Never to Be Sold Again

“Still, despite it all—the rape or abandonment or HIV—all the odds against these kids,” he held the steering wheel a little tighter, “there’s hope.”

“I was a rascal,” he said. His face was calm, and his eyes were steady. A mischievous, reminiscent smile grew. “And I’ve got the scars to prove it.” Several raised, purple marks ran along his visible veins. He pointed, “This one is from when I was fifteen.” He paused. His eyes stared blankly into his forearm as though his mind’s projection of his former self had turned his flesh into a film screen. Then, without guilt or despair or the tonal inflections of catharsis, “That was the first time I tried to kill myself.”

Ricky Tan stands about 5’8”, and at 54-years-old, carries his lean frame with the posture of an ex-athlete. His bronzed Malaysian skin makes him look even fitter, and he has one of those smiles that instantly puts people at ease. Ricky is a husband, a father, and a former heroin addict who now adopts and provides a safe haven for orphaned, underprivileged, and abused Thai children—including child sex slaves who have been infected with HIV. He was raised in what he calls a “strict Buddhist household” and later became “not a religious man, but a man with a personal relationship with Christ.” He’s a former high school dropout who, thanks to role models, mentors, and years spent pursuing both spiritual and formal education, became the founder of Care Corner Orphanage in Chiang Mai, Thailand.

As Ricky drove us to the orphanage I asked his thoughts on the nature of child sex slavery. “Look, children can be raped by Catholic priests, Buddhist monks, or by the guy next door. But, in my experience, it’s most often because of a breakdown in the family,” he said. “That’s usually first.” I’d studied this idea of family breakdown before and wanted to dig deeper, to get the details beyond Care Corner’s website and the short film from May 2011, by CNN’s Dan Rivers, “Fighting child sex slavery in Thailand.”

“Where do these kids come from?” I asked, and followed too quickly with “… and what’s their relationship with their parents? Do you know how or why the breakdowns occur?”

“Let’s back up a bit,” Ricky said, perhaps sensing that my questions were preformed. “See these beautiful mountains around us? Well, deep inside these mountains there are tribes that go back hundreds, probably thousands of years.” I’d visited four different tribes during a trek a few weeks prior, but I knew he was about to say something well beyond my superficial experience. “Know how some of the tribesmen get a wife?” he asked.

“Gosh, I have no idea.”

“If a man can kidnap a woman and hide her for three days she becomes his wife.” His statement hung cold in the tropical air. “Then, they’ll have eight or ten kids with the same woman, and then they move on, kidnap again, repeat the process.”

“If a man can kidnap a woman and hide her for three days she becomes his wife.” His statement hung cold in the tropical air. “Then, they’ll have eight or ten kids with the same woman, and then they move on, kidnap again, repeat the process. So now you have ‘mothers,’ if you can call them that, who are poor and living off the land to begin with, now with eight to ten mouths to feed.”

I looked hard into the mountains miles away and tried to imagine being a single parent, entirely dependent on the land, with a crying three-year-old child, ribs exposed, writhing in hunger on the dirt floor.

“Then you have foreigners coming in offering all sorts of good things. Some say they’re with such-and-such organization and that they’ll adopt a child for free and provide them with a great life. Others straight-up offer the mother $300 per child. It’s impossible to put a number on how many mothers knew where their child was going and how many were actually fooled. Safe to say it’s a mix. We have over 80 kids at Care Corner now, not all of them were sex slaves. Still, despite it all—the rape or abandonment or HIV—all the odds against these kids,” he held the steering wheel a little tighter, “there’s hope.”

♦◊♦

Patrick Cooper is a PhD candidate in Experimental Psychology with a concentration on children’s social development at Florida Atlantic University. I consulted with him regarding the nature of this form of intentional or unintentional parental neglect, particularly as it relates to neglect from the mother. I shared with Patrick what Ricky had told me during my visit, and I asked how some of these children may struggle developmentally as a result of their past traumas.

“I would argue that most of the children you’ve encountered have either an insecure or disorganized attachment,” Cooper began. “Attachment is an evolutionary-based theory developed by John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth in the mid 20th century. The basic premise is that children develop a specific type of bond with their mother that inevitably is a survival strategy. Children who form insecure attachment styles are at risk for maladjustment because they have a faulty strategy in developing human relationships, and human relationships are essential for human survival. The children who are at most risk are children that exhibit a disorganized attachment style. These children have no coping strategy. They don’t know whether to avoid mothers or seek comfort in mothers and therefore ‘freeze’ in situations where action is needed.”

