Marcus Williams and Joanna Schroeder offer 25 rules to help build close bonds between daddies and their little girls.
All daddies with little girls want to raise them “right”, but how the heck are they supposed to know what that means?
If you spend any time on the Internet these days, you’ll quickly learn that pithy numbered lists are the path to enlightenment. It is in that spirit that we have collaborated to develop this list of rules that are guaranteed to guide fathers in the correct way to raise their daughters. This wisdom is universal, proven, and failsafe. *
*Not really.
Marcus is raising two toddler daughters, and Joanna is a daughter (in addition to being a mother) so we feel we have at least as good a chance as anyone at enlightening others. We are colleagues and friends, and while we find we disagree on many things, one area in which we often find common ground is in raising kids.
We agreed on many of these rules, though some only made it in when the other one wasn’t looking. For the tl;dr demographic, here’s the list in a nutshell:
- Joanna says dads should be girly with their daughters.
- Marcus says dads should be manly with their daughters.
- It’s okay to be both.
♦◊♦
1. Tell her she’s pretty, but tell her other good things about herself more.
It’s not that telling a girl she’s pretty is bad. It’s not. The point is that it shouldn’t be the only kind of compliment she gets, so she doesn’t feel that only her appearance matters. Compliment her intelligence, her resourcefulness, her imagination, her hard work, and her strength. Don’t pretend that her looks will never matter, but teach her not to judge herself or let herself be judged only on looks.
2. Teach her that handymen don’t have to be men.
Checklist of things to teach her: routine car maintenance, how to stop a toilet from overflowing, how to set a mousetrap, how to use the fuse box, how to turn off the water main. (Marcus’s note to self—learn to maintain car, fix a toilet, use the fuse box, and find the water main.) There’s nothing wrong with needing help to get things done, but self-reliance and confidence are handy if you need to change a tire, fix a toilet, or even squish a bug without needing a rescuer to do it for you.
photo: tuppus / flickr
3. Let her play in the mud.
No need to fill their sandbox with only sugar and spice. Mix in some snips and snails and puppy dog tails, too. Be cautious, however, about giving her any nicknames like “Sugar” or “Spice” while she plays in the mud, as it could lead to some uncomfortable career choices down the road.
4. Remember that the way you talk about and treat women will have a lasting impact.
Your daughter will pick up on generalizations you make about women, whether positive or negative. Intentionally or not, you shape her identity about what it is to be a woman, and how to expect to be treated for being one. Say positive things about women without pedastalizing. If you can’t be nice, at least be respectful and steer clear of the B-word, C-word, and other words for putting down her entire gender. All this goes double for talking about her mother.
5. Teach her the correct names for her genitals, and use them matter-of-factly.
If she wants to say wee-wee, that’s fine, but make sure that as she grows up, she knows her vulva from her vagina. And whatever you do … don’t call it a front-butt.
6. Indulge her imagination.
photo: jk+too / flickr
You be the kitty, she’ll be the mommy, then she’ll be the kitty and you’ll be the baby kitty. It’s going to get boring for you, but it’s good for her. Keep doing it. Meow some more. Don’t forget to hiss.
7. Cry when the family pet dies.
You don’t have to weep if you hated the critter, but the point is to show that it’s okay for men to feel and express emotions when they come up, even hard ones like sadness and grief. Sometimes the most comforting thing you can do with a difficult emotion is to share it.
Pro tip: If she wants to schedule a memorial service for the pet you hated, try to schedule it right after you’ve watched “Brian’s Song”.
8. Teach her honesty and integrity in relationships by demonstrating them in yours.
“Honesty and integrity in relationships” doesn’t mean blind devotion. It means living a life consistent with the values you hold dear, and helping the people you love to live consistent with theirs.
Live the integrity you hope she’ll choose for herself.
photo: wactout81 / flickr
9. Read her books with great heroes – both boy and girl heroes.
Books with girl heroes are harder to find, but they’re out there. You can find a lot of recommendations at A Mighty Girl. Also, make up stories on the spot—they don’t have to be perfect—starring her as the conquering hero battling the dragon or saving all the kittens in a big thunderstorm.
