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Laura Gates has listened to the deep dark fears of powerful men. And she knows what their hearts truly yearn for.
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On a recent business trip a colleague introduced me to an old college friend she hadn’t seen in 20 years. While we stood talking at the rooftop bar overlooking the city skyline, I listened intently as my colleague’s friend shared his struggle finding purpose and meaning in his work.
I offered a few insights and he suddenly turned to me and said. “I just want to lay my head on your chest and tell you everything.”
While some people might have been offended, I took his impulsive reaction as a compliment. Clearly, he felt safe with me, like I was someone with whom he could rest his world-weary soul and unburden his troubles. I’ve been coaching men for over 20 years now, and, although not exactly said in those words, I know this is what many of my clients are desperately seeking: A loving and unconditional safe harbor where they can lower their defenses, metaphorically rest in my arms, and talk about whatever is causing pain in their hearts without fear of ridicule, retribution or rebuke.
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In the last 20 years, I’ve heard a lot. Some days I imagine myself as a priest sitting in a virtual confessional as I sit in my office on the phone and coach my clients around the world.
I’ve listened to the deep dark fears men hate to admit.
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This morning I listened empathetically to a client who is struggling with his new boss (an additional layer added between him and his previous boss, which was threatening to his ego as it is) who accused him of being defensive, which of course caused him to be defensive, and only served to affirm the new boss’s beliefs.
I’ve listened patiently when a European client called at midnight from his hotel room in Dubai to tell me he’d found out his wife was cheating on him. I’ve listened to another client struggle over whether or not to leave his lover as the pain of lying to his children about his frequent out of town trips outweighed the pleasure of the affair. And I’ve sat across the desk of a CEO for hours over glasses of Scotch and a box of tissues, listening to his despair as his marriage and company were simultaneously dissolving.
I’ve listened to the deep dark fears men hate to admit – the fear of failing, of no longer feeling sexually attracted to their wife, of being fired, being found out a fraud. The fear of being seen as needy, weak, vulnerable, irrelevant, a pushover or, on the flip side, an arrogant asshole who everyone is waiting to see fall flat on his face.
Can you imagine the loneliness and isolation of being the most powerful person in the room and feeling completely powerless?
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I’ve witnessed the pain of their stories of loved ones suffering and feeling powerless to fix it – children becoming drug addicts or diagnosed bi-polar or terminally ill, teenagers getting pregnant, aging parents who can no longer remember their name.
Can you imagine the loneliness and isolation of being the most powerful person in the room and feeling completely powerless? Of being unable to trust a single soul around you to have your back at the Monday morning staff meeting and yet being utterly dependent on them for your success?
Terrifying.
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It is a tremendous gift when we are able to be fully present for another human being in times of pain and suffering without moving to fix or solve or push away the emotion. Our culture is so emotionally averse, we deny those moments when actually diving in to them can produce a depth of connection and healing that’s transformational for the soul.
We all deserve someone we can talk to who is not expecting a result or demanding a return on investment. Someone who won’t judge us or use what we say against us in a board meeting, or admonish us for missing yet another Little League game.
I cherish those sacred moments when trust has been established with another human being. When a true and honest connection is made. And it can be in an instant. Saying that trust takes time to build is, in my experience, ridiculous.
I live for the moments when the façade drops, pretense falls away and someone says to me a in a low voice, “I’ve never told anyone this before, but…”
This is when I know a sacred bond of confidentiality has been formed, and we shift into a different experience of time and space. Breathing slows, the heart opens and my senses are tuned to “Listen Only” mode. I imagine myself an empty vessel, a channel of divine love, a listening ear of the Universe. I can practically feel the person’s ancestors leaning in saying “Yes, he’s getting it, he’s ready to release this painful story and heal generations of pain and suffering.”
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Like the time I was delayed at LAX several years ago and a delightful young man sat next to me at the bar. We struck up a conversation about a book he was reading. He bought me a beer and told me he’d recently returned from Afghanistan.
“What was that like?” I asked, holding my breath, unsure if I really wanted to know at all what it was like to be on the ground, in a war in the Middle East.
I wanted to know what it was like to kill someone,” he admitted.
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“I wanted to go,” he said, lowering his eyes, his sun-bleached hair falling into his face. “I wanted that experience.”
“Oh, really? Why?” I tried not to appear intrusive.
“I enlisted in the Army because I wanted to know what it was like to kill someone,” he admitted.
The air left my lungs and I felt suspended in time. This young man in front of me looked like your typical California surfer dude. The words did not match the image in my mind of a killer. But I was in this far, I couldn’t turn back now.
“And, so did you, you know… kill anyone?” I asked.
He nodded slowly.
I assumed this meant it was probably many someones.
“And what was that like?” I pressed.
“Not at all what I expected.” He seemed relieved to be able to talk about it.
