What she did was wrong. It took Nathan C. Daniels years to learn this, and overcome the shame of being her victim.
Editor’s Note: This article contains descriptions of child sexual abuse.
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Editor’s Note: This article contains descriptions of child sexual abuse.
Nathan Daniels, author of Surviving the Fourth Cycle, lives with psychological disorders including Agoraphobia, OCD, Social Anxiety Disorder, Chronic PTSD, and Borderline Personality Disorder. Abused in his youth, orphaned and homeless as a teenager, he became self-abusive and suicidal as an adult. Against all odds he survived, and now uses writing to raise awareness for, and fight stigma associated with; abuse, suicide, and mental illness. For more information, visit http://survivingthefourthcycle.com/
You can connect with Nathan on Facebook - Twitter - Google+ - Linkedin
or, email [email protected]
i was molested by both my sisters and my brother at a very early age the earliest thing i remember i was about 5. it stopped about the time my sisters left school im the youngest by quiet some years my sibiling were all born roughly one year apart then i came some time later. Thing is there was a spell were i had totally forgot about it until i had a nightmare/dream in my late teens about it and it has been in the back of my mind for the last few years. I feel all over the place… Read more »
You are a courageous man. I’m so sorry you had this happen in your life. I am married to a man who at age 5 was molested by his 13 year old sister. He told me when we were 6 years into our relationship. He said he had dealt with it, that it was ” normal” and has happened in many families, and he was ok and resolved with it. I begged him to get therapy because I knew it was a barrier for us with intimacy. He would often joke about it and say to people that his older… Read more »
Hi thanks for revelling your story. I was also a victim to my sister who was 5 years older. It was not as severe as your experience. But I feel it could be the trigger as to why I seeked attention when younger through occasional self harm, lies and also felt withdrawn and disconnected. This has affected me all through my life with feelings of depression, insomnia and low self esteem as well as a fear of living life to the fullest. I am in contact with my sister who is very caring. We have never spoke about what happened…… Read more »
Man I was 6 years old and was molested by my sister at age 16 it took me hella dumb long to figure this out yo I was scared because she also abused me at 2 my mom was at work and she was babysitting me and only thing I felt was hits and my mom didn’t do shit about it today I’m a teen who stand up to his sister and I just can’t remembering me getting abused and last two weeks heard my sister died and no I did not cry or even touch the body I will… Read more »
Very sorry this happened to you, but I’m glad you decided to share your story. It hurt to read at times, but thank you again for sharing. Too many children get abused by their sisters and it goes unnoticed. I didn’t believe my sister was busive until I was 20! It took me two years of being away from that monster to realize what was going on. It’s scary how conditioned a mind can get.
Thank you for being brave and sharing this story out to others. What you went through is exactly what I have been through these past 15 years. I completely agree with what you said here: “They say that time heals all wounds… that’s bullshit! In this situation, time is not on your side and, if left to its own devices, it will form an alliance with your problems… not you.” I resorted to cutting myself for so many years thinking that time would help me heal the wounds from the past, but it did nothing. I just became an adult… Read more »
My heart broke reading this for you and I am grateful someone like you is speaking about this.
you. are. a bad. ass.
diving in to the grief of a lost childhood myself, i am grateful for your site.
thank you.
@Nathan
I guess we are not ready to talk about “reverse incest”. It’s a shame. Well, it seems as if you have figured some things out writing can and does help. Those things don’t go away and often times therapy only makes a small difference. One has to learn what helps and what doesn’t.
@ogwriter I guess we are now, at the very least, ready to talk about “reverse incest” anonymously. Sister-brother Incest: Data from Anonymous Computer Assisted Self Interviews Stephen L. O’Keefe, Keith W. Beard, Sam Swindell, Sandra S. Stroebel, Karen Griffee, Debra H. Young Sexual Addiction & Compulsivity: The Journal of Treatment & Prevention Vol. 21, Iss. 1, 2014 Abstract Retrospective data were entered anonymously by 1,178 adult men using computer-assisted self-interview. Twenty-seven were victims of sister-brother incest (SBI), 119 were victims of child sexual abuse by an adult female (CSA-AF) before 18 years of age, 1,032 were controls. SBI was often… Read more »
Nathan, of all the wise things you’ve said here, the one that I tihink is the most important is the difference between excuses and reasons. Something I like to say about people struggling with any mental/emotional/neurological challenge is that, ‘it is not your fault, but it IS your responsibility.” I am so sorry that your mother was not able to rise to meet that challenge, and I am so proud that you ARE.
Nathan, Thank you so much for sharing your story. I know, a little too well, how hard it can be. You’re story is almost word for word my experience growing up. I was 5, it was my older brother and eventually his friends. My grandma caught us once and told me to never mention it. I think my dad knew too and never said anything. It ended when I was 11 and I repressed so much but it didn’t stop the self-mutilation or the suicidal thoughts. I had even attempted to hang myself when I was 7 years old. It… Read more »
Sarah.
