Scarlett Harris questions what the term “Man up” really means and wonders why society forces it upon so many men.
“Man up, mate.” “Don’t be a pussy.” “Grow some balls.”
How many times have we heard these phrases—hell, sometimes we’ve been the ones dishing them out—aimed at the men we know and love?
I’ve been guilty of it myself, when a male friend cries to me on the phone about a failed relationship or bemoans a difficult co-worker/friend/family member and won’t just confront them about the problem. I don’t always say, “Just man up and do something about it!” Sometimes I just think it, which still isn’t ideal.
A recent spate of shows in the U.S. are cottoning on to this “masculinity” crisis, where men use “pomegranate body wash” and are at the mercy of the women in their lives:
Among them are How to be a Gentleman, in which a metrosexual writer hires a trainer to dewussify him; Last Man Standing, with Tim Allen as a sporting-goods-company executive beset by girly men; Man Up, in which a group of male friends worry they’ve lost touch with their inner warriors; and Work It, in which two guys dress in drag to land jobs as pharmaceutical reps.
This is nothing new, though. Scholars have long been lamenting “The War Against Boys”, which is also the title of Christina Hoff Sommers’ book on the topic.
But when we/society tell men to “stop being such sissies,” we’re sending the message that anything associated with “femaleness… [is] so insulting that men should react with full outrage,” Jill Filipovic writes on Feministe.
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So how are these messages affecting actual men, not just those on fictional American TV shows?
When I asked a couple of my guy friends how they feel when told to “man up,” they replied as follows.
Eddie, 25, says because he “still does kiddy stuff like collect comics, people tend to think one of my faults is being a pushover. I also tend to be pretty open with my emotions. I can’t tell you the true meaning of ‘man up’, because everyone carries different reasons as to what makes someone a ‘man’. I, myself, will not ‘man up’ because I don’t think I need to and haven’t for a long time.”
Andrew, also 25, says, “I think there are men and women who, no doubt, find ‘man up’ offensive, because there are plenty of women who embody courage, fortitude and strength more than plenty of men. By the same token I think there are plenty of men who would find being told to ‘man up’ harrowing, because they lack confidence in their masculinity or cannot even define what the term means to them.”
As I wrote on my own blog, The Early Bird Catches the Worm, earlier in the year, I have a real problem with the term “as it implies that simply being a man is equivalent to being courageous.” I, like Andrew, know a lot of women with more “balls” than their sack-packing counterparts. But talking about the role-reversal of women who possess “courage, fortitude and strength” as if they are purely masculine traits is damaging, too. We need to get over this gender stereotyping business and accept individuals for who they are, regardless of gender. (This way of thinking applies to the understanding of transgender people, too.)
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We also need to get rid of this “disconcerting… focus on dominance and submission” in gender relations. On the other side of the coin, “stop being such a girl” comes to mind.
Hugo Schwyzer recently bemoaned the “real women” trope and how that has now been transferred onto men:
Men are not immune from the pressure to be ‘real’. It’s been nearly 30 years since the tongue-in-cheek bestseller Real Men Don’t Eat Quiche spoofed an earlier generation’s Guy Code. But today, the ‘real men’ trope is everywhere. ‘Real Men Don’t Buy Girls’ is Ashton and Demi’s campaign to shame pedophiles, replete with the unspoken implication that ‘real men’ never have to pay for sex with women of any age …
When I ask my students at the beginning of my Men & Masculinity course about ‘real men’, I get responses like, ‘real men aren’t afraid to show affection,’ or ‘real men like to dance,’ or ‘real men can cry in public and not care what anyone else thinks.’ My students want to subvert the traditional ‘sturdy oak’ model of masculinity. They mean well. But all they’re doing is swapping one unattainable ideal for another. Just as ‘real women have curves’ delegitimises countless slim women, ‘real men aren’t afraid to cry’ shames those men who for any number of reasons are awkward about public displays of emotion. The contemporary ‘real man’ ideal presents itself as inclusive, but it’s just another cultural straightjacket.
So what is a “real man” according to… erm… real men?
Eddie thinks there’s a difference between being a “good man” and a “real man”:
“‘Man up’, for me, means being the best man you can be. Being selfless, being kind, being adult enough to handle responsibility while never taking yourself too seriously.”
While those traits may be what Eddie views as “good man qualities”, for the next guy they could be polar opposites. Being a good man is in the eye of the beholder, it would seem.
