I’m Bobby Handler, the best man. I’ve never been married, but Tommy Taylor has been.
Donna, I’m sure he’ll do much better the second time.
Me and Tommy, we’ve known each other since we were 4 years old, but I’m not going to talk about when Tommy used to eat dirt. I’m not going to talk about the time he cut the tip of his finger off with a steak knife when my mom was babysitting him. And I’m not going to talk about his blankie, which he slept with through his freshman year of college, or that his girlfriend who we called the Titanic stole it from him after he cheated on her. To be fair, the girl who Tommy cheated with was Tonya, the first girl who Tommy ever asked to marry him, but not, of course, the first girl who he married—or the second.
I’m late for most things, but I have a really great time once I get there.
Donna, I can say that you’re the first girl who Tommy really wanted to marry. Plus, you’re not pregnant—unless you haven’t told Tommy yet or he hasn’t told me.
I don’t think that I’ve had too much to drink yet.
Mr. and Mrs. Donna’s mom and dad, I’m sorry that I can’t think of your last name right now, but thank you for paying for all this—the food and the booze, the tables and chairs, this tent—thank you for paying for it even though Tommy told me that you don’t think he’s good enough for your daughter.
Me and Tommy, we met in the sandbox at Potter’s Park. Our moms put us in there together. Tommy threw sand in my face and I chopped him in the neck with that tiny plastic shovel. Our moms broke it up, but we’ve been friends ever since.
I don’t know why Tommy likes me. I like to drink, but I’m not that much fun. I’m probably only talking right now because Tommy doesn’t have any brothers and most people don’t like him.
In kindergarten, he used to give girls a nickel to show him their underwear. I don’t know if that’s changed much.
In first grade, Tommy peed his pants at school because he was afraid to ask the teacher if he could go to the bathroom. There was a little puddle under his desk.
I like the band. Sometimes I will listen to the same song over and over again. I like percussion instruments. I like the snare drum. I am not a violent man.
Tommy has told me so many times that seeing Donna naked is the only thing that he needs to make him happy.
I didn’t want Tommy to get married the first time. Their divorce was a relief. It wasn’t my fault. I didn’t have sex with her until after they separated.
In high school, we both got cut from the baseball team. I don’t think we’d still be friends if either one of us would have made the team.
One summer, we both worked the grill at Burger King. We never washed our hands. We did things to the food. We drank Mountain Dew until our lips dried out and we got jittery. It’s those times, remembering those times, that has kept us friends this long.
Another thing, me and Tommy, we used to used to pay a homeless man to buy us beer. Then we’d drive around town drinking the beer. We never found any girls or ended up at a party or anything like that. We’d just go home when the beer was gone. A couple years ago, that homeless man died of exposure. It was in the newspaper.
I’m trying to be sincere.
I know that a lot of you traveled a long way to be here today.
Tommy will cry if he sees a dead animal in the road.
I have always wanted a dog.
I know that I’m supposed to talk about both of them, but I don’t really know Donna. I can tell you this: Tommy broke up with his girlfriend Kathy right after he saw Donna. He hadn’t even talked to Donna yet. He had just seen her, but he said that he wanted to do it right, so he sent Kathy home in a cab. Then he bought Donna a drink and talked her up with nice things.
Ever since then, I have kind of missed Tommy. I don’t have any other friends either.
I have never tried to have sex with Donna. I haven’t even joked about it.
Donna can touch the tip of her nose with her tongue.
Here’s something else: On their first date, Donna gave Tommy a blowjob in a bathroom stall. That is why we are gathered here today. It is my belief that blowjobs can keep a marriage happy.
I don’t know why I said that. I don’t really know anything about happy marriages.
Sometimes me and Tommy would ask the same girl out just to see which one of us she would pick. I usually won, but sometimes Tommy did. I’m better looking, but he’s nicer.
I don’t know if Tommy has ever noticed that Donna’s eyes are lopsided. They are also different colors. They are not pretty.
I’m not trying to be mean.
I was the middle child.
I don’t like standing in front of people.
I don’t know who most of you are.
I’ve never had so many people look at me.
I wish that I could dance.
Donna, your friend Rachel, thinking about the shape of her ass keeps me up at night.
Rachel, I’d like to get a drink with you sometime. I think that I would like the shape of you from the front too.
Tammy, I thought that you were so cute when we were in high school and I’ve been wondering why you aren’t anymore, especially since you aren’t and haven’t had kids or anything like that. The difference is that in high school you were a cheerleader and really enthusiastic about everything.
I would be happier for Tommy and Donna if I had a girlfriend.
Does anybody know if Janet Dooley got married? Or Michelle Harrison? I would really like to see either one of them naked.
I don’t know what else I’m supposed to say.