Lasara Firefox Allen asks men to imagine these words of heartfelt female advice are coming from a lover.
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Hey guys, I know you sometimes feel mystified by what is desired from you. And it’s not like I can clear all that up in a few simple words. Hell, I’m pretty sure we’ve been working on this one since the dawn of time.
But I’m also pretty sure we’re starting to get somewhere with all this. Men and women have never before had quite the opportunity we have right now to build a whole new way of relating. A new way, based on some pretty old truths, mixed with some brand-spankin’-new ideas.
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I may be a dreamer, but I say there’s a chance we can get past the wounding you and I have both endured, and grow into shared desire, honesty, truth, and trust.
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I may be a dreamer, but I say there’s a chance we can get past the wounding you and I have both endured, and grow into shared desire, honesty, truth, and trust. Here are a few steps to start you on your journey down that sometimes challenging, always rewarding, path.
For the duration of this article, you may want to imagine your lover speaking these words to you. (If you want confirmation of the veracity of these claims, ask for her feedback.) Or if it’s more entertaining for you, you can pretend I’m your lover, and that we’re sitting somewhere comfortable and having a sweet conversation.
Ready? Here are ten secret turn-ons that may change your life forever.
Turn-On # 1: Presence is Everything
Get totally present. Allow this moment, right here, right now, to be the only thing happening in the whole of time and space. Just for now let the world fall away around us.
This state of grace only lasts a moment at a time, but that moment goes a long way towards filling a well that we both want to drink from. Take the time, and let’s let the levels rise together.
This focus is a great way to greet me when we haven’t seen each other all day. Or before we part ways in the morning. First thing when we wake up. Last thing before we fall asleep. Or all of the above.
Turn-On # 2: Noticing, or Paying Attention
When you notice what I like, it makes me feel seen and cared for. In or out of bed.
When you let me know that I’ve changed my hair, or that the pants I’m wearing look hot, or that I look like I could use a hug, it makes me feel proud, relieved, happy, grateful that I chose YOU. When you notice how I like my coffee – and prepare it for me perfectly without even thinking twice – I feel worshipped. When you figure out that I don’t like soft, repetitive strokes on the hand, but I love strong hugs from behind, it makes me feel understood.
Big bonus points to you if I never have to whisper a word to you about it, and you figure it out on your own. After all, that’s what noticing is about.
Of course, you asking what I like is also super sexy, and makes me feel honored too.
Take the time and attention to notice me. I’ll do the same for you, and let’s see what happens.
Turn-On # 3: Showing me Gratitude
When you show me that you’re thankful I chose you, it makes my heart soar. When you tell me you’re grateful that you get to go to bed with me, and wake up next to me, I feel nourished. When you tell me you’re proud to be seen with me, I feel claimed by you. And as transgressive as it might be for a feminist to say, I kinda love it when you claim me.
When you tell me you’re grateful that I’m such a good mom to our kids, I feel touched and relieved. When you show your gratitude by fully parenting them with me, I feel like I won the partner lottery.
Remember to say thank you for the small things. Gratitude for those everyday, tiny, repetitive things we do a million times without thinking about it makes all the difference.
When I do the laundry, a thanks makes it less of a chore. When you do the laundry, I’ll do my best to always remember to thank you too.
Gratitude is one of the keys to sustained love, as well as being essential to health and wellbeing. Let’s cultivate it together, and feel the sweetness that comes.
Turn-On # 4: Confidence
Confidence is sexy. You’ve heard it a million times. I don’t mean the posturing that often stands in for true confidence; I mean things like willingness to try, adaptability, and reliability.
When I say I want you to take control, I mean it. When I tell you that I want you to make the choice, that’s really what I want. When you don’t believe me my trust in our relationship falters. If I can’t trust you to trust me, I know that there might be a deeper problem.
I know it’s a wound we’re working our way through as a culture. Fifteen years ago women weren’t supposed to ask for help, and men weren’t supposed to offer it.
Well, the times they are a-changing – again! Even as a woman who can still handle it all – if that’s required – I want to be taken care of sometimes. Sometimes I want you to drive. And sometimes I don’t want to have to say it at all. I just want you to take the wheel.
Turn-On # 5: Vulnerability
Vulnerability is not the opposite of confidence, as some men seem to assume. I see your willingness to be vulnerable with me as a huge statement of confidence.
And, it makes me want to support you, and take care of you. Not in some mommy/boy way, but in this, “Oh, wow, he trusts me!” way.
