Joanna Schroeder wonders why dads take the fall for women’s bad behavior, but when men act badly it’s never blamed on ‘Mommy Issues’.
Last week we published Damon Young’s piece, Is There Such a Thing As Daddy Issues? In it, Damon asserts that there really is no such thing… that “Daddy Issues” is really just an excuse to deny personal responsibility. Besides, he asserts, everyone has a dad, (whether you know him or not) so it’s sort of like saying that you have Human Being issues.
Damon uses his friend’s girlfriend, “Jane,” as an example. Jane does a lot of annoying shit, such as when she threw a tantrum and then protested by sitting in a car all night in the winter. With the windows open. Damon’s friend explains his girlfriend’s behavior as just another woman with Daddy Issues. Here’s how Damon replies:
Jane’s relationship with her father didn’t make her a weirdo. No, the fact that she was fucking weird made her a weirdo. Daddy issues didn’t cause your ex-girlfriend to break-up with you because she just couldn’t be with a guy who “liked her too much.” No, she couldn’t be with a guy who liked her too much because she was an asshole and an emotional nincompoop.
I definitely agree that Jane’s a weirdo.
But are guys any less weird?
People, join me here. Don’t we all know guys and girls are equally weird? We may often be weird in different ways, but we have equal potential for assholery. And yet somehow you never hear a guy’s issues blamed on his mama.
I had this ex… Let’s call him “Jake”, and we were a giant mess of drama, and about 85% of that drama was his fault (I swear!). One example of his ridiculousness centers around an evening we spent in Venice Beach with a bunch of friends. It was winter, and it was raining near the coast. Now, I don’t know how many of you have driven in greater Los Angeles in the rain, but some people treat it as if pure liquid ice were falling from the sky and coating the roadways. A light sprinkle causes about half of LA’s drivers to set their windshield wipers to “manic” and camp out in the fast lane on the 10 freeway, or the 405, or the 5 South, (you know us Angelenos, for us it’s all about the freeways) erratically alternating between 40 and 57 MPH.
Other people drive in the rain as if they were flipping the bird to physics, flying through giant puddles until they hydroplane (in LA, entire intersections will flood after about 3/4 of an inch of rainfall). And of course they don’t know how to handle a hydroplane. These daredevils all drive 8 MPG SUVs. Black ones, windows tinted, with black rims on their 22 inch wheels. They are almost exclusively driven by teeny tiny white housewives coming back from facials. But I digress.
My point is, driving in LA in the rain is dangerous. Not because of the actual weather, but because of the drivers.
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So my ex, Jake, and I are out with friends walking along the canals in Venice Beach and all is dandy until I decide to light up a cigarette. Now, when Jake met me, I had a half-pack-a-day habit, and had since sophomore year of high school. But somehow Jake had it in his mind that by the power of his all-encompassing love I would simply no longer crave cigarettes.
If only.
So I light up. Jake walks away from us, crosses a bridge to the other side of the canal. He gets on his motorcycle, revs the engine dramatically, and starts to drive away without a helmet. We all yell to him, “What the fuck are you doing?” I offer to get his leather jacket and helmet out of my car where they were locked up, but he replies, “Don’t bother!” and drives away. In the rain, on the freeway, in Los Angeles. In a tee shirt. In 50 degree weather. To downtown LA. Because I smoked a cigarette. That’s almost 20 miles!
Crazy, right? But not a whole ton crazier than Damon’s “Jane”…
I would never have thought to blame Jake’s craziness on Mommy Issues, though maybe I should have. His mother, while being the sweetest woman in the world, worshipped this man. No matter what you’d say, her comment was about how perfect Jake was. You see a cute dog? Jake is amazing with dogs. Jake once found a wild dog on the street that was half wolf and half jackal, and he trained it to jump through rings of fire. You going out for a little jog? Well, did you know that Jake invented a brand new pair of running shoes that are made of a material harvested from the planet Venus that makes you levitate?
