Is women’s obsession with beauty because of an intense desire to be attractive to men? And if so, is it a men’s issue?
Mark D. White wrote a post today that gives an honest look at a guy struggling to understand a woman’s relationship to beauty, and how he, as a guy, should talk to her about it. Compliment her looks? Her intelligence? But why—when the woman he was dating was so smart, successful, creative—why did she seem to place such value in being complimented on her looks above all?
Commenter Trev, below, actually helped me articulate my argument, and that is this: Women are not honest about how important being attractive to the opposite sex is. And that causes a breakdown in communication between men and women. And that’s why it’s worth discussing.
I cannot comment about what men think. I don’t even want to over-generalize and pretend to know what all women think. But this topic is a source of much fascination to me (not to mention angst), and so I would like to tell you my worldview. In fact, my observations come from what can only be described as an obsession.
Women would rather be dead than seen as not beautiful.
Sometimes I talk to my girlfriends about aging. After a while, I noticed a pattern—without any hesitation, they all said, “Oh, no, I don’t want to get old. No, thanks, I’d rather be dead.” So then I started asking the question farther and wider, and I got pretty much a unanimous verdict. Women would rather die early than get old enough so they weren’t beautiful any more. Even women who didn’t necessary believe that for themselves fully understand the sentiment.
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I am not being critical of men here, not in the least. It is not wrong to want beauty in one’s life—however you define that, wherever you find it. But if men are wondering why it’s difficult to get the conversation around beauty right when talking to women—this is how I see it.
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The other example of “death before beauty” is eating disorders. The experience I have found is that almost every woman who has an eating disorder has it because she has an unnatural fear of being seen as unattractive by the opposite sex. That would be about an estimated 65 percent of the female population. In fact, some studies show the mortality rate associated with anorexia nervosa is 12 times higher than the death rate associated with all causes of death for females 15-24 years old. The suicide rate of that age group with anorexia is 32 times the norm. The conclusion I draw is that women are so worried about being seen as unattractive by men that they can’t eat—even if it ultimately causes irreparable harm.
Brains may be important, but beauty is seen as the cost of entry.
Tom Matlack wrote what I thought was a very thoughtful piece a while back: “Women We Love for the Wrong Reasons.”
His point was that men loved women for much more than beauty: “Yes, good men love women. But we love women in all their complexity, for the things they do, for their intelligence, their wit, their athleticism, their creativity, their power, their force of personality.”
And yet, when this was cross-posted on Jezebel, Tom got lambasted for implying earlier in his post that women, as one commenter said “must be both beautiful AND smart. I mean, what if you’re ordinary looking and smart?” Many responded with a fair amount of vitrol, but some with humor: “Oh, need we be hot also? That takes a lot of time away from my intellectual activities. Plus, a lot of hot-making activities are pretty boring. Can’t it be enough that I’m clean?”
The anger from so many women was the implication that beauty was somehow a cost of entry to even be noticed. And in Mark’s piece, he reinforces that sentiment, “Like I said, a difficult line to walk, especially for men who respect and admire women for their brains and their beauty.”
Beauty gives women privileges they wouldn’t otherwise have.
Yesterday, one of our commenters on this post said, “If Tiger had have taken a golf club to his wife because she cheated would you be describing him as ‘super smart and beautiful?’ No, that would make him a criminal.”
I happen to agree.
Men rarely use the world “beautiful,” except when talking about women.
This was one of those things I noticed decades ago and kept looking for an example to disprove my theory. The only seeming exception was when men were talking about a “beautiful” play in sports.
But all the things that I, as a woman, think are beautiful—art, far-off galaxies, kindness, a street performance, a complex mathematical equation that makes me go “ah”, a thunderstorm, poetry, a strategic business plan, a hurricane lamp made from a coffee can with holes punched in it—none of those has ever brought about the word “beautiful” from a guys, certainly not with the awe-filled tone of voice that I hear when they talk about a beautiful woman.
Personally, as a woman, that puts enormous pressure on me—to be constantly worried that I am the only source of beauty other than the woman next to me who is (without a doubt) more beautiful than I am.
I am not being critical of men here, not in the least. It is not wrong to want beauty in one’s life—however you define that, wherever you find it. But if men are wondering why it’s difficult to get the conversation around beauty right when talking to women—this is how I see it. And maybe the way to have the conversation be so less charged with peril is for all of us to simply expand our vocabulary about what beautiful really is.
