I’ve known quite a few males who have uttered this statement to me when they find out they are having a baby. “We are pregnant!!”. I have been genuinely happy for them. However, the happiness is always tinged by a touch of revulsion at the statement. I can definitely say that I feel happier for other people who have chosen the far less emasculating “We’re having a baby” or, “My wife is pregnant!”.
I don’t know why this statement fills me with disgust. I’d say I like hearing that statement as much as I’d like to hear the words “Administer rectally” from my doctor. I’m fairly certain that these same men don’t go around proclaiming “We are having our period” or “We’re staying in to watch Lifetime tonight”. Well, maybe some of my friends would say that last one.
To be honest it sort of feels like they are stealing some of the thunder from the woman who is actually pregnant. They are the ones who are about to go through the ordeal of pregnancy and need to cope with the myriad of issues involved with it. Physical and emotional changes, keeping track of what’s happening to ensure good health, hot/cold/hot/ super hot flashes, potentially becoming suddenly allergic to foods (shellfish and cooking in my wife’s case), aching backs/feet and the biggest hit…no booze!!! Meanwhile, the worst thing we men have to watch out for is late night food requests (honey, do you know anyplace that serves Moo Shu Pork , venison and Blueberry Brownies at 3 am??) and a touch of the batshit crazies here and there. We can’t go around claiming that we are pregnant because of it! If anything we come out way ahead in so many ways! Just think, no more arguments over who is going to drive home from your friends’ barbeque. 9 months of free designated driver duties!!!!
So, the next time a friend cracks a celebratory beer, smiles broadly and announces “We are pregnant”, I suggest you wind up and punch him directly in his “baby-laden vagina”. Hopefully this will remind him that while he is a major part of this, he is not actually with child.
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This post and photo was reprinted from Life of Dad.
I honestly prefer ‘we’, (and we are expecting now, by the way). It is a personal preference, and I think that a person having really dramatic feelings about it says more about the nature/quality of a couple’s individual relationship than it does anything else. As the woman, if you don’t feel totally supported/appreciated, taken care of, then you are probably going to resent the use of ‘we’. As the man, if you are secretly creeped/weirded out, distracted, or just not completely intimately connected with your partner then it will probably bother you too. Take some responsibility! And for that matter,… Read more »
Marcus, I sympathize with your fertility problems. I never experienced it, but I’m understand the stress as my sister and her husband had to undergo many infertility treatments, some which resulted in miscarriages, and I was with them every step of the way. Additionally, my best childhood friend and her husband were both infertile and unable to have children. My husband and I never “embraced” the phrase “We are pregnant” and I never “disparaged” anyone for using it. We were young and naive and like most newly expectant couples didn’t fully understand what the pregnancy and child birth experience actually… Read more »
“I never experienced it, but I’m understand the stress as my sister and her husband had to undergo many infertility treatments, some which resulted in miscarriages, and I was with them every step of the way. Additionally, my best childhood friend and her husband were both infertile and unable to have children.” Sorry, but since you didn’t experience it first hand, you do not understand. It is beyond the realm of your comprehension or imagination. What I just wrote, right there, that was extremely snarky and rude. I don’t actually believe it, by the way. But I’m trying to use… Read more »
Heather, I’m going to stop debating with you right here. You have not been pregnant and have had neither the male or female experience. Your best bet is to purchase a stack of pregnancy and early childhood books and start making your way through them instead of arguing about something you know nothing about.
Then explain it to me. Explain to me how you saying you understand the stress of infertility by being with your sister and her husband through the experience is any different than a man (or friend, or family member) saying s/he understands pregnancy by being with his/her wife/friend/whatever through the experience.
Heather, you have a reading comprehension problem and I can’t help you with that. Understanding “stress” is not the same thing as understanding “Infertility.” Capiche?
You were referring to the specific stress of infertility yes? Not generalized stress. If so Heathers question stands. Humans have an extraordinary ability to imagine and empathize . If you can imagine and relate to their infertility stress it stands that Marcus and Eric and Heather can imagine and relate to pregnancy. Else we’d never have writers, storytellers creating amazing tales of things theyve not personally experienced.
And though she was too kind to mention it again, Katie, Julie already strongly disagreed with the generalizations you’re making to all pregnancies, and she is an actual veteran of pregnancy (a.k.a. “mother”), so even pregnancy is not the magic key to agreeing with you that you keep asserting.
The strong reaction you’re getting is much less about the phrase now (“we’re pregnant”) and more about you denying men or even never-pregnant women the ability to have genuine empathy, which is rather astounding since you claim a capacity for empathy yourself when it comes to infertility, based on second-hand experience.