Okay maybe not that bad but it really felt like that. And Mr. Perfect Jake ended up cheating on me, with like ten different girls. I dumped him (obviously), and he was so heartbroken that his mother came into town to take care of him. On her first day in LA she came into my place of work and said, “I heard you had Jake had a little row. I’m sure you can forgive him. He really loves you. And you’ll never find a guy as good as Jake who doesn’t stray just a little bit. It’s the nature of a man.”
Now, if that’s not just a big ol’ basket of Mommy Issues then I don’t know what is.
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To be clear, we’ve all heard the term “Mama’s Boy” which is definitely supposed to be an insult. But a Mama’s Boy implies a man who is so close with his mother that he is a total wuss, incapable of caring for himself. While Jake’s mom was definitely his biggest fan, Jake was actually pretty tough—the kind of guy looking for trouble. He was also an athlete, very strong, and very confident. Not your typical Mama’s Boy, but definitely a guy with Mommy Issues.
I have also known guys with abusive mothers, alcoholic or addict mothers, distant and cold mothers or otherwise randomly imperfect mothers… And these guys have had their issues. One guy actually said to me, on a first date, that I should see his penis because it was really fantastic. Cringing, I took the bait. “What makes you think that?” I asked.
He replied proudly, “Because my mother told me so.”
But never once did I call any of these eccentricities Mommy Issues.
Why is that? Because mothers, no matter who they are, are seen as a gift to their sons. Whereas fathers, no matter what they do, always seem to have to take the fall for their daughters’ crazy-bananas behaviors. As Damon points out, a woman’s dad is blamed for being too loving, not loving enough, distant, overly-involved, working too much, or not making enough money.
What are we really saying with this? That women, like Jane, are never really grown-ups. We’re never fully autonomous or responsible. Our lives are defined by our fathers well after we have our own jobs, write our own rent checks and have our own retirement funds. That’s bullshit. Ladies, you’re responsible for your own shit.
If we started to look at men’s behaviors like that, I guarantee you we could blame everything guys do on their moms, too. Instead, you know what we say? We say, “What do you expect? He’s a man!”
How’s that for a load of bullshit? You guys are not only blamed for women’s issues (as fathers), but you aren’t even allowed to blame your issues on your mothers. Instead, your badness is assumed to be just a part of being a man.
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I agree with Damon when he says, “using daddy issues as a universal excuse, distinction, and diagnosis subtly absolves accountability, making all dads equal scapegoats for shitty behavior.” And this messed up dichotomy of “She’s got Daddy Issues” vs “He’s a man, what do you expect?” is bullshit for everyone.
Ultimately, Damon’s right, these are human issues. We’re fucked up. Humans do weird shit. We all do. Even you. I personally have a habit of sending eight text messages in a row. Ask my husband or either of my male blog partners. It’s super annoying. Also, I can’t hide it when I’m angry—I’ll say it whenever, wherever, in front of whomever. And I roll my eyes. A lot. I call myself fat when I’m wearing size 2 pants. Not because I want attention, but because I actually think I’m fat. See? Fucked up.
But it’s really not my dad’s fault. And it’s not your mom’s fault that you bite your own toe nails or that you chuck your cell phone across the room every time your girlfriend looks at another guy at the sports bar. Even if your mom cheated on your dad. Even if she cheated on him in a sports bar. Its still on you, pal.
There’s serious therapeutic benefit to looking at your past issues and traumas, identifying them and healing them. And men should have just as much a right as women to go into the shrink and say, “My mama really jacked me up.” But the responsibility to heal those Mommy Issues or Daddy Issues lies within ourselves. And that’s sort of empowering, right?
Lead photo courtesy of Perfecto Insecto
Map of Venice to Downtown LA courtesy of Google Maps
About Joanna Schroeder
Women also have Mommy Issues, and men have Daddy Issues.