Not only that, it makes me trust you. If you’re willing to get vulnerable with me, I’m going to be less guarded with you. And you never know what fantastic places that could lead us to. Trust that I can support you in the moments where you need to be held, listened to, or even just to vent.
Trust that I’ll still be here when you’re through it. And as you trust more, so will I trust you.
Turn-On # 6: Honesty and Transparency
Scarier words are rarely spoken, right? But how are you going to get what you want, if you can’t, don’t, or won’t ask for it? Speaking our desires is the first step to getting them fulfilled. And, when you speak your truth, you allow me to do the same.
You never know; that fantasy you’ve been holding back on sharing might be just the one I’m dying to explore.
Let me tell you a secret; I like it dirty, and I like it rough. I also like it gentle, and loving, and sweet. If I trust you enough, there aren’t many topics that are point-blank off limits. Make it possible for me to trust you, and we’re very likely to go some amazing places.
Your honesty is what cements my trust.
And, it would be less than honest of me to leave this part out; there’s another part of transparency that’s really important to me. If I ask what you’re thinking, or feeling, or what’s wrong, please don’t say “Oh, nothing,” when it’s really something. I’ll be the first to admit that this kind of thing makes me, quite literally, crazy. If you don’t give me the low-down when something’s up, as you probably already know, I’m going to think up some kind of crazy story about what’s behind your silence.
Any story I make up is very likely to be much worse than whatever it is you’re not sharing. Whatever the truth is, it’s better than confusion or paranoia. So spit it out! We’ll both be in a better place for it.
This courageous act will save both of us a lot of misunderstanding and frustration. And it’ll save me a lot of hurt, wondering, and heart-ache. And you know what’s awesome about this more challenging part of honesty? Once the air is cleared, we can get back to the yummy stuff, which is where both of us really want to be anyway. Right?
Turn-On # 7: Face Fear Head-On
Always be willing to face any fears that come up, whether they’re mine, yours, or ours. Be willing to go deeper with me, and work through the fear. Maybe not all at once, but over time.
In bed or out, we all have fears that arise around letting each other in, trusting, independence versus intimacy, personal power versus shared experience.
When you get scared, remember that I get scared, too. One thing you can be sure about is that getting scared is common ground – we’ve all been there!
Bring it to me in a way that works for you, and I promise to do my best not to make you wrong, hurt you, or close you down.
Turn-On # 8: Responsiveness
In bed or out, paying attention becomes a worthwhile practice when you respond appropriately to the information you gather.
That doesn’t mean doing what you think is supposed to come next. It means actually paying attention as you respond, and honing your response to meet my desire. Sounds complicated, but it gets easier when you get present in the moment!
There’s no playbook for life, or for our interactions. No step 1, step 2, step 3 mentality is going to work in every situation. Instead of trying to commit some “play book” to memory, invest your time in learning to read me. And then do whatever comes naturally.
Look, listen, then walk, as we learn in crossing the street. Let’s both give our interactions as much thought as that and we’ll find our way.
Turn-On # 9: Sharing Responsibilities
In sex, that means doing your part regarding safety, birth control, and shared pleasure. In life it means parenting with me, housekeeping with me, making decisions with me; not around me, or to me. It means making goals and building dreams with me, and rooting that process in the nitty-gritty, day-to-day work of it.
Sharing responsibility sometimes means taking control of the situation. Sometimes it means allowing me to. And often, it means us coming together and working it out, in a way that makes sense to both of us.
And, Big Turn-On # 10! Be Willing to Cultivate and Invest in Love Through It All
When my ex-husband and I separated a number of years ago, I loved my way through it. It wasn’t always easy, but now that I know I can do that, I know I can love through anything.
Even when I’m angry at you, I can find the love I have for you within and around the anger. Even when I’m hurt, scared, and tired of the bullshit, I can still find, connect with, and foster that love.
(And if I can’t, then something might really be wrong.)
Practice may not make this one perfect, but it gets you there. Loving through the annoyance, anger, frustration, and pain is something that can become a natural response.
Remember, I’m loving you. Love me, too. If we can pull that off, I’m pretty sure we’ll be able to make this thing work.
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This article first appeared at elephant journal.
Also by Lasara Firefox Allen: 5 Ways a Man Can Truly Embrace a Woman’s Sexual Expression
Photo: Artsem Martysiuk/PhotoXpress
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“Presence” is the new “authenticity” (which was fashionable 2 years ago); and like its predecessor it means everything and nothing, but has a pleasant “Zen” vibe to it, which makes it ideal for nuggets of facebook wisdom.
