A man diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder explains how living with NPD is very different from what one might expect.
I am a narcissist. Or, rather, I have been “officially” diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I put that in quotes because it is not the first diagnosis I have received; however, I can say that it is by far the most appropriate. Of course, the popular concept of what a narcissist looks like is actually quite different from the reality of a person with NPD. It is true that “pure” narcissists are every bit the arrogant, blindly self confident, self-centered, and manipulative individuals that most people fear. With that said, there are numerous other subtypes for people with NPD that do not fit this mold, many of which are almost completely opposite of what most people expect a narcissist to be. I can only speak for myself, but I hope that understanding how it affects the way I view the world will make others less hostile.
There are many factors that go into developing a mental illness, but in my case, a truly nightmarish childhood pushed me over the edge. Abuse of all kinds—neglect, tragedy, poverty—you name it, and I experienced it as a child. I was—and still am—extraordinarily gifted; however, lack of appropriate nurturing and care as a child resulted in coping mechanisms that were less than healthy. For example, the severe neglect and either complete dismissal or punishment for being anything less than perfect left a feeling of worthlessness.
When you get a 92% on an exam as a 10-year old who skipped a grade and are asked, “What went wrong?” you learn to adapt and praise yourself. Empty self-praise does not come close to filling the hole where actual self-worth should be, but as a child starved for praise and attention for my accomplishments, I learned to feed myself. Because I was so gