Lynn Beisner examines evidence of a pattern of behavior in unhappy marriages that is almost never discussed.
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“This has never been a real marriage because I never really loved you. I married you because I thought that was what I was supposed to do.”
Those were the words that Todd, my first husband, used to end our marriage. They hit me like a physical blow, shattered me into a million little pieces of jagged pain. After the first raw wave of grief passed, I was hit by shame so intense that it felt like burning ink in my veins. How horrible must I be if my own husband, the father of my children had never been able to love me?
I begged Todd to stay with me. I tried to convince him—and myself—that I could become a person he would love. He responded as if I were crazy to have believed our marriage and his love were ever genuine, and he made it clear that me thinking so was simply an indicator of how out of touch I was with reality. He insisted that any sane person would have recognized our marriage as a sham from the start.
It took only a couple of days for the grief and shame to transform into white hot rage. I realized that if he had never loved me and had only married me out of a sense of duty, he had been lying to me our entire marriage. I wondered what kind of person lies about such a thing. How could he take wedding vows and deliberately conceive children all while lying about something as fundamental as love?
After weeks of desperately trying to make some sense out of it, I concluded that I had never really known him at all. He had to be sociopathic or just plain evil to lie about something so basic and to do it so convincingly. I lost all trust in my ability to distinguish safe people from unsafe and wondered if I would ever be able to give my heart to another person.
In time, I healed – mostly. Eventually I came to not only accept the divorce, but to be grateful for it. I was glad that Todd had the courage to put a dying marriage out of our misery. I eventually found love again in my husband Pete. Still, it seemed that no amount of time or love could heal that raw corner of my heart that still remembered those five horrible words: “I never really loved you.”
♦◊♦
About a year ago, I stumbled across a study by sociologist Joseph Hopper that made sense of that entire dark chapter of my life. He identified a distinctive pattern in the stories that people tell themselves, their spouses, and other people during a divorce. What Hooper observed was that a spouse who initiates divorce creates a narrative in which the marriage was never valid to begin with, while the “dumpee” spouses copes by holding the initiator responsible for the deception that ultimately doomed the marriage. From both perspectives, those narratives serve to protect the institution of marriage from being maligned or abandoned, since a marriage that can be cognitively annulled doesn’t count toward one’s opinion of marriage in general.
In the narrative constructed by the divorce initiator, the marriage was flawed from the beginning in a way which makes it invalid. In constructing what Hopper calls the narrative of the “marriage that never was”, individuals begin by focusing on the negative aspects of the relationship to the exclusion of anything positive. This negative frame is then applied to memories of the relationship going back to its inception. This negative rewriting of history causes them to see the marriage not as something that was once good but now is broken, but something so flawed at its beginning as to have never been a real marriage at all. This cognitive annulment frames the marriage as having been created under some delusion or falsehood which the initiator has just become aware of. The divorce is not just inevitable for this person; it is a requirement for correcting a serious error.
The initiator invariably shares his or her insight with the partner, and no matter how gently phrased, the pronouncement that one’s marriage has been a sham is painful to hear. The dumpee reacts by taking a reflexive oppositional role. They will almost always oppose the divorce even if they were convinced moments before that the marriage was terminally troubled. Initiators are generally convinced that divorce is the “obvious, natural, fated and logical outcome of the past” and so are baffled when non-initiators offer resistance. This opposition seems to be either an inability to come to grips with reality (craziness) or vindictive obstinacy.
Once the non-initiators come to understand that divorce is inevitable, they are faced with same task as initiators: they must construct narratives which justify ending their marriage without calling into question the cultural ideal of marriage. Therefore most non-initiators construct a narrative in which a valid marriage was rendered invalid by the deception of the initiating spouse. With this narrative, which Hopper calls “the Big Lie”, non-initiators account for why they did not initiate divorce themselves if it was as irretrievably broken, as they claim, or fraudulent all along as their partner claims.
♦◊♦
Hopper concludes that the need to construct narratives which dissolve a marriage without maligning the entire institution of marriage sets in motion a course of events which makes conflict almost inevitable. His idea is that if we hope to reduce the conflict of divorce, particularly for the sake of children, we should reconsider how sacred we hold marriage.
I find it ironic that the reason some divorces are so contentious and painful is because our society still considers marriage sacred. No matter what the moral nags of our age would have us believe, the value of marriage in our society is not dramatically decreasing. Even for secular people who do not see it as a covenant with spiritual implications, it is still sacred in that it has great cultural and symbolic importance and is generally considered inviolable. Most people, even those who are in horrible marriages, still believe in the institution and believe that marriage should be for life. Therefore, a person ending the marriage must be able to tell him or herself a story in which his or her marriage is no longer viable, without calling into doubt the validity or viability of the institution of marriage.
