The long-term relationships we choose have greater impact on our happiness and well-being than any other decisions we make. This simple, 10-second, yes or no test helps us determine whether to stay the course or head for the hills.
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Should I stay or should I go now?
Should I stay or should I go now?
If I go there will be trouble
An’ if I stay it will be double
So come on and let me know
—Should I Stay Or Should I Go, The Clash
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New relationships are the best, right? We all know that special thrill. We meet someone fun and attractive, everything is fresh and exciting, and we experience the joy of discovery as we learn intimate details about another person and start to feel safe sharing our own. Companionship sure beats loneliness, and we feel fortunate and blessed to have found someone who finally understands us. And then there’s the magical bliss of infatuation, the sprinkle of sparkly fairy dust that dispels all doubt and makes us feel as if we’re perfect for each other.
And then … reality bites.
He steals a glance at the blonde one table over.
She orders a third drink.
He snores.
She falls asleep without brushing her teeth.
He gargles religiously for five minutes every morning.
She leaves a tampon in the toilet.
He confesses he didn’t really like Bridget Jones’s Diary.
She confesses she doesn’t really like Thai food.
He admits he was only pretending to like cats.
She starts to “upgrade” his wardrobe.
And so on.
And then there’s the magical bliss of infatuation, the sprinkle of sparkly fairy dust that dispels all doubt and makes us feel as if we’re perfect for each other.
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The progression from la-la land to love it or leave it is normal as a relationship grows and evolves, and with a core foundation of shared values and interests, sexual chemistry, solid communication skills, and dedicated commitment to making it work, many couples survive the drop-off of the booster rocket at the end of the honeymoon period and launch into the difficult but immensely rewarding orbit of building a long-term, loving relationship. Understanding what happens in our subconscious when the dream state wears off is key to making a sound and healthy decision about staying or leaving.
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What if we’re wasting our time on someone who isn’t “the one”? And how do we know if this one is the one?
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As time goes by—one month, three months, six months—a strange thing happens. We begin to feel, on the one hand, more confident and comfortable and less afraid of being ourselves around our partners. Yet at the same time, having invested a quarter or half a year of our lives in being with another person, we begin to worry about the what ifs, especially the big one: What if we’re wasting our time on someone who isn’t “the one”? And how do we know if this one is the one? This confusing dichotomy of increased confidence in and comfort with our partnership bond accompanied by decreased certainty of our partner’s rightness occurs naturally as we move closer to shifting from a short-term, easily escapable relationship, to a long-term, committed, often legally-sanctioned and possibly life-long partnership with another person. Just as we start to let our guard down, our protective instinct kicks in to ensure we’re getting in bed—literally and figuratively—with a partner who is safe and will treat us well over the long term.
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The confounding push-pull of these conflicting feelings leads to those seemingly random outbursts of emotion, crying jags, scary statements such as “I don’t know if I love you,” and the need for a “break” or “time off to sort things out” before moving forward.
Finally, there is the fear of losing “the one,” the person who is meant for us, and living an unfulfilled life with substitutes because we stupidly lost “the real thing.”
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At the same time, partners experience an unsettling set of fears that spur irrational behavior. There is the fear of fucking up, of ruining the relationship and losing a loving companion. There is the fear that we don’t deserve to be loved, that we will be dumped as soon as this is discovered, so we might as well end it ourselves to avoid being dumped. Finally, there is the fear of losing “the one,” the person who is meant for us, and living an unfulfilled life with substitutes because we stupidly lost “the real thing.”
These fears result in the following unhealthy behaviors:
- self-imposed pressure to agree with our partner and conform to his or her ways of doing things;
- a tendency to accommodate and compromise;
- avoidance of confrontation even when our principles are at stake;
- and reluctance to draw boundaries for fear of upsetting, alienating, or driving our partner away.
While these behaviors seem rational in the short term, as they smooth out early rough spots in the relationship, they are unwise for the long term, as they gouge deep potholes that partners will need to navigate around down the road to avoid damaging the relationship.
