Paul Hudson thinks you shouldn’t walk out on love, unless it’s one of the reasons you’re not happy.
By PAUL HUDSON
There is no decision more difficult to make than deciding whether or not the person you have been with, the person you know you once loved, is still the right person for you. When we fall in love, we are often so blinded that we rarely see the person for who he or she really is.
We choose to see only the best and ignore all that we find unsettling. We assume we are made for each other and believe we will always love each other and be together, but that rarely turns out to be the case.
The weeks or months leading to a breakup are the most painful you will experience. It’s the confusion and uncertainty that make you miserable.
It’s not knowing whether you should continue to give the relationship a chance or call it quits that weighs so heavily on your soul.
There are many bad reasons to leave someone, but there are only a few good reasons to move on. Here are eight of them:
You’re unhappy and it’s clearly because of the relationship.
The relationships we have with people affect us differently in accordance with the importance we give them. The closer we are with someone, the more we love and care for that person and the heavier the relationship weighs on our consciousness.
The status of our relationship will greatly affect the way we feel and our entire perspective on life. If a relationship is making you miserable, making you feel worthless and continuously sad, then no one can blame you for calling it quits.
The good times are outweighed by the bad.
All relationships have their highs and lows. The fluctuations are a natural part. However, when the lows dominate your relationship, something isn’t right.
The reason you started seeing your partner in the first place was because of how great the relationship made you feel.
You loved your partner because of all the good times you had, all the fun you had, and all the wonderful memories you created. If the only memories you are now creating sting your heart and bring tears to your eyes, then your best option may be to walk out the door and leave it behind.
You don’t see yourself spending your life with your partner.
You should not be a part of a relationship for the sake of being in a relationship. Yes, we all want to feel wanted and loved, but if the relationship won’t amount to anything, what’s the point?
In our day and age, getting attention and/or getting laid is not difficult. Why pretend that someone means something to you when that’s clearly not the case? It isn’t fair to that person and it isn’t fair to you. You’re only setting yourself up for pain and problems.
You have lost your trust in your partner.
Trust is the foundation that all loving relationships are built upon – without it, we have nothing. If you cannot trust the people in your life, then you are doing something wrong. You are making and keeping the wrong company.
Without trust, a relationship is completely worthless. If the person you’re with has broken your trust and you don’t believe it to be reparable, or if this person doesn’t even make an effort to repair it, then it’s not worth your time.
Your partner doesn’t treat you the way you deserve to be treated.
How do you deserve to be treated? With respect. You deserve to be respected as a human being and you deserve to be loved for being the wonderful, unique person you are. If your partner doesn’t respect you, then you’re being taken for granted.
There’s no reason to allow yourself to be with such a person. There are people out there who will love you for you. You just need to find them.
Your partner cheated on you.
I understand some people are willing to give cheaters a second — even third — chance. I’m not one of those people. However, I can understand others when they decide to forgive and move past such episodes.
I believe that doing so always causes problems, as few people ever actually move past and forget what was done. Yet, if you can do so then some people may deserve to be given one more chance. But… no one can blame you for leaving someone willing to do that to you.
You fell in love with someone else.
It happens. You’ve been with a person for a while and then someone else comes into your life and takes your breath away. We can’t always help whom we fall in love with, and when it happens, we should follow our hearts.
If you fall in love with another while you are still with someone, then it’s better to go with your newfound love; you never really loved the first person to begin with.
You’re not capable of loving your partner the way your partner deserves to be loved.
If anyone understands letting someone go because you can’t be the person that someone deserves to be with, it’s me.
You may love your partner with all of your heart, but when you know you’re neither in the right place nor the right state of mind to be the person your partner needs you to be, then you must let your partner go.
If you can’t be the love of your partner’s life, the person your partner has always dreamed of and the person your partner deserves to be loved by, then make the difficult choice and let your partner go.
It will be hard. It will be painful. It will stick with you for most of – if not all of – your life, but it’s the right thing to do. There is no greater act of love than to love without any benefit to yourself.
They call it unconditional love.
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Originally appeared at Elite Daily.