Reading through the list again, I see a lot of things where there are contradictions that require a delicate balance that is truly arbitrary and effective based on your expectation in the moment. Besides the ones I pointed out in the last post, there’s also the contradiction of “show gratitude” and “share responsibilities” At some point in your marriage, for whatever reason he may not show gratitude for mundane chores. If it’s something you expect or crave you’ll start to slack off your set of the responsibilities because you won’t feel fulfilled or rewarded while doing them. That will tilt… Read more »
Lasara, are you married? A lot of this stuff seems silly. Most of it boils down to “learn what I want, when I want, without me having to ask for it because you know me so well” While that’s obviously a really intimate level of connection and romance, it’s also an impossible standard to maintain. There are also a lot of juxtapositions like confidence and vulnerability. I know you argue that they’re not contradictions, but they are. It’s perfectly fine as long as he’s those things when you want him to be, or you’re patient with it, but at some… Read more »
I feel there’s a lot of “truth” in this article, meaning it would be nice for ALL OF US to strive to practice/embody these qualities and ways of “being.” With that being said, what Art just pointed to, resonates. Personally, I feel I own and practice these qualities, though I feel many women think they should WANT these qualities (and maybe many really do) in a man, but they’re not necessarily attracted to these “kind” of men. I’ve been told, “Paul, you deal with a different currency, you’re not a typical guy but , I don’t feel the butterflies.”
Nonsense. This is what women like to think they want. Some tall hunky guy on a Harley comes along doing none of this and you are on that Harley in a heartbeat.
Fair comment about the ‘what are you thinking?’ question. The trouble is, I usually get asked that question when I’m reflecting deeply, really internally, about something. It’s the wrong question – ‘what are you feeling?’ would be closer. Because I’m not thinking, the answer sometimes really is ‘I don’t know’. And often, asking the question interrupts the flow anyway, and the moment is lost. While, contrary to myth and legend, I sometimes can do two things at once, it requires prior planning…:-)
Not bad article……
… and I am typically very harsh when being given advice like this….(which I usually take to be an attempt to cash in with a catchy title generating interest or clicks or whatever, but nothing in the substance that would actually help a nice, decent, honest guy know what to improve.
HUMOR, I think the eleventh turn-on is humor! Not taking ourselves so durn seriously! Many’s the time this is what gets my sweetie and I through our stuckness. And I have to hand it to him, he’s taught me a LOT about it. He teaches me to laugh at myself by being okay with laughing about himself. The relief is immense. Like the time I asked him to tell me about his feelings, and he responded, “BOTH of them?” Humor is a fine art, timing is of course everything, and being sure that no one is the butt of the… Read more »
True! I left that one out. Glad you brought it.
These advice articles make you seem like another shitty dating portal or lifestyle magazine. This “What men really want” or “What women really wamt” does exactly the kind of reproducing stereotypes I thought goodmenproject wants to fight against. You have some really good articles, but why does crap like this article become the majority. This makes me more an more hesitant to share the good articles with my political informed pro-feminist friends.
Sorry you feel that way. 7245 fb shares since yesterday morning says that other people have a different opinion. But yours is valid from your perspective, or you wouldn’t hold it.
I hope you find articles that are more helpful to you.
Be well.
Cosmo sells well too so I don’t think that really justifies your argument.
That being said I didn’t mind the article except in the fact it should be title “What People Really Want” since this seems non gender specific. By titling it in the way you did are we to assume that all 10 things listed are characteristics of men? We are not present, we don’t pay attention, we don’t show gratitude, we lack confidence/vulnerability, are not honest, are fearful and scared, are nonresponsive, selfish, and don’t invest in love?
I do my best with these every day. Took me a few years to learn it is not all about me!
Thank you for comment, and for reading.
@Erin, I know the following is a typo:
“Steve, I’d rather know what he was thinking then not.”
But it is deliciously apt in my experience.
It’s clear that there can be a serious lack of trust between men and women, women and women, men and men, etc. I’m not sure whose “fault” that is, but if it is a thing that appears frequently in one’s life, it could be helpful to so some soul searching about one’s own relationship with vulnerability. How can we each build ourselves up so that we are not manipulated or crushed by our partner’s actions? Real building up, not posturing. How can we resolve to move through our fear with courage so we can see what is on the other… Read more »
Yes. All full of truth. I love your mind. And heart. <3 And thank you for commenting here.
