Listen up fellas! I have some relationship advice for you. Now don’t look at me like that, I know you’re a good guy. You work hard to provide for your family and you love your girl, I’m not disputing that…but are you paying close enough attention to her?
Remember back when you guys first started dating, and you literally couldn’t get enough of her? You touched her at every opportunity you got, no matter where you were or who was around? You often knew what she wanted before she even had to ask, because back then, you had the time and the focus to give to her.
Then life happened…years passed. Maybe you got married and had a few kids and suddenly all that touching isn’t on the front of your mind anymore and it’s harder to read the signs she’s letting off. You’re busy. You’re tired. You’re working and raising kids, it’s exhausting. You still touch, but now it’s infrequent because you’re being tugged in a thousand different directions.
Chemistry and passion are the easy parts of a relationship; those are things that come naturally.
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But I’ll let you in on a little known secret…every once in a while, she needs that. She needs you to love her like you did back then. She needs you to look at her and touch her every chance you get — subtle touches here and stolen kisses there, even if other people are around — and not because she wants you to but because you want to too. She knows the difference, she can feel it.
Women aren’t the difficult creatures that the media would have you believe. We try to express ourselves and it’s usually very easy to understand but you need to be paying attention, and you need to listen with an open mind. Don’t mansplain, and don’t try and pass off her emotions as “PMS”. You need to understand that often, when she feels ignored or unwanted, you’ve gotta get off your ass and show her she’s still important to you, that you still want her. A little reassurance goes a long way. It’s not a reflection of you, it’s just that life is hard and sometimes, it gets you down. Sometimes, it makes you feel insecure and sometimes, you just need your partner to hold you up through the storm.
But ladies — you are not innocent here either. Back when you first got together with your man, you were patient with him. You explained things to him and didn’t expect him to just be able to read your mind. Yes, you’ve been together for a long time now, and while he should know and be able to read the majority of your quirks, if you’re letting off confusing signals, he’s going to get confused. Nobody can read minds, nobody can anticipate your needs if you don’t communicate them effectively. Simply thinking them isn’t communicating them effectively, now is it?
Love is a two way street. Chemistry and passion are the easy parts of a relationship; those are things that come naturally. Owning up to your mistakes and communicating your needs, those are the hard parts of a relationship — the parts that a lot of people struggle with. You need to be able to open your eyes wider and see past your own hurt. You’ve got to be able to put yourself into your spouse’s shoes.
The thing is…nothing will ever be completely fair. You can never split responsibilities 50/50, so you can’t get mad at each other for “doing less” than the other. Trying to keep a running tally of who does what and who gets what is the most damaging thing you can do to your relationship.
Let’s pretend for a moment that you’re the stay-at-home parent and your spouse is the breadwinner. Your spouse is out of the house more often than not. They work anywhere from 40 to 60 hours a week. You are the one dealing with the kids and running the errands and paying the bills. When your spouse comes home after a day of work, they want to just decompress a bit before the demands of home life kick in. You don’t think it’s fair because you’ve been with the kids all day and you need a break.
I think the problem with [most] relationships today is that everyone has to be right.
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But he thinks it’s unfair that you’re mad about him wanting to unwind a little because you’ve been home all day. You haven’t had to deal with the demands of a difficult job or a boss or co-workers. As far as he’s concerned, you have it golden because you’re able to go to the bathroom whenever nature calls. You also got to go on a ton of fun adventures with the kids while he was stuck at work.
It doesn’t really matter who’s had the harder day, because both of your days had elements of hardship in it, and you both kind of need each other to make that better.
A lot of relationships end because people simply couldn’t put their own hurt aside and put themselves in their spouse’s shoes. They had to be right; and that was more important than basic empathy and compassion for their partner. Nobody likes to be wrong, I know I certainly don’t. I venomously hate being wrong and I have an incredibly difficult time apologizing. But I’ve found when I swallow my own pride and acknowledge the fact that I’ve done wrong…it changes the entire way of the game. It puts me in his shoes, and it helps me realize that he’s hurting too. Low and behold, the fighting ceases because your mood and your aura affects your partner.
I think the problem with [most] relationships today is that everyone has to be right. That’s the most important thing in their mind; winning the argument. But even if you win the argument, you’re not winning the battle because you’re not acknowledging your partner’s needs. That’s a long term loss for both of you, and when relationships fail the number one reasons are a lack of communication, compassion, and empathy. You can’t communicate when your mind is wired for war, you can’t be compassionate and empathetic when you’re focus on being right, so you need to stop treating your partner like the enemy, no matter how stressed out you are.
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Photo Credit: Sarcastica.ca
This post was originally featured on Sarcastica.
J.C. is also extremely sarcastic, but nevertheless still wants you to follow her online.
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Is that what you want? Well, I want you to make me a sammich.
Seriously, JC, I’ll make my own sammich. But thanks so much for offering. And we’ll be looking at your blog real soon.