Sure. That’s why I like that Damon says the whole thing is silly. “Human Issues”!
Bad parents can screw up their kids. Terrible fathers can screw up their sons and daughters and terrible mothers can screw up their sons and daughters.
It is also sort of depressing. Knowing that problems which are no fault of your own are your responsibility to fix. You didn’t break it, but you’ve got to pick up the pieces and painstakingly put it back together. Depending on your viewpoint, I guess it is either depressing or empowering. With that said, I don’t feel very empowered knowing that all the time, money, difficulty, and excruciating pain is all on me even though I’m the victim.
Well, Collin, they gave you life – no small feat. 8)
They grow you up as best as they could: the rest is up to you.
“They grow you up as best as they could: the rest is up to you.”
I think his point is that, for some people, they didn’t.
Exactly. There are some people who are unfit to be parents. In fact, I used to say to my mother that my biggest problem with her was the fact that she just didn’t give a fuck and try to do anything. If she put the effort in and that she was doing the best she could, I could accept that, but she wasn’t and that was the part that really bothered me.
I’m from Orange County, right next door to LA and… HE REALLY DROVE FROM VENICE BEACH TO DOWNTOWN IN THE RAIN ON A BIKE WITH NO HELMET?
Geebus P Cryst, that dude’s got more issues than Times, just from that single incident. I mean, drivers in SoCal are scary. We don’t play around; you can die during light rain on the 405. I’m surprised he made it, and it would’ve been totally funny (in a really horrible way) if he’d gotten back home and said, in a deep and emotional voice, “What I did just then is what you do every time you put a cigarette to your lips.”
But people are never that cool in real life =/
That said, *I have mommy issues*. My mom was crazy, and awesome, but also passed away when I was a teenager after I’d been taking care of her for a few years. Thus leaving me with a great many unresolved issues that I had to overcome the hard way — romantic heartbreak.
For example: a stripper who dumped me to go to Baja for a weekend and *might* be dead. An ex-girlfriend who moved to Auckland, New Zealand and never told me — I found out about a year later through a mutual friend who was surprised I didn’t know. There was a half-night stand who kicked me out of her bed at 4 AM in the morning because I woke her up while tip-toing to the bathroom for a piss. Oh, and another great story was the girl I met from Marin who apparently dated me for rides to The City to sell marijuana and other drugs on behalf of her dealer, who was also her lover.
Seriously, real talk. Mommy Issue ain’t no lie.
Good work, Joanna.
For this article, and for dropping Jake.
I think the matter is twofold:
- Yes, most people have Daddy/Mommy Issues.
- But, as an adult, everyone is responsbile for their own “shit”.
So, IMHO, Daddy/Mommy Issues can be an explanation, but not a justification.
I’m partially inclined to believe in some blokes having Mother Issues. A friend of mine exhibits behaviour that would suggest this. He was raised only child to a single mother and she acts like he can do no wrong. And although I don’t to use ficticious examples but Sterling Archer from the tv show Archer is surely (albeit comically) based around the concept of a metaphorically uncut umbilical cord
.
Some psychologists believe that when men retreat from emotional experiences and relationships they are really running away from Mommy – a kind of regression to the adolescent separation and rebellion. I don’t know if I believe that is true. Other psychologists believe that men are all pursuing their Oedipal fantasies and reject women when they do not favorably compare to their mothers. And maybe there is some combination of the two impulses competing for domination in the male psyche. If so we’re pretty screwed up indeed.
Hello Dr. Freud.
Kidding
My mom thinks I’m an angel too. If only she knew all the crazy stuff I’ve done. I’m the youngest of her three boys so I’m her baby though my sister is younger than I. I’m kind of surprised that Jake told his mom that he was unfaithful and didn’t blame everything on you. We never told our moms what we did. My brother was in the hospital because of a car accident and my mom found out from his wife after he already had the neck brace off. A friend was shot about 25 years ago and his mom still doesn’t know.