Marcus, I’m talking to a very small population of readers and employees of a men’s rights website with an agenda, so when five commenters/moderators say “We all believe this so you’re wrong!” – it doesn’t mean that much. It’s like walking into a Newt Gingrich moon colony planning committee meeting and voicing skepticism. Most of the MRA beliefs expressed on this website are not those of the general population. Most expectant fathers do not view themselves as pregnant and most proudly say they don’t do housework or child rearing and that their wife does it all. You’re entitled to your… Read more »
Katie, your disagreement may be strong, but your arguments are weak. How do reconcile your claim of understanding about infertility stress – which you have not experienced firsthand – with your denial of anyone else’s ability understand pregnancy unless they’ve been been pregnant? I’m trying really hard to find some common ground, so here’s a bit I can agree with: Most expectant fathers do not view themselves as pregnant… I agree! Even men who say “we’re pregnant” do not view themselves as pregnant. No one ever said they did. What men and women who say that often mean, however, is… Read more »
That’s hilarious! There have been a few MRAs to post here accusing Tom and the site of being a feminist takeover! Imagine my surprise that I might be considered an MRA! I’m a humanist mostly with a long and storied history in feminist thought, LGBT issues and human sexuality. I’m also an artist with a firm belief that human beings have the creative capacity for imagination and empathy. Otherwise like I said no one would ever ever be able to create novels or movies unless they’d done all the things in them. I’m also pretty clear people use words differently… Read more »
Well I’d like to add that I’m in complete agreement with Marcus and Julie, here. Also…I think I’m more surprised than Julie at being given the label MRA. Just a hop, skip and a jump away on another article I’m fervently trying to convince a couple people that I’m not a radical feminist.
Anyway…other then that I’ve got nothing to add. 🙂
“Most expectant fathers do not view themselves as pregnant and most proudly say they don’t do housework or child rearing and that their wife does it all.”
Post proof that MOST say/do that please, otherwise you’re just generalizing in a negative and quite misandrous way.
Well said, heather.
@Heather
I agree well said.
[This is in reply to Katie’s comment yesterday in which she suggested I was not ready to become a father. The comments from her and other people got so deeply nested this wouldn’t even look like a direct reply if I used the Reply button, so I’m starting a new branch.] Wow, Katie, you’ve gone from bad to worse. You could have explained why the phrase “We’re pregnant” once worked for you and then didn’t, and left it as a difference of opinion. Instead, you look like a hypocrite for having once embraced the phrase, but now disparage anyone who… Read more »
Just want to say, Marcus, thank you for sharing your very personal experience and story.
Thanks for sharing that, Marcus. I second Heather.
I don’t know…I’m four months pregnant and my husband puts up with a lot more than late-night food requests and “a touch of the batshit crazies here and there” (understatement of the year). I don’t have any problem with him taking some of the credit.
Karen, you are demeaning yourself . Your husband “puts up with” you for carrying his child? Your husband should be taking on additional responsibilities just as you have taken on the responsibility of carrying his child. What happens to a woman emotionally during pregnancy can be very difficult, and your state of mind may be different and seemingly erratic, but it’s your body preparing you to be a mother. Describing your pregnant thoughts as “batshit crazies” shows really low self-esteem. Hopefully your husband is not calling you batshit crazy while simultaneously taking credit for carrying the baby.
In a way, Karen is right. We aren’t carrying the child for the man. We chose (usually with our partners) to start a family and it can be just as difficult for the father (or other mother) as it is for the mother. Especially when your partner is a freaking Empath, like my fiance’. Poor guy has more sympathy pains than I have skin cells, and some of us like it when the partner chooses to say “we’re pregnant”. Hell, I asked my man to phrase it that way and he was more than happy to do it. They aren’t… Read more »
I agree with you. A lot of times it’s tougher to watch someone you love go through something than it is to go through it yourself. You’ll experience this the first time your child is sick especially when the child is too young to tell you what is wrong.
BSH–!! That line is so full of crap. Any honest man would never say it.
I despise that phrase, too! For slightly different reasons, but yeah, it makes me nauseous.
I’ve only heard men say this phrase, incidentally.
Clearly a man without a uterus is not pregnant. He is obviously not legally pregnant, because he doesn’t share the same reproductive rights at that point. If he were the actual pregnant one, he would have the right to terminate the pregnancy (under finite conditions). If “we” could be pregnant then “we” could decide to have an abortion, but it doesn’t really work like that, does it.
