One man shares how a Facebook conversation changed his life.
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I grew up with a very simple racial narrative, similar to what many white people were raised with: “Everyone is equal.” I held to that belief, and tried my best to treat everyone the same, regardless of race. But whenever a person of another race told me of how they had gone through life treated as less than equal, my brain shut down, because this evidence flew in the face of what I had been taught. This made it easy to dismiss the claim that, say, a cop had pulled over a black driver who hadn’t done anything wrong. My oversimplified view also left me with huge blind spots with regard to my own behavior. I was a “good guy” who thought that “everyone is equal,” and so it was impossible for me to do anything racist.
My oversimplified view also left me with huge blind spots with regard to my own behavior. I was a “good guy” who thought that “everyone is equal,” and so it was impossible for me to do anything racist.
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But I was raised in a racist culture that taught me to look at the world through a racist lens, and thus I have always been prone to racist behaviors, regardless of anyone’s intents. These racist cultural norms have manifested in myriad ways: assuming an Asian person is good at math, steering clear of a black man on the sidewalk for fear he might hurt me, writing off whole neighborhoods as “bad” because they had a white minority.
But you didn’t dare call me a racist. I believe “racist” might be the worst insult you can pay a white person. It instantly puts us on the defensive, and we spit out our credentials to prove we’re not racist: “I believe everyone is equal!” “I have black friends!” “I’m just telling it like it is!”
So how do we overcome these deep cultural norms so that we can put ourselves on a path to truly becoming less racist? About three years ago, I found myself in an awkward Facebook interaction that has become for me a template for overcoming a racist society and my own racist attitudes and behaviors.
How do we overcome these deep cultural norms so that we can put ourselves on a path to truly becoming less racist?
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This is how it went: A Native American friend had posted a selfie to Facebook that had received a number of compliments. I chimed in with some clever remark about how he had somehow sidestepped the Native proclivity for acne, but that I had little room to speak, as I was (barely) Irish and had fallen prey to the curse of bad Irish skin. Another friend (a white woman) replied that she had a number of Native American friends and Irish friends who all had great skin, and that she was frankly shocked at what I’d just said, and that it was rather racist.
So, how did it all pan out?
First, I apologized. I didn’t defend what I had done. I didn’t look for an excuse. I simply said, “I’m sorry.” This might have been the hardest part, because we white people are hard-wired to defend ourselves against accusations of racism. Indeed, I was so tempted to say, “But I didn’t mean anything by it!” Yet in that moment, I recognized that to apologize was the most important thing to do, as a matter of social grace. Rightness and wrongness could be sorted out later—which entailed the fact that I might have been in the wrong.
I didn’t defend what I had done. I didn’t look for an excuse. I simply said, “I’m sorry.”
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Then, I reflected. What led me to develop this stereotype about race and acne? Why didn’t I think of the many people who didn’t fit this stereotype? How did this stereotype influence how I perceived and treated people? What would have been my reaction had my accuser not been white? How would I have reacted had this all happened face-to-face, or involved another race, or dealt with an issue with much higher stakes?
I then committed myself to improving my attitudes and behaviors. I internalized the incident so that I would be more conscious of this flawed thinking in the future. And I considered that part of the problem was that I had mostly gained my understanding of race from other white people, who were as prone to the same problematic worldview as I was. So I set out to listen more to people of other races, both friends and strangers, and to learn how their narratives differed from my own. Listening meant just that—not interrupting, not speaking up, not contradicting—in other words, trusting that people knew their own stories. I sought to read more from writers of other races, so that I could gain a more realistic and well-rounded view of race. And then I resolved not to simply be content with changing my beliefs and attitudes, but to take action. I sought opportunities to work where I was a racial minority. As a teacher, I focused on centering my classes on the works of writers of other races. I began working with a black colleague on engaging our community in an honest discussion of race. Because, in the end, your beliefs don’t mean or do anything if they’re not set into action.
Your beliefs don’t mean or do anything if they’re not set into action.
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Finally, I realized that moving away from racism is a lifelong process. I recognized I would never get to a point where I could honestly say, “I am not a racist.” So I shifted my paradigm from a goal to a process. It wasn’t that there was nothing I could do—indeed, there was plenty—but I had to admit that telling myself I was somehow “over” racism made me immune to correcting my racist thoughts and behaviors. It’s something I’ll be working on the rest of my life. I’ll make mistakes. But I’ll improve. And I hope I can make a difference.
This is my story, and I’m just one person. But we each can make changes for ourselves, and it will look a little different for each person. And those changes, collectively, will change society.
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Photo: Flickr/AK Rockefeller
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I have never read such a self-flagellating article in my life. You made a crappy joke, got pulled up on it by an over-sensitive busybody and this caused you to alter your whole life? I’m sorry I just… Do you even know what a racist IS? Because there is a big difference between being a RACIST, as in thinking that certain races are inherently inferior, and possessing in your mind stereotypes of members of a particular ethnicity (Irish are all red-heads, Germans are are blonds and lack humor etc). Stereotypes that quickly melt away once you get to know a… Read more »