For me, respecting people and, especially, your significant other is paramount to “manning up” (or “human[ning] up”, as Irin Carmon puts it): being able to exert your opinion and standing up for what you believe in without the use of violence.
As Filipovic continues: “There is something very, very wrong with a masculinity premised on violence.” Where are men getting these messages that violence and aggression = machismo? (Um, years of socialization and the media come to mind…)
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For the founders of The Man Up Campaign, a “global initiative that engages youth to stop gender-based violence”, this ideal seems to be the consensus. “‘Our call to action challenges each of us to “man up” and declare that violence against women and girls must end,’ its mission statement reads.”
As recent as 50, 20, even ten years ago, being a “man” involved a large portion of physical aggression. And, despite feminism’s and gender equality’s best efforts, a look at many mainstream representations of men in the media, that stereotype still rings true today.
But if we can, through initiatives such as The Man Up Campaign, make it so that being called a “pussy”, like being called “gay,” is nothing to be ashamed of, even just for one person, then I think it’s a job well done.
After all, pussies push small humans out of them so they can’t be all that weak!
—Photo bsteve76/Flickr
bobbt. Problem with do the right thing is it might involve…danger, loss, discomfort, pain. So, to do the right thing, you might want to think about “man up”. If nobody mans up, nobody does what needs to be done. Sometimes I think people who talk like this think those who man up as a regular thing–cops, soldiers, firefighters, the citizen who steps in–are a lesser breed who will always be around to take care of us once we’ve divested ourselves of paleolithic notions of “manning up” and so forth. If you follow Kipling, see his poem “Sons of Martha”. Those… Read more »
R.A., your absolutely right. “doing the Right Thing” (Or ‘Manning Up’) can sometimes be, painful, dangerous, or potentially fatal. It’s been ingrained in me since I can remember by my father(who I greatly respected) “you watch out for the women” in your life. In the immortal words of that great 20th century philospher Popeye the Sailor “I am what I am and that’s all that I am”. Even if a “whiney Femenistia” like Ms. Harris was in distress and I was nearby, I would “Man Up” and step in and do what needed to be done. Ihave personally seen the… Read more »
so wait… being told to Man Up is wrong and sexist… unless it’s for a feminist purpose? Then everything is hunky-dory? Is that the take away here?
“Man Up” has many definitions which are based on what people individually want from men.
I have a problem with the term because it’s sometimes used to box men into a role the person in question wants them to be in.
From a social activism point, i think, “man-up” really translates to show others your most basic human decency/courtesy, as in The Man Up Campaign; treating people with respect and behaving in non-violent ways towards all peoples are all part of BASIC human courtesy…otherwise consider oneself sub-human! Man – up to me is just a marketing tactic for a call to action to treat others KINDLY. It’s good that we have these types of campaigns, but they also tell a sad truth of the “strong” preying on the weak. And as a society and globally, we are constantly trying to achieve… Read more »
I think that’s a really hopeful definition of “Manning up” but the truth is that many feel it is a way of keeping men from feeling a diversity of emotions.
It’s important that we hear men saying that a term like this is damaging or hurtful, and to respect their voices in this.
What other words can be substituted for “Man-Up”, which would still speak to men, as a call for action, but in a respectful way? Suggestions?
“Real men don’t buy girls” – is ‘real men” a better substitute here? So in the Man Up Campaign, perhaps if it was called the Real Man Campaign – this would be more respectful to the male target? Man-up has a call to action connotation to it, I think that’s why the campaign was called that. Maybe Real Men Don’t Abuse???
I’m not sure the distinction of “real” is great either. But I do think it’s better than “man up”. I wonder if there’s a more solutions-based call to action. I really don’t know, I’m not trying to be evocative. I think a bit more gender-neutral would be better, even, with pictures aiming at different target demos. Women abuse children, as do men, and if we’re going to deal with abuse we should probably deal with all abuse since the solutions of teaching people to cope with anger and other “bad” feelings are probably similar solutions. Breaking cycles of abuse, teaching… Read more »
Yes, I understand that we live in politically correct times…so everything we say must be framed in a sensitive manner to protect the feelings of others. However, it is obvious that in many parts of the world today, women still do not have basic human rights and are brained-washed to subjugate to all men. These women live in a culture where if they burned a pot of rice, that gives their husbands a reason and right to beat them and these poor women believe they deserve that. Men over there believe they are entitled and that they are to be… Read more »
Who tells the women who are beaten by their husbands to just “woman” up and get over it? That’s absurd isn’t it? Does anyone think it’s hilariously funny?
