Danny photographs himself regularly, in order to see himself as he really appears.
As you may have heard, I am not a fan of having my picture taken. And I have been working on it.
I think Ellen Fisher Turk gave me a good idea. From her main page:
I use image-still or video to help women see past who they think they are. I photograph women who suffer from negative body mage brought on by rape, incest, eating disorders, cancer or just plain life.
This is an invitation to participate in a process that will completely change how you view yourself.
I’m not a skilled photographer, mind you, but I thought, “Why can’t I do that for myself?” So I started a bit of an experiment in hopes that it will help me overcome my hatred of having my picture taken.
For the last year or so when I come home from work, I pull out my digital camera and I take a few pictures of myself. Nothing fancy, usually just a simple pose in what I wore to work that day—three button polo and basic dress slacks—at first but lately I have gotten into taking photos of myself in more casual clothing. I usually take about 3-5 pictures. So far it is helping me overcome the fear.
Who knows: maybe one day I’ll get bold enough to not only be able to take a picture without being disgusted. For now, though, I’m taking joy on the fact that I have gotten bold enough to actually post pictures of myself on a regular basis.
This has been be a grand experience. Take a look at the whole set for yourself (but warning, there are some straight up NSFW photos in there, not of me mind you) if you get a chance, but here are a few that I really like.
—Photo credit: Danny
About Danny
Danny, thank you for sharing.
I am curious, do you think it is helping you overcome your fear, specifically of being photographed, or is it helping your self image overall?
If you’re not ready to answer that yet, I understand, but it’s always exciting to hear about any kind of progress.
First let me establish a timeline (which I should have done in the post but forgot).
I started that tumblr (Danny’s Phototherapy) is early 2011. Last year I had three noticeable milestones.
1. Near the beginning of the year I was at a friend’s place and when he pulled out some old photos I literally turned away and refused to look at any photos of myself. This was a big part of starting that tumblr.
2. Around the middle of 2011 a coworker pulled out her cell phone and wanted to take a photo of me and not only did I not turn away but I actually smiled for it.
3. Late last year I was at an old college friend’s place along with another old friend. The wife of the the friend’s place I was at pulled her camera and wanted us to pose for a pic. I did it without batting an eye. And this was such a major change the two friends, who have go back a little over 10 years with me, noticed it enough to talk about how I didn’t shy away anymore.
So to answer you question.
I am curious, do you think it is helping you overcome your fear, specifically of being photographed, or is it helping your self image overall?
It has helped me overcome my fear of being photographed quite a bit. I don’t shy away from the camera anywhere near as much anymore. Not wanting my picture taken has been one of the reasons that I’ve never gotten into anime cosplay. Yeah I plan on starting work on my first costume for an anime con coming up this fall (and if I don’t go to the con I may just wear it for Halloween, another occasion I haven’t dressed up for in several years because of not wanting my pic taken).
As for self image overall that’s not been quite as fruitful. You see when you almost never get anything near a compliment about your appearance it hurts. When it happens for the vast majority of your life it really hurts. Yes I know somewhere someone is probably reading this and thinking something to the effect of “you don’t need the validation of others to know you’re attractive”. That’s a hard bargain for someone that has almost never heard that validation before. (Personally I think of it in terms of the guy that’s “loved and lost” telling the guy that’s “never loved at all” that love is not that big of a deal.) Mind you I’m not saying this for pity’s sake or anything, just telling you what the score is.
(A while back there was a post here called, “Maybe she really is that into you” or something like that. Jefferey Platts (I think) made the point of trying to tell guys that they shouldn’t talk themselves out of a compliment that a woman gives them. Well when you’re not getting those compliments there’s not much to talk yourself out of. And when you go a rather long time without getting them then the bar gets raised quite a bit on how believable they are.
For example this past weekend I inadvertently became the the temporary babysitter for a woman that got outrageously drunk (a story that I’ve actually considered turning into a post but more than likely won’t). The whole time in between walking, apologizing for taking my time, puking and groping me she’s going on about how great of a guy I am and how nice I am and of course how attractive I am. Now I know that Jeffery wasn’t trying to speak absolute truth or trying to cover all situations when telling guys to try to believe a woman when she compliments you. However when the only recent face to face compliments you have to your name come from a person that is so wasted they can’t even stand it kinda weighs heavy on the heart.)
