It’s early, but you think this one might be ‘the one.’ Thump-thump. And you don’t want to screw it up. Here’s the one skill you need to ensure your relationship’s long-term survival.
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You’re three months, maybe six months in. And you’re head over heels in love.
The talk is great. The sex is great. The future looks … great.
Maybe, just maybe, this is “the one.”
Your friends are talking.
“Don’t lose this one, man.”
“He’s such a catch.”
And you’re wondering, “Could I have actually found ‘the one’? The person who’s right/best/ideal or even the only person for me?”
“Can I/we go the distance? Do I have what it takes? Will I somehow f**k it up? Will my partner find out who I really am … and decide to leave?”
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You obsess over whether this partner is right for you. You ask yourself a million questions. Does she bring out the best in me? Can I overlook his flaws? Are there any deal-breakers out there? Am I going to get whacked by a nasty surprise?
But you’re also wondering about yourself. Because you’re in love and happy and looking for more than a fling or a friend with benefits. The question weighing heaviest on your mind is: “Can I/we go the distance? Do I have what it takes? Will I somehow f**k it up? Will my partner find out who I really am … and decide to leave?”
You’re dying to know if this relationship will finally be the one that lasts, the primary romantic relationship of your life. And the answer … is up to you.
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I’ve written about how to filter out partners who aren’t right for you—or probably anyone else. And I’ve written about how to recognize serious relationship dysfunction. I’ve done a piece on why we stay when we should leave, and I’ve employed hindsight to write about stuff I wish I’d known before getting married.
But I haven’t until now identified the one critical, make-or-break skill you need to move from serial dating adventures to building and sustaining a long-term and potentially life-term partnership.
It’s simple.
But it’s not easy.
While sexual chemistry, emotional compatibility, and respectful communication are key factors in any relationship, short or long-term, none of them is the differentiator.
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It’s not amazing sexual technique, though that can make monogamy more fun.
It’s not listening, or empathy, or compassion, though these are all essential to healthy relationship functioning.
It’s not even—and I hesitate as I write this, because this one is so important—communication, though without it, you will surely fail.
While sexual chemistry, emotional compatibility, and respectful communication are key factors in any relationship, short or long-term, none of them is the differentiator.
The differentiator—the thing that determines whether you can make it with someone—is, plain and simple, self-awareness.
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Self-awareness is an easy concept to grasp, but a slippery one to hold on to. It’s a difficult behavior to practice consistently, because it requires objective introspection and the ability to self-correct without self-criticizing.
90% or more of the stuff you do that bugs your partner or turns him or her off is stuff you’re not aware you’re doing.
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I assure you, and you can quote me on this: 90% or more of the stuff you do that bugs your partner or turns him or her off is stuff you’re not aware you’re doing. And because you’re not aware of it, when you’re called on it, you feel attacked and criticized unfairly for something you didn’t do. You get defensive. You deny doing it, or you don’t remember. Or you go on the offensive and bring up something your partner does that bugs you. And when you get defensive or flip the argument, your partner thinks you’re not listening, not hearing, not interested in changing, and—the worst relationship-killing belief of all—you don’t care. How can you care, if you keep doing it—whatever it is—even after you’ve been asked not to?
Side note: Sometimes, partners accuse each other of doing things they really didn’t do and try to convince them that they did. This is called gaslighting, and it’s a sign of personality disorder in the person perpetuating the lie. What I’m talking about here is when your partner is aware of behaviors that you are incapable of seeing or refuse to acknowledge in yourself.
Self-awareness is so crucial because it’s the lever that allows you to modify behavior. It’s the navigational device that allows you to self-correct.
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Self-awareness is so crucial because it’s the lever that allows you to modify behavior. It’s the navigational device that allows you to self-correct. It’s also the precursor to self-control, a skill you’ll need when your partner inevitably gets angry and your first reaction is to get angry right back. Self-control enables you to set the tone—firmly and consistently—for the kind of respectful communication you’ll need to weather storms together, to resolve differences cooperatively, and to parent effectively if you decide to have children. You can’t control an impulse if you’re not aware of it.
Self-awareness also helps you determine if you’re truly happy in the relationship. If you’re not, you should be the one to leave.
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Here are five things you can do to achieve and maintain a higher level of self-awareness.
1. The mood check. When you get up in the morning, go out for lunch, and just before you come home, do a quick mood check. Pissy is 1; happy is 10. Rate yourself on the scale. If you’re under 5, ask yourself why and then ask yourself, “What mood do I want to bring home to my partner?” It’s one thing if you’re legitimately sad or upset about something and you turn to your partner for support. It’s another if you regularly subject your partner to the frustrations of your day or your underlying anxiety. Just letting your partner know you’re in a pissy mood—and acknowledging that it’s not his or her fault—can help your partner understand where you are and what to expect. Self-awareness creates a context for open communication and supportive behavior.
Even if 90-95% of what your partner is saying is wrong, there’s a grain of truth, some core nugget, in what you’re being told.
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2. The grain of truth theory. When your partner points out a problem, even if your first reaction is to deny it, stop and allow for the grain of truth. Even if 90-95% of what your partner is saying is wrong, there’s a grain of truth, some core nugget, in what you’re being told. You may not be an insensitive person, but you may have behaved insensitively in the instance being discussed. You may not be forgetful—you may even be extremely attentive—but the thing you forgot triggered feelings of hurt and abandonment. Look for the grain of the truth, and work with it to effect change.