“Because these kids have experienced many other forms of abuse,” I asked, “what might all this mean?”

“Coupled with the fact that they’ve been psychologically and physically abused (which is beyond my expertise), I would say that they might suffer an inability to develop human relationships (romantic relationships and friendships). In my opinion, this problem will supersede most other psychological problems (including extremely low self-esteem, depression, anxiety, etc.) because the other problems will all develop from their inability to develop critical relationships.”

♦◊♦

“So then what?” I asked Ricky. “The young child leaves with the foreigner; what happens from that point until they reach Care Corner?”

“Here we are,” he said. We pulled up to the Care Corner Orphanage gate. He asked me if I could get out and slide it open. I did and jumped back into the truck.

“Well, all stories are different,” he continued. “But basically they are either sold again at a much higher price, used by the original or new buyer as a prostitute, or used by the buyer as his personal sex slave. They get here because we’ve established good relationships with the local police, and when they get leads and conduct raids, we’re on their list of places of refuge. Okay, here’s the Rainbow House,” he said without skipping a beat. “This is where the boys with HIV stay.”

Care Corner has been running strong since 1995. It’s nestled into a beautifully green, Zen-like environment filled with a variety of trees and a view of rolling mountains. Ricky purchased this area in part because it was just a short walk to a previously established school adjacent to the property. As it was nearing noon, the kids were in school, so we were able to slowly drive through the Care Corner campus. “Here’s the open-air cafeteria,” he said. “And these here are the various dorms painted by the students, that’s the visitor guesthouse over there, and this place in front of us is my home.” We pulled up in front of his home, and as soon as we entered he began making us fair trade coffee bought from a small organization he established in order to help some of the surrounding tribes. We toured the orphanage by foot, met some of the staff, and then came back to his home where we settled into rocking chairs and began a conversation that would continue through dinner.

“Do you still feel it?” I asked him. “When the police make a raid or when you see the little kids running around out here, do you still feel all the emotions, or have you become numb to them over the years?”

“You know, Cameron, I still feel it. I really do. But I think I’m better able to handle how I feel it, if that makes sense. For example, when I tell people what I do for a living, they always smile and respond favorably. They say they admire my work. But when I tell them where these kids have come from, and what has happened to them, most people’s initial response is pure anger. You can see it in their eyes; their blood is boiling. They want to kill the person who hurt these kids. This is normal, but I do believe—and I think this is what I’ve learned to do over the years—we need to reverse where our emotions are placed. Anger against the criminal accomplishes nothing. It doesn’t help the situation and it doesn’t help the kids.”

Dr. Edward Day’s studies have led him to the same conclusion. Dr. Day is an Associate Professor of Criminal Justice and Sociology at Pennsylvania State University, Altoona Campus. He’s an award-winning teacher whose published research focuses on delinquency, suicide, genocide and other war crimes, victimization, and ethnic identity. Dr. Day currently serves on the Board of Trustees of the Academy of Criminal Justice Sciences and previously served as the Director of the Secretariat for the Northeastern Association of Criminal Justice Sciences. I shared Ricky’s observations with him and asked if he could provide any more insight.

“Love for the victim is what’s needed to break through their alienation,” Dr. Day said. “Instead, because the victimizer represents a threat to what we want to believe is sacred, our typical response is hatred towards the offender rather than compassion for the victim. We dedicate the bulk of our energy and resources towards punishment rather than healing. We set our goal as revenge rather than repair, leaving the victims to despair on their own and accomplishing so much less than we could.”

“Love for the victim is what’s needed to break through their alienation,” Dr. Day said. “Instead, our typical response is hatred towards the offender rather than compassion for the victim”

When I asked Ricky where the kids go once they reach eighteen and graduate high school, I was shocked at his response. “The majority of staff at Care Corner are former orphans or sex slaves themselves who have been here since they were small children,” he said. Admittedly, I felt both inspired and uneasy. Inspired because how great, right? The older kids may have a deeper understanding of what the incoming children have gone through. Uneasy because, years ago, I researched about how the victim often becomes the victimizer. I knew there was a risk here. I asked Ricky if he felt there should be more professional staff at Care Corner to help the kids emotionally, psychologically, and even physically, based on their HIV. “There’s just not much research out there,” he said, “especially regarding the emotional impact of having HIV so young. I believe the Lord has given us all the knowledge we need to overcome.” Surely, I asked myself, a therapist or counselor or academic is needed here? As Ricky got up to refill our coffee mugs, I saw a Bible sitting on the table, then a small cross on the wall. I felt frustration creeping through my agnosticism. I leafed through my notes and found Care Corner’s “Vision” statement from their website:

“The goal of the ministry is to provide spiritual development based on the Bible, basic education, primary health care and the utmost moral guidance as they grow. We believe the Lord has called us to raise up an army for His Kingdom in Thailand, and to be a beacon for the Lord wherever we are. We are committed to establish the career of these children by creating jobs and micro enterprises and to train them into “tentmakers” and full-time servants for the ministry.”

“No…” I mumbled to myself, “the Lord hasn’t given you all the knowledge needed to overcome. Professionals are needed here. Badly.” My personal beliefs and emotions were getting the best of me. I went to the bathroom sink, splashed cold water on my face, took a few deep breaths, and returned back to the rocking chair. I realized that by all accounts—even my own, however brief—these kids were certainly in a far better place than from where they came. It wasn’t fair of me to get upset because the program had what I perceived to be a glaring weakness. Kids laugh and play hopscotch after school, they pitch in and help cook their meals together, and they have weekly discussion groups where they’re able to develop trusting relationships by working through their experiences and emotions with others. It really is a safe haven. I wondered, though, what Dr. Day, a man who has spent his life studying in this field, might say about the true impact of such brutal victimization.

I could send you scientific citations on the effects of such victimization. The findings are robust. The victims are more likely to engage in all types of risky and destructive behaviors as they go through their lives, have difficulty maintaining relationships, and in the cruelest irony, are more likely to become victimizers themselves. This is all valuable knowledge because it helps us understand the problems that will need to be addressed so we can best design programs of prevention.”

“And it all somehow misses the human side of the tragedy,” Dr. Day continued. “Rationalism may give us a guide to action, but the wounds are emotional. When the very person who is supposed to represent release or security from the pains of the world is the same person who causes them, what do you trust in? Where do you find good? What can you love?”

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About Cameron Conaway

Cameron Conaway is a former MMA fighter, an award-winning poet and the 2014 Emerging Writer-in-Residence at Penn State Altoona. He is the author of Caged: Memoirs of a Cage-Fighting Poet, Bonemeal: Poems, Until You Make the Shore and Malaria, Poems. Conaway is also on the Editorial Board at Slavery Today. Follow him on Google+ and on Twitter: @CameronConaway.

Comments

  1. SnakeEyez says:

    While this story is very insightful and interesting I am wondering why this was classified as a sex/relationship story? Maybe gmp needs a few more categories…

  2. In my experience, Patrick Cooper’s remarks prove true. Children who experience neglect or abuse by their mothers tend to have difficulty forms bonds. I think part of the reason for this is because of the nature of the bond between mother and child. The mother is usually the first person the child learns to bond with. If that bond is damaged, destroyed, or impeded, then the child may never learn how to properly bond with people at all.

    It takes a long time to break through that. Speaking from personal experience, I still have difficulty forming bonds with people. I can fake my way through most of general associations, but it is still a challenge for me to connect with people on an emotional level.

    Dr. Edward Day’s conclusion also matches my experience. People do tend to respond in anger when they hear about abuse. However, I do not think it is just because the abuse impacts their view of the world. I think it is also because they think that punishing the person will make the victim feel better. That reaction may confuse some victims, though. Some of the men and boys I have spoken with questioned their own feelings because they were not nearly as angry at their abusers as other people were. It made some of them feel more guilty and ashamed.

    On a related note, in the article it is mentioned that victims go on to be abusers. This is not true. While many abusers were victims of abuse, most victims of abuse do not become abusers. Those that do usually do so because the problems they experienced were never addressed or treated. There is not a vampire effect where if a child is abused he will go on to abuse others. That distinction is really important because many victims of abuse end up thinking of themselves as untrustworthy or dangerous because of this false perception.