Forgot to say – well written and insightful! I will be looking for more of your writing. This advice (from your comment) is interesting: “With that as a background agreement, maybe we can assume that if our partner asks a question, they do want the answer.” While that may seem logical, the reality is often that they aren’t really looking for an answer, but rather digging to relieve whatever anxiety they’re feeling because of a perceived withdrawal by the man. It’s often not a real question, but manipulation to generate conversation when she’s feeling distance. It’s not easy to know… Read more »
“While that may seem logical, the reality is often that they aren’t really looking for an answer, but rather digging to relieve whatever anxiety they’re feeling because of a perceived withdrawal by the man. It’s often not a real question, but manipulation to generate conversation when she’s feeling distance.”
Or, just asking to be entertained.
“Takes building trust to really enable couples to handle this well.”
For sure.
“If I ask what you’re thinking, or feeling, or what’s wrong, please don’t say “Oh, nothing,” when it’s really something. I’ll be the first to admit that this kind of thing makes me, quite literally, crazy. If you don’t give me the low-down when something’s up, as you probably already know, I’m going to think up some kind of crazy story about what’s behind your silence.” And the first time you do this, we’ll have a serious talk…the second time and we’ll part ways. The crazy in your head is YOUR issue, not mine. To re-iterate what Steve said, this… Read more »
I’m confused by this part; “they truly are not prepared for what men are really thinking (which quite often isn’t anything at all)”. That aside, I agree with much of what you said. The point I was trying to make (and could have done perhaps more artfully) is that I’d rather hear, “I’m working some stuff out in my head. I’ll bring it to the table when I have more clarity,” or some such, than, “Nothing.” The reason the that “Nothing” drive me crazy is not because I need to know what’s in your head, it’s because I tend to… Read more »
“[T]hey are truly not prepared for what men are thinking” sounds suspiciously like “women can’t handle my man-brain”.
“Any story I make up is very likely to be much worse than whatever it is you’re not sharing. Whatever the truth is, it’s better than confusion or paranoia. So spit it out! We’ll both be in a better place for it.” I’ve struggled with this one a lot. It’s really, really hard sometimes to believe that a woman I’m with honestly wants to hear what I’m thinking always and completely. I just find it hard to believe that it’s best to share something that hurts her feelings just because honesty is best. Honest sharing has to be tempered with… Read more »
Saying “it’s nothing” or “I’m fine” is lame. It’s not a real answer, and it’s not really sharing. But, giving all the gory details in full color and full disclosure isn’t automatically the solution either.
Long story short: Full honesty and full withdrawal are not the only 2 choices.
I don’t think I said lame, as that’s not a term I would use. I also don’t think I said absolute transparency is the only answer. What I actually said was, “”…Pease don’t say “Oh, nothing,” when it’s really something.”
I should have clarified that I believe that a viable response is, “I’m not ready to talk about this right now.” At least that acknowledges the situation is an actual situation.
Steve; “My recommendation to people who want honesty is to be sure that your behavior actually encourages honesty. Don’t tell your partner “wrong answer!” Don’t tell him/her to the exact words to tell you. Don’t ask your spouse to lie for you to other people. Don’t criticize him/her for failing to lie convincingly to other people. Don’t tell a man you never want to hear him say ___. You want honesty? Act like you want honesty, and try to avoid mixed messages about telling the truth.” Agreed. Also, one of my pieces of basic relationship advice is; don’t ask questions… Read more »
“I’ve struggled with this one a lot. It’s really, really hard sometimes to believe that a woman I’m with honestly wants to hear what I’m thinking always and completely. ” Steve, I’d rather know what he was thinking then not. And yeah, sometimes what a man is thinking can hurt. But too often I think men presume that because he’s being honest about what he is thinking and it has the potential to hurt her, he either doesn’t talk about it at all or he does tell her and then he gets annoyed that she was honest about how it… Read more »
Yes. And, there are tons of ways to negotiate how to give/receive feedback in a relationship. My husband and I have some very basic, awesome agreements about how we will communicate with one another. It gives as a format within in which to process the hard stuff together. One of those is, be clear about what you want. So if I want to have feedback I let him know (and he does the same). I I want to just say something and have my partner WAIT on offering feedback, I can ask for that (and he can ask for the… Read more »
Many couples would probably fare a lot better if the “I need to progress things by myself first. Is it OK if we talk about it later?” was seen as a viable solution. But I guess that not many people either think about it, or has it accepted by their partner?