When we talk about “femme guys” it’s usually an insult. Here is why this is so harmful, and why femininity in men is so desirable.
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“What is a man?”
“How should he act?”
These questions build constructs and strict rules fueled by shame, and dictated by fear of weakness. This is no more present than in the gay community. Femininity in men is looked down upon, ridiculed, and not taken seriously. Even worse, it’s viewed as the opposite of “manliness.”
Young boys know this. They get to be themselves until they make the mistake of too much emotional expression, or more “feminine,” sensitive thinking.
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Gay men are expected to walk in a narrow space of expectation, where attraction and desirability are based in between strict lines of masculinity. Us gay men already struggle with social acceptance, so we put idealized images of masculinity on a pedestal. These images are a place to climb towards, or something to strive for. And whenever you step up on a pedestal, you’ll always be looking down at something else. In this case, it’s those traits that are described as feminine.
Among gay men, femininity can be described as a certain kind of walk, the tone of a man’s voice, or his sexual positioning. When men display their feminine selves, they can be put down, ridiculed, and called “less-than.” The worth of their status in a group can be questioned because of their behavior or self-expression.
This shaming isn’t exclusive to gay men either. All men have some behaviors that could be described as feminine, but they are told that there are only two extremes. Masculine and feminine. And feminine for men is considered to be bad, or even worse, weak.
Young boys know this. They get to be themselves until they make the mistake of too much emotional expression, or more “feminine,” sensitive thinking. They likely don’t even know what was wrong with their displays of emotion. They just learn that something was wrong, and that they won’t do it again.
While growing up, boys learn that the real reasons that shouldn’t emotionally display themselves is because they should avoid two labels at all costs. Gay and woman are two of the biggest insults that a man can be called. But why? Because both of those labels are presumed to be associated with femininity, and femininity is associated with weakness.
The cost of a masculine/feminine dichotomy.
Imagine an alternative to this, because there is one. A place where men are able to share who they are authentically. A place where being gay or a woman isn’t the worst of insults to a man.
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When men aren’t allowed to be themselves, they’re not as able to connect. They retreat and give up pieces of who they are, thinking that this is what makes them acceptable. Meanwhile, something can feel like it’s missing from their lives. Unsure of what this is, they can disconnect from friends and family or lash out at others who seem “less than.”
Imagine an alternative to this, because there is one. A place where men are able to share who they are authentically. A place where being gay or a woman isn’t the worst of insults to a man. Some of the most meaningful and connected moments in my life have been with men who walked through their fear of appearing “gay” or as if they were “acting like a woman.” I was able to see and hear them in struggle or in success. Men don’t lose something by being equal to gay men and women. They gain something. They can connect.
Is it possible for men to be feminine and manly?
For men who are walking into the territory of being themselves, we have to respect the bravery it takes to do so… They risk vulnerability. They no longer can rely upon looking down on others.
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This possibility lies in our own imagination and boundaries. We have to muddy the water that divides our concepts of what it takes to be defined as a man. If our definitions of femininity are emotional exposure, sensitivity, or soft, or if they pertain to particular roles or behaviors, we have to work on giving these definitions up. Or we at least have to stop treating them like they’re something to be ashamed of.
For men who are walking into the territory of being themselves, we have to respect the bravery it takes to do so. For men who view themselves as more “masculine-acting,” they do risk giving something up. They risk vulnerability. They no longer can rely upon looking down on others. However, by doing so, they also take steps in equalizing their own place in a society that undervalues gay men and women in general.
Walking away from what we struggle to see.
It’s hard to know that you’re guilty of something, when you don’t see it as a problem. This is also true if you see things as the only way. We’re taught about this dichotomy from birth. It continues to be all around us throughout our lives. Our families teach it, or friends live by in, and our media perpetuates it.
When we step into territory that is new or different, it’s never easy. By being brave in this discomfort, you open the doorway of connection with someone in your life.
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I’m not suggesting that we completely let go of our old assumptions of what defines a man. I don’t think that we’re capable of doing that at this point. But we are doing a disservice to ourselves as men, by looking down on femininity in men as less attractive, desirable, and worthy. Instead of continuing to divide by lines of shame and labeled weakness, we have to practice seeing feminine characteristics in men as more attractive than we do now.
The first step is to know the impact of what we’re saying and own that impact. We have to walk away from statements that insult men by calling them something closer to women. Statements like these are more about hatred of women, than anything that is legitimately meaningful.
We also have to contend with being uncomfortable. When we step into territory that is new or different, it’s never easy. By being brave in this discomfort, you open the doorway of connection with someone in your life.
This topic is complex. It’s deeply ingrained too. But if we recognize the harm of this extreme separation that we create, we can also build pathways to connection, friendship, and acceptance.
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Photo: Getty Images
Hey Michael, really great article. I had some awareness, that really, gay men are facing the same issues around masculinity as straight men. I had no idea it was so identical. Your ideas about this, including vulnerability, the braveness of “coming out” as a vulnerable man, gay or straight, is where the solution lies. Many other good thoughts as well. Thanks.
Although late to this discussion party, I have nothing more really to add, as this was one of the most intelligent topics I’ve seen on this site in a long time. The article as well as all the comments described the problem men face in this culture and it really doesn’t serve us all that well anymore. So now that I think we do have the problem described, we need to find our desired goals, and then figure out what things we need to do to get there. Good job guys!
The problem is that we’ve defined ’emotion” as a feminine trait when it is nothing of the sort. The problem is that we are shaming men out of their masculinity just as much as we were shaming them out of “their femininity” in the past. The problem is that now, rather than defining them based upon the need of society, we have reverted to a very small, very powerful ideological group that has, through a myriad of fabricated realities, created a facade of what masculinity is that is so far from the reality that it will take just as long… Read more »
“that change has to start with opening the conversation to men’s rights for themselves rather than a supposed responsibility to the other.”
Absolutely brilliant, DJ.
As always, appreciated 8Ball.
DJ, I read your comment (respectfully) as an argument, but you’re making many of the same points that my article is making. Maybe you are actually just expressing an extension. It’s always hard to know via internet comments. I’m actually suggesting redefinition of this dichotomy. In our society, emotional expression is viewed as more feminine. I’m not suggesting that people become “more” or “less” of anything. Instead, I’m suggesting that we use more caution before putting people into boxes where the subtext is “good” or “bad”. Culturally, our society considers what it has labeled as “feminine” as weakness. And for… Read more »
It is, in fact, an extension, Micheal, that is an attempt to push us beyond current thinking to an even greater awareness, and cease defining traits as inherently female or male, the good being female and the negative being male. That is what we are grappling with today. That is much of what I’m reading today. You are pushing that envelope, discussions such as this are pushing that envelope, but we still need to expand the conversation to include even those truths that we are, perhaps, not ready to realize or accept. I may appear that I’m arguing, or that… Read more »
And I appreciate your push, and your comments as well.
Agreed. Michael says, “Culturally, our society considers what it has labeled as “feminine” as weakness. And for men, there’s nothing more shameful than to be weak.” Why does that currently hold true? Because men are deemed useful and in order to maintain that usefulness we are inflicted with a false sense of pride in order to convince us that we must maintain our manliness and avoid shame when in reality we just maintaining our usefulness to the system. And the maintenance is all around us. From our parents telling us not to cry. To telling us not to speak up… Read more »