How about “Just do the right thing”. O.K., I’ll admit that was stolen ffom a marketing slogan (Nikes’ ‘Just Do It’) . The point is, I feel that each if us,all of us, regardless of gender, has a responsibilty to watch out for others and to step up and lend a hand, if possible. Not just in a physical sence. Example 1) we’re a a street and a rather “aggressive” panhandler, seeing you’re perhaps physical small stature, is giving you a hard time. I, being of larger physical stature, step between the two of you and send him on his… Read more »
It seems to me, there are many people who see kindness as a weakness, so they are steadfast and stingy with showing any signs of kindness or human decency. Every slight action of kindness, in their eyes, is seen as taking advantage of them, and creating feelings of being over stretched and over-extended – so they much prefer to avoid these feelings altogether. These are the people who live by this rule/saying: “I Can Only Please One Person Per Day – Today Is Not Your Day – Tomorrow Isn’t Looking Too Good Either!”
Society has been harsh toward any men OR women who tried to break the mold of gender expectations, but the initial feminist movement was largely successful in legitimating women’s freedom to make choices about their lives that didn’t necessarily fit the old expectations. Yes, there is still some judgment (again, from all quarters) but at least the issue is up for discussion. Men have not yet experienced that renaissance. When men try to shrug off their traditional provider/protector role and explore other possibilities–other directions in life that might be more personally fulfilling or just appealing–society’s reaction remains predictably harsh and… Read more »
“man-up” is sexist manipulation. The term “gender based violence” is just sexist.
IMO, the reason for the gender reference in “man up” is that when tough things need to be done, things promising risk, danger, discomfort, loss of job, anger of family members or neighbors, and so forth, we want somebody to do them; men. IOW, they must accept the difficult and unpleasant baggage the action inevitably brings with it.
A man who does not man up as necessary is reproached. While many women man up and are admired, those who do not are less likely to be reproached. It’s a requirement for men and an option for women.
R.A., you hit it dead center on the head! To me “Man Up” means to; 1) see the challenge, 2) face the challange, 3) rise to the challange. You’re right though. For women , it’s optional. After all , inthe Rudyard Kipling poem ‘Charge of the Light Brigade’ (Which , by the way, is based on his witnessing an actual event) it was 600 MEN who charged “into the valley of death/into the jaws of hell”. That’s the best example of “Manning Up” I’ve heard to date.
From the Urban Dictionary:
1. Man Up
Don’t be a pussy, brave it, be daring.
“Hey man, finish this bowl.”
“No dude, I’m baked as it is.”
“Come on pussy, man up.”
Who can take exception to that?
It’s an EO expression. I tell women to “man up” all of the time. I think we all know what it means: suck it up, stop being emotional, and do what you need to do. Sometimes–particularly in emergencies–it’s vital for both men and women to “man up.” I don’t think the expression is either vague or ambiguous in common parlance. Is deconstructing this colloquialism really worthy of an article? (Rhetorical question.)
Women have more flexibility to self identify with what ever level of aggression or passivity they see fit. Their femininity thus their humanity is not on constant trial. It can’t be taken away from them. It’s theirs and theirs alone. Masculinity is the act of suppressing all insecurities so that one may project the illusion of dominance for the satisfaction & Protection of others. Masculinity is the at this point is 100% external validation. Bare in mind we don’t just call men who fail “girls”, we call them variants subhuman female animals & female genitalia. While “Man Up” might be… Read more »
I have been doing karate for 3.5 years…I am the only female in a crowd of men and boys….I see what truncated humans men are when the only negative emotion that they are allowed to display in public is anger…I stay on in karate not only because it toughens me and helps me to get over my panic attacks (I started karate because I was stalked by an ex 3.5 years ago), but because I feel I am the safe outlet for the fears, hurt, and uncertainty of the men around me…I also happen to be a medical professional so… Read more »
The problem is that Men are not allowed to be submissive.
If you want your culture to survive, then raise a dominant boy. If you want grand children, raise a dominate boy, If you want protection from Man’s desires to dominate other men then raise a dominant boy.
The options are be a Man or die alone.
I don’t think society as a whole will ever let go of its contempt for hapless submissive men.