10. Teach her that she has power over her own body and sexuality.
From when she’s small, tell her that her body belongs to her, and she is the boss of it. As she gets older, teach her that her body isn’t to be used in the effort to win love or approval, or to manipulate others. Teach her that sex is beautiful, and that choices to have and not have sex both carry power and integrity, as long as she is true to herself.
Allow her to talk to you about sex without getting squicked, but also leave room for her to have private conversations about sex and sexuality with other people.
11. Teach her about male sexuality without fear-mongering.
It’s tempting to tell her that boys are bad, that sex is evil and that guys only want one thing…
But we know from the last 50 years of Sex Education that this tactic simply doesn’t work, and it damages both boys and girls in the process. Girls learn to fear boys and see them as one-dimensional, or they learn that their parents have been lying all along.
Teach her that respect is key, and both boys and girls deserve it and are able to give it.
photo: flattop 341 / flickr
12. Share music with each other.
Play your favorite music and tell her why it’s great. Let her do the same for you. Teach her why the bridge in the middle of Van Morrison’s Into the Mystic is so crucial and really try to understand what’s so great about One Direction (and then enlighten us when you figure it out).
Teach her the courtesy of headphones and the wisdom of volume control.
13. Dress like a princess if she asks you to… And let her dress like a Power Ranger if she wants.
Yeah, it sucks a little playing dress-up for those of us not theatrically-inclined, but it makes a child feel important when you play the way she wants to play.
Also, playing ‘like a girl’ won’t make you one and playing ‘like a boy’ won’t make her one. So have fun with both.
14. Go with her to the nail salon and each of you get a pedicure.
No, you don’t have to get polish! Just enjoy the time with your daughter and the accompanying foot massage. (Unless you have an aversion to emery boards like Marcus does.)
photo: Andy M Taylor / flickr
15. Include her in your favorite hobbies.
Share with her the things you love, like watching Motocross, cooking dinner or playing the guitar.
Take her with you sometimes when you go to the bowling alley, or for a hike on your favorite trail. Go watch surfers in the ocean. Explain exactly what’s happening. Let her get bored after ten or fifteen minutes and then go do what she wants to do for a while.
16. Let her put on shows for you. Then put on a silly show for her.
It doesn’t take much—a goofy tap dance, armpit farts, standing on one foot—to make a little girl laugh.
17. Let her choose any color she wants for one wall in her room.
Yes, any. Then let her help you paint it. We recommend a very sturdy drop-cloth.
photo: Pink Sherbet Photo / flickr
18. Roughhouse with her.
You won’t break her, and rough play is good for teaching confidence and resilience.
19. Inspire her with women role models who excel in traditionally male-dominated fields or activities.
She’s not going to grow up to be an NFL linebacker, but don’t crush aspirations before they begin by telling her what she can’t be because she’s a girl. The few things she can’t do will become obvious on their own, and the rest become possible if she’s allowed to dream and has role models who achieved great things without a penis.
20. Don’t shame her for what she wants to wear – but exercise the power to modify.
This one gets trickier with age, but most wardrobe choices by a toddler or little girl can be made to work. If a skirt is too short, leggings are great. If she picks a Spiderman tee for a wedding, try letting her wear it under a dressy top. If you have to overrule her choice, be pragmatic, not judgmental.
(We couldn’t agree on the right approach to this once your daughter hits puberty, so you’re on your own.)
photo: DVIDSHUB / flickr
21. Look her in the eyes and have a real conversation at least once every single day that you’re together.
Even if it’s just about My Little Pony or Justin Bieber.
22. As she gets older, tell her the truth about drugs. Don’t use scare tactics, be honest.
Drugs are scary enough without exaggerating. But saying, “If you try drugs, you’ll die (or end up homeless, or become a prostitute, etc)” and having that as your “Drug Talk” will fail. Why? Because she will quickly learn that smoking pot doesn’t kill you—either from watching her friends or doing it herself.
