Nikki Brown wants to know why straight men don’t seem to have the same rights when it comes to sexual experimentation.
Have I mentioned how much I like sex?
Yeah, I know we don’t know each other that well. Apologies, but I do like to get straight to the point (and then wander off from there).
Another bit of personal info? I don’t really discriminate based on gender. I like eating pussy about as much as I like giving head (yes, there are women who enjoy the BJ). I’m not all that shy about it, either. I’ve been known to proposition threesomes and offer to pop lesbian cherries.
That’s not just me putting all my sexual-ness on other people. Apparently, in my real, non-bloggity-blog life, I’m the go-to if you want to discuss your fantasies regarding experimentation. Never been with a chick? Want to have a threesome with your dude? If past experience (and other people’s dreams) are any indication, you want to have it with me.
♦◊♦
Now, why am I telling you all this? I do bring it up for a reason (and, no, this post isn’t about being bisexual – that’s a whole ‘nother topic). Basically, I’m trying to highlight the fact that my sexual life involves two things:
- The ability to experiment.
- The overwhelming acceptance and comfort of others around that experimentation.
Personally? I feel pretty fucking lucky. But…What if I were a dude?
Would I feel like I had the freedom to experiment? And, more importantly, would I receive this kind of acceptance about that from others? Would they feel so comfortable with not only my sexuality, but also my expression of it? (And, believe me, I express the hell out of it.)
Hellz to the F no.
Why is it that women can experiment whenever they feel like it? Why is it that we even have a term [LUGs - Lesbians Until Graduation] for those chicks who lick pussy all through college and then go moseying on back to dudes?
Why is it that girls can make out with each other and aren’t told “oh, y’all are big fat dykes?”
And yet. With guys? Ohhhhh no. No makin’ out here. As Dan Savage has said and Hugo Switzer pointed out here, suck one cock, son, you are gay-ed for life.
♦◊♦
The problem with all this? I think we all have license to experiment.
It does not make us gay or even bisexual. It does not mean we are closeted, or we are suddenly unacceptable as dating material.
For one, as long as we are practicing safe, enthusiastic sex (you know I like that), we should be free to express our sexuality in whatever way we feel compelled – as long as we find partners who are equally compelled. We should not be subject to other people’s judgment or definitions. Period. Your sex is your sex – it’s not anyone else’s. I mean, are they having it?
For two, there may be that one person or type of person of the same sex (or opposite sex, if you’re gay) that just… gets under your skin. That one person that clicks in your brain. And you want to bang the crap out of them. Does it make you gay or bi? Maybe not. Maybe it just makes you straight-except-for-that-one-person.
See, I believe sexuality exists as a spectrum – not on hard (ha ha, I said “hard”) and fast terms. We fly a virtual rainbow flag of things that turn us on and get us off. As such, you can absolutely be straight-except-for-that-dude or straight-except-for-eating-box or even gay-except-for-that-one-lesbian.
Can you have very concrete sexual boundaries? Absolutely. Most people do. But does that mean everyone one does? Nope. Doesn’t.
♦◊♦
It is only Society, and Other People, who start to tell us the sex we’re having is wrong. It is only Culture that dictates who gets to experiment with their sex, and who has to keep it straight-and-narrow if they want to still be accepted.
Who gets the real shit end of the stick (ha ha) in this? Straight dudes. Yep. I mean the ones who identify as “straight” – not bi, queer, or pan. They should be able to experiment, but they can’t even enjoy their wife pegging them in the butt before someone starts raisin’ an eyebrow and questioning their sexuality (…and that person might even be the wife).
I mean, if a gay dude slips and falls into a vagina, does anyone tell him he’s not gay? If a straight chick sucks her friend’s titties, does anyone tell her she’s now a lesbian? Any dudes getting squeamish and saying they can’t pooooosibly date her now? Um…. nope. Experiment away, kids!
But the rest of the dudes? Nope. On the Sexuality Questionnaire, you can only check one of two boxes (and only one gets the girl kind).
As someone who takes her license to experiment very seriously, it’s not a little bit of fair or even ok. How can we promote sexual positivity, let alone open dialogue about sex if we still constrain so many people? If we only allow certain groups to express and experiment?