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Read Mark D. White’s article “Beauty or Brains: Which is More Important to Emphasize?” here.
About Lisa Hickey
“Women would rather be dead than seen as not beautiful.”
I’m a man and I would rather be dead than poor.
You think I’m exaggerating and trying to relate to you, etc, but this is the truth for me.
Death doesn’t scare me at all, but being poor is terrifying. Fortunately there are ways to die that are cost-effective and free, hahaha.
And no, I’m not suicidal as I have a great life.
An excellent point, Jordan!
And a good comparison between a man’s material wealth and a woman’s physical beauty.
I spend 90% of my time thinking about how unattractive I feel. Another 5% of that is thinking about how wonderful it must feel to be one of the beautiful people. The remaining 5% I’m asleep. I have never felt beautiful or attractive, although I have been told that I am. I lack confidence terribly but have learned to fake it quite well. I truly feel that if I looked in the mirror and saw a beautiful face, I would be confident. However, I am intelligent and successful in my own right; I would throw all of that away to feel beautiful. My relationships have always suffered because no matter how much my current boyfriend would tell me how beautiful he finds me, I would find ways to negate it. I think Antonymous Male’s comment about men being too discriminate and not discriminate enough is very insightful and correct. I’ve often wondered why men “cheat down” and have seen many men see a woman from behind only and at a distance and immediately deduce that she’s “f***ing hot”, whereas a woman would never say that (or rarely) about someone they couldn’t get a close analytical look at. I also agree with many of the posters here that women are far, far more critical of women’s looks than men are. I think men would give a much broader range of women that fall into the attractive curve than women would. I frequently think that other women are far better looking than me. It is exhausting and depressing, but I cannot seem to stop doing it.
It all begins with self-love. And for this to happen, you have to change your thinking, your beliefs about yourself and your negative self-image. Even if you were beautiful, it is not going to last. And then what? What does last is brains, knowledge, curiosity, character, achievements, the love you give to others, real friendships. Be authentic, know thyself, as the wise Socrates said. We are such a shallow society, rarely bothering to look beyond appearances. You will find that the less you fixate on yourself and look outwards, the happier you will be.
Thank you for your honesty, Erika!
I hope you will find a way to allow the praise you receive from then men who find you beautiful to sink into where you really live. Even just reading what you wrote, I am already convinced you are beautiful.
I also agree with your observation that women are often more critical of other women’s appearance than men are. The painful hypercriticism with which women view themselves and other women seems to me to a symptom of some kind of arrested psychological development, in which young teenage girls have their closest relationships with their girlfriends, rather than w/ boys.
By contrast, it does seem to me that in the great big world outside of middle school, many men view a broad range of women as attractive and desirable.
Meant to post this here, not below:
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Thank you for your honesty!
I hope you will find a way to allow the praise you receive from then men who find you beautiful to sink into where you really live. Even just reading what you wrote, I am already convinced you are beautiful.
I also agree with your observation that women are often more critical of other women’s appearance than men are. The painful hypercriticism with which women view themselves and other women seems to me to a symptom of some kind of arrested psychological development, in which young teenage girls have their closest relationships with their girlfriends, rather than w/ boys.
By contrast, it does seem to me that in the great big world outside of middle school, many men view a broad range of women as attractive and desirable.
Thats a fantastic article, thank you for sharing.
Also, its always nice to see a gender article from either side that doesn’t go down the road of “the other gender never has it this bad.” I think if more feminists and masculinists were able to write like this we’d find out how much we have in common
Heh
firefox is trying to correct masculinist as a spelling mistake, but not feminist, clearly mozilla are misandric.
I’m going to try and keep track of how much I use the term “beautiful.” I use it a bit, mostly for visual artwork or landscapes. I tend to use other adjectives for code or formulas or films. I suspect the reluctance could come from the idea that “beautiful” is a very emotional word. Possibly women are more permitted to admit to being moved by art and such other things that “real men” never go near?
