Trigger warning for mentions of rape and violence.
When I was a freshman in high school, I and my friends were Cool Chicks.
We weren’t like those other girls, the ones who were passive and weak and giggled and watched romantic comedies and thought about their hair and makeup. Those girls were stupid and frivolous and vapid, and we made fun of them. No, we were Cool. We liked fantasy novels and action movies and anime! We laughed at “that’s what she said” jokes and “make me a sandwich” humor and South Park quotes! We fake-fought with each other and laughed off pain and never cried! We were just like the guys in every way!
Around this time, I was also beginning to really get into feminism. I was proud of myself. I defied convention and gender roles. My adoption of male gender norms wholesale was truly a feminist act. After all, all the stuff girls did was stupid, and the stuff boys did was fun, and–
…hey, wait a minute.
Julia Serano, in Whipping Girl (which is, in my opinion, a book that should be read by everyone interested in gender issues) discusses the concept of “femmephobia” in our society. Femmephobia is the devaluation, fear and hatred of the feminine: of softness, nurturance, dependence, emotions, passivity, sensitivity, grace, innocence and the color pink.
To a large degree, our culture has replaced the fear and hatred of women, with the fear and hatred of things commonly associated with women. I think this is… not so much progress, actually.
To see femmephobia in our society, it’s only necessary to look at the differences between how we treat masculine girls and feminine boys. A masculine girl is a “tomboy,” likely to be approved of by her parents; there are many programs to encourage girls in sports and in the sciences, stereotypically male fields. A feminine boy is a “sissy,” likely to be bullied by other boys and by girls; there are no programs to encourage boys in dance and in the humanities, stereotypically female fields.
As we get older, masculinity continues to be more acceptable for women than femininity for men. I own boxer shorts and ties, and I have short hair; at worst I’m considered to have a mildly eccentric fashion taste. A guy who dressed in as feminine a way as I dress masculine would have Transvestic Fetishism, a clinical mental illness. Men are encouraged not to cry, because it’s girly, but women are not discouraged from getting angry because it’s masculine. As I pointed out to one of my Cool Chick friends, “if any guy tried to act as girly as we act dudely, he’d get beaten up.”
Femmephobia can also be seen in marketing. We have diet soda, and we have diet soda FOR MEN; we have loofahs, and we have loofahs FOR MEN; we have canned soup, and we have canned soup FOR MEN. Men cannot be expected to consume feminine things like body care items or diet food or soup in cans (!?) unless it is specifically marked out as Not Girly, and therefore Not Bad. With a few obnoxious exceptions, such as tools for girls (they’re pink) or video games for girls (they’re pink and have Barbie), women who like traditionally masculine hobbies get to have the same fishing poles, golf clubs and bad Trekkie novels as the boys– because, since masculinity is valued, it doesn’t matter if a woman tries to become masculine.
The form of femmephobia most annoying to me occurs in feminist communities. It’s a difficult line to walk, because it is often necessary for feminism to critique femininity, the same way it is often necessary for masculism to critique masculinity. However, it is possible to critique femininity without critiquing feminine people. Choosing to be a stay-at-home mother, to abstain from sex until marriage, to remove body hair or to wear makeup and the other accourtrements of femininity does not somehow make you a bad feminist. That is ridiculous.
Perhaps the most tragic consequences can result when femmephobia intersects with homophobia and transphobia. The source of much homophobia against gay men, I think, is femmephobia: consider the association between having sex with men and a feminine gender performance that many homophobes claim exists. As for transphobia, well, there isn’t a single thing more girly than wanting to be a girl. And since being feminine is, for men, the worst thing possible (and even for women it’s a little disreputable), well…
Of the streak of gay teen suicides in 2010, the majority were men.
Of the trans people murdered in 2010, the overwhelming majority were trans women.
Femmephobia kills.
About ozyfrantz
@Ozy
“Because femininity is not debasing.”
I’m not the one *saying* it’s debasing.
“Our culture assumes that things-arbitrarily-labeled-masculine are better than things-arbitrarily-labeled-feminine, when really both have good and bad points.”
I disagree. Femininity may be seen as ‘weaker’ then masculinity, but it is certainly not seen as more capable or even as capable of evil.