Instead, try something along the lines of, “Using most drugs is like Russian Roulette… Five out of six times a person may be fine. But you never know if you’re going to end up as that one person who won’t be okay.”
23. Teach her that “No” means “No”, for both herself and others.
Teach her physical boundaries. Teach her how to say no directly, and that her no is to be respected, and that she shouldn’t be afraid or embarrassed to protect her body.
Make it clear that when someone—a little brother, a friend, or a parent—says no, that she is to respect that … including with boys.
photo: The Finite Monkey
24. Allow her to be girly if that’s her thing, but don’t force her to be if she’s not.
Let her wear dresses whenever she wants, but don’t force her to. Don’t buy everything in pink—unless she’s crazy for the color pink. If she loves Spiderman, go with that until she’s tired of it.
25. If she’s still little enough, hold her until she falls asleep sometimes.
You’ll miss it when you can’t.
Also read Tom Matlack’s “Raising Boys (A Dad’s Advice for Moms)
Lead photo courtesy of Amie Lee Photography. Reprinted with permission.
About Marcus Williams and Joanna Schroeder
If you have to read a list like this to tell you how to be a parent, maybe you shouldn’t become a parent in the first place. Been doing this fr 20 years and haven’t needed a book or list to teach me how to parent 4 children who have all turned out to be polite, well adjusted, well educated young adults.
@ButteryMuffyn – what made you read the list if you’re such an expert? Something must have urged you to click through. If I learned nothing over my many years being a parent is that being smug is just asking for trouble. I wish you lots and lots of luck.
Well said Sabriana! As the father of a 14 year old 1st soprano/tech junkie/Quiz Bowl champ/Honor Student, I feel like I’ve obviously done something right (probably one the few things I HAVE done right in my life), but I’m still making my own way daily. ButteryMuffyn has no doubts re her abilities, etc. and more power to her; I certainly hope that one of the things she taught her kids was tolerance and compassion, not to mention modesty and humility
Are they just as cocky and condescending as you are? I’m sure a lot of parents run around with sore elbows from patting themselves on the back but I’m more impressed with those that don’t feel the need to toot their own damn horn every chance they get. I hope for your kids sake you taught them at least a little humility so they aren’t as annoying as I suspect you are.
then why did you read the article? we could all learn something
I love that my dad was the strongest man I knew, but my most touching memory of him was seeing him cry when we had to put my grandmother in a nursing home after she had a really bad stroke. It happened almost 30 yrs ago, and I can still it as clearly as if it happened yesterday. I miss him so very much.
Hope you have some peace this Father’s Day, Jennifer. Great to hear what a good man your dad was!
great list..even for a mum.. thanks for sharing.. its always nice to be inspired:)
great advice even though I do most of them anyway. Learning is teaching and any good advice is helpful. Thank you so much for sharing…
I hope all men teach their daughters to use tools and feel confident in their being able to control small car situations!!! My dad and i hung out in the garage and he had me practice hammering nails. he set nails in a piece of wood up for me to pound thru and pull out. I also learned what tools did what by handing him the tools as he worked on the car. these memories are some of the best of my entire life!!!
Love that story, Juju! Thanks for sharing that. My dad taught me to change a flat at least four times and I think I could do it now, but I should’ve paid attention to everything else.
I was incredibly un-handy until I finally lived on my own (lived with men, either a dad, guy friend or boyfriend until I was 23), and even then it really didn’t come until I had kids and owned a house. Feeling confident in small emergencies is a key element of keeping safe. Not to mention feeling good about yourself!
Juju,
As we get older, we take the car into the Honda shop or Jiffy Lube, anyway.
But thanks to the dad’s that still teach Auto-Shop 101, Plumbing 101, and Power Tool 101…I think I own more power tools than my brother.
as a dad of 3 girls, one of the things you can do is read to them as if the parts were female. for instance, in our house, winnie the pooh is female. ever notice that 90% of all characters are male. give the girls some balance. it does take time to get used to this, but now i read everything that way…..he (she) got her nose stuck in the honey jar. it’s easy and i judge it helps my girls see the world as balanced.