By Paul Hudson
A young writer, philosopher, and entrepreneur, Paul Hudson (@MrPaulHudson) has been writing for Elite Daily nearly since the start. Currently located in Manhattan, Paul Hudson primarily devotes his time between writing for Elite Daily and a mining startup in Turkey. He loves sharing his life experiences with his readers and makes sure to practice what he preaches.
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Holy cow, this was written by the biggest martyr ever. If you love someone, but feel like you can’t give them the love they deserve, you’d best spend some time in counselling to find out why you don’t feel your love is enough for that person. It totally presumes that the love you’re giving isn’t enough for the other person – without the conversation. Relationships are work. Shitty advice like this just breaks the hearts of those with people who really should be seeing a counsellor not taking crappy advice from a website.
hmm…wow, why are you here, expert? Sometimes love is not enough. And sometimes you love too much and it is not being reciprocated. Sometimes, the love you give is not enough. Sometimes you do not know how to love at all even if you think you do. And vice versa. Many reasons. Did you actually read this article fully? I think you missed something. Don’t be so judgmental. If this is not the advice you came here for, move on to a better site or maybe make your own, since you are such an expert…geez.
Horrible advice.. follow your heart if you fall in love with someone else?? Have you heard of polyamory? It is quite normal to be in love with multiple people. It doesn’t mean you don’t love your current partner any less. WOW. Great advice! The retards who follow this will have great love lives.
Full agreemenr. I immediately noticed that was bad advice and it called in to question the rest of the article.
I intend no disrespect, if you’re into polyamory, great for you! I’m rooting for you! However, some of us, such as myself, prefer to be in a sole relationship. I simply don’t have the time or energy to give both people what they deserve. I think what the author meant, and I am not the author, so I can’t say for sure, but the way I understood it, it is saying that if you love your partner, but you are IN LOVE with someone else, go to the someone else. You are allowed to put you first. Now, like I… Read more »
I let my first real love go in april on 2016 when I was going through so much and I knew she deserved better. Lately all I can think about is her and how she has thanked me and moved onto someone else and im still here hoping that in the end I’ll be the man she deserves and she will gravitate back to me.
Feel a bit better after reading this I tick most these boxes, my partner has always expected me to do everything for her with no gratitude. She cheated on me and I had to spend hours just trying to explain why she owed me and apology. Problem is I love her and we have a kid. But I can’t be treated like this anymore. I’m not happy. Thanks.
How about when you two have conflicting beliefs. A breakup is excusable in that instance.
I appreciate the list and agree with most or the points on it. I have another dilemma which my seem selfish to some but i’m suffocating here and don’t know what to do. My partner has had MS for over 16 years and although not wheelchair ridden, is dependent on me for everyday matters. We’ve been together for 20 years and believe me, my love is as sincere as it gets. I am here 100%, have never been unfaithful and never had the urge to leave. Recently (the past two years), the illness has worsened and the treatment I receive… Read more »
You should maybe leave her since she cheated on you and therefore doesn’t deserve your love and care anymore no matter how miserable she is…And maybe it’s time for you to move on and find your own happiness…
But if you still love her and are willing to sacrifice more, then it’s your own choice. But make sure you guys talk about things like who would be taking care of her if something happened to you.
I dont know if you are out there or will receive this. You sound like an amazing person and it blows my mind how much commitment you have dedicated to that person and making their world go round. It’s your life and your call just dont waste time regretting or beating yourself up. Think about what feels right to you and act on it. Best of luck to you if you’re still out there.
Hello! I am very sorry for what you have been going through. I am young, but this is my advice – you deserve to put you first. If you are unhappy and miserable, and especially if you are being mistreated, it is time to let the relationship go. Like I said before, I am young- only 15 – but I wish you the best of luck!