Leaving aside for the moment another unavoidable biological fact – she is clearly the mother, but is he biologically the father?
Actually SOME GUY…there are those (and there have been numerous articles on this) that believe that if men were suddenly the ones to become pregnant that within 5 years, abortion would be illegal.
I have often wondered how many so-called pro choice feminists would remain so IF men could become pregnant.
Um…Bodily Autonomy. I’m pro-choice whether it’s a male or a female who is pregnant. Most of the pro-choice people I know aren’t pro-choice because of the fact that it’s a _woman_ who is pregnant…they’re pro-choice because they believe that people should have control over their own bodies. Actually, quite a few of the pro-choice people I know aren’t feminists and are men.
The “what if men were the ones who…” counterfactual is a powerful thought experiment that can be useful in some cases, but ultimately it’s a deeply flawed way to proceed, because it relies on all sorts of other counterfactuals that have to be worked out before it can work. Powerful rhetoric, but usually a dead end. For example, if men got pregnant, where exactly would the baby come out during natural childbirth? If you thought vaginal delivery was painful, imagine a urethral delivery. Ouch! Would men’s brains also get the same oxytocin and other chemicals to moderate the pain, or… Read more »
Mommy’s baby Daddy’s maybe, some people on another forum suggested that men have DNA testing done to establish that they are the father when the baby is born. Others suggested that it should be routinely done by the hospitals. DNA testing is only exclusionary though and can’t tell you if you’re the father. It can only tell you if you’re not the father. I guess there would be no way for him to know if that were his child until the child was actually born.
I always got the impression that ‘we’re pregnant’ was something that women said, to feel more like a team, and that some men followed suit, to be supportive. I can’t imagine a man who’d say that phrase while his woman did not or objected to it. I wouldn’t throw any dudes under the bus; seems like it’s the women who’re saying this and they’re pregnant so… Don’t throw them under the bus, either. All this said, yeah, it’s a cheesy phrase. I wouldn’t say it and if my husband said it I’d be like, ‘huh?’. But, again, I don’t think… Read more »
Enjoyed this piece, Patrick. It also makes me cringe when men (and women) use “we” for the pregnancy. Of course I understand that they’re trying to get involved and take on the responsibility and significance but at the end of the day it’s just factually inaccurate. No, it’s not worth getting angry over but does sound pretty daft, especially when you could just as easily, happily and effectively get the message across by saying “we are having a baby”. Yes, gents, THAT is something you guys are doing together, being pregnant, I’m afraid, isn’t. Just for amusement’s sake, I might… Read more »
I suppose you can make your guy sit to pee.
Ha! Thanks Francesca!
Just to add some perspective here. I am a very good guitar player, I have done a ton of session work, have played with some of the biggest names in the music business and I feel comfortable saying that I am probably in the top 10% of guitar players, which means that I can do something that 90% (roughly) of the people on the planet can’t do. Just think how utterly silly it would be if I started to tout my own horn as much as some women I have known about being pregnant and just how special it is.… Read more »
Well, I agree with you that it’s silly to treat pregnancy like something magical and special, but women don’t do it to hold it over men, in my opinion. Men act just as ridiculously when going on and on about how awesome and special they feel for impregnating their babymomma, so it’s not just a thing that women do. People in general act like they’re the first ones in the history of forever to figure out how to reproduce. I think it’s from today’s emphasis on treating kids like little princes and princesses who are special snowflakes and can do… Read more »
In my experience it is though. I have never heard one of my male friends go ON AND ON AND ON about their wives being pregnant. But the wives…omfg..
I do agree though that for some reason we as a western society treat children as little GODS on earth. As a comedian once said “When did children become more important than people”
John, as a male, pregnancy is beyond your comprehension. Like a cat won’t do tricks like a dog and a dog doesn’t groom like a cat, it’s not in your make-up. Certainly you have the intelligence to accept that there are things beyond your imagination and control, yes?