As I read this study, I wished these coping patterns were as familiar as more well-worn varieties like denial and projection, so at least my therapist or divorce lawyer could have warned me. It would have been easier had someone said to me, “Yep, you are right on schedule. And here is what you should expect next. But first let me tell you how this ends.”
So let me tell you how this ends. Divorce is a process, and as we go through that process, the stories that we tell ourselves and others change. They change because feelings abate and because divorce is nothing if not a hideously painful growth opportunity. And they change because eventually both parties come to the realization that how the marriage looks when you are in the process of divorcing is not 20/20 hindsight and it does not tell the truth about your marriage as a whole.
As it turns out, those Five Awful Words were not about me, and they were not reflective of the truth of my marriage with Todd. They were nothing more than the first steps of a dance that most divorcing couples do.
Photo: Flickr/ joshwept
My husband and his ex. She was a rebound. He never loved her. She told him she couldn’t have children and it was medically impossible. 4 months later she was pregnant he wanted her to abort but she wouldn’t , she’s not pro-life she just wanted him . He was in his mid 20s she was just over 30. She lived him he never had and he was honest that he was not looking to settle with her and to be with her long term. She demanded they’re together or she would take the child away. He had no choice… Read more »
I think when people say “I never loved you” I don’t think they mean no love at all was ever present; it seems they mean its more about the nature of that love, that is was never of the sort necessary to become the foundation for a marriage. It is not a dichotomy between “love” or “no love”, but rather about the quality of that love. I dislike this article because it makes it seem that “I never loved you” could absolutely have never been the case – that it is always a cop out or a coping mechanism. This… Read more »
You mentioned that you didn”t “siffiemtly love” this person. By definition you had love for them just not siffiemtly enough to be married to them.
Darn auto correct must be messed up. 🙂 should read “sufficiently”
Please email me. I would like to speak with you.
I have been what they call “emotionally unavailable”, all my life. Getting together with a girl was more like an experiment. After several years we were close to calling it quits, when she found out that she was pregnant. We got married as in olden times and have been together for more than 30 years, with the usual ups and downs. I know the experience of “never in love”; the feeling simply does not exist for me. Maybe the choice to get married was wrong; maybe another girl could have woken up my emotions. Interestingly enough, all these self-help books… Read more »
The dumper, as they so have appointed themselves, is a coward. I don’t believe my ex never loved me or was never in love. I think its rationalizing what they are doing or are about to do . They know they are not loving as much as they could because of personal unresolved issues that will crop up and get in the way of the next relationship or staying because of fears of being alone. It depends on the situation. If you feel trapped and like something is wrong, its because your partner doesnt know how to be humane and… Read more »
I just was told by my now Ex husband that he NEVER LOVED ME. We are Divorced now. I was so hurt by these words i lost 40 pounds. I still hurt and yes I have found love again, i just have this problem with believing that love is forever. I will never marry again. how can you marry someone and live – sleep with them for 16years. and never love them. Closer i never got and i never let him see me now that i have lost all this weight. Pain and hurt i still feel and i do… Read more »
Excellent article. Another well written piece with a fresh perspective from this website. Thanks for sharing this. We need these articles that apply research, personal experience, and opinion. Thanks again.
I was happy to read your last couple of sentences…your divorce wasn’t about you, nor your marriage. And although I agree that people who initiate divorce conjure up false ideas of the marriage in order to leave (I too have been on the receiving end of that experience) I find it odd that the researcher failed to identify the actual cause…the reason why one would conjure up the lie. Here’s what I have come to know. A marriage will survive if both have a strong desire to make the relationship work and will do ANYTHING to keep the relationship alive… Read more »
I forgot a big one… 4. Unconditional love, acceptance and patience. One of the most loving things you can ever do for yourself and your partner is to extend unconditional love, acceptance and patience. We are all flawed. We all have baggage that gets in the way of relationships. We all get emotionally triggered, making it difficult to communicate effectively. And when we are at our worse the most incredible gift I have ever received is unconditional love, acceptance and patience. That’s the kind of love that says… “it’s ok that you’re flawed. i see you doing your best. I’m… Read more »
hey sunny…kiddo, you have no life experience on divorce or understanding of spit custody with children. Please do not tell Neal that him having his children for 50 percent of the time is a cop out. It is probably due to legal issues. Furthermore, romantic love is not a construction of media, rather, manipulation of ideals. And romantic love is a perfectly legitimate reason for many people to have a family. Also, you talk about marrying for right or wrong reasons, many people marry for the right reasons and it still doesn’t work out. Sorry, but life is not a… Read more »
Cultural ideals are artificial burdens, for sure.