That’s SO interesting!! I’ve never heard that idea.
OMG!!! I LOVE this article! You guys knocked it outta the park!! I’ve been begging so many people I know to write this, I had actually given-up on it.
Its funny that you include a wet-suite surfing picture. My 11 daughter just took her first day of surfing lessons and smoked it!!! She owns those waves. She has had real confidence issues all her life with things like that, but today…WOW.
She was so good, I expected her to end a wave, get off her board and say “take THAT *itch!!!”
She was the first in the water and the last one out.
She’s an entirely different girl tonight. (Dad’s a little stoked too) And now, she can do something extremely well and better than her brother!!
Rob, thank you so much for the compliments! Glad it meant something to you!
Thank you for this– it was all so spot-on, and the way that my husband and I try to parent our children. The one that really resonated with me was #12 (not just because my father put “Into the Mystic” on a mix-tape when I was married). It reminds me of the song “The Night I LEt Glory Steer”, sung from the perspective of a Dad parenting a teenage girl:
She’s too old for the playground She’s too young for the graveyard She’s too wise for me to tell her I’ve got plans She loves my CD collection She’s always on to the next one I point to the map and she always understands
Beautiful, my little glory You’ll always be my baby girl I don’t want to hear your story I can’t bear to know your world
I call her up on the cell phone More and more she is not home She’s out with her friends And she wouldn’t talk to me if she could
She sees me as an old man now She’s finding all her own bands now And the sign on the door To her room says closed for Good
Beautiful, my little glory You’ll always be my baby girl I don’t want to hear your story I can’t bear to know your world
I’m heading out off the front steps Didn’t think she would wake yet But her voice says Daddy, do you think you could give me a ride?
We plumb familiar city The club is new but it’s gritty She takes my arm And I let her lead me inside
A voice that’s lovely and different The music carries her intent I feel her hand on my elbow and I let her steer I catch her profile in side view She turns and says, “I can see you And I always knew there’d be a road back to here”
Beautiful, my little glory You’ll always be my baby girl Won’t you let me hear your story
Beautiful, my little glory You’ll always be my baby girl I am following your story I am leaving you the world
So lovely! Being rised by not-so-great dad always I wish my future husband would be daddy like this to his becoming daughters.
Thanks for the wonderful article.
BTW, One thing what I often do with my 2 year old daughter is: break up an experience (circus, Temple, Supermarket etc.) into 5 questions. Its really priceless as I lay down & listen to her answers as she plays on my tummy.
One more thing we do is that we give her candy / chocolates; but ask her to keep it aside to eat it later, maybe after lunch or after a bath. Yes, she complies. On a longer run, she will be more patient that an average person.
Keep rocking!
This is an awesome list. I’m a father of two little girls and I’m blown away by just how real these items are. Good news I’m certainly doing some of these. Better news, I’m reminded of some things to keep on my radar going forward.
#18 is something that I’ve found to be magic in bonding with my oldest. As a new Dad I handled her like she was a hand grenade. I was terrified coming home from the hospital. Diaper changes looked like I was an explosive ordinance technician trying not to cut the wrong wire. As time went on I thankfully eased up on all that madness.
We have a pre-dinner ritual as a way of reconnecting when I’m done with work where we basically chase each other around the house at crazy reckless abandoned speeds and have wrestling matches on a big bed. It’s flat out awesome! It’s a real anchor of reconnecting with us and is a special way to make a new memory every day because no doubt I won’t always be able to toss her in the air and throw pillows around with her. We both laugh so hard while doing it and whatever ills of that day have a funny way of washing away with her giggles. Roughhousing is good!
Thanks for this list!
Not a parent, so take this for what it is. But there seems to be an awful lot of indulgence, and not a whole lot of reality checks. “Clothing” and “no means no” (of course, this comes after a long list of things you’re not supposed to say no to her for) seem to be the only things that might teach her she’s not the center of the universe and won’t always get what she wants. This list would give me concerns about raising a spoiled princess (or prince if applied to boys).