I will again poke in to defend John (and frankly all the men here…because this is a men’s site after all): As a male, pregnancy is beyond John’s experience. As a female who never plans on getting pregnant, pregnancy is beyond my experience. But that doesn’t mean it’s beyond our comprehension or imagination. I have never experienced an erection (seeing as I’m female) but that doesn’t mean I can’t have it described to me in such a way as I comprehend it. We communicate with each other in part to share our experiences. You could tell me all about your… Read more »
Heather, as well as a parent of three children, I’m also a teacher who listens to kids and parents all day long. Additionally, with each of my babies I belonged to one-to-three moms’ groups for support, where you hear amazing things shared with nobody else. We used to have weekend meetings too and bring our husbands – or rather our husbands would ask us to arrange for them to meet each other. They were too anxious/shy to contact each other, but they really enjoyed sharing their new experiences as dads with each other and it seemed like a big relief… Read more »
I will say that I’ve heard fewer men going on and on about their pregnant wives…but I have definitely heard it. A cousin of mine’s wife just recently had a baby. I’m friends with both of them on facebook…and seriously every other post from my cousin was about his wife being pregnant. And now that they’ve had the baby…he’s posting about nothing else. His wife posts about their baby too, of course….but my cousin is like totally going overboard. I think it’s pretty sweet – considering the baby’s only a month old. If it keeps up when the kid’s going… Read more »
Remember this folks, Childbirth is NOT A FREAKING MIRACLE, it isn’t uncommon, it isn’t even that special. This viewing of pregnancy as some sort of holy grail just gets on my nerves, it really does. Einstein was a very special human being for example…..It did and though up some really fantastic things. Now just how special would he be if approx half the human population that has ever existed was as smart as he was and did the things he was able to do. He wouldn’t be special at all. About half the human beings on this planet can become… Read more »
Definitely. Well said.
Jesus, take down that picture, I just ate my breakfast ;/
Pregnant Again? I thought this happened a long time ago!!!!!!
“I suggest you wind up and punch him directly in his “baby-laden vagina”.”
I should certainly hope no one’s vagina has a baby in it, unless it is during childbirth.
😉 Just being snarky.
I think it’s mostly said so he can feel connected to the pregnancy, but if it were me I’d also be scared shitless. I twisted an ankle once and still carried 40 or so pounds of equipment a couple hundred feet or so. Did it hurt? It did, but it hurt me. I’m not afraid of blood. I’m afraid of seeing other people bleeding at least women and children. I think seeing someone I loved in physical pain or discomfort and be able to do very little about it would drive me crazy. I can almost see where this phrase… Read more »
The photo of the pregnant man doesnt shock me, but then Im not shocked by women with moustaches or beards
Good story, good point. Both me and my husband went around saying this early in my first pregnancy “We’re pregnant!”. But as dawn to dark morning sickness incapacitated me into the fifth month and I was on IVs and my back was killing me and a hundred uncomfortable things were happening to my body, it became pretty clear to both of us exactly who was making the baby. Actually it’s a good point to distinguish this early on because you both have such different roles. I needed a man like never before to take care of me while I went… Read more »
As much as a man may desire to be able to be pregnant or have more of a bodily connection to his unborn child, as much as he feels he wants to support his partner, a man can PHYSICALLY never be pregnant, unless he is a trans man, but that’s something different than what I think we’re talking about here. Until there’s a way for a man to carry his child in his body and give birth to it, logically he cannot be pregnant until then. I think that’s what the author was suggesting although I do the think his… Read more »
Amen. I’d rather hear fathers say with enthusiasm: “My wife is pregnant!” and additionally “I’m excited to become a father!. “We’re having a baby” is very much the same as “We’re pregnant” and neither of these describes the truth; they’re superficial. I would raise an eyebrow if I ever heard these being spoken. And the image chosen for this topic, I feel, is thoughtfully appropriate for this topic. I would love to see men as supportive of women, as some are for a woman with child, with some new phrases : “We’re having PMS!”, “We’re getting a Pap Smear!”, or… Read more »
Many people don’t “get” the concept of oneness in a monogamous marriage. That is what is often in evidence of that expression. I probably said something that would raised your eyebrows because my wife and I have always considered ourselves one. Hence, despite not planning for any of the kids, I was extraordinarily happy and involved. What impacts her, impacts me (and vice-versa) because we are one. Not mundane things, but things that have a major impact on each other’s lives. We’ve had triumphs with tragedies together and in each other’s families. Whether it’s us together, or her side or… Read more »
Eh. A relationship doesn’t make two people “one”. Like it or not you’re still separate people and others will always, and should always, treat you as such. Expecting people to treat you like a unit is a little nuts if you ask me. Yes, your lives impact each other’s, but you have separate experiences in life and throughout life, like it or not.
No, “we” are not pregnant. One of you is pregnant, if that indeed is the case.