That only let’s every person out of every relationship that they want out of ever. THanks so much
I don’t think this article perpetuates the ‘throwaway society” mentality at all. i’m in a 17 year suddenly troubled relationship and the title caught my eye because I’m in a dilemma now of how to end it without causing hurt….we have been in love for 16 of the 17 years but it’s clear it”s drawing to an end and has run its course, but that doesn’t lessen the sadness of it. I wasn’t bothered by a “numbered list” and just deciphered the information given rather than critiqued the information offered, which seems to be the norm more than anything these… Read more »
This list seems to be pretty juvenile.
This is why we need unconditional love.
I disagree. When you want children and your partner doesn’t, it’s best to leave and pursue your dreams with someone else or on your own, lest you end up bitter and sad when it’s too late to get children.
The article was someone’s opinion. Just like the comments were opinions. Kallie, you can’t say what the real rules are. Because your rules are YOURS. You’re not living for everyone else. The article, and then the opinions of most of the commentators, are all sanctimonious bull. Concentrate on your relationship. Don’t assume what works for you works for anyone else. Don’t think you know a person’s reasons for leaving or staying. Help with an open heart if you’re asked to help. If not don’t pass judgement on the people involved in a break up. Who gives a flying fuck what… Read more »
I’m not sure if you see the hypocrisy of your comment or not. It’s kind of hard to participate without giving “your” opinion and thus walk the line of everything you just called out. So, obviously what follows is mine. If the goal is to find a life partner and to do so, hopefully, without making the wrong choice or at the very least as few wrong choices as possible. But ideally to learn to commit to making only one choice right or wrong, to know one can’t possibly have all the answers but instead have complete understanding of and… Read more »
This is supposed to be a ‘project’ in making ‘good men’. There should be some standards. A unifying theme among contributions, perhaps?
You can’t set yourself up as an authority then fall back on ‘it’s just my opinion’
This post is humorous because you’re being judgmental about them being judgmental 🙂
All I hear when I read this article are excuses; reasons for people to not look at their issues and deal with the problems that prevent a relationship from reaching its fullest potential. There’s one reason and one reason only that relationships fail and that is either one or both of the people involved cannot or will not deal with their personal issues; the baggage that prevents them from showing up in the relationship in the most effective way. Domestic violence, cheating, all of the reasons listed here and many more can be linked to the root cause of people… Read more »
“There’s one reason and one reason only that relationships fail and that is either one or both of the people involved cannot or will not deal with their personal issues; the baggage that prevents them from showing up in the relationship in the most effective way.”
The most profound, helpful, and meaningful thing I read here. Thank you!
These rules are fine for dating but NOT at all applicable if you’re married. Actually they are just CRAP rules if you are married. My husband and I have been married over twenty years we have five children ranging in age from 19 to 5. LET ME GIVE YOU THE TRUTH: We were married at 19 years old in 1993. We have promised to love each other, be kind and never cheat on one another for the rest of our lives ( we have never cheated but all the other promises were broken) We have been mean once in a… Read more »
This article says much ,yes true i have tried with him i did all i could financially supported him,emotionally to get over his Ex wife that cheated on him but he always complain giving me excuses ,comparing me to other women and i discovered he has a relation to other woman because she gave him more money.he made me cry so much and each time coming back asking for forgiveness and because of my deep love i forgive him but last time told me that there is a woman wants a life with me i said what about me ,4… Read more »
Huh. 6 out of 8 ain’t bad.
Not sure that I agree with all of this, but I wholeheartedly agree with #1 and #8. I became so very, very sad with my ex. Even when I was happy, inside I was so weighed down by our marriage. And re: #8 — that is why he let me go, even though it hurt both of us. He did the right thing.
Very poor advice in this article. Good Men Project should be looking to include writers who have professional experience in the field of relationships as either therapists or researchers to write articles giving advice on these topics.
You’re so right
“In our day and age, getting attention and/or getting laid is not difficult.”
Speak for yourself, man. Otherwise, good article.
I’m sorry but this lost is shallow and uninformed. This is the lazy Americanized excuses all people give and it’s why the divorce rate is so high in this country.
Relationships ebbs and flows. There are times when of each partner is more loving than she other and there are times when the reverse is true.
You should write an article about how to overcome these issues because they will most likely come up in every relationship. No one is perfect. This article is definitely not perfect either.