How do we change this phenomenon? I don’t mean dealing with bi/trans/homophobes, I mean, men AND women who do not in any way, shape, or form think of themselves as homophobic.
Be honest: Do you allow men that same license I have to experiment? Why or why not?
—Photo ell brown/Flickr
About Nikki Brown
Abso-effing-lutely!!!!
Everything you said above?
Word.
*grin*
Hey thanks! Glad you liked!
Personally, I find this article hypocritical and not very convincing. Right when I got to the tagline – “Nikki Brown blogs anonymously about sex, relationships, life, gender, sexuality, the environment, and anything else that piques her interest or raises her hackles.”
If you are so free to express yourself sexually in every way you feel compelled, then why do you blog anonymously?
Men are as free to experiment sexually as they want to be.
There are bisexual men out there, period end of story. And I’m sure there are men who experiment once or twice.
Between bi-phobia and bisexual invisibility, I think it raises questions about a real problem.
If you read the letters to sex advice columnists, one of the themes of the questions is, “am I gay?” Typically the person posing the question has had some experience where there was another naked man (in the room, on the screen, etc) and they weren’t repulsed by it. In fact, they may have even been turned on a little. To me it seems simple: if you are a man and you want to fuck (or be fucked by) men to the exclusion of women, you’re probably gay. If you want to fuck men and women, you’re probably somewhere on the bi-sexual spectrum. If you want to fuck women to the exclusion of men, you’re probably straight. Much was made of a recent study (since repudiated by one of its authors for sample bias) that claimed male bisexuality didn’t exist – that those men identifying as such were semi-closeted gays. When you compound this with some gay men using the “bi-sexual” label as a stepping stone to their gay identity, it’s easy to see why there is mistrust about someone who identifies as bi-sexual.
The problem is that this mistrust exists as a sort of bi-phobia on the part of men and women. For some women, my having consensually touched another man’s erect penis automatically disqualifies me as a potential partner, even though I identify as straight and have no desire to fuck other men, let alone form a romantic relationship with one. For some men, I’m a homo, or suspected homo, and any sign of me not being repulsed by male sexuality is evidence of that.
I think, for the most part, all but the most homophobic men don’t really care what I’ve done in the past or who I prefer to do in the present. But there are plenty of women – specifically those considering me as a potential romantic partner – who do and for whom any past “experimentation” is considered a deal killer. While there are assuredly straight men out there who also see it as a deal killer for a woman who has “experimented,” I suspect the proportion is far fewer. There’s no stereotype of two guys making out being hot, whereas the obvious hotness of two girls making out is a common trope in our beer commercials and our media, and Joe Francis has built a fucking multi-million dollar empire on it.
YES! This, exactly.
I mean, the first paragraph is a lil wonky for me. I tend to think of sexuality on a spectrum (*tips hat to Kinsey*) and that some people can and do blur the lines, but would prefer to identify as straight or gay. I think that’s perfectly fine – we should all be able to define our sexuality as we see fit, and that doesn’t we can’t use “experiment” to mean “tried it with someone who was outside my identified sexuality.” Does this mean everyone should? No. In fact, I think the vast majority of people stick within their definition, and/or are actually closeted (which brings up whole ‘other issues) – but that shouldn’t mean *everyone* has to.
However – the points remain well articulated as to why people take issue with it, and how it translates into how people who do this kind of experimenting are perceived – and the intense double standard there.
The last point, about women deciding you’re undatable, is absolutely on-target and, in my opinion, absolutely crap. For why, I’d check out this post: http://www.metanotherfrog.com/2011/07/12/bi-men-dateable/
Personally, I think guy-on-guy IS hot, and I think a past with experimentation is awesome. Naturally, that means I’m also into dudes who are honest with both themselves and their partners, and are not ashamed of their sexual past.
I shouldn’t have framed it solely as who you want to shag, as it ignores the question of who you want to form romantic relationships with. But I think the analysis is fair, if you keep it restricted to how someone who doesn’t know if they are gay or bi (based on things they’ve done or found hot) might look at it. But if a guy who occasionally makes out with a dude but only dates women chooses to identify as straight I see no problem with that.