As I predicted, “Many people don’t “get” the concept of oneness in a monogamous marriage.” To help you grasp the concept of one-ness amongst more than one person, ask some preschoolers to explain the meaning of Lion King song “We are One.” Even 3 and 4 years olds get the concept that two or more people can think and act as one, yet remain seperate individuals. Or, if little kids are too hard to come by, check with a Frank Beveraly and Maze fan and ask them to explain to you the lyrics of his “We are One” hit song.… Read more »
So much sarcasm there, Eric! I’m pretty sure that Jill understands the concept, but rejects it. Lots of people love the idea of being “one” and it’s a very romantic idea-thus the music, movies and political rallies. Fundamentally, while two or more people have the ability to dissolve ego boundaries ever so briefly and feel a sense of union, each person is, for better or worse, firmly stuck in their own body/mind. People can share those experiences and make decisions together, stick together, work through changes together but I’m a pretty staunch advocate of remaining pragmatic in the understanding that… Read more »
Julie, sorry for the scarcasm but I’ve never heard anyone who objected to the concept in any other context. You are genetally correct in your explanation. Thanks.
Julie, sorry for the scarcasm but I’ve never heard anyone who objected to the concept in any other context. You are generally correct in your explanation. Thanks.
I just want to add that I think the concept of “YOU MUST BECOME ONE PERSON!” in relationships is super damaging. Another person can only fill maybe 20% of your needs (just the ones you can’t get outside the relationship) everything else must come from your own self. Expecting to become “one” with another person is dysfunctional.
Hence, I’ve been happily married for 20+ years whereas people who think as above enjoy a 50% divorce rate and much misery along the way.
I’m guessing there is a disconnect here. Eric when you are talking about one person do you mean that your wife is your only friend, confidante, resource? Do you mean that there are no arguments, disagreements and you operate as if in a hive mind? Cause I don’t think that’s what Eric means. My guess is, and Eric please clarify if I am incorrect, is that he places his spouse in the first position always. Her opinions are probably the most valuable to him, her humor and good will, the most desired. Other people are most likely valuable to him… Read more »
Hey everyone. I am the author of the post. It seems like you all think I’m enraged by the term, but I’m not. This post is originally from Life Of Dad which is a website where we make light of being a dad and fatherhood in general. It’s meant to be a tongue in cheek ribbing of some men out there. As for me, I went through two pregnancies with my wife that accumulated a total of 6 months of strict bedrest for her, 3 weeks of ICU, and I was with her every step of the way. Sorry for… Read more »
It will come as no surprise that I don’t find the image of the pregnant man hideous. Shocking and thought provoking yes, and also a grand statement of what might be possible in our futures, but not hideous.
That picture is a real picture. It’s of a man who was formerly a woman. I forget the exact specifics of it, but she went for gender reassignment surgery, but thought she might want kids. So she kept certain parts intact. Then when he was ready he became pregnant and I’m pretty sure everything went smoothly.
Yes, I know the story. Thought provoking…
…and also a grand statement of what might be possible in our futures,… If I had been born in the future I would have been such an augmentation and modification junkie. eg. Spending time in different bodies across the sex spectrum. Experiencing life through different ethnic appearances etc. Be able to walk on the ceiling. Plus, Ive often wanted Trilllike/leopard spots running down the sides of my body. Yeah in the future we’d have artificial external wombs. Howver I wonder how many men would be down for ‘cooking the baby’ in their bodies, to experience what it is to carry… Read more »
So there is a website which you have read or frequent where you make fun of dads, holy crap , really.
http://www.lifeofdad.com They’re currently also raising money for Children’s Hospital Los Angeles. For any new people joining Ralph’s grocery stores donates $1.
This is a ridiculous post. While I tend to agree that it is a bit of a strange phrase, it shouldn’t invoke such rage (and suggestions of violence, even if you are joking). The phrase tends to be used by men wanting to indicate that “my partner and I are in this together.” I have also heard many women use the phrase.
If you feel emasculated by something this trivial then I think you may need to take a deep look at how confident you are in your own masculinity.
It’s not rage. See below.
Seriously? I mean, I could see your point if he said “Our water just broke” or “We’re 3 cm’s dilated” but come on, dude! Would you prefer “We’re having a baby”? Or, how about “I ain’t dat baby daddy”? For my money, if a man who feels that close to his pregnant wife so as to put himself into the experience with her (“we’re pregnant) as much as he can, that can’t be a bad thing. He is far more likely to end up being an engaged father than the “I ain’t dat baby daddy” guy. But thanks for contributing… Read more »
“But thanks for contributing though I could have done without the picture,”
It’s Thomas Beattie…a transman who gave birth to two kids…I think it was two.