Danny,
I really appreciate your response.
I was curious about the potential cross-over from taking-picture to actual improvement in self image (since that’s what Fisher Turk suggested in the first place).
It sounds like you’ve made great progress on the fear even if self image seems like a problem still.
I was curious about the potential cross-over from taking-picture to actual improvement in self image (since that’s what Fisher Turk suggested in the first place).
A valid thought. While the background of my own issues is not the same as Turk’s patients I think her techniques can be quite useful for helping people, regardless of the source of their body image issues.
Mind you (in my case at least) picture taking alone isn’t the fix. It helps a lot and I think its an essential part, but not the whole solution.
Wow, Danny. It’s great to see what you look like in real life.
By the way, do you still have issues with being fat? Because I don’t think you look fat at all. You look well built for someone your age.
I agree, Danny does look just well-built to me also.
Don’t let the clothes fool you guys. Also notice that you pretty much only see the top half of my body. One other thing I need to work on is being comfortable in something that’s not baggy. I basically don’t like clothes to get too close to my form because I want want my full build to show.
As someone with body dysmorphic issues myself, I’ll offer you some advice about feedback and compliments…just take them and try to believe that the person is telling you the truth. Cause they most likely are
Hell Julie, I’d have to hear the feedback and compliments first. I’ll get around to believing them later.
Thanks for sharing this, thank you so much!
I’ll try to sort my thoughts and feelings on my own issues, and come back to say something a bit more coherent.
Can’t wait to hear what you have to say Flying.
Oh and about the tagline (this isn’t the one I originally submitted but honestly it doesn’t explain things any better):
Danny photographs himself regularly, in order to see himself as he really appears.
Here’s the thing. The problem isn’t that I was somehow not seeing myself as I really appear. I am seeing it. And its not pretty.
I’m going to reframe that. You do not find it pretty. Others may find it pretty. Their opinions are as valid as yours.
Its a struggle to believe that Julie. A serious struggle.
Oh and I managed to create a tag page that will only show the photos of myself that I’ve put up. It will save the trouble of sifting through all my entries just to see the photos (not only do I post photos but its also my own tumblr, so its full of random stuff).
http://dannysphototherapy.tumblr.com/tagged/phototherapy
BadASS. I remember you mentioned on NSWATM that you were doing this last year, and it was one of the major factors that led me to work up the nerve to pose nude recently. Just taking an honest look at oneself. Not as easy as it oughtta be, but like you say, it does work.
Also, you’re seriously rocking the ‘fro there. Really works on you.
I remember you mentioned on NSWATM that you were doing this last year, and it was one of the major factors that led me to work up the nerve to pose nude recently.
Really now?
And yes Fro and I work together well (and did mean to capitalize that).
These are awesomeness! Nevertheless, may I respectfully request some silly poses? ^_^
I appreciate the vote of confidence but I’m not sure I’m that far along in built up confidence yet. But just out of curiosity what poses did you have in mind?
Danny,
Interesting.
Reading this, I reflected on my own experience.
I did not like the way I looked. Except when I was baby-cute, I liked maybe one or two of my school pictures.
Then, I saw a pose I liked and imitated it. I never got it right and looked stupid trying. Or, I sat there with stone-face.
And, the clothes? Let’s just say that when your parents start you out wearing plaid pants, you are NOT going to make it unless you are a natural at golf.
Then, I found my smile.
It was in a few of the pictures of me that I liked. It was genuinely me. It was not forced, and it was the me I felt comfortable being.
And, I also got a job that requires a suit. I made it my own (no plaid!). And, not to worry Noah, I am leaving the hat-thing to you (but, again, I bet Noah would say that that is his thing-in fact, I think he has pretty much said that).
Now, I get all kinds of compliments on the way I dress (funny, from women AND men). Of course, the clothes kind of draw them away from the mug, you know.
And, now, I am not afraid of the camera. I can pull that smile out pretty much whenever I want (with close to 95% accuracy), hold it until the doofuss(es) with the camera(s) take the picture(s), and actually like what I see.
Hope this helps.
-Jut
I did not like the way I looked. Except when I was baby-cute, I liked maybe one or two of my school pictures.
