Bad boys have a reputation for great sex lives… but science has uncovered something surprising about who is actually getting the most (and best) sex.
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In a world that shouts “Nice guys finish last”, and “Marriage is the end of sex”, what group of guys do you think has the most sex? And does your answer change if the topic is sexual satisfaction?
It’s funny, but I have received letters from men and women alike insisting that although their marriage is on fire, surely the single and the jerk-y are getting laid the most.
So imagine my surprise when I read the science on who’s actually getting it on.
Do nice guys finish last?
When it comes to hooking up, there may be a “jerk perk”. In studies, women reveal that they choose the highest-achieving guys for flings, and other research shows that women assume difficult men have more money. On average, it’s true: Disagreeable men make about 18% more.
But.
Think about who you’d like to spend your life with. Someone mean-spirited, perhaps? Someone who openly disrespects you and disregards your hopes, dreams, and wishes? Someone self-centered, who hasn’t got the patience to sympathize with your tough day?
Nope. And women don’t want that man either; not for long! In global research covering every continent but Antarctica, women place kindness, loyalty, and lovingness—i.e., being a Good Man—at the very top of their list of requirements for a mate.
In numerous studies, jerks are, by their own admission, less relationship-oriented, less friendly, less forgiving, less trusting, less helpful, less warm, less caring, less cooperative, and less sympathetic than non-jerks—precisely the opposite of the kind, loving, loyal heart women in 37 cultures and countries say they absolutely require in a mate. Jerks are less well-liked, they have more stress, and they have less happy lives. Basically, they have a little more money, and that’s it.
Good Men are better off in every other regard. Including how often they get laid.
How much sex?
Because Good Men are more likely than jerks are to get and stay married, they’re also much likelier to be getting laid often.
The way scientists look at it, singletons are people who are currently unmarried– including never-married, separated, divorced, or widowed– but not living with someone in a sexual relationship (cohabiting).
Taken that way, married folks –men and women–have more sex than anyone but cohabiters. And in some studies, once you account for the length of the relationship, it’s a shagadellic tie between marrieds and cohabs—both of whom leave the singles in the sexual dust. For instance, in the most famous of the studies (known as the NHSLS), over half of cohabiting men reported having sex at least twice a week~compared to 43% of married men and just over a quarter of single men.
Not only that, but a third of single men hadn’t had any sex at all in the preceding year…compared to about 1% of the married guys. Zero cohabiters were sexless, but that’s probably because of the way cohabitation is defined; without sex, you’re roommates.
How good is the sex?
Okay, so the Good Married Men of the world are getting laid. But it’s boring…right?
Again, not according to science. In the NHSLS, the married men were the most emotionally and physically satisfied with their sex lives~happier than the cohabiting men, who in turn were more satisfied than single men. Sociologists think commitment is the secret ingredient: People who feel more commitment feel happiest about their sex life, and commitment feelings are typically highest for the people who have made the ultimate commitment, in marriage.
Upshot? Good Men are highly desirable as marriage partners, and more likely to remain wed than jerky boys. And contrary to stereotypes, married men are more likely to be getting laid at all, to be getting laid a lot, and to be happy with all of the above, than single guys.
So it would appear that for many Good Men, sex isn’t just about getting some strange. Strangely enough, it might be more about building a bond with a Good Woman who wisely appreciates you.
Duana C. Welch, Ph.D., is the author of Love Factually: 10 Proven Steps from I Wish to I Do, available now. You can get a free chapter and learn more at http://www.lovefactually.co
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Photo: Flickr/Lemuel Cantos
Yoy throw the term jerk around a lot, biased opinion
I feel motivated after reading this post! Thanks for the approach now I feel confident enough to talk to girls hopefully this is true. Are you talking form experience?
How about men stop basing their self-worth on whether they sleep with women and how often they sleep with women???
Arent you perhaps projecting a bit now? Most guys have some sort of want for side-pussy or variety(because they can actually inseminate multiple women, thats a evolutionary good instinct), compared to women that mostly will only go for someone more attractive than their current partner, unless they want to perhaps partner-switch, and the current guy does not seem invested. Few women would sleep around aggressively with just any willing guy, many men would and do. Also, most men masturbate more according to studies, and womens sex-drive pick up mainly in early puberty(when they have a short testosterone boost), or in… Read more »
“women place kindness, loyalty,and lovingness… at the very top of their list of requirements for a good mate.” Hey wait! they just made a movie about a guy like that. Yeah, it grossed around 500 million dollars worldwide in like 3 days! In fact, it’s based on a book about the same guy that sold over 100 million copies. He even has his own hashtag #HFC (Horny for Christian). This is the guy women fantasize about and he fits your description to a tee.
And how many women are there in this world today?
What is so impressive about 100 million copies in the world with more than 7 billion people?
Silke, besides the fact that both 500 million dollars and 100 million copies were record breakers in themselves and that these sales were concentrated in the ‘western’ industrialized world. I don’t know where you’re from but here where I am in the USA, you’d be hard pressed to find a woman who hasn’t a) read 50 shades of Grey, or b) hasn’t sen the movie (at least once)!
Bobbt I am Scandinavian. And can not find any data about how many of here read the book.
All I find is bad press about the book and the film in our news papers.
I am sure several women read it out of curiosity but I have never met anyone that read it.
That women have interest in erotic books is not surprising.
But it scares me if men start to think women in general like to abused,stalked,raped, and mistreated.
Bobbt
Live in major metro city in south.
I know of plenty women who are decidedly avoiding fifty. But anecdotal evidence is pointless.
Wife is a domestic violence counselor and I’d recommend broading from your circle to read and understand the negative impact this fifty phenomenon is having on young women and male interpretation of feminine sexual desire.
Td, believe it or not I’m with you on this, ok? I have 2 daughters who live in the south and I know that Christian beliefs run deep there(just another abomination of this book that the ‘Hero’ is named Christian). Silke, there’s nothing wrong with Erotic literature,but this isn’t . It’s glorified abuse. And who is glorifying it , Women! Even the Feminist seem fine with it. Td, I would love to read about what you mention. Why not contact GMP and see if they’d publish it as Ms. ‘Social Science’ doesn’t seem to be taking questions.
Bobbt
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I agree with you. This is not erotic litterature. My knowledge of the English language is not good ,and I never learned the deeper meaning of words .
Fortunatley lots and lots of women do NOT glorify the books and the film but see it clearly for what it is.
Maybe “The Bad Boys” who ever they are , only brag more about their sex life and conquest while decent men make love but see it as private and do not talk about it non stop?
In my country we say ” empty barrels make the most noise” , meaning men that also talk about sex, and brag do not have a frequent and good sex life.
Totally not true. A woman must have written this.
Why do some men think women only like to have sex with mean ,abusive men?
Who benefits from myths like these?
Pretty much every asshole, racist, bigot, sexist that I know of is married or in LTR’s. Many decent guys I know, some are married, some are single, probably more single decent guys than the jerks. Anecdotal yes but I doubt that bad men are worse off in finding partners and keeping them. Sure women (and men) may say they want X, Y, and Z but they may go for A, B, and Z.
I dont see the racist connection at all- most jerky dudes I know are more in the politically-correct camp, and are quite gynocentric. “You have to take care of the girls because they are beautiful flowers”. If you get laid more, you will probably often feel that way, because women are more strongly rooted as something positive, because you have many memories of having sex with many women. The opposite, disliking women, would also be true, because not having sex with them, and mainly feeling frustration, or the separate treatment they get(a positive one that is) will create negative emotions… Read more »