“There wasn’t the satisfaction I was looking for. I was very angry after 9-11. I wanted payback. I wanted to go to Iraq and get revenge. But by the time I got through boot camp, we were pulling out of Iraq and I got sent to Afghanistan instead. Things weren’t really what I imagined.”
We spoke some more about his desire now to heal himself and heal others, the memories that haunt his dreams and the pictures he can’t get out of his head. And eventually our planes were called and we went our separate ways.
I feel we are engaging in a soul retrieval of sorts, a reclamation of the bits and pieces scattered along the road that got left behind.
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But for that brief period of time, I knew my job was to simply bear witness. To hold space, be a loving, unconditional witness to this young man’s pain. And the funny thing is, although I’m not a fan of war and killing people, I had no judgment of him. None. It was like his story and his logic made perfect sense to me, and that his journey was exactly what he’d signed up for in this lifetime for the spiritual lessons his soul needed to learn to evolve. All I could feel towards him was loving compassion.
With each person who invites me in, bestows their trust upon me and shares vulnerably, my heart grows a little bigger. And instead of taking on the burden of their pain, I feel we are engaging in a soul retrieval of sorts, a reclamation of the bits and pieces scattered along the road that got left behind.
As they share their stories, we gather up the pieces, gluing back the fragmented shards of shattered glass until they are once again whole and ready to take on the next set of life challenges awaiting them. And I have the satisfaction of walking away feeling that my soul has also been healed, that in the witnessing of others pain, I am fulfilling part of my destiny in this lifetime as well.
Photo: Flickr/kev-shine
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Yes, a very interesting article. Not least because nowhere in it is the word ‘leader’ used. And that’s important. I don’t doubt that many of the men are powerful; I am sure they are ‘in charge’. But being in charge isn’t the same as being a leader. The man who is suffering “the loneliness and isolation of being the most powerful person in the room and feeling completely powerless” is a classic example of the person who mistakes being in charge for leadership. He is done no favours when other people collude with him in this mistake (which is why… Read more »
Abstaining from judgement is not easy. For decades you have practiced and honed your executive coaching skills with the most powerful leaders in the nation. . Thanks for sharing your perspective with us. There’s a lot we can learn from your eperience.
Bobbi, thank you. Agreed, staying neutral on this topic is a challenge. (Staying neutral in general is a challenge!) Thanks for your comments and being here.
This is a joke right?
Can you imagine the loneliness and isolation of being the most powerful person in the room and feeling completely powerless?
Absolutely, if it’s anything like being a Black female and feeling the isolation and loneliness of being the LEAST powerful person in the room and feeling completely powerless.
@ Mahogany,
Ditto! Seriously.
If it is so horrible for these people (While males in power), then why don’t they step aside? Because they LOVE it so!
Mahogany, in no way am I taking away the powerlessness others feel. As a woman in the business world there have been many times I felt powerless. I am simply saying this is how (some of) the men I work with feel and I think it can be surprising to others that they do in fact feel that way given their position of power. I also coach black women leaders. This article Jules, for what it’s worth, is not ONLY about white males in positions of leadership. I work with men of all races and cultural backgrounds. The whole point… Read more »
For the record, Laura, that’s exactly what I got out of it. The attitude that because someone is in a position of leadership, they are not allowed to feel vulnerable, alone or afraid is absolutely ludicrous. And dangerous.
People need to remember: not everyone who is in a position of leadership chooses to be there – eldest children who have to step in and raise their siblings when their parents die, for example…I know several men who have been in this situation.
In our society it is difficult for men to take the caring / home maker route, or to be valued for who we are, rather than what we can do.
Mike – I have many men in my life personally who chose to stay home and women I coach whose husbands stay home as there is a financial leverage to that. It is a challenging role change, and also what I see with the men in my life who are the stay at home parent, they are so overjoyed with the experience. It’s been wonderful to witness. Not the norm, for sure, but things are shifting. Slowly.
Danielle, as an oldest child I love your example! The feeling of responsibility and that others got to have “fun” while I had to be the “grown up” certainly speaks to me in your comment. I do have what I call “accidental leaders” the “what, who me?” syndrome. Which is also not helpful because they aren’t owning the power they have, which can have its own downsides!
Wonderfully said.
Earlier today Laura shared this link with me, I told her that I was surprised to read about myself, that is while none of the situations she relates in this piece is me, they are all me. Change a few details and I see myself all through this piece, it allowed me to connect with my emotions and I honestly had to let it flow through me, I am still a little raw, but I am better for it. I was a high performer my entire career, in general I thought things were “easy”. I was always known for building… Read more »
Thanks Ray for commenting here and giving us an insight into your experiences.