Thank you! It means a lot to me, that you took the time to read my words here, and then reach out to me with such a kind and supportive comment. This keeps me motivated to do what I do, and I genuinely appreciate you sharing a little of your own story here as well. I’m really happy you have someone special in your life (and another on the way), and your recovery is a success. I wish you all the best, my new friend. Stay strong, and thanks again :]
Thank you Blair. On a very personal level, I have an incredible amount of sincere respect and genuine appreciation for the crucially important and, unfortunately, much-need service you provide. I encourage everyone to share my story as far and wide as they can, in an effort to raise awareness to all these issues, remind victims that they are not alone in their pain and confusion, and provide a glimpse of hope that the too will survive. If you’re interested, I would be happy to send you a word document version of Chapter 15 (My Big Sister) from my book. You… Read more »
Thank you so much for sharing Nathan, I had my own difficult childhood and so appreciate your sharing. I have turned mine into a life of trying to help victims of child trauma, especially child abuse and trafficking. My nonprofit, Ark of Hope for Children has now taken that to the point of building a live chat survivor support site called Removing Chains at http://www.removingchains.org We help victims and survivors without discrimination in 8 very focused chat rooms. Your insights noted here are wonderful! I would like to repost them, or have you post them, without the past episodes that… Read more »
Hi Candice. Thank you for your sincere kindness, and I think it’s awesome that your writing your own story. There’s plenty of room (and plenty of need) for everyone to tell their stories of survival. I hope more and more people will continue to do so. Writing for therapeutic benefit isn’t easy, and many of my journal pages saw more ink than tears in the beginning. I was persistent though and forced myself to write through the pain, so to speak. [ http://www.selfgrowth.com/articles/writing-helped-save-my-life ] I believe writing honestly about the relationships and events that shaped my life has been crucial… Read more »
I am so proud to have had the chance to meet you here online and somehow we clicked. We both know what pain and judgement feels like, something so painful is what brought us to know one another yet you’re like part of the family now. When you wrote about your experience on my blog, I knew it took a lot for you to do. I also know that you were wary of how I would perceive you as a friend after you revealed more of your past to me. Would I still want to be friends with you when… Read more »
Emma… Thank you! Sometimes, I swear, you and I have an unspoken competition to see who can make the other shed the most tears. As usual, your words have traveled across the globe, touched my heart and solidified the fact that you understand, and I have a genuine friend in you. I can’t thank you enough for the constant support you’ve showed me since our paths crossed on Twitter six months ago. You were the first person to invite me to share a little of my story on your amazing blog, and I considered it an incredible honor [ http://www.therealsupermumblog.com/2012/10/life-sexually-abused-mans-story/… Read more »
Hello Nathan, A true inspiration for speaking up/out and telling your story. I am currently attempting to write mine, but have a hard time focusing and still overwhelming to face it. How was your journey in writing your story? Also, my mother suffers from agoraphobia w/panic attacks and it takes so much out of her, so I totally respect your issues with that. I personally suffer from PTSD from years of multiple types of abuse/bullying. It is not easy, and being a recently single mother of 2 (9 and almost 3) and having so many revelations happening at this time… Read more »
Nathan, Thank you for sharing your story. As a fellow survivor of sexual abuse, I honor your courage and your voice. And you are absolutely correct, survivors must find the courage to speak in order to be able to heal. Perhaps more importantly, we need to find support from people who will hear us and help us. Every time we can speak our truth, a little bit of the shame flakes away to reveal the truth of who we really are. One thing that many people don’t understand about healing from sexual abuse, there is no such thing as being… Read more »
Chris.
Thank you so much! Your words mean a lot to me, and I know you understand how helpful and encouraging it is to make these connections with other survivors. I’m glad you read this, and I really appreciate you taking the time to communicate and share your information. Keep up the great work!
Hi Nathan
I looked up you book. It got fantastic reviews and you have a lot of friends!
May I ask what kind of therapy you had that cured your self abusive behavior ?
Thanks for writing in again Iben, and thanks for checking out the book too. I definitely appreciate your interest. You ask a great question, and I feel that I have a responsibility to myself, and everyone who reads my words, to give you a completely honest answer… I am in no way, shape, or form cured of self-abusive behavior. This is a coping skill, rooted deep in my psyche, where I unknowingly nurtured it for decades. What I strive for now, as opposed to a cure, is perpetual motion in my recovery. I won’t generalize here, but for me personally,… Read more »
Hi Angela. I appreciate your comments and question, as well as your support and encouragement. As far as a list for possible signs of abuse, I found this helpful link to share [http://www.speakingout-csa.com/signssymptoms.html ]. In regards to my sister, you asked a great question, but there’s no simple answer to post as a response. The story of ultimate closure between us would require a whole chapter in a book, and that’s exactly what it’s going to get… My first book was all about overcoming suicide, and it was written during the fourth time in my life when my unresolved issues… Read more »
Thank you for sharing your story. I know it will help others who are going through what you have. I know someone who was abused as a child (by a neighbor) who wet the bed for three years. The parents never knew that was a symptom of abuse and they still harbor the guilt to this day for not knowing it was a sign. I wish there was a list of signs/symptoms for parents to watch out for. Perhaps there is somewhere. What ever happened to your sister? Did you confront her at any point in your/her life? I got… Read more »
Nathan, you are doing great things by telling your story. Writing is a powerful form of healing, and so is sharing. Your strength and courage are helping to make it okay for others to open up. The current power that stigma has is beginning to weaken (but has a very long way to go, of course), and you’re helping chip away at it. It sucks that you experienced something so awful. Be proud of yourself for rising up and for helping others do the same. Your book, Surviving the Fourth Cycle, is powerful, and I’m glad that you’re continuing to… Read more »
Thank you Tanya.