“I think perhaps my problem is more women claiming supposedly effeminate activity as explicitly theirs, perhaps, and thus the reason males interested in feminine things are mocked by men and women alike is… misogyny.”
You mean like roller derby?
They’re calling men’s leagues as “merby” even though roller derby has been co-ed since the 1930s. It’s just the resurgence in popularity that has been more with punk women.
What’s idiotic though is that people opposed to men’s roller derby participation, both men and women, say “go play real sports” and “don’t steal the spotlight from women”. As if it was the only possibility that men would be taken more seriously, and that women who play roller derby are “not really playing sport”.
The reason women’s golf and basketball leagues are taken less seriously has to do with the relative youth of the league, and the fact that people perceive those sports about physical prowess tied to strength and height and nothing else. Like roller derby having strategy and other non-physical things at stake, I think women can out-compete men in many venues, by bypassing the strength of the others. In golf, having incredible aim can compensate for an incredible drive.
Also making the league explicitly girl-only doesn’t help, when you consider the men’s leagues are not explicitly guy-only. Implicit in that is that women can’t compete on the men’s level and HAVE to be isolated to even stand a chance. Making it look like special olympics isn’t going to make it more attractive to TV networks you know.
“You mean like roller derby?”
Roller derby is something we see as rough ‘n tumble, GRRRRL POWER, though… I’m more thinking along the lines of the sort of dainty, frilly things: “These are GIIIIIRL shampoos, a guy smelling like cucumber melon is silly” or “That book’s for GIRLS”
Say, playing the flute. I played in band all through high school — started on flute, picked up alto saxophone, and then bassoon. And while a girl can readily pick up a more “masculine” instrument like trombone or trumpet and be clapped on the back and praised for it, a guy who plays flute is instantly thought of as feminine and has his sexuality questioned and might be mocked behind his back. Never mind that the greatest flute players out there (Sir James Galway springs to mind) are male (I think it has to do with having larger hands making playing more comfortable). My little brother is similarly a woodwind player like myself, and he has avoided learning to play flute because that might make him a target, no matter how many sultry tenor sax songs he plays.
I don’t know all that much about sports, though — years back I was an equestrian (Western-style, in 4-H.), and in that, we had maybe one guy in our riding group, maybe a half dozen boys in horse 4H in the whole county, out of over 100 or so participants. So I think there was definitely gender disparity there, especially for something so very non-gendered. (Though if we’re talking the genders of the horses, I always rode geldings. Heh.) Come to think of it, in my time doing dog agility and watching it on TV, I don’t remember seeing any male participants.
If we’re talking sports, it’s more things like gymnastics, drill teams, cheerleading and ballet where guys are seen as deviants and targets to tease, by both males and females. Arguably guys don’t even have much access to volleyball leagues. Title IX sort of makes it the female alternative to male-only football or wrestling in most schools, no boys allowed.
I really agree with this article but my comment is actually directed at Darque.
When you say, being a feminine woman isn’t looked down upon, I beg to differ. I am a feminist. I am also girly. I played with barbies all the time as a kid. My favorite color is pink. I wear (and enjoy) make-up. I have other interests, I also enjoy that’s what she said jokes and south park, but I wouldn’t be labeled a “tomboy”.
I have spent pretty much my entire life being looked down upon by men and women. I have been looked down upon by women who think they are better than me because the can play sports with the guys. I have been looked down upon by men who see me as a harmless nothing, and who judge me if I cry. What hurts the most about this is that people seem to forget what feminism is. It’s about choice. I choose to act the way I do. I have a right to do so. The same way another girl has the right to play sports. NEITHER of us should be looked down upon or told to act differently. But we are. Both of us are. By two different groups of bigoted people.
We as a people need to accept that not every girl is going to play with dolls. And we need to allow the more “butch” women to live their lives the way they want to. But we also need to accept that some little girls will play with dolls. And that there is nothing wrong with that. Essentially it is about what makes someone happy. And I’m happy with all my glittery lipstick. I shouldn’t be judged for that.