I agree with Eric’s middle paragraph especially. No man who says “We’re pregnant” is seriously claiming to be physiologically pregnant, but there’s more to pregnancy than just incubation and delivery, and I agree that a man (or woman) who says “we’re pregnant” is just acknowledging that larger meaning and how shared an experience it is to both of them. I also think Anthony is correct above that this way of looking at it is even more common when fertility treatments are involved, in which case the fathers play a far larger role in trying to get pregnant than the old-fashioned… Read more »
Marcus, the process of conceiving (infertility treatments or not) is dwarfed, completely usurped by the experiences of being pregnant and giving birth. And it doesn’t stop there because when a woman is nursing, her mind and her body are physically operating differently than they did before she was pregnant.
It is a very different experience for women than it is for men. For men, they fulfill themselves by assuming the responsibility for taking care of the mother so that she can take care of her baby in comfort and without worry or fear.
Honestly, Katie, your comment makes me angry. I suspect I’m reading into it more than you meant, but for the life of me, I can’t read it as anything other than telling men to stay out of pregnancy because it’s none of their f***ing business. It’s all about the woman, no matter how much a man might care or empathize, and to the extent he wants to be involved, his “fulfillment” should come from tending to her to take care of HER baby. You didn’t say “their baby”, you said “her baby”, which is especially galling in the case of… Read more »
Marcus, what part of ” taking care of the mother so that she can take care of her baby in comfort and without worry or fear,” indicates “shoving men to the sidelines” and “telling men to stay out of the pregnancy because it’s none of their f**** business”? Now that she’s pregnant you’re cooking and shopping for her, giving her foot and back massages every day, carrying the laundry for her, reading all the baby books she throws at you, shopping for baby stuff with her, painting and setting up a nursery with her, going to delivery classes with her,… Read more »
The parts where you said the man’s role is completely dwarfed and usurped by the woman’s, and where you say her baby. The rest of what you describe sounds a bit like servitude to me since you are unwilling to admit a man’s share in any part of the pregnancy since he isn’t physically the one pregnant, but I’m willing to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume you completely support an enthusiastic and involved father just like I do, and all we’re really quibbling over is word choice. Can you give me and other men the same… Read more »
Marcus, during the first months of my first pregnancy BOTH my husband and I would say, “We are pregnant,” but we found out this is inaccurate and misleading. Throughout the pregnancy I was so incapacitated with 24/7 “morning” sickness I couldn’t drive and needed an IV and an old forgotten back injury flared up so I couldn’t even climb stairs. My husband’s active, funny, independent wife had become a weak, worried, suffering, needy person and he had to do everything for me. This is common. This is actually nature’s best preparation for a man to become a father, where he’ll… Read more »
Alright I’ll butt my little head in…Katie, in this comment it seriously sounds like you are comparing a pregnant woman to a baby. I’ve never been pregnant, but I have known plenty of pregnant women…and it’s not as if they are suddenly reduced to a child-like state. Most of the pregnant women I’ve known go through periods of morning sickness, etc…but they mostly get on with their lives unless there’s complications. If they can afford it, they’ll take the last month or so off of work. But they most certainly are _not_ child-like. And I’m curious what you mean by… Read more »
Heather, if you have not been pregnant, it’s impossible to accurately imagine the experience. Even the most prepared women say, “I had no idea it would be like this.” My OB told me how she personally, as an athlete and doctor, confidently prepared to deliver her son naturally, but the experience was such an agonizing disaster – 48 hours of hell – that she wouldn’t even look at her newborn for two days. Pregnant women are unlikely to share the most intimate and humiliating aspects of pregnancy with a non-mom, just like most divorced women only share that stuff with… Read more »
I”ve had two children, and your version of the experience is not accurate for me. It is hard, yes. There are periods of time that suck, yes. It’s really really useful to have another person or two to help you during the last few weeks, labor and first three months, yes. But women do it alone. They do it with paid help. They do it with a lot of folks. I never felt like my human needs weren’t within my grasp save for labor, delivery and maybe a week or two after childbirth. Did I rely on my husband? Sure.… Read more »
Thank you Julie…I was going to point out that some of the pregnant women I know have actually shared a lot of the gruesome details. These aren’t just casual acquaintances…they’re family. And my family talks about pregnancy a lot…I dunno why, but we do. So no, I haven’t ever been pregnant and so I do not know about it first hand. But that doesn’t mean that my opinion is completely invalid. I think the most important thing I have taken away from all of the pregnancy stories I have heard is exactly what Julie mentioned…everyone’s birth is quite different. A… Read more »