3. Remember that you have blind spots. We all have blind spots. We try to compensate but even rear-view mirrors miss the cars a few feet behind us. My new Volvo has a fancy blind-spot system—cameras under each rear-view mirror that see what the mirror can’t and trigger a warning light. It’s saved my ass more than a few times. Your partner is like the cameras. He or she sees things that you can’t. And when your partner points these things out, it’s often to protect him or herself or the relationship. You may feel blindsided or backstabbed, but when your partner shows you something you can’t see, more often than not, your partner has your back.
You may get validation of your rightness, or your friend may tell you something like, “Um, yeah, you do that to me, too.”
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4. Get a reality check. Continuing with the car metaphor for a moment, a warning from your partner about your behavior is a lot like the check engine light. You can decide to ignore it and hope it will go away—and it might—but you could also end up stalled out on the highway waiting for AAA and looking at costly repairs. Run your partner’s feelings by a trusted friend. See what he or she says. You may get validation of your rightness, or your friend may tell you something like, “Um, yeah, you do that to me, too.” If your reality check consistently differs from your own perception, you need to examine yourself more closely.
5. Acknowledge that trees have roots. Feelings overtake—and overwhelm—us for reasons we frequently don’t understand. We suddenly feel agitated or elated, and we run with it. But all our feelings have root causes, and the root causes of our moods and emotional states are primarily internal. The trunk, branches, and leaves of trees all depend on the roots for nourishment, and our own emotional health depends on what our psychological roots are eating and drinking. Acknowledging the source of your feelings enables you to stop blaming them on your partner and start the journey of self-discovery.
If I missed something here, please let me know. I’m self-aware enough to know I don’t have all the answers.
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This post is republished on Medium.
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Photo credit: iStock
Great post and I think it is very useful information that you share about gaslighting. Mental disorder is an umbrella term for wildly varying presentations. Of these, those with disorders that indicate a propensity to gaslight (these would be psychopathy and the overlapping cluster B personality disorders) would not make healthy partners, so your point, in my view, is actually spot on and important info for people. I always enjoy reading your articles 🙂
One of the most useful and eye-opening articles I’ve seen on GMP in some time. Great work and superbly communicated.
This was really eye-opening. I think it is the best article I’ve read on GMP. Kudos & thanks!
I opened this article thinking I knew what the “one skill” would be… and not only was I wrong, it ended up being the one thing that I personally REALLY need to work on, and the one thing that has been the most damaging thus far in my marriage. So again, THANK YOU. 🙂
Thanks for this. All of this is excellent advice and I’m so glad you mentioned gaslighting. When you are dealing with someone who can’t be self-aware, and when your own self-awareness causes you to be vulnerable to that kind of ambient abuse, it is so important to educate yourself about personality disorders. I would say that gaslighting goes both ways…that a person initiates an offense and then completely denies it happens. It is a general distorting or denying of reality to manipulate reality, and the only reality that counts is the one defined by the abuser. It’s really important to… Read more »
Georgina, Thanks. You make an excellent point about gaslighting going both ways. Abusers generally try to redefine reality to their advantage. I also agree that confessional self-awareness can only occur in a safe, non-abusive relationship. Otherwise, anything you say can and will be used against you.
Really helpful piece. I know when I read “long-term relationship” I immediately thought of a romantic partner, but whilst I was reading it, I was actually thinking of relationships with family members which are of course also long-term relationships.
Asifa, I had written it with romantic relationships in mind, but it does apply to all types of long-term relationships. Thanks for pointing that out.
I’ve been following the good men project for a few months now, and this article is simply incredible. I’m in a relationship (a serious one) with a super girl that seems to be “te one” (amazing personality, comprehensive, good sense of humor, similar life goals and plans, and a family synergy that simply made her unique), we get pretty much everything right, but the self-awareness factor was sort of unknown for me, the funny part is that, sence my past relationship, I’ve been over analyzing myself, and that helped it so much to get this one right, so far. Thank… Read more »
Deiniol, Thank you for your kind words. I’m glad what I wrote is helpful to you, and I hope you find everything you want in your relationship.
Beautifully done, Thomas. Love your style!
It’s so hard to talk about self-awareness in ways that actually make sense and in ways that are immediately helpful.
You’ve done BOTH here. Thanks!
Thank you, Steve. That’s a really nice compliment.
Hi Thomas
This is a GREAT article !
I wonder if you yourself are aware how good this one is 🙂
Thank you, silke! I sometimes have a feeling after writing a piece that it is really good, but honestly, I wasn’t sure with this one. Some of my best pieces—or, I should say, the ones that receive the biggest response—just flow out, and this one took more time. You’ve just helped me become aware that when I have difficultly writing something, I tend to think it’s not as good as an article that flows easily. That’s a preconception on my part that does not necessarily reflect reality. So thank you for helping me with that 🙂
Another great article Thomas. On a simple note, people suffering mental disorders are capable of being decent partners as well. Sometimes, there seems to be a negative undertone when you mention individuals suffering with mental disorders.
M. Thank you for your comment. It’s certainly not my intent to stigmatize people with mental disorders or suggest that by definition they make worse partners or are not capable of functional relationships. My purpose here in mentioning gaslighting was to make sure readers knew that some partners manipulate to make you aware of things that aren’t actually happening. Mental illness is frequently a factor in dysfunctional relationships, and if it’s the cause of a person’s unhealthy behavior and can be treated, that to me is a positive thing. I’m less interested in labels than in helping people recognize behavior… Read more »