Your words are very encouraging, and I hope I am being helpful in some small way. I will continue to write blogs, articles, and even poems about my unique experience with several forms of abuse (including self-abuse), overcoming suicide, and living with mental illness.
I hope more survivors will keep coming forward and sharing their stories too. We need to shift the balance from ignorance and stigma, to real-life experience, solid information, and sincere understanding. We will get there.
A hard story to read. Hard in it own right and hard because there are so many, many, more men out there with experiences and traumas like this but haven’t found the voice to talk about them with yet.
Thanks for sharing.
You’re so right, Danny!
I feel like, statistics pertaining to abuse have to be grossly inaccurate. I’m sure a substantial percentage of cases go completely unreported… maybe most of them! I’d even venture to say the numbers are further off, when the perpetrator is female and the victim is male, due to societies general expectations and definitions of “manliness.”
Nathan… so brave of you to relive such things for the benefit of others. So kind of you to share your pain, which may in turn alleviate someone else’s. Your advice is helpful and your experience is now a positive thing in the world, providing hope that in any case, these things can be overcome and showing lonely confused victims that they’re not alone and it can be done. I have read your book. It is amazing and so are you. Thanking you nathan, for surviving all that you have and putting it out there so others have proof they… Read more »
Ann… Thank you so much for reading this, and taking the time to offer such incredible support. I can’t tell you enough, how much your words genuinely mean to me. I just wrote a poem (a hobby of mine) that goes really well with this article, called “Letter to a Molester” I’d like to share that with you here [ http://www.therealsupermumblog.com/2013/05/letter-molester/ ]. Thanks again!!
I don’t have any sufficiently eloquent words to add to what others have already said; only that your poem was superbly written. I think you are very brave to put yourself out there; I only hope I can find the courage too someday.
Peter… Thank you for the compliment, and your genuine support. You will find the courage someday…. and, you will not be alone.
I’m truly sorry you had to go through that!
Thank you JE.
I’m happy now, and I’m lucky to have real love in my life now. It’s also nice to know, that reading about my experience seems to be helping a few people… even if it’s just in a small way. Thanks again for reading and reaching out to me.
“I felt like I was over it, but I never dealt with anything…” How true your words ring…! How brave of you to be able to express what happened to you…the hardest part is just defining what actually did happen… “You could write a letter to the person who abused you…” I would try to write one letter and it would start and stop in fits…how can you sum up years of abuse in one letter? So I started writing online (sometimes daily) on an abuse survivor’s website…sometimes it was just a few lines…sometimes I would just read other people’s… Read more »
Thanks for writing in Leia. It took me a really long time to figure out how to write in a way that would offer real therapeutic benefits. I’ve always kept journals but, for the most part, I used them to complain and lie to myself. It was about two years ago, when I was nearly dead and headed for a second stay in the hospital, that I started forcing myself to write honestly about the events and relationships that led me to that desperate point. I will continue to write every day. The written word has brought me an incredible… Read more »
Thank you for this. I am glad you have found writing helps you. I urge you to read the book possesing me. It is one womans tale of curing herself of severe mental issues after a lifetime of abuse and problems by using meditation and qigong.
Thanks Sherlock. I’m not too familiar qigong, but as a former martial artist, I definitely have some experience with meditation. It’s great and I highly recommend trying it. For myself, my mind can be impossible to calm… much like a disturbed beehive. It would be impossible for me, at times like this, to relax and clear my head for meditation. Everyone is different, with unique problems and experiences, and we all respond in our own ways to, both, trauma and recovery options. I’ve had people tell me writing’s impossible for them, and they have panic attacks whenever they try putting… Read more »
Hello Nathan, Thank you for having the courage to post this, to provide helpful advice, and to post helpful hotlines. I, too, suffer from PTSD, but for different reasons which aren’t necessary to post here. I really wanted meditation to work for me but, like you, have extreme difficulty calming my mind. However, there are different types of meditation. It sounds like you tried silent meditation, perhaps with awareness of the breath. You might find counting the breaths more helpful. Personally, I use chanting meditation. You can develop you own power sound or research to find what suits you best.… Read more »
Hi Bonnie.
Thanks for reading and taking the time to write. Also… I really appreciate the information, these are great suggestions for alternative styles of meditation.