@BedHead
If the glittery lipstick and dolls and pink etc was open to boys, the notion that it can even possibly lesser would vanish. Because it wouldn’t be ‘girl only’.
or we can all stop splitting hairs and understand that gender/sexuality are fluid things and the binary is causing people to get into a dialogue that oppresses everyone. if people weren’t so caught up in the notion that there is a dichotomy, things would be a lot simpler. people are people and we should shut the fuck up and get over it. we’re all butthurt about something. we are all victims of our society. just subvert and be happy.
<3 a romantiqueer and genderqueer transboi
@phinforthewin: Iignoring a problem doesn’t make it go away. Complacency is what every system of oppression wants.
Great, great article, though, and fantastic commentary. Found you through fuckyeahfeminists on tumblr, and now I’ll be following the blog for sure. :]
You raise some some decent points but as a tomboy I can assure you it is not always approved by parents. my parents and my sisters have always tried to get me to be more feminine. to play with dolls instead of legos, with more girls instead of boys, to wear skirts and dresses insteads of jeans and sweats, to wear boots instead of chucks, to wear make up, to let my hair grow out and so on. I have to negotiate with Mum to buy the clothes I like, to accept something she likes in order to get her to buy me something I like.
so I don’t think being a tomboy is that easy. it’s ok when you are a kid, but once you’ve reached puberty and beyond you are expected to grow out of it.
I have to go have tea now, will continue reading this later.
“so I don’t think being a tomboy is that easy. it’s ok when you are a kid, but once you’ve reached puberty and beyond you are expected to grow out of it. ”
Do you think being a feminine boy is ever acceptable? Even as a 6 years old? Let alone a 14 years old.
okelay: Of course women get shit for being tomboys! However, women get shit for defying gender roles, and men get shit for defying gender roles AND being feminine, which is icky and evil. It is far worse in most circumstances to be a feminine boy than a masculine girl.
ozymandias:
I second that. I’ve long been a tomboy fan. Boys who are effeminate , on the other hand, get the perjorative “sissy” and get beat up and socially excluded a lot by both other boys and girls though a substantial minority of girls seem ok with it.
“so I don’t think being a tomboy is that easy.”
I can see that, and not just from the bit you mention here. While it may be that tomboys don’t get the same amount of physical violence that feminine boys get (and that may not be true either for all I know) I am sure they come in for quite a bit of emotional violence from peers. And even when they get accepted and approved of by men, it seesm to be in a kind of a mascot role. It’s like Annie Oaklwey, who was treated like an entetaining oddity. When Sarah Palin does her Mama Grizzly schtick, she is working this angle.
I’ve been reading this and I think some people are missing the point here.
First off I’d like to say that I’m coming from a perspective that is sceptical of “Masculism” and a little bemused as to why people here think they compliment each other – in theory, yes, but most “Masculist” discussion I see online drifts very quickly towards complaining about feminists. Feminism may drift towards “man hating” in the more extreme fringes, but it has very noble roots and serves a purpose.
However, I feel the need to explain a little with regards this concept of “Femmephobia”, as a femme transwoman. I think this article and replies may have taken a more “Masculist” outlook on it, but I do support the notion that it exists and is a serious issue for men who wish to express themselves as they see fit.
But it’s a problem for women too. I want to make my main point here – there is a degree of “Femmephobia”. Things traditionally associated with women are seen as weak and silly. People then say “But people don’t bully women for being feminine, aside from radfems”. But the thing is – they don’t *because women are already seen as weaker*.
Now there’s a degree of contradiction here, and the point has been made that a lot of effort has been put into fighting women’s rights and women’s battles since traditionally they were quite poor, and men are still privileged compared to women. That is a factor bringing women up – but the fact that they’re women still brings them down.
And one way in which people resolve this contradiction is to associate traditional, feminist imagery with female “Weakness” and masculine women as being “strong”.
My main worry especially when I read about the new trend of tomboy-ish trans(which I of course wholly support in theory) is that we’re simply as a global culture getting out of being “pretty”. I don’t just mean in terms of hair removal, make-up etc. but that we’re becoming stylistically plainer and I don’t think that’s a noble goal at all. I think this is something feminism sometimes over-looks. I think that having diverse and “pretty” presenting people is a very positive thing in terms of cultural mentality. Many studies have been done in terms of aesthetics and their effect on the mood.