Completely agree with Steven, and let me just say when it comes to marriage this list is bullshit! This is what’s wrong with couples today. We give people an easy out instead of teaching people to stick it out and work on the relationship. Now granted, yes, there are exceptions: violence, abuse, fear of danger, etc. But my point is when you commit yourself to someone, in marriage, you work it out and don’t give up.
This seems to be a fairly comprehensive list of “every reason someone might ever consider leaving.” Perhaps it would be more useful if Paul Hudson summarized the reason he doesn’t think we should leave people we love. “Because they left the cap off the toothpaste?” That said this has a cloying assumption of monogamy that I find suffocating. It absolutely assumes the purpose of love is to settle down together, have a relationship, and stay together for life. “I understand some people are willing to give cheaters a second — even third — chance. I’m not one of those people.”… Read more »
THANK YOU.
You saved me the trouble of writing my comment saying the same thing. I was going to more concise and say, “So EVERYONE ANYTIME then?”
I largely agree with your points. But ‘smug’ serial monogamy? C’mon, with the way things are today ‘serial’ monogamy is the best most men can hope for. It’s women who are doing the leaving.
There are so many flaws with this article, I can’t know, and don’t have the time to respond. I’ll just say, our society has surely put love “at a discount.” That kind of “love” is not “love” with the large case “L.” There are a few reasons to walk away…FEW. Otherwise, make the premium of your life FAITHFULNESS and integrity to your commitments, and one day, leave this world with your self-respect intact.
Most of these reasons, if you are already married, are not excusable reasons to walk out on a relationship. These are lazy excuses for not wanting to work on a relationship and follow through on the committment. Your partner doesn’t treat you well, if you are talking domestic violence or verbal abuse, by all means, leave no matter the type of relationship. Otherwise, if you are married and your partner is willing to work things out with you, then you should see a counselor and put a little effort into it. Saw a picture going around that showed a guy… Read more »
Says the author doesn’t think you should walk out on love but then lists the typical shallow reason most people do. He furthers the articles with some type of quasi-relationship counseling and pads the list with a touch of experience. My favorite is the closing, “Unconditional Love”. I am not sure that this author truly understands unconditional love or he may not have even bother giving pass to quitters. This article is cohesive with the ideals of this website? Good men don’t leave relationships for these reasons, if they even leave. Good men don;t start something they don’t intend on… Read more »
Amen My Name Doesn’t Matter… I couldn’t have said it better myself.
JanetJ and mynamedoesntmatter – While I agree, many of these reasons could be qualified as shallow, I took the list a little differently. For example “more bad times than good”. When my relationship was in it’s younger years, I started to suspect we’d partnered up because we were more similar with our ‘bad habits’ than we were with our ‘good habits’. I’ve struggled over the years to hope, work, cajole and therapy us into awareness about this and 15+ years later, it largely is the same issue. I wish that we could all acknowledge how sometimes, we can’t address certain… Read more »
SP, I agree with you. I do not think this is just saying throw it all away. I think it’s saying that if your relationship is clearly not working, than instead of beating a dead horse, so to speak, maybe you two really aren’t right for each other.
I have to disagree with most of this article. If you were in love with someone & married them most of these are horrible reasons to leave your significant other, with a little effort most of these issues can be fixed. The 1st one is quite often what people blame their unhappiness on, & then after they split & do soul searching they realize it was many more issues then just ‘I’m not in the right relationship’. It is critical to understand that it seldom is the relationship that makes someone unhappy but events that occur during the relationship. Your… Read more »
Yes I agree.
Also, Domestic violence was not on the list but maybe that comes under “your partner doesn’t treat you the right way”?
Cheers
Amen Janet J…
Thank you. I think this is a terrible article, very much along the lines of our current “throw away” society. Very soon there will be no one left alive who sticks things out, fixes things and keeps their vows.
And that’s the truth! This article is garbage. This article justifies present day “quit it” and “ditch it” attitudes … not good! Infidelity – yes maybe – depends because this can be resolved and forgiven … domestic violence- I can see for safety reason.