Parents are flawed human beings like everyone else. I don’t think I’d call them mommy or daddy issues. I wouldn’t even call them human issues at least if you’re referring to the parents. It’s another matter if you’re referring to yourself. I’d say they were issues from being human. No one is perfect not even mommy or daddy. We’re all flawed the best we can hope for is to be better people tomorrow than we are today.
“A friend was shot about 25 years ago and his mom still doesn’t know.”
Wait, what? What?! The only way I could think of this working is if they were estranged, so she wouldn’t like ever call him up or something? I don’t mean to be digging into your personal stuff…just this was nearly unbelievable to me. Also, if you don’t want to discuss it further, then I understand and I won’t prod.
He didn’t live with his mom at the time. He lived with an older brother. They’re not estranged. They just don’t communicate on a daily basis and I’m sure his brothers would have made something up if she got suspicious. My friend was taken to the hospital by his brothers. I don’t know what they told the hospital staff, since he was a legal adult at the time about 20 or so, I don’t know if they had to notify his mom. She knows he’s shy so his not walking around shirtless doesn’t surprise her. A female friend had found out. She was incensed. She said she’d want to know. Luckily she doesn’t know his mom.
I know a lot of tough guys and he’s one of the tougher ones. He just got a suit dismissed against him for hospitalizing three guys who broke into his apartment. They would have been fine, but one of them decided to break his cat’s ribs and that set him off. He told me he would have killed them had his cat died and I believe him. He’s one of the more sensitive guys I know too.
I, my friends and my brothers have always been like that. We love each other, but if you’re not injured or if you’re already cured, don’t bug me. My brother worked the late shift and was robbed at gun point. He threw a 6 pack of pop at the gunman and escaped. He woke me up and told me what happened. I asked are you OK? He said yes. I asked him if he wanted to go after them. He said no. I said then I’m going back to sleep.
I got jumped by 8 guys once. Put two in the hospital and was pretty sure at least one more wasn’t feeling too good, but eventually took a pounding. I couldn’t hide it. Mom was hysterical and furious. My brothers were laughing their butts off. It happened about a mile from out house so they assumed that I must be OK beside the fact that everyone at the dojang knew I could take a pounding. She was going to send my brothers out, but I told them I’d take care of it after I got out of bed.
A lot of guys would rather take a pounding than have to deal with their mom’s tears or disappointment. I’m not sure the bullet would have hurt him as much as his mom’s reaction.
Right so first, for some reason I read that as ‘killed’ not ‘shot.’ Maybe it was just my subconscious jumping to the conclusion that if he was shot he probably died. Anyway, I ended up thinking a friend of yours was dead and somehow his mother didn’t know after 25 years. I was like…first that’s nearly impossible, and second that’s horrible. But oh, he’s still alive, so not so crazy.
As for the hospital thing…they notify next of kin about this sort of thing, but if his brothers were there then I suppose they would count. Since he’s over 18, there’s no obligation to notify the parents, per se. At least, I’m pretty sure that’s how it works. I suppose theoretically if you’re awake you could also ask them not to notify anyone.
And, well to each their own, I suppose, but it seems to me keeping something that big from one’s parents (assuming they talk on a regular basis) is a pretty big thing to hide. On the other hand, I suppose I tend to purposefully keep anything bad in my life from my parents, especially my mother, so that she doesn’t worry. I get that.
I was with you until the whole, half wolf, half jackal thing. Do you know how hard it is for jackals and wolves to mate? It just made your whole story seemed contrived.
Anyway, very nice piece.
Thats the men act, women are acted upon thing that Typonblue writes about.
In the example you are giving, men are responsible for their own actions, and the evidence of women acting is transfered back to the actions of the father.