Marcus is a dad, he has twins and he’s been their stay at home parent most of their lives. His point of servitude had to do with what he was picking up in your comments not that he feels he is a servant. Regardless of who the baby prefers/needs, the baby is 50/50 dna of both parents. As much as we can say a baby “belongs” to anyone, he/she belongs to both parents. And both parents should (and do) realize there will be a disparity of care at various points in that child’s development. She is their child and while… Read more »
Julie, I’m sure Marcus is capable of speaking for himself. It’s not your job. I’m not a lesbian and it’s not for me to speak to their specific situation just as it’s pointless for non-parents to strongly opine on pregnancy, something they really know very little about. That truly is childlike thinking and behavior. Reading books is way different than real life. You talk about legal ownership of a child as if a court room contract is a great way to delegate the raising of a child. That contract is the last-ditch, undesirable, inadequate default when the relationship has fallen… Read more »
Wow, many of us comment on each other’s posts here and you are absolutely right he can speak up for himself. And I have his back and he knows that, especially when people have the wrong information about him. He’s an amazing father. I do not talk about legal ownership that way. I was commenting on your post about the baby being “hers” while she’s breastfeeding. The couple created that baby together. And each parent raises that baby together. Like a family. I’m a parent myself, have two boys, raised with my husband. We both parented them and they are… Read more »
Julie, there are several inaccuracies in your last comment. I said the baby is “hers” for the first couple months, not “during breastfeeding” which can last up to two years. Dads who regularly help take care of baby establish their own relationship with baby at around two-three months. This: “And each parent raises that baby together. Like a family.” Maybe in your family, but in this country, most baby care is done by mom. Although dad may care for baby between 6-10 pm, mom often cares for baby from 7 am – 6 pm and yes, those additional hours result… Read more »
Katie, I have never been pregnant but have worked with pregnant women on a volunteer basis for years and very likely know more about the various things that can go wrong than do most women who have given birth multiple times. I don’t think anyone is trying to claim that men know exactly how it FEELS to be pregnant. But, come on, you act as if women haven’t given birth billions of times. Secondly, my wife did breastfeed the kids, and when they wanted comfort, they often wanted that. However, I did all the baths (100%). Mom literally never gave… Read more »
Eric, no one’s refuting that some men do more of the work of child care than other men.
But I will refute your statement, “you act is if women haven’t given birth millions of times.” Most women in the U.S. give birth to children one to four times (not millions) in their life, and each time it is an earthshaking event for most of them. That you can’t grasp this speaks to the fact that men can’t really comprehend the enormity of pregnancy and childbirth for a woman.
“I’m not a lesbian and it’s not for me to speak to their specific situation just as it’s pointless for non-parents to strongly opine on pregnancy, something they really know very little about.” And now I’m out of a job…because what I do is speak for entire cultures that haven’t existed for thousands of years. (I’m an archaeologist, by the way). Just because I haven’t experienced something first-hand doesn’t mean I can’t discuss it. It just means my perspective is different….not invalid, just different. Katie, you are making some very sweeping generalizations about pregnancy and motherhood (particularly in the first… Read more »
Heather, besides a parent, I’m also a teacher who has had hundreds and hundreds of parents sitting in front of my desk telling me about their children and family problems. Aside from all that, school systems do a good job of educating teachers about family issues, so we probably have more information than most. Like I said, some women do not have debilitating problems during pregnancy, but a host of unforeseen debilitating problems await them in childbirth and early motherhood ASSOCIATED WITH THAT PREGNANCY, when it may seem “over” to her husband. Being temporarily handicapped no way means “child-like.” Someday,… Read more »
“Eric, childbirth is never common when you are the one giving birth.”
Sorry, but anything that’s done tens of millions of times a year, and that can be done by most any healthy woman between 15 and 45 is pretty darn common.
“Although some women give birth with less difficulty than others, you will never, ever find one who says, “This one is popping out with ease!” “
Perhaps you’ve never heard about this but some women have given birth by surprise, not even knowing that they were pregnant. So, yeah, some women do pop them out with ease.