And yet, many of the things on the list aren’t said to boys, because “boys will be boys” is a common way of raising them. I don’t think there’s any indulgence here, it’s about learning empowerment and tempering it with common sense–something this article does very nicely.
These are wonderful, my little girl has always been into pink, my wife isn’t and it has been interesting watching my wife with my daughter’s style choices, mostly my wife cringes, sometimes she gets into it and buys her the pink dress or top.
I watch my daughter two days a week while my wife works from home. We have tea parties, though the tea tastes like air. My daughter has my attitude and goofyness which makes for interesting times.
She asked to meditate with her brother recently which was interesting, but it’s something she sees her brother and the rest of us doing, but she’s only three and wants to be like her brother.
Wonderful article.
Good article but i would not like if my husband tells her about her genitals or any other man telling his dauhter about her genitals or talk about sex to her. sounds so pedo to me and i will not allow that. the rest is a good write up.
You won’t allow your husband to talk to your daughter about genitals?
What if she asks him? He says, “I can’t talk to you about that?” or “Ask your mom?” That is going to teach her same.
Genitals are just body parts at this age. Unless you think your husband can’t be trusted to talk to her about them, but then you’ve got seriously much bigger problems that him just telling her that it’s called a vagina.
What? You will not *allow* your husband to talk to your daughter about sex? There are two major problems here:
1) you appear to believe you somehow have authority to decide all things child-related, and that you can tell your husband what is “allowed”. As a father and a husband I certainly would not accept that attitude. I’m my partners equal and as much a parent as she is. We may disagree and then we talk to either find common ground or agree to disagree. But anything that start with “I will not allow” would be refused.
2) you appear to believe that women (mothers) are better placed to talk about sex than men, and that only men can be pedophiles. It’s a terrible view of men and mens sexuality. Talking to your children about sex and about bodyparts is not only perfectly natural, it’s every parents responsibility to do so, in a way that make children comfortable with their own body. If your construct a reality where your kids can talk about these things with only women and actively exclude your husband, you run the risk of giving them an unhealthy view of sexuality. Kids are observant – they will sense right away that there’s something going on there with their father, and that whatever it is is *wrong* and “bad*.
You may have som bad hangups – it sounds like it. Please do no pass them on to your children.
I couldn’t even think of a criticism for this if I tried, it’s become one of my favorite articles I’ve read recently. Well done.
I felt a little smug reading this, as I had done most of them without thinking twice about them — though one can’t be good at everything, I learned, I could support her endeavors when her skill or enthusiasm exceded my own for a particular task or adventure.
Once my daughter asked if I’d rather have had a son. This was a relevant question since she was adopted and, presumably, there might have been a choice. I told her that she was worth 20 boys to me. Now she is married to a great man and I’m looking forward to being a grandfather in a couple months.
Where once I thougt being a gay dad was exciting and new, now, being a part of the first generation of gay grandparents finds my amazed that there are, in fact, so many of us.
As a 30 year old father of 2 little girls, the one thing I relearn every day is that I have no clue as to what I am doing. I love articles like this that not only give sound counsel but also gives me comfort that there are folks on the other side of the country in the midst of the same battle
Some great tips here! I wholeheartedly agree with tip 13, (about dressing up like a princess)…although one time I needed to answer the door and I’d forgotten to take off the princess tiara! Thankfully the postie understood. I guess he has daughters too!
#18, the accompanying picture is exactly how my dad ended up dislocating my aunt’s arm when they were kids. At the time, my grandparents weren’t well off and a trip to the doctor was out of the question. The injury caused a deep rift between them for years to come and my grandfather took out a mistake made during innocent play on my dad for decades to come. Seems like the editors of the article could use a little more common sense in picking which photos, is all I’m saying.
Great advice, even if I don’t agree with them all. Nothing is ever 100% one way and zero the other. I appreciate ANYONE sharing what works for them. As an older father to an 8 year old daughter I find raising her the biggest joy in my life and so far so good.