Actually in real terms men are actually required to submit to our obligations and to more dominant males (and the needs of women) but we’re not supposed to be seen to be submissive. To put it another way society stereotypes men as “dominant” on the basis of alpha males and conveniently ignores the majority of men who are in actuality submitting but because this doesn’t fit the stereotype it is ignored. In other words the general is seen as an example of male dominance and the grunts are also percieved as representative of dominance, completely overlooking the submissive nature of… Read more »
Let me explain my above comment. According to the Longman Dictionary of Contemporary English, fourth edition, political correctness refers to language, behaviour and attitudes that are carefully chosen so that they do not offend or insult anyone. The term “man up” refers to act in a masculine way especially taking responsibility or making tough decisions. In the context of the OP, the author is asking the readers to take responsibility of the safety of women. Manning up is a demand made on him for the benefit of women. The assertion that political correctness was linked to Marxist philosopher Herbert Marcuse… Read more »
The above comment is directed to “This Man”
Ah ok, I get you now.
A form of political correctness.
Personally I stopped caring about this sort of stuff after I was told that sewing your own ghillie suit and adding Aramid fabric to your gear and clothes is gay.
Interesting fashion tip! Thank You P^)
“Man up” is simply a politically correct term for telling men that they should do what women ask them to do.
Can you show men the link between “man up” and cultural marxism?
edit – “Can you show ME A link between “man up” and cultural marxism?
While I have certainly heard a few women tell men to “man up” (and I apologise if this piece comes off as overly women-wanting-men-to-do-what-we-ask), I’ve heard it far more from men to other men.
Well this term was mostly used by men for other men, but recently this term has been hijacked by people of certain ideological group to tell men to put the interest of women above their own. Especially this term has been used in media for asking so-called man-boys to get married.
There’s no real concern there from the others here about how this propagandist has appropriated and misrepresented Cristine Hoff Sommers for her thinly veiled advocacy for her political dressed up as concern for men.
This place is under constant attack from these intellectually dishonest manipulators and its derailing and stopping authentic conversations between men, about men from developing. They just want to use the publication as a means to serve their own agenda.
Okay, we get it: You have a thing for Christina Hoff Sommers!
But let me clarify: I love the Good Men Project and think it’s a valuable resource for both men and women to come to. I am honoured to have my work featured on here and in no way am I trying to “intellectually” and “dishonestly” manipulate anyone. I’m sorry if that’s how my piece came across to you, but each to their own. Thanks to everyone for weighing in on the topic.
“Okay, we get it: You have a thing for Christina Hoff Sommers! But let me clarify: I love the Good Men Project and think it’s a valuable resource for both men and women to come to. I am honoured to have my work featured on here and in no way am I trying to “intellectually” and “dishonestly” manipulate anyone. I’m sorry if that’s how my piece came across to you, but each to their own. Thanks to everyone for weighing in on the topic.” More intellectually dishonesty. She didn’t address the misrepresenting of the content of Christina Hoff Sommers book… Read more »
I wrote: “Scholars have long been lamenting ‘The War Against Boys’, which is also the title of Christina Hoff Sommers’ book on the topic.”
I fail to see how this is me leading anyone to believe anything about the book other than what it’s titled.
Well i will explain why people here are on edge. A lot of us here have been misled or ignored by feminists some recently others over many many years . There have been a large amount of times of which legit criticism of feminism, which was well reasoned well researched which have been dismissed without question or ignored. Often times the person making the criticism has over 10 or 20 years of experience and extensive knowledge of the specific area they are critical of. Most of the time feminists will just assume they know everything and are correct or assume… Read more »
Leta, I definitely see what you’re saying here, and I apologise if my article made you feel lectured or preached to. I certainly don’t claim to know everything about feminism, and I personally try to steer clear of those who do. This article was originally written with a feminist audience in mind, so that’s why I used some quotes on the topic from feminists. My personal feminism is one that you mention towards the end of your comment: one that tries to take into account a “less gendered” view of equality. I believe men and women should be treated equally.… Read more »
But when we/society tell men to “stop being such sissies,” we’re sending the message that anything associated with “femaleness… [is] so insulting that men should react with full outrage,” Jill Filipovic writes on Feministe. However the problem isn’t always association with femaleness. Sure that sounds nice when trying to link everything bad that’s ever happened to a distaste/disgust/hatred of femaleness/womanhood. But that’s not the heart of the matter. Simply put when telling men to “stop being such sissies” people are also telling them that there is only one acceptable path for men to take. And by path I mean that… Read more »
Has anyone read the Genderarratic article entitled “The New Machismo: Men Can Stop (Insert Horrible Thing)”
http://www.genderratic.com/?p=449
The real me has a problem with being told to “man up”, because quite frankly I am all the man I can be and need to be; I won’t be limited by what other people think I should be.
