For adult children of alcoholics, trying to be perfect and a people-pleaser comes with weak boundaries.
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Addicted, dysfunctional and chaotic families are a breeding ground for perfectionism. Therapists and addictions counselors often talk about alcoholism (or any addiction) as a family disease because it affects everyone in the family. As I’m sure you’re aware, an addict’s behavior has far reaching consequences for his/her family, especially the children.
Alcoholic homes can be unpredictable and harsh. Some children learn that the best way to cope is to become a “perfect” child. This is actually a very smart and adaptive strategy. Trying to be perfect becomes a way to avoid harsh criticism and unwanted attention. When you’re trying to fly under the radar in order to avoid punishment, criticism, or abuse, perfectionism serves this goal.
Although perfectionism may have served you well as a child, it isn’t without its problems.
“Perfect” children are overly compliant people-pleasers. You kept the peace by trying to make everyone else happy all of the time. In the process, you lose your own identity and the ability to ask for and receive what you really need. Your needs always come last.
People-pleasing creates weak boundaries. You tend to overextend yourself in order to please others, which ultimately leads to burnout and resentment.
And you over work yourself to pursue goals and achievements at any cost. Throwing yourself into work or school can become an escape and a way to bury your feelings. Striving for perfection and success became a way to prove your worth and to avoid criticism from your parents and yourself.
Children in alcoholic families often become super responsible out of necessity. You may have had to take care of your addicted or co-dependent parents and/or your younger siblings. You learned early on that others are unreliable and untrustworthy.
It made sense to only count on yourself.
And because you were unfairly blamed and criticized as a child, you internalized these negative beliefs and now are overly harsh with yourself. You expect perfection from yourself and since this isn’t possible, you fall into harsh self-criticize, feelings of guilt, hopelessness, and low self-worth at the slightest mistake or failure.
Some of the common Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACA) traits are:
- people-pleasing
- perfectionism
- fear of abandonment or rejection
- taking care of others to feel worthy
- all or nothing thinking
- struggles with identity
- trying to control others
- poor boundaries
- difficulty trusting
- not feeling “good enough”
- “stuffing” or avoiding feelings
- self-criticism
- being passive or feeling guilty when you assertive yourself
- being tense and having a hard time relaxing and having fun
- sensitivity to criticism from others
If you’re a perfectionist who grew up in an alcoholic family, remember that perfectionism was a coping strategy. It was helpful when you were a child. It was the best strategy you could come up with. In other words, it was an understandable and normal response to a chaotic and confusing upbringing.
Now, it’s time to ask yourself if your perfectionism still serves you well. Or is it time to let go of perfectionism and find new coping strategies? Hopefully you are no longer living with an addict (but if you are, realize you have more choices as an adult). Your perfectionist coping strategies became habits. With work, you can change your habits if they no longer serve you. You can begin to invite fun and self-compassion into your life. You can accept mistakes and not be so harsh with yourself.
The first step in any change is acknowledging that something isn’t working well in your life: Perfectionism is causing you pain and suffering. From here, you can start to set goals and take action. Change is possible!
Resources:
Adult Children of Alcoholics
Co-Dependents Anonymous
National Association for Children of Alcoholics (UK)
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This post was previously published on PsychCentral.com and is republished on Medium.
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Photo: iStockphoto
I’ve heard that psychological childhood traumas may never be healed. Also, based on information here http://stop-alcoholism.com/the-children-of-alcoholics/ it appears that children of alcoholics often can’t handle the consequences by themselves. It can be very difficult to them to overcome their perfectionism against the other problems.