Someone once said that love is not a feeling but, a decision. If your spouse loves you based on conditions (i. e.) Conditional love he never loved you. Let him leave. If people want to walk out of your life, I say let them walk. If you were rich, famous, gorgeous etc. They would be oh so “in love”. But, marry the person who will be with you (and you know for a fact) when you are going through hard times or a storm. I can tell you from experience that not many people will be there for you and… Read more »
WoW…i don’t know whether i am an adult or not, i’m only 24, but i always thought they were supposed to be mature and wise.. This article strikes me as proof that people don’t really grow up, and a 50 year old commenting on this article is no more mature than me,i might have a better understanding than most grown ups.. The only grown up response is from THANDA.. It all boils down to how marriage is constructed in our society and media. Marriage was, in every society,created to guarantee paternity to males as the question of paternity is suspect… Read more »
You think you’re mature? That’s laughable. Romantic love is a made up social construct? The idea that you’ll breed is frightening. I would suggest you study some more before you start talking about how mature you are. The primal attraction humans feel towards one another (romantic love) and the drive to stay together until the child is on its feet, about 2 to 7 years, is a quantitive reaction that’s been explained in enough science and medical papers that you should be able to Google it. I suggest you do. It takes love and compassion to live with a person… Read more »
Wow, so self-righteous for one so young and inexperienced. Do yourself a favour and don’t marry. Marriage can be the most challenging and rewarding thing you will ever do, but it is so naive to think that relationships can’t come to a natural end. Divorce is a perfectly reasonable social construct, as is marriage and is done for a variety of reasons. I have heard this pattern described in the article many times and when my own marriage was perilously close to divorce, I started thinking the same thing. I think it’s probably part of the grieving process. The minute… Read more »
I think you are absolutely right in the point that raising children requires a great deal of maturity and that being a conscious parent definitely helps you grow and evolve as a person. It certainly has done that for me. Having kids has made me a better person, overall. And if I’m hearing you correctly, it sounds like being a good parent is really important to you and not something you’ll take lightly. Good for you! I wish everyone would be conscious when deciding to bring a life into this world. Just a note about romantic love. Romantic love…if my… Read more »
Sunny, Congratulations, you have correctly figured out that “adults” of any age are not all knowing, wise, perfectly rational, nor do they have it all figured out by any means. Remembering this and using this knowledge wisely will serve you well in the future when listening to advice, making your own choices, and working with anybody on any project be it personal/family, work/business, religion/spiritually, health (especially your own), science, government/politics etc. The rest of your comment including your knowledge of love, relationships, social constructs, parenting, and life in general show well your 24 years on this planet and the misplaced… Read more »
WOW! This article hit me so hard between the eyes because it is EXACTLY what my ex said to me leading up to our divorce, my second her first. What makes me hopeful is that, unlike my first divorce where I blamed her, I took the shock of my second exes angle on things to do some serious soul searching and take inventory of what I did to contribute to the ending of my marriage. This led to my realizing the role I played in the first one as well. And, even though it was not enough to convince my… Read more »
I love this article it’s moving well-written truthful and takes the reader on a journey. I love the way the author was able to Express narratives that we all tell ourselves. And the stories we tell ourselves to get out of something. The marriage story is much like the false self that children develop when they are young to protect themselves from the pain of their childhood. And yes divorce can be devastating and it’s hard when we choose the wrong person that either didn’t love us enough or we didn’t love them enough. If that happens it’s very important… Read more »
Coincidently, my marriage also ended with those words. We were married for six years and it was not in my plans to get divorced – I don’t think he imagined it either. We tried several counseling sessions, tried some time apart, went to church and joined a marriage group, ignored the problems. You name it, we tried it. Close to our seven year anniversary, I asked him if I was just wasting my time and whether I should reconsider my options and he said that the only reason we married was because he felt he was getting too old and… Read more »
I think there is something in the “pain “analysis left out here but otherwise good article. I wouldn’t agree that the biggest reason divorce is so painful is because our society considers marriage sacred. I think that is true but a bigger reason is more internal to the individuals, not just because of internalizing societal values. Our society values free choice in marriage as opposed to some cultures who arrange marriage so yes we do consider it a safer bond and we feel that it is this way for a reason. On a more individual and theoretical view it is… Read more »
i’m actually going through this with a sibling. i realized at some point that i didn’t have any more to contribute to the relationship, and my maximum contribution wasn’t enough for the other sibling, who has been diagnosed with a terrible disease, depression, and codependency. I tried to express this, but any time I couldn’t step up this person took it to mean that I hated them. Which only leads me to conclude that they hate me, (otherwise they would be more tolerant of my failures, no?) so I’ve remembered back and I honestly can’t think of a time that… Read more »
In the year 2014, humans are finding another narrative that serves us better or mote appropriately for the age. we’re in..