Just thinking about it, I have heard beautiful used *alot* by men to describe boats, which are traditionally considered female in western european culture (though not Slavic for some reason). Other uses I can think of are:
-The grain in wood
-Flavour of wine
-Physical skill (such as driving or the sports techniques you mentioned)
-Landscapes/Views
-Houses
-Horses
-Cars
Maybe its a different set of cultural values for men as well? Men being more likely to comment on the beauty of things they’re interested in. Working from the assumption I made above that men are reluctant to express emotion in front of other men, I think expressions of beauty are limited to “safe” areas that other men are also likely to feel emotional about. I also have a feeling men are more likely to make such observations in the company of a few other men, rather than women.
Thanks again for the article
Got me thinking.
I did not have time to read through all of the comments above, so I apologise in advance if this was already addressed. I am shocked at the simplicity that you use when discussing eating disorders, “The experience I have found is that almost every woman who has an eating disorder has it because she has an unnatural fear of being seen as unattractive by the opposite sex.” This idea dismisses the seriousness and complexity of what an eating disorder is. In fact, in my experience although there may be common stories, rarely are any two sufferer’s experiences and root causes for the disorder the same. In the context of the post I find it particularly alarming as it is misleading for many men who are in relationships with woman who suffer from disorders and may feel disempowered and frustrated by not being able to be a supportive/loving enough partner to dispel that myth. I am no expert in this field outside of my own experiences and truth be told I am having a hard time verbalising exactly why this sentence jumped out at me the way it did, however I felt it important to mention.
“Men rarely use the world “beautiful,” except when talking about women.”
Do you have empirical–as opposed to merely anecdotal–data to back up this contention? Perhaps I’m an outlier, but I use (or think) the word “beautiful” in connection with a whole host of sensory phenomena, including but not limited to the sensation of a beautiful woman knocking on my sense door .
Men are visual, more so than women, when it comes to mating. It is one of the psycho-biological imperatives of being male — gay or straight or betwixt and between. The challenge for men is to move past the imperative and move into the realm of conscious choice. Desire, of course, knows no reason, and we will be attracted to those we are attracted to whether or no it seems fair to the world at large.
I suspect that the unfair advantage beauty gives to both men and women is universal. We can rage at a lack of justice in it, insist that it is merely the product of western materialism being forced on other cultures, but literature and oral traditions from around the world repeat again and again the desirability of a beautiful spouse or lover. And have how beauty and desire can beget love.
The search for beauty, the desire to be with one someone beautiful, is an ancient one and we had best accept that it is a part of what makes us human, dogma be damned.
I agree — except — it seems unfair somehow. Like all other unfair advantages are called to task and people actively make changes to try to erase those. But with beauty it seems like “oh well, if you’re not beautiful you lose”. I’m a little harsh maybe, but not much. It’s a big reason why I think older people are marginalized, and so it has everything to do with agesim also.
Dear Ms. Hicks,
I am generally impatient with complaints about what is and is not “fair.” We may wish matters of all kinds were more fair. However, in my experience and observations, too, fair is a concept that applies mostly to board games and sports, but not as much or as often to life.
In the real world, we are all contending regularly with a range of advantages and disadvantages, too, that have nothing at all to do with what is or is not “fair.”
Physical beauty, like money, is in some ways an advantage, regardless of how one comes to possess this advantage.
However, when it comes to what is regarded as physical “beauty,” we ought to realistically consider the role that marketing plays — whether it is professional marketing or merely social interactions and the influence of our own self esteem and self confidence: how we and those we know market us and others we know — in shaping views of who is or is not physically “beautiful.”
Without any doubt, the experience of being deeply loved and valued helps everyone to feel more beautiful. An abiding sense of being valuable and lovable, a sense of being beautiful, can also influence a person’s physical manifestation of beauty.
I am also aware that many women feel valuable and worthy only because of successful conformity to an arbitrary standard of physical beauty. Conversely, other people feel unlovable and unworthy — and can also be regarded by those around them as such — if they do not conform to that arbitrary standard of physical beauty. Too often, people are regarded as being less than, in fact, they are because they do not compare favorably to the arbitrary standard of physical beauty.
However, feelings of self loathing and worthlessness — or, similarly, the experience of being hated or ostracized by a group — can also negate the advantages of physical beauty.
Women’s historic (and perhaps enduring) role of pleasing — in various ways – men, who are traditionally more powerful than women, is surely related to the overemphasis that both women and men place on women’s physical appearance.
At the same time, women who are generally regarded as sexually attractive are often also regarded as less intelligent than women who are viewed as less physically attractive.