Sometimes, when I hear that phrase, I just want to punch the speaker in the head. But I don’t, because I don’t need to.
I find “Man Up” comical – it’s so One Dimensional!
“Man Out” is better – it works in all Three Dimensions! P^)
I find it bizzare that there is all discussion about Real Men and Good Men – and it keeps on being about men and how they treat women. As a GAY man it seems that for many either I can’t be Real Or Good – Or I’m a Woman in disguise. I have to say that when it comes to dealing with anyone’s emotions I don’t and won’t dismiss them out of hand. To do so is abuse. Every one has the right to their own feelings and emotions – whether such emotions have validity in the circumstances they are… Read more »
I have been known to say ” egg up” at times, but I’m difficult like that.
… I think I’ll have to borrow that one from now on.
“put on your big girl panties” may not be totally equivalent but it is close
My comment that is in moderation mentioned how the man up meme is similar to the white feather campaign of ww1.
I found it leta.
yes I can see how those two would go together – Man Up – Sign Up!
The Good Men Project moderators. The author of this piece is trying to deceive us, Christine Hoff Sommers “War Against Boys” is not about what the author is trying to lead us to believe it is.
“War Against Boys” is critical of gender / academic feminism gender war against masculinity, not for it as this lying feminist wants us to believe.
What “manning up” is really all about.
http://www.counter-currents.com/2012/01/fight-club-as-holy-writ/
“Man up” is as a female operated shaming tactic. A man is not “real” if he is not sacrificing his well-being for her. This article is just a slight variation of that system.
Feminism tries to say “real men” support their gynocentric political agenda in which women are always the more equal.
Er, I’ve heard more than a few men advise me to be more manly. No group is innocent of gender policing.
Peter
That’s irrelevant, it can be a gynocentric construct that men learn and partake in.
Like slut shaming – its a female construct, yet people of both gendered do it, although women do it more.
How about the “take one for the team”….. Usage seems very male biased……I very rarely heard it used to get a woman to “do the right thing”
Suppose it depends on the team/community. As a chick working in comedy, (all relating to women, from men and from women) I’ve heard “big girl panties, man up, don’t be a baby, vag up, man up, don’t be a pussy, kick some ass, let’s do this thing” and so forth. I don’t hear much of those terms at all in the higher ed world I work within at all.
“Take one for the team” is another good one however, like Julie, I don’t hear it much. As an Australian writer, the “grow some balls, mate” and “don’t be a pussy” are far more common, but I suppose it depends on the context. Thanks for your comment.
I made a comment but its in moderation….
So what happened to Letas comment?
Its appeared
It doesn’t seem to be a conspiracy to silence me just spam filters often have false positives.
This is slightly a joke, guys, but if it was a conspiracy, I’d delete everything I disagreed with ;). I don’t. If I see things in filter that abide by community standards, even if I don’t like it, I post it. So does Joanna. Not sure who else is modding right now, so I can’t speak for anyone but myself.
For the record, I have deleted a few comments that were name calling and/or direct attacks on the author, but no more than 3.
I had a comment removed that simply quoted someone and said “bingo!”.
Also I cannot post here under my other email address
I am not sure I get this article. Let me see if I follow. First it argues that “man up” is forced on many men and how it is unhelpful and damaging to both men and women. Both of the two men asked were at first negative to the term. Although Eddie first states that he won’t man up because he doesn’t need it and he haven’t done so in a long while. Later in the article he states that “man up” means to him to be the best man that he could be. Of course he may think that… Read more »
Can i just say from the outset quoting feminists or Hugo Schwyzer as if they are experts on men is kind of insulting. I know its kind of standard fare for feminists to think feminists have perfect knowledge about everything to do with gender but that is not true. ” when we/society tell men to “stop being such sissies,” we’re sending the message that anything associated with “femaleness… [is] so insulting that men should react with full outrage” Another feminist telling men, that even when women are telling men to man up, which could mean risking there lives or sacrificing… Read more »
Excellent point. I wasn’t sure if the author was compimenting or critcizing the Man Up Campaign, but it’s clearly sexist garbage that misses a real opportunity to do some good in fighting ALL forms of violence.
Talk about hitting the nail on the head, you are right on the money. Very accurate Ieta, spot on.
The more things change the more they stay the same.