Your article is beautifully written Laura. And what a gift to have an open heart and an ear tuned to the healing power of “just” listening. Your focus here is on men, but the desire and need for (paraphrasing your words) … a loving and unconditional safe harbor where one can lower defenses, metaphorically rest, and talk about whatever is causing pain in their hearts without fear of ridicule, retribution or rebuke… is clearly not bounded by gender. Thank you for giving so freely – to men and women – of your abundant gifts!
Thanks Kim. And yes. So clearly we all need this.
Thank you for writing this, and for being that listening person so many of us need.
One small objection to your text would be that it is not only what male “leaders” desperately want or need.
FlyingKal – I am clear we all need this (myself included :)). I am not excluding anyone, just making a point about one subset of the population I spend a lot of time with and realized there was something to say about it. I really appreciate you reading this piece and commenting here. I think the world needs more listening, that’s for sure!
Thanks Laura for confirming I’m on the right track of ministering to the needs of men. The problems you have shared I have experienced from your client perspective. I learned a few years ago that the broken become masters at mending. So my focus is to serve men as you describe. Many men are islands and they need to find a safe harbor from their isolation.
Dr. Norris – “I learned a few years ago that the broken become masters at mending” beautifully said. We need your work in the world.
Laura, I hope you’re doing the same sort of listening for women leaders. Now I hope that these male leaders will admit that they need to pay their wives back for their sacrifices and become househusbands. As lonely as these male leaders feel, most of them would feel demeaned if they took middle class jobs or become full-time fathers.
MB. Yes I work with women leaders, and listen equally to them. Some of whom have “househusbands” at home who enable them to excel at work. In this article I chose to focus on the aspect of the pain I experience men feel. This does not exclude others pain by any means.
One of the most profound experiences I have had is a 10 day silent meditation retreat. Vipassana. I recommend it for EVERYONE! I am very appreciative of therapy and other methods of support and “soul retrieval”! And yet…. we want a revolution of humanity! And we want it to happen sooner than later. Not that these “things” don’t take time and, no, there is not a destination…. and yet… if their were a destination…. I would choose “less suffering”… well let’s expedite the journey a little shall we?! Less warfare… less rape…. less environmental destruction…. less child slave labor…. less… Read more »
Laura – I have experienced the power of silence (I have yet to do a 10-day Vipassana – impressive!) There are so many paths to this “revolution of humanity” as you say and I am all for expediting the journey!
As a culture we’ve created these fears in leaders but expecting them to be all powerful, all knowing, machines. Then we’ve compounded these problems by expecting men to be leaders regardless of whether or not they are talented in that way or even wish to be. We need to have different values of what makes a good leader but that takes generations to do. Listening is a good start to realizing that a good leader (of any gender) is not a machine and is not perfect.
Tammy Jo – thanks for the comments here. I love that you point out what we have created “as a culture” it is a collective issue that we all play a part in. What we project on to leaders, how we place people in positions of power and either cede the power to them, or don’t give them the power we bestowed in the first place. And I agree that we need different values and “measures” of leadership. I am hoping things can evolve as more of us become aware of this challenge. (I personally am feeling a time pressure… Read more »
Great post, Laura. “We all deserve to be listened to without judgement.” Yes. And yet, it is my observation also, that few among us, no matter how much power is yielded at the office, feel deserving. I’m glad you’re turning the focus to stories of men here, how they share, with women, the need to be heard, even when it’s unexpressed. The truth and depth of stories you present reveal much about the pain and isolation that many males–leaders and others–experience. It’s time to move the silent suffering out of the shadows.
Gail – yes that lack of feeling deserving is our inner work which will then shift the outer reality. My experience – with men and women – is when we feel whole we don’t have this need to either prove ourselves or diminish others in any way. It’s this shadow side of being a leader I am hoping we can shift – and also to remove the projections we have of leaders and authority figures that prevents us from truly relating from a human place. Thanks for adding to the conversation here and my thinking on the topic!
What you say is true. It is soul retrieval to witness and not fix others in our lives. I can so relate to your experience with men in regards to my 35 years with my man—the shift from wanting him to be other than who he is to loving his vulnerable self and holding his perceived failures with love has been a spiritual journey of extraordinary measure. As more women learn to do this it sets not only them free but also ourselves. Great article Laura!
Gwendolyn I appreciate how you express your own spiritual journey in support of the masculine journey. This is what I strongly feel that we need to each embrace our part on this path – male/female – sharing our vulnerability and realizing that not one “side” or the other has the answers or the right “way” to do things. And yes, this is what will liberate all of us from these expectations that don’t allow vulnerability to emerge.
Wow….just wow!
Thanks Michelle.
This was amazingly eye-opening. I had no idea. No wonder my husband appreciates when I thank him for going to work and supporting our family!
We need your insight.
Thank you Renee. Yes I definitely find this practice (of listening, non-judgement, acceptance) is powerful on the home front (and not as easy when it’s personal and not a client!). I appreciate your reading and commenting on this. Laura
So incredibly well and compassionately written. Brilliant stuff here.