I must say, Cassidy’s position in the link you posted reminds me of a guy who was only attracted to virgins. The thought of sexing up a woman who has had a penis other than his own inside of her makes him sick. He described his preference as an “orientation,” and felt it was just as valid as someone identifying as gay or bi. I see a lot of similarities in the two positions.
Again, this wasn’t about bisexuality. It was about men who identify as straight and choose to experiment outside that definition. I think it’s awesome to do so if you feel compelled. Moreover, it’s a huge double standard that women have no problem doing so, but men are highly stigmatized for it, or end up with people defining their sexuality for them. Please see NickMostly’s excellent response.
That said, your point that I blog anonymously made me laugh – because you’re totally right and I’m surprised no one else called me out on it! I have questioned my anonymity at times in the past, and will in the future but I do it now because I blog about my friends (no real names of course) and people I am crushing on sometimes (very rarely, actually) and I don’t want my friends to be irritated with me (because if all our friends read my blog, obviously it wouldn’t matter if I used their real names or not) and I don’t want people I dig to know sometimes. Things like this, however? Oh, everyone who knows me knows my thoughts.
This reminds me of one of my favorite quotes: “Hammer nails all your life, nobody calls you a carpenter, but you suck one dick…” — Jesus
Ha! I think Dan Savage stole that one!
I dont want to have sex with a bi man, the risk is very very great and more than I want to deal with. Just being real. I know a bi man who wants to bareback me. I dont think soooo!!!
You’re not are more risk because he’s bisexual – it’s an irrational fear (and by irrational, I mean disproportionate to the actual risk posed). I think a lot of that fear comes from the 80s and 90s when HIV was presented as a “gay” disease, which allowed it to progress unabated and undetected among heterosexual men and women for more than a decade.
We also have this stereotype of gay men as being more promiscuous, but that’s not true for everyone and there’s no reason to think it’s true for guys who identify as bi. Would you rather have sex with a completely heterosexual guy who’s had fifty partners in the last year, or a bisexual guy who’s had three, two of whom were women? The additional risk in the situation you propose is not that he identifies as bi, it’s that he wants to bareback; that’s risky no matter who is doing it.
But ultimately, it’s your body and your call. And if “just being real” means you’re owning your prejudice, then more power to you. Most people aren’t self-aware enough to realize when a position they hold is based more on fear than on fact.
Oh, man, NickMostly, you took the words right out of my mouth. Right. On. And thanks!
I am still pissed that I can’t donate blood because of this perceived risk. Because I’ve had sex with a man who has had sex with a man sometime since 1980. And I continue to have sex with that man, because he is my husband. This makes us both ineligible – unqualified – to donate blood, even though we are both HIV-negative, and as we are monogamous, it’s unlikely that either of us will contract HIV through sex. This makes my blood boil (pun intended) whenever I see a sign asking me to donate blood to save lives. Why, thanks, I’d love to, but you’ve told me I can’t.
And because of the stigma Nikki has written about here, I can’t even tell anyone about it, except my closest friends (and you anonymous web-dwellers). Our parents aren’t likely to understand. Neither are my coworkers when the blood drive van shows up outside work. I have to make up some dumb excuse so as to avoid airing my & my husband’s sexual details to everyone. (Mumble mumble, something about my thyroid meds, mumble mumble.) PISSES. ME. OFF.
{end of tangentially related rant}
I don’t think your rant is tangential at all. I have the same reaction to all that shiz. It makes me almost not give blood, but then I remember who that actually hurts, so I give it, but it still makes me infuriated. Especially since HOW LONG has it been since we’ve realized HIV/AIDS is NO LONGER the gay man’s problem????
Oh, homophobia. How deep and subtle you can be.
And then, of course, your personal issue. Should you be a gay man whose husband is also gay, then people would at least feel pressure, in this day and age, to “accept” your lifestyle (I fervently dislike using the term “accept” to deal with ANYONE’s sexuality). But, of course, instead they feel free to question his sexuality, your sexuality, your sex life, marriage, etc etc etc as if it were their business and something that were, clearly, wrong.