In this confusing mess, the questions arise: Is he or she the one for me? Is it meant to be? Can we make it work? How do I know?
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Fear of making a mistake also results in testing, which can take the form of obnoxious or disrespectful behavior to see how a partner reacts or manifest as requests for proofs of love and commitment. Isn’t love grand?
Perhaps the most memorable marriage test appears in the movie Diner, when Baltimore Colts fan Eddie, played by Steve Guttenberg, administers a 140-question football test to his fiancée Elyse to determine if she is marriage material. Even though she fails by two points, he still walks down the aisle with her.
In retrospect, couples who have been together for a long time often say, “We just knew,” but hindsight has a way of shrouding what really happened in a haze of false memory, revisionist history, and wishful thinking. Few people remember exactly how they knew or what they were thinking at the time. And everyone offers a different tidbit of advice.
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Hindsight has a way of shrouding what really happened in a haze of false memory, revisionist history, and wishful thinking.
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While it’s nearly impossible to be objective about love—after all, we’re dealing with feelings here—it’s crucial to be aware of the factors that influence our decisions. It’s also helpful to have a simple, yes or no, blue or red litmus test (as opposed to a 140-question sports quiz) we can use to determine whether our relationship is destined for long-term happiness or headed for heartbreak. Here are 10 tests that don’t work, and one that does.
- He always tells me he loves me. (Saying it doesn’t make it so.)
- She says she accepts me exactly the way I am. (She may actually want some changes—we all do.)
- We always make up in the bedroom. (Sex doesn’t engender intimacy; intimacy engenders sex.)
- We never fight. (All couples have disagreements.)
- He’s nice to my parents. (It could be an act.)
- She’s good to my kids. (It could be an act.)
- We never run out of things to talk about. (You may not be communicating about the important stuff.)
- He/she always puts my needs first. (No one is a saint; there may be resentment building.)
- We like all the same things—books, movies, foods, activities, places to go. (Life will get boring if neither one of you ever pursues an independent interest or takes the other out of their comfort zone.)
- He/she says we’re soulmates and I’m the one. (If this is true, it never needs convincing.)
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Here is the one test that does work.
How does your partner treat you when you’re wrong?
When it turns out you’re mistaken or had the wrong idea about something, does your partner jump on you, go for the jugular, pound the point home, spike the ball in the end zone, gloat in victory, take joy in your defeat, self-congratulate on superior intellect, and act smug about being right?
Or does your partner act respectfully towards you, give your points fair consideration, try to help you see where your judgment might be inaccurate or flawed, show forgiveness and understanding, treat your discussion as a learning experience instead of a conquest, and employ communication skills not to weaken you but to strengthen the relationship?
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To me, this is the ultimate test. Because inevitably, we will all be wrong. And when we are, we do not want to be made to feel small, stupid, ignorant, and worthless. We don’t want to feel that our standing has been diminished by “losing.” We don’t want to feel squashed or stomped on.
We simply want to be treated fairly and with … respect.
This article and more like it are included in Thomas G. Fiffer’s ebook, What Is Love? A Guide for the Perplexed to Matters of the Heart.
“What is wrong with you does not intimidate me.” This is where I believe the journey of truth in love is born. Compromise.Willing patience. Mercy. Consideration. Cooperation. Compassion. Forgiveness after the fire of fury.
what if the mistake are done tooo frequent to bear, became intolerable, making a gentle man an akward rude cheap speak words he never used at anyone.
“… we begin to worry about the what ifs, especially the big one: What if we’re wasting our time on someone who isn’t “the one”?”
‘We’ do? This is a foreign concept to me. I’m glad I’m not afflicted with this outlook.