  3. Jacobtk, I think the neglect or abuse of a mother OR father to a child is damaging. My father wasn’t abusive but he wasn’t around much because he was always working. And when he was done with work, he was so tired physically, mentally and emotionally. I spent too many years seeking attention and validation from boys and men that didn’t care much about me other then to get their needs met first. And I was so desperate for any kind of attention, I happily took it. I am not saying that my situation was nearly as bad as child sex slavery. I am just pointing out that mothers and fathers are equally important to the development of a child on the emotional front, even if mothers provide the sustenance.

    Cameron, what a beautiful article. Child sex crimes are something people don’t much want to talk about because it makes them so umcomfortable. But we need to talk about. Because the people envovled with child sex crimes aren’t just creepy people dressed in black in their basements. They can be teachers, doctors, lawyers, men or women. I once read a stastitc that the child porn industry was a 3 billion dollar one. How awful is that?

    • Mothers and fathers are equally important to the development of children, but when it comes to abuse, abuse committed by women, especially mothers, tends to have more impact on a child.

      • Abuse committed by any parent, male or female, is determental to a child. And if you are going to qualify abuse by women as “worse”, then you can’t also claim that you think fathers are equally important to the development of a child. Because by saying that abuse committed by mothers is worse, then you are also saying that mothers are more imiportant to the development of chidlren then fathers. Catch 22 you have there Jacobtk.

        • Natasha says:

          Erin…

          Yes ANY kind of abuse is detrimental, but what you seem to be refusing to understand, is that maternal abuse and parenting style have their own UNIQUE negative consequences.

          Have a look –

          http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2009/12/the-science-of-success/7761/

          • There is new research from Norway that suggests that female pedophiles cause more damage than the male counter-parts, article here
            htt p://translate.google.com/translate?js=n&prev=_t&hl=sv&ie=UTF-8&layout=2&eotf=1&sl=sv&tl=en&u=http://genusnytt.wordpress.com/2011/06/14/kvinnliga-pedofiler-orsakar-barn-storre-skada/

            • Natasha, the thesis of the article is in regards to parenting in general, genes and the affects of negative or positive parenting. However, there is nothing in there that says abuse committed by mothers is worse vs abuse committed by fathers.

              So I am not so sure what you think you are proving because I completely acknowledge that abusive mothers gravely hurt their children However that wasn’t the complete conversation Jacob and I where having which has more to do with abusive mothers vs abusive fathers and one being “worse” then the other.

              A Man, please send that story to a child abuse victim that was harmed by an adult man and see what they have to say about it.

            • That’s a silly and emotional argument Erin. My showing that article to a victim of a male pedophile won’t change the results of the research in any way. I can tell you are a good girl mean well bit discounting the research and if its correct, the lived experience of victims of female pedophiles, who tend to be younger when targeted and related to their abusers isn’t fair.

            • Which part was “silly and emotional” A Man? I completely expect that you won’t be able to answer this because there is nothing silly or emotional in my argument. Our conversation had nothing to do with “changing the results of the “research” of your article. Qualifying abuse? Come on. I can’t even get the link to your article to come up so who knows if it even really is there. But if you want to be clearer about the link, please post it again so I can see it.

              I still stand by my statement. Ask a person abused by a woman in their childhood and ask a person abused by a man in their childhood and the outcome is still the same: horrific abuse. Period. Qualifying that people abused by women is *worse* is purposely misleading and demeaning to anyone that suffered abuse by a male.

            • Erin.

              You are making an emotional argument, you are saying that I shouldn’t repeat what the article is saying about female pedophiles because it might upset victims of male pedophiles.

              Here, follow this link, there are links from it to both the original article and a translation.

              “‘Women who are sexually abusing children causing their victims more injuries than men. It writes the Norwegian newspaper Bergens time. They quote four researchers at the Psychology Faculty at the University of Bergen, who has written an article about it in the Journal of the Norwegian Psychological Association.
              Women abuse is similar to those of male sex offenders, writes Bergen’s time, but women’s abuse often occurs in close relationships, and, therefore, more detrimental to the children.’
              htt p://www.misandryreview.com/mens-activism-news/2011/06/14/norway-female-pedophiles-cause-children-more-harm/

            • Yeah, I said no such thing A man. What I did say is that you should ask someone abused by a man if they were less affected by that abuse then someone abused by a woman, and see what they say. Directly from the source. I do not believe abuse commited by a woman is “worse” than by a man. Just as I don’t believe abuse commited by a man is “worse” then by a woman. Abuse commited by any one, man or woman, toward a child is disturbing and disgusting. Qualifying that one is worse then other is akin to saying that it’s a little more okay when one gender abuses someone over the other.