Thank you Becky.
I think what you are seeing is the worst case scenario of the Frederick Douglas quote, “It is easier to build strong children than to repair broken men.” It would be quick to just say that these guys are looking for justification for their horrible actions and a chance to unburden themselves but there is more going on. Simply put when these men were boys they were denied the tools needed to build or seek out systems of support to help him during such hard times. Its real easy to score some argumentative points and just say that that CEO… Read more »
Danny – great quote. Yes many people I’ve encountered (and by the way not all white and not all privileged) are products of their upbringing – in a culture of competition, needing to be the best, denying emotion and being “strong.” I like how you express this “And it doesn’t help that all too often the very thing that left him incomplete is used against him as justification to ignore his incompleteness.” Thanks for your input on this topic.
(and by the way not all white and not all privileged) Agreed its just that most of the time when talking about men in generalizations we all suddenly become white, cis, hetero, able bodied. Sorry if I implied that you were doing that. I like how you express this “And it doesn’t help that all too often the very thing that left him incomplete is used against him as justification to ignore his incompleteness.” Thanks. Just an observation that I think a lot of guys can identify with. In one breath we are told that we are so well off… Read more »
Danny, you voiced what I was thinking. Thanks for posting. Men who already know how to trust and can share power are going to be much stronger and less brittle than the men Laura is counceling.
Happy to oblige Kitti.
@ Danny,
” But when you consider that that guy was literally raised to believe that his only value is how much money he could make, how power he could obtain, and how much in terms of material wealth he could provide for his family its no wonder he’s not whole.”
Worse yet, his belief in this value is CONFIRMED by larger society and women (female hypergamy).
Uh, he said “chest,” not “arms.” :v
He said “chest”, not “boobs”. Mothers pull their children to their chest when they need comforting. The reason for this is because during pregnancy, the child hears the mother’s heartbeat and is constantly comforted by the sound. Once the baby is born, he still lays on the mother’s chest so that he can be comforted by her heartbeat. As the child grows, the mother still pulls the child to her chest as to comfort him out of habit. This is where that statement came from. I’m pretty sure it’s known around the world.
Olivia, I had not seen this in that light, that is a wonderful summary of the power of what I am sure this person was truly seeking in that interaction, thank you.
What an incredibly heartfelt post Laura. You beautifully captured what we all want and need but especially men — to lower the facade and be unconditionally heard!
Thanks Lisa, I truly believe what you say here, that this is what we all want and need, for sure. Thanks for the comments and thoughts.
Great article. So much wisdom here. Thank you.
Thank you Maureen for reading and commenting, I appreciate the support.
Wow! Laura. Thank you so much for this beautifully written piece. You have described everything that I feel in my heart about my work with men. It’s wonderful to find someone who has the same experience. It’s such important work and we are blessed to be able to do it.
Bettina, thank you. It is nice to meet a kindred spirit on the path. I am eager to hear more about the work you are doing.
This is a fascinating peek into the minds of men in leadership. I’ve often thought about this … thought about how our society hates “the man” (b/c let’s be honest the men who collectively comprise “the man” have done some pretty terrible stuff). But if the conversation is that we need to let one another out of our limiting boxes that hurt us ALL, that means trying to understand what it’s like for those men and what they might be hiding or needing to talk about. I think we ALL need a soft place to fall. it’s okay for our… Read more »
Cris
I am so aligned with what you wrote here “let one another out of our limiting boxes that hurt us ALL, that means trying to understand what it’s like for those men and what they might be hiding or needing to talk about.” We need to break down the pervasive Us vs. Them of men and women/race and gender/all the polarizing opposites that cause us to not fully be creating the life/planet/future we need to survive as a species (the WHOLE human species).
Laura
I adore your story. We need more of this kind of work in our world! This especially resonates with me: “But for that brief period of time, I knew my job was to simply bear witness. To hold space, be a loving, unconditional witness to this young man’s pain.” and “With each person who invites me in, bestows their trust upon me and shares vulnerably, my heart grows a little bigger. And instead of taking on the burden of their pain, I feel we are engaging in a soul retrieval of sorts, a reclamation of the bits and pieces scattered… Read more »
Camilla,
Thanks for mirroring back to me what was powerful in this piece for you. I’m glad it spoke to you.
Laura
Beautifully written, Laura. This line, especially resonated with me today: “It is a tremendous gift when we are able to be fully present for another human being in times of pain and suffering without moving to fix or solve or push away the emotion.”
Holding that space for another is such a gift. It’s also an “art” to be cultivated. We are, indeed, on a path of soul retrieval. I can feel it.
Thank you Sue Ann, I appreciate your comments. I agree with holding space as art, a skill to cultivate. It truly takes a commitment and practice, especially when we have so many distractions pulling at our energy and so many easy “outs” to not “go there.”