“I never loved you” is an old cliché that people say when they’re breaking up sometimes. Didn’t you see “Harry Met Sally?” Same story. Don’t put too credence in those words. I’m sure there must have been occasions when you husband showed love to you. I can’t take it all back with those hateful words.
I think this also applies to long-term relationships in general, not just the institution of marriage. It’s this need for the initiator to make it feel like a foregone conclusion and confident when they really aren’t. Why can’t we just accept that feelings and situations can change without invalidating what came before?
@Karl, “…especially, if they say it as a Catholic and by doing so, imply that it is a vow for a lifetime.” Are implying that Catholics somehow have a monopoly on a “vow for a lifetime?” Frankly, I would have thought the exact opposite coming from one of the most, if not THE most, corrupt institutions in human history. Have you forgotten about the Catholic Church’s Nazi past, support for slavery, confessions for a fee (indulgences), child sexual abuse,….? I want mention the mafia and its Italian/Catholic roots! Please get off your Catholic high horse. You need to repent and… Read more »
Nice article. From a Catholic perspective I see things in a different light, but marriage is intentionally being destroyed by choice, on many levels. This way societal change is much more easily engineered. You are seeing that now and it will accelerate. Things will get much, much worse. That is the plan. Ultimately, though, it is the choice of the individual to mean what they say, when they say, I do; especially, if they say it as a Catholic and by doing so, imply that it is a vow for a lifetime. When I said, I do. I meant it,… Read more »
I would like to offer the thought that the problem with most marriages is love. Not that there isn’t enough of it but that perhaps we make too much of it. I believe people expect too much of their marriages. More, perhaps, than we really should. My brother has come back after being away for a while and I couldn’t wait to see him and tell him about some of my plans (business and otherwise). All the things I wanted to tell him I have already discussed with my wife but I know that I will get a totally different… Read more »
Ontario, you merely had with that ex bf the kind of man this culture makesd on a regular and normal basis. You as an individual wanted more emotional commitment but realistically your odds of finding one were drastically reduced by all the women and men who came before you. I don’t know how many times I’ve heard I want a manly man nonsense especially from women. What the heck is a that but listening to everybody in the marriage bed with you and your spouse/current mate. How manly is manly? To whose decision am I emotional enough or not? If… Read more »
Ontario, you merely had with that ex bf the kind of man this culture makes on a regular and normal basis. You as an individual wanted more emotional commitment but realistically your odds of finding one were drastically reduced by all the women and men who came before you. I don’t know how many times I’ve heard I want a manly man nonsense especially from women. What the heck is a that but listening to everybody in the marriage bed with you and your spouse/current mate. How manly is manly? To whose decision am I emotional enough or not? If… Read more »
I have an ex bf who was emotionally void and after two years I just couldn’t live with that anymore, so I left. While he showed me in his actions that he loved me, he couldn’t connect emotionally at all. Every time I told him I loved him, he looked like he wanted to crawl out of his skin. This of course eventually lead to me not telling him I loved him because I knew how uncomfortable that made him and his reaction made me uncomfortable. I couldn’t be myself around him as a result. He told me 5 years… Read more »
@Ontario Woman,
“The really odd things is, she told him that five years in and they didn’t have any children at that point……”
At least she told him instead of pretending. He could then make up his mind if he wanted to stay. Kind of dumb to stay if you ask me.
I enjoyed reading this. While I think some aspects are certainly true and I have a deep respect for research based on sound methodology I have to say sometimes people do get married out of a sense of responsibility. Being “in love” certainly is a state of mind. I would say that most of the time I am “in love” with my husband but sometimes I want to kick his face in. He can be self-centered, inpatient, and far too macho, but he can also be loving, sweet. talkative, and tender. We have been together almost 8 years. Most of… Read more »