I don’t think your rant is tangential because it is, once again, how this shiz actually operates in people’s daily lives. And it’s bullcrap.
A straight guy once told me something that really sheds light on this. He said to me “hey I said I was straight but I am not an asshole,” to explain how he was okay being intimate with me even though I am intersex and a transwoman, cause I am still a woman and he’s not into guys. I always remembered that cause I am not usually attracted to Gay or Bi men and seem to attract straight men only. I have only dated straight guys in all my long term relationships so I can vouch for them. Many didn’t know I was intersex and transgender until after meeting me and they were still okay with it, because they had met the female first and not my genitals.
Men can experiment. There many that do,but choose not to tell their wives or girlfriends. So what,there’s biphobia. There are phobias about “ugly,”fat” fat,”stupid”,Black,White,Asian,Latin,and Middle_Eastern people. They can’t exactly hide what they are. They go through life and deal with it. If a woman want a man who doesn’t have ANY relations with another man,that’s her right. There are too many stories about some dude who left his wife with some guy. It’s not a woman’s fault that being into girls is seen as sexy and a man being into
…..cont as sexy and a man being into another. That’s fine and dandy,but don’t go about saying your straight to chicks! That pisses them off. I know. I’m sorry,but men are the one’s who oggle over two chicks(they have to look a certain way for them to enjoy). I don’t want my girl to be into girls. I want her to be straight. I have been offered blow jobs and everything else from “straight” men and had to hold myself from punching them. These were married men with kids. Stop hiding behind your wives and girlfriends. I am a dude and I could care less if your bi,curious or what. My cousin is bi and is. The gay community has it’s share of hetero and biphobia. Not many want to date a guy who is bi or what have you because they don’t want to be left for a woman. Some women don’t want to sit there,have kids and one day have her husband say…..I am into dudes or I want to experiment. No man nor woman is suppose to support their spouse in that manner. I would be pissed if my wife wanted to experiment with other women or other men for that matter. It would seem like a huge life from the get go.
Thank you for this article,
I’m a bisexual man, I have a wonder girl friend and a beautiful son. Only but a few months ago did I openly admit my attraction to men also. This came to the light when I woke up in a detox unit from a wicked bender, my secret sexuality kept me in a dark place of addiction. From my recent experience I’m finding out that the most homophobic of all my friends are the most curious and ask the most questions ?? I’m very firm in the rejection of suck one dick and your gay for life.. I find it much more fun when there are women involved in the situation !! Adding an extra play toy just make the posibilitys endless !! Sorry girls but men do give better head !!!
Religion and parents set it pretty firmly in your head that homosexuality is evil, this perception is carried by society but not to lesbians much… mainly towards gay men… It’s really difficult for a lot of lesbians to really even truly know what real hatred feels like, they get the jist of it all, but often never lived it. Not saying I want them to, but sometimes it would be easier if they really did fully and truly know how demeaning it feels.
Religion though, has certainly limited my life sexual experiences, to nothing… I felt pressured to have a girlfriend so I tried to date one when I was 15, but it only left her disappointed because I couldn’t get aroused to have sex with her… At the same time a friend of mine, he came over daily, I knew he liked me a lot, wanted to get close to me, I was like a deer in headlights, unable to love back because I couldn’t comprehend it as something that’s allowed, it’s strictly forbidden… even when it was him coming onto me, it’s like I was scared that he would know I am gay and tell people. I suppose it’s easy for lesbians and some gays that didn’t grow up under religious oppression to usually say “forget that religious bs, I’m going to love anyone” but it really is something that inhibits your ability to express your feelings, to welcome others near you… or deal with another guy who is in that state of sexual repression, unable to accept your own love, scared of being disowned by their parents. These fears are especially strong in guys. Hopefully some day religion crumbles to the ground so people can be free, in body and mind alike. There was no good in the rejection I inflicted on this boy that loved me, at the time he was abused by his parents, he really had no one in life, and yet he really loved me and I even though I loved him with all my heart, it was frozen by mental facilities that I wouldn’t break from for a decade to come… he later turned to hard drugs and eventually arrested for meth use. I only blame myself for what happened to him.
I agree with this article wholeheartedly. Good for you for writing about it