I think most of us are screwed up in some way by our parents, even if it’s that they had such a blissfully happy marriage and successful careers that it sets unrealistic expectations for how easy life should be. While we certainly can’t blame our parents for such things, it is helpful to identify the ways in which our upbringing may differ from that of others, so that we don’t go through life with the belief that every relationship will reinforce what we experienced in childhood.
For me, recognizing that my father’s lying and philandering made me prone to mistrusting my husband and trying to control him was helpful. My “daddy issues” aren’t an excuse for my bad behavior, but are an explanation for why I have that urge. Acknowledging that my husband hasn’t done anything to warrant my mistrust comes from the realization that I was subconsciously blaming him for my father’s actions. Identifying one’s own “daddy” or “mommy” issues, regardless of our one’s gender, is only worthwhile if it is an impetus to grow up and take responsibility for our own actions.
*regardless of one’s own gender
Read more Freud. He blamed E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G on your mother. So most psychoanalysists did the same until the 1970′s or 80′s, when everyone kind of woke up from their Freudian head-lock and asked themselves if it made any sense. It didn’t, so they quit. But instead of using a sensible, balanced system, some people just began blaming everything on your father.
I swear, Psychology is as faddish as diet food.
Mommy issues? That would be blaming Mommy and mothers are sacred. That’s why mommy blogs are so nasty and judgmental and why the Mommy Wars, which have just flared up again, are so bitter. That’s why women get judged so relentlessly and unfairly and brutally for their mothering or failure to mother.
I don’t have the answers, but the longer I live (and I’m 54), I DO believe that many of the explanations for our behavior have their roots in our childhood and what we recall as being our role in our family and our relations with our parents, in particular. I very much believe we are attracted to some “weakness” that we experienced in our opposite-gender parent (It’s sometimes said that you “marry into your weakness”). We want someone we can “perfect” in a way we could never accomplish with that parent. Perhaps we want to rescue someone (subconsciously, that parent…ease their pain). I met a woman, and I know at a “surface” level, we were crazy about each other. We could have had something really good and long-lasting. But I TRULY believe that in the end, she turned away from me because she was trying to save her daddy (who had essentially abandoned her as a child, and that dynamic had dominated all of her past relationships with men…they were all “projects’) and the realization for her, that there was nothing she needed to “fix” about me. It completely took her “out of her game.” It’s important for us to “understand” who we are and why we behave as we do, but I agree with you, the struggle and the goal, is to prevent that from defining us. We ARE responsible for our decisions and actions.
@Don Draper: “many of the explanations for our behavior have their roots in our childhood”
Of course.
Sometimes it’s difficult to acknowledge, because it’s like being a puppet moved by “strings” (and nobody likes that), but that’s exactly what often happens.
Specifically, what you refer to is called “projections” in psychology, and it’s when we see someone else (or a part of ourselves, or of our past) in the person we’re attracted to. And it makes the relationship much more complex and difficult: it’s a “shadow material” that gets in the way.
When someone experience the same relationship issue again and again with different partners (abandonment, cheating, abuse…), often s/he is (unconscioulsy) trying to “recreate” a childhood trauma or event.
It’s like a “ghost” from the past, lingering on.
Girl does wrong, blame the dad, guy does wrong, blame him for being a man. And who said misandry doesn’t exist :O.
Mothers being seen as gifts to their sons could be the whole mothers are sacred, golden uterus stuff where mothers know best and the fathers are seen as the bafoons who pay the bills, drink beer n leave the child-raising up to the mother. Major generalization but it may fit.
Another way to look at it is this: mothers are usually considered the primary caregivers. Whenever kids mess up and someone suggests that it’s the parent’s fault, usually what they’re really saying is that the mom messed up somehow. If fathers are (theoretically) not around the kids much, the worst they can do is bumble through a few diaper changes or mess up dinner. Moms, on the other hand, are always there…so they’re the ones who can really cause the most damage.
Not that any of the above is anywhere close to what actually happens…I’m just talking about the perception and the generalizations often made.
Are you a real person or is this blog just for comedy?