Katie – Some women are on bed rest for 36 or more weeks whereas others give birth without ever knowing they were pregnant (hint: there’s this new thing called Google. Check for yourself), and a broad spectrum in between. Near one end is my mother had never had morning sickness (3 babies), virtually no labor pains, and almost had me on the floor of the car because I came so fast. A friend of mine works until her day of delivery, and goes to the hospital and gives birth in the evening. She’s done that twice. These are facts of… Read more »
Katie – That was Billions (with a B), not millions. I’m not saying that childbirth is a picnic but it’s extraordinarily common. And, the experience is different for different women. Some can barely have one; others can pop babies out with ease, with relatively little pain – and sometimes so fast they can’t make it to the hospital. For example, I myself came very, very close to being born in the car. I’ve known women who hated being pregnant but also women who LOVE being pregnant. It’s pure joy to them. If you want to call that enormity, fine, but… Read more »
Eric, childbirth is never common when you are the one giving birth. Although some women give birth with less difficulty than others, you will never, ever find one who says, “This one is popping out with ease!” Most women love being pregnant and feel pure joy at times, even if they’re ill or incapacitated. You have no idea what these hormones can do to you. During my first pregnancy I swore I would never do it again. Twenty minutes after delivery when my husband was still shaking from the experience, I sat up and said, “Let’s have another one!” And… Read more »
Oops. Sorry, replied to the posting above not yours. My bad.
Eric, stories of women giving birth without knowing they’re pregnant are sketchy tabloid material. It seems people on this forum have to reach into the realm of fantasy and freakishness – instant babies and a man giving birth to babies – to justify their cause that pregnancy is a shared experience with a man. Although a naive, excited couple might say “We’re pregnant” in the early days, it makes more sense to say, “We’re having a baby!” – and it definitely includes the man. Conception is a shared experience and raising children can be, but pregnancy definitely is not, at… Read more »
Katie, “Eric, stories of women giving birth without knowing they’re pregnant are sketchy tabloid material. It seems people on this forum have to reach into the realm of fantasy and freakishness – instant babies and a man giving birth to babies” I would never recommend that people watch even more TV, but perhaps you should at least get to know what’s going on in the world. The Discovery Channel, Time Magazine, and TLC, and other non-tabloids have all run stories on girls and women giving birth without knowing they were pregnant. I know this flies in the face of your… Read more »
Eric, pop culture websites, including GMP, are in the business of page views. Television programming is in the business of ratings. Sensationalized stories are the bread and butter of both mediums.
Time is a NEWS MAGAZINE. Wake up.
Eric, rhetorically, bringing freakish stories of “females who have babies without knowing they’re pregnant” into your line of reasoning is a propaganda device known as a “red herring” and discredits your voice as a credible source. To humor you, I’ll allow that there was a case of a morbidly obese inner city teenager with diminished mental capacity who delivered a premature baby in a school toilet stall and threw it out, and another obese teenager who initially said she didn’t know, but later admitted she was afraid to tell her parents, but let’s agree these sad and unusual stories are… Read more »
omfg. Eric I’m agreeing with you. But this seems to be going down the road of argument, so I’ll try to explain where I think Eric is coming from (please correct me if I’m wrong, here Eric). It is frustrating and quite insulting to be told that you are complete unable to comprehend something because of what you are. Katie, by saying ‘you are male you can’t possibly understand,’ you are shutting down any dialogue and dismissing the guys’ points of view. It’s like you’re saying – ‘shut up you man, the women are talking about womenly things right now.’… Read more »
Heather, using hyperbole rarely advances your argument. You deliberately misrepresent my words when you allege my comments state ‘you are male you can’t possibly understand.’
Quote that passage, Heather, or retract that statement.
“John, as a male, pregnancy is beyond your comprehension.”
You said that. Right there. That is what you said. Perhaps that is not what you meant to say…but you did say it.
You’re right Anthony, maybe just a light flick instead.
Infertility treatment makes it a “we”. Also, in a world overflowing with gratuitous violence, do you really think it is a good idea to respond to a trivial lexical issue with “punch him directly in his …”?
Anthony, you’re confused. The woman is making the baby, not the man, infertility treatments or not. The experience is stressful for both, but it’s a very physical experience for the woman, way beyond the emotional stress. Being pregnant is an experience a man can never have or fully understand.
I agree. However, I think the “we” is used because of the desire for it to be a partnership. Maybe guys who are wanting to indicate a shared announcement should use “We’re having a baby!”
All this from a phrase?
It would be one thing if later on he’s talking about how hard labor was or how miserable it was those last few months but to me just saying, “We’re pregnant.” doesn’t seem to be stealing any thunder.
Yeah I was kind of going to say the same thing as Danny, here. I mean if anything, using the phrase “we’re pregnant,” sort of indicates that the soon-to-be father is excited about it. If he said, “my wife/girlfriend is pregnant,” it sort of takes away the inclusiveness that creating a child entails.