              I did get the link to work this time and got a chance to read the article. There was nothing all that conclusive in the article. It says nothing about the type of questions they were asked, how many abused victims where asked, how the abuse was determined, and the relationships to the victims of either men or women. The article gives none of this information. It also doesn’t give any information on how women cause more injuries to their victims then men. And the outcome of how abuse victims from women turn out vs abuse victims from men.

              Now I do agree that abuse committed by women is probably under reported. By how much, I don’t know. But to qualify that abuse committed by women is “worse” then abuse committed by men is fool hardy.

  4. child sex slavery is bad. The gmp has some balls saying it. Who else but everyone on earth would challenge the child sex slavery imaginary juggernaut?

    • I know, Joe. Isn’t it brave of people to take a stand on this horrible issue? I mean, it’s not like the U.S. pumps 80 million dollars annually into this issue and finds, on the average, 200 children being pimped each year (that’s an expenditure of 400,000 bucks per kids, folks. Remember that next time they’re talking about budget cuts taking out schools in your neighborhood).

      I’m particularly impressed with the number of celebrities, ex-celebrites and almost, would-be celebrities who’ve discovered this issue when their careers need sprucing up.

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  6. People should read the article linked below. Now.

    http://www.facebook.com/l.php?u=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.miaminewtimes.com%2F2011-11-03%2Fnews%2Flost-boys-child-sex-trafficking-research-demolishes-the-stereotype%2F&h=FAQEKK_stAQGQbVdnzFFQwwn5Q7QZQXLYbvk95REe5wDtnw

    TL;DR version: of the probable 3000 minors in New York, selling sex, only 10% have a pimp or are in what could be called a trafficking situation.

    If you’re interested in helping kids who are in sex work, the first place to start is taking a long hard look at the conditions most of them face.

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  1. [...] [READ MORE HERE] Share this:EmailPrintFacebook Intl News Facebookfacebook TwitterTwitter stumbleuponstumbleupon del.icio.usdel.icio.us Buzz [...]

  2. [...] place for people to meet before they go elsewhere. As I sat there waiting to be picked up by Ricky Tan, founder of Care Corner Orphanage, I couldn’t believe what came out of their public announcement [...]

  3. [...] social media creating the laziest generation?” Sure, several publications told me to take Never to be Sold Again elsewhere because it was “too long for contemporary readers,” and this made me think of how [...]

  4. [...] to Chiang Mai, Thailand, to meet with Ricky Tan, the founder of the renowned Care Corner Orphanage. Click here to read the full article. Here’s an [...]

  5. Man Food says:

    [...] place for people to meet before they go elsewhere. As I sat there waiting to be picked up by Ricky Tan, founder of Care Corner Orphanage, I couldn’t believe what came out of their public announcement [...]

  6. [...] State alum or fan or not. WE ARE missing the point. As Penn State Criminology professor Ed Day told me: Love for the victim is what’s needed to break through their alienation. Instead, because the [...]

  7. [...] State alum or fan or not. WE ARE missing the point. As Penn State Criminology professor Ed Day told me: Love for the victim is what’s needed to break through their alienation. Instead, because the [...]

  8. [...] I’ve studied will ever crush me as much as watching the innocent 6-year-olds play hopscotch while knowing that they’d been raped for years and now had HIV as a result. If “the test of a first-rate intelligence,” as F. [...]

  9. [...] my visit to Care Corner Orphanage in Thailand I was shocked that most of the HIV-infected sex slave [...]

  10. [...] – Never To Be Sold Again: Breaking the Cycle of Child Sex Slavery [...]

  11. […] Never To Be Sold Again: Breaking the Cycle of Child Sex Slavery […]

  12. […] incapable of relating no matter how hard they tried. I saw some shit while I was abroad. Groups of boys with HIV. Disabled children sold as sex slaves. Men dying at the shipbreaking yards. On a daily basis my […]

  13. […] incapable of relating no matter how hard they tried. I saw some shit while I was abroad. Groups of boys with HIV. Disabled children sold as sex slaves. Men dying at the shipbreaking yards. On a daily basis my […]

  14. […] when we hear traumatic stories such as those from Somaly Mam or of the young boys in Chiang Mai who have HIV as a result of being passed around as sex slaves. The voices of the survivors must remain at the forefront so […]

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