I even found a fantastic article mentioning me that I had no idea existed!
Would I thank him for it? Not on your life. Am I thankful to be better informed? Absolutely!
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*Author’s note: I wrote this article for YourTango exactly one year ago today. Since then, I have been asked by many people what it was that actually stopped my ex-boyfriend’s threats. The answer is — this article did. I was still receiving threats from him as I sat typing it. The moment I posted and shared it with anyone who cared to read, his horrifying voice mails and text messages stopped.
Don’t let anyone scare you into silence, and don’t be ashamed of choices you made. Silence and shame are an abuser’s most powerful weapons.
And please, take a moment to read this powerful message from my friend, Cooper S. Beckett, and watch the TED talk given by Jackson Katz below.
Revenge Porn, rape, domestic violence, abuse, etc…These are not women’s issues. They are human issues.
Also by Arianna Jeret
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Photo credit: iStock
Arianna, nice article. I learned new things from this piece. Thank you for being open enough to share your personal experience (I’m sorry it was something you had to experience) and using it as a way to start a positive conversation on a troubling issue of our time.
Thank you, Erin. I appreciate that so much.
Two points, as I feel that this is a very important topic. Fist is the shame. As Archy stated, there is no shame in what she (you) did. There is no shame in sharing such photos. She is not a slut, a whore, or anything else. She is a woman that sent naked pictures to a man she trusted and that is all it is. My warning (so to be clear) was for a woman’s protection not from critique, but this type of bullying. I often talk about the shame hefted upon male sexuality, well, this is a fine example… Read more »
Thank you, DJ. I completely agree.
All interesting points and I truly appreciate both of your empathetic perspectives on this problems. I just did a quick search to see which countries besides the U.S. (where 26 states currently have enacted laws applying to revenge porn) have sought aid against revenge porn. Here’s what I found: Countries with laws specific to revenge porn, or under-which revenge porn could be considered a violation: Canada France Germany Israel Japan The UK The US The Philippines There is a law in one Australian state, however the Australian federal police assistant commissioner Shane Connelly has said: “People just have to grow… Read more »
I have a feeling some of the countries with high levels of puritanism would probably try to ban both revenge porn and normal porn. I guess what I meant more was would the social harm be higher in puritan countries, like the Scarlet letter had cheating as a monumental crime. I would guess the level of slut-shaming being higher and potential reputation and job-losses (teachers have lost jobs due to being in porn for instance) would be a much more powerful weapon used to create fear in the victim. If everyone thought as I do, revenge porn would be utterly… Read more »
Good points, Archy. This topic is troubling. Imagine, if we will, what Arianna went through with this bastard, threatening to put her out there, exposed, on a porn site? It is emotional abuse…and these fools hurt all men by painting us with their brush because no matter what we guys may say, this woman is forever tainted just a bit when it comes to trusting men…and why should she not be? He is the guy those angry gender type feminist are seeing when they yell at the rest of us. I’d like to see more done; at least let him… Read more »
I’m sorry that happened to you. I wish we had a society where there was no social consequence for the victim, where people would be mature enough to realize that there’s nothing wrong with nudes in a consenting manner and they shouldn’t judge people for it. Part of the power of revenge porn is that careers can be harmed because nudes of a person go public. The only person who should suffer is the perpetrator who spread the pictures to try harm someone. It’s the human body, it’s a wonderful and magical thing, not something to be ashamed of. If… Read more »
I could easily get into the drama of what this particular individual is, but I’ll just say that it is good that you stood up to him, that there is a source out there to support you, and that you are sharing the information.
Beyond that, women folk, please do not ever, ever, ever send naked pictures to a man that you are dating, not ever. I understand intimacy and desire, but that needs to be off the table. People can turn ugly, and they very often do.