My views on physical beauty may be a little unusual because of the decades I spent in the performing arts, as a ballet dancer. That experience — from a tender age — exerted a tremendous pressure to conform to an artificial and arbitrary physical aesthetic.
However, I hold no resentment whatsoever towards the demands the ballet aesthetic placed on me in my earlier years. Instead, I continue to find that aesthetic to be very beautiful in many varied, complicated ways that are physical and much more, too.
In part, however, the experience of being measured continually to the ballet aesthetic gave me a strong sense of how, in fact, malleable the human body is.
By contrast, I have observed how young teenage girls often develop a fairly static, even a rigid perception of themselves as either beautiful or not, when, in reality, their bodies can and likely will continue to change, even change dramatically, throughout their lives.
I don’t think it’s really men that put the pressure on weight, I have always thought women are the ones that add that pressure on to each other. When I was a size 12 men were telling me how sexy I was and my girlfriends were asking if I had tried SlimQuick.
As a man, I don’t believe I have used the word beautiful in describing another human being in the past ten years. Compared to Ship Rock silhouetted against the desert stars or a bronze by Rodin or the few off a mountain top it just doesn’t seem right, somehow. That’s not to say I don’t find the other people beautiful, it’s just a very different feeling and it doesn’t feel right lumping it together under the same word. I don’t know, maybe I’m just crazy.
As far as weight concerns go, especially with anorexia, I don’t believe men are providing the impetus for that one. I and all of my heterosexual male friends find women of a healthy weight far more attractive and I’ve never heard a man express appreciation of an anorexic figure. I think the problem there comes from the increasing use of computer graphics in creating the images which serve as our standards of beauty. The standard being unachievable is nothing new, but it now looks much more convincingly possible than it ever did before (everyone excepts a statue or a painting as an idealization, but most people view these images as simple photographs without thinking of the degree to which they’ve usually been doctored), and I think that gives a lot of people the idea that if they just worked a little harder at it they could look like the people in that movie or that ad.
Let me point out that even being beautiful…you can still be obsessed by it.
I’m fairly beautiful…to myself and others. And I catch myself alot gazing in mirrors admiring myself. But it’s not a loving gaze…it’s more like a power trip. Like a “I feel so insecure, but I’m so beautiful that no one will notice” look. I’m sort of addicted to it. But I like the feeling of power I get from it…but it’s not a healthy powerful feeling but more like…because I’m beautiful I feel safer…(people are generally alot nicer and more intimidated of me on my ‘hot’-ter days)
Whenever I’m in a dumpy slum days where I’m less hot though….I feel awful. disgusting…gross. And if people aren’t in awe like they were the other days…I try harder and harder to look pretty the next day.
It’s a vicious, ugly cycle. I wish I wasn’t so scared of being ugly. I wish I could be butt ugly and still love myself.
This seems to be a pretty common theme among my super-attractive female friends. The more beautiful she is, the more insecure and afraid of being ugly she is. Why? Because most of the validation a really attractive woman has gotten in her life revolves around her beauty. The more beautiful she is, the more times she’s heard “You’re so beautiful” as opposed to any other good qualities she may have or more substantial things she may have achieved. Being physically beautiful is “enough,” it seems, to open all sorts of doors, but if that beauty were to suddenly go away, the perception (often correct) is that those doors would be slammed shut.
This is one reason I don’t envy my friends who are more beautiful than I am, even though being a woman who isn’t the most beautiful has its own price to pay.
I liked the article overall and found it very interesting, I don’t want to come across as nitpicky, but the way you talked about eating disorders struck me as oversimplified and (innocently) misunderstood and I had to say something. It bothers me when people think silly girls wanting to look hot for men is the cause of eating disorders. It’s very very complex and from personal experience, I would say that the cause stems more from self hatred and the desire for control that in fact has nothing to do with looking attractive for the opposite sex. (And many many other factors for sure) Just want to help people understand a little better.
You will never convince me that men are truly interested in a having dialogue about beauty with women. That is the equivalent of treading on a field of active landmines while strapped with plastic explosives. The truth is, most women are not classically beautiful and most men know this. Men and women work AROUND this fact, as they have been doing for millions of years. Somehow it all works out. The best that a woman can do is learn to examine her attributes objectively and WORK IT, BABY!