I know how you feel. Looking back I can honestly say that there has never been a point in my life where I liked the way I looked or a point in my life when I got compliments on my looks (other than pretty much since this series has been running here). Yes I know people say its folly to look to others for validation but as I told Julie above it can get pretty damn painful to go several decades and damn near never hear anything as simple, “You’re pretty.”.
Its one thing to fight against people telling you aren’t attractive. Its another to fight against going unnoticed.
But thanks for chiming in Jut.
Danny: “Yes I know people say its folly to look to others for validation but….”
Danny, my experience has been that people started complimenting me (or, more appropriately, the way I dress) when I stopped looking for validation from them.
I was horrible at picking out clothes and always self-conscious about looking funny. And nice clothes? Please!
But, then I had to wear nice boring clothes. And, I stopped caring. Maybe that was confidence (or false confidence), but it worked. I was able to express myself beyond the boring, and people noticed. They noticed the very things I was using to put my personal touch on my own style. I hate to bring up Noah again, but the hat-thing seems like a perfect analog. It is a unique thing.
Now, I can wear orange (orange!) and people say it is a color I can wear. A woman challenged me that I could not wear a pink tie. I decided to take the challenge. I found one that worked for me. People noticed. I can wear yellow, green, blue, brown. I still have an aversion to stripes, but I don’t care. I will wear them if I want and I will not worry what people think. That is either confidence or a sociopathic fashion sense; either way, it took a long time to develop it and I am not giving up on it now.
Okay, maybe it took me more than two decades to learn how to dress myself, but for me to say that I can do it is a big thing.
So, don’t look for the validation of others and you just might get it. For example, you and the afro. That is not the shaved head style that you see nowadays. The afro is bold; bald is trendy. You have to know that (right?). I bet the afro is deliberate. I bet people comment on it (and comment positively on it). Own that. You made that decision and you make it work. Taking that comment, which I assume you get, may help you take the next step.
Anyway, I hope that makes some sense.
-Jut
First off Jut let me say thanks for this exchange. And I’m thanking you because I think I’m about to go in an odd direction.
Now about Fro (yes I call it that, and yes that is capitalized). Yes I do get comments on it, positive ones indeed. As a true testament to how damaged my self image may be after all these years hear me out.
Despite those compliments its still bugging that that are pretty much the only comments I get. I know I said earlier that I very rarely to almost never get compliments (wait for it), but I really don’t count compliments on my hair as compliments about me.
Sure, “Your hair is awesome.” does lift my spirits a bit (but sometimes crash right back down when people ask to touch it). But, and maybe this is me, I don’t think it would feel the same as a “You’re cute/sexy/attractive.”.
Again thanks for hearing me out.
Danny: “But, and maybe this is me, I don’t think it would feel the same as a “You’re cute/sexy/attractive.”.”
Danny, thanks for the response. It is you, but it is not just you. I don’t get those sorts of comments often either. They may compliment my style, but, when it is followed up by, “are you gay?”, I just have to laugh. Whether it is a man or a woman, it is not a question a uber-masculine heterosexual guy like myself
can win by answering.
And, now maybe it is just me, but being able to laugh at myself has made me fell much better about myself. It disarms them and what they see (I presume) is a confidence that shines through.
So, take their compliment, and, if it were me, if they asked to touch my hair, I would have a pat self-deprecating response that would essentially tell them “no.” That may not work for you, but it works for me. That is how it can let you come out as a The Man Behind (or Under) the Fro.
Thanks for listening.
-Jut
Danny: “When people ask to touch it.”
That reminded me of an essay. I think it was from James Baldwin’s Notes of a Native Son, or Nobody Knows My Name. He talked about living in Switzerland and the children there had never seen a black man. They were fascinated by his skin, but more so by his hair. If I recall (and it has been a long time since I read it), he describes a similar feeling. Your comment reminded me of that.
if you are much of a reader, you might want to check it out.
-Jut
And, now maybe it is just me, but being able to laugh at myself has made me fell much better about myself. It disarms them and what they see (I presume) is a confidence that shines through.
Maybe. Laughing at oneself is a valuable ability. It just feels like when you do it enough it doesn’t feel like it’s worth it. Try and try again I guess.
Thanks.