What about when the same “mistake” continues to happen and their excuse is “it didn’t matter”, “I didn’t think”, “it’s no big deal”. The person that “didn’t matter” enough, or “wasn’t thought of”, or “is no big deal” to be included in or even told about it when it affects the ENTIRE family eventually gets beaten down and shown that they are small, stupid, ignorant, worthless. Perhaps one is pushed to the point of finally lashing out verbally but what they should have done was left before their horrible spouse caused them to become broken inside. Actions speak louder than… Read more »
I have acted wrong in the past with my responses when I thought you weren’t right… But that’s something I have been working on along with other things. Although I think this point is very important, I don’t think that’s the answer to “should I stay or should I go”; if that were the case then many people would never find a long lasting relationship because a lot of people react this way- this is a character flaw and until the person realizes the flaw then they will continue to react this way. For me, it is something I’ve realized… Read more »
So what if your partner always is understanding when you admit to being the one who was wrong,
who made a mistake, but never ever admits to being the one who is wrong or made a mistake?
Yes, they can control their temper (when they get what they want) but If someone can’t be understanding of their side o why they were wrong, and are so stubourn you have to do all the apologising to make things better, no matter how understanding they are, they are still not the right one.
Interesting question… but what if the answer is “a bit of both”?
My partner is pretty hot-tempered and I’m sometimes hurt by the way he gets angry at me for making mistakes, but then he always cools down and tries to help me any way he can – be it through advice, listening, or helping me solve the problem I created. He never acts superior or takes any pleasure from being “right”.
So I’d say it’s not always so black and white…
This is a relationship mini bible. I am so glad I found you. Thank you.
This the realest article i have read on this site. I can relate to everything and helps with some decisions to make. Thanks Thomas
One thing is for sure, all of us have family, partners or friends sometime somewhere putting up with us acting out the lessons we haven’t learned yet…and let’s hope their love has the patience, generosity and compassion to not give up on us.
This definitely wasn’t the ultimate relationship test, pretty disappointing really! So what, some people get a big smug about being right at times; we are all human! The questions you claim do not work are very valid. If your partner claims to like your parents, and treats them politely, why doubt them? If they put you first, why assume they are harboring resentment? That’s just thinking suspiciously!
Geez, this isn’t the “ultimate relationship litmus test”, this is just the “is my partner an asshole test”. Passing it doesn’t mean you’re with the right person, it just means your partner is a decent human being.
Contempt can break any relationship. But not having it does not prove that your relationship will work.
Started out really slow, and seemed to be saying a lot that I’ve read here before. Those last few lines pulled it all together with an audible SNAP, though…
The answer to that one question cuts right to the heart of why my fiancee and I love the way or relationship works. I was pleasantly surprised (BIG understatement) to see validation of our approach to each other.
Thank you for this.
The word that isn’t mentioned anywhere here is shame. Does your partner try to make you feel shame?
Tom, Shaming is definitely a deal breaker.
Love reading your articles. They r thought provoking and promote looking deep into areas we tend to pretend don’t exist, just so we can avoid arguments and/or confrontation. Thank u for helping us understand that we need to be honest w ourselves. Relationship issues seem to be universal, so there’s no need to be embarrassed to confront our own. I always regret it when I don’t follow my instinct.
Thanks, Violet. That is the goal, to stimulate thinking about things we accept as normal or tolerate as acceptable that are actually not healthy in relationships, and to put a premium on honesty with self and others.
What if the answer to this question:
How does your partner treat you when you’re wrong?
Is this:
When it turns out you’re mistaken or had the wrong idea about something, does your partner jump on you, go for the jugular, pound the point home, spike the ball in the end zone, gloat in victory, take joy in your defeat, self-congratulate on superior intellect, and act smug about being right?
And it makes me feel like this:
feel small, stupid, ignorant, and worthless.
Is there any way to overcome this? How can I change things or make things better?
Read “Why Does He Do That?” by Lundy Bancroft (and don’t leave it lying around). Be safe.
I have been with my husband for 10 years and married for 5years. He is very good at blaming me for lots of things. I have spent time again and again explaining that blame is not good at all. I am still trying to figure out the underlying reason for him doing this.
I must say that I love your article and laughed at the one test question rather than 10 or 20 questions.
Thank you!
My former fiance was bipolar. He and others with the same condition are notorious for being hypercritical, verbally abusive. I’d say it’s worth investigating, because this condition is also a major aspect of our downfall.
does being abusive really kills relation
“Avoidance of confrontation even though our principles are at stake…” Great and spot on article….! It got to the point in my relationship that I was willing to just walk away from it because it hurt so much to see my husband and his friend making plans and excluding me….I did not want to fight because I knew that was what his friend wanted …so I just started removing myself further and further away from the situation …and then I was accused by his friend of being unfaithful (when in fact, I was letting them just going to the gym… Read more »
I’m engaged to be married and this speaks huge volumes to me right now. I’ve made recurring mistakes throughout our relationship chasing after those ‘new relationship thrills’ and it’s led me to make bad decisions and set unfair expectations for my fiancee. I don’t think I’ll ever stop craving the infatuation and passion as a new connection offers. That said, perhaps there’s a way for me to develop those expectations into more realistic ones. Maybe this will work out if he gives me another chance….
I don’t know about that third test you reject. I think a strong sexual connection can engender intimacy and know all too well that sexual dissatisfaction is a huge roadblock to it.
Wish I had read this many years ago. I could have saved myself a lot of heartache. It perfectly describes what was wrong with my 8 year relationship. My partner would often point out and revel in my mistakes, often bringing them up years later in social gatherings, to humiliate me just a little bit more. I will certainly keep this in mind if/when I find myself at that relationship crossroads again.
Huh. I guess you’re right. In my defence (and maybe there is no defence) though I tease my partner when he flubs up, I keep it to the innocuous stuff. Like when he completely forgets the name of a mutual friend, or something benign. Often, he’s the first to laugh at himself (one of his greatest qualities, in my eyes, is not taking himself too seriously). Of course, I try to reel in my ego when there’s more serious matters at hand, though I miss the mark sometimes. Do you think couples can poke fun and be respectful depending on… Read more »
Some say teasing shouldn’t happen in relationships, but I believe there is healthy, supportive, self-effacing teasing and nasty, critical, obnoxious teasing. Gentle poking about something you both laugh about is different from making fun of a person’s shortcomings or teasing/mocking as a form of complaining. I think it’s all in the tone and tenor of the teasing—it must be done respectfully and in an overall context of respect.
Wow I was expecting some sappy bit of naval gazing. This however is really good advice.
I’m glad I exceeded your expectations 🙂
Succinct & Wise. Thank you. Relationship with a partner is complicated . As a woman separated after 10 years of marriage, I have to acknowledge my husband’s deep respect , kindness & compassion toward me when I am wrong. The hidden issue out there affecting my marriage and many others I see through my counseling practice is the undiagnosed persons with Aspergers Sydrome. Usually it is not recognized in a parent/partner until a child is diagnosed due to social impairments in school. It’s crazy making to be in such a relationship without understanding the Sydrome &dynamics.Perhaps the Good Men Project… Read more »
Thanks, Kristy. Raises hand over here. 5 years in a relationship, 2 years married, then discovered undiagnosed Aspergers Syndrome. Didn’t see it then, looking back, see it now.
This is an excellent, thoughtful article. I love this website and this article is one of my favorites. So true.
Jessica, Thanks for your comment on the article. I will definitely look into writing something on Aspergers.
Kristy, Thank you for such an excellent comment and for your suggestion of an article on how Aspergers Syndrome affects relationships. I will either write it or see if someone else at The Good Men Project will take it on.
I would really like to see an article on Aspergers Syndrome. Two of my former relationships were effected by this; and like Jessica, I see it later rather than sooner.
If you are going to write about aspergers relationships, please read Dr. K. Marshack’s book, “Going over the edge”. It is about nerotypical people in a relationships with a person on the autism spectrum. There is very little written about this topic and few therpists that understand it but the divorce rate is about 80%.
Oh yes, it is often misdiagnosed at ADD, ADHD or Bipolar
Have you (both) read The Journal of Best Practices? Highly recommended
Another great article.
Thank you, Diane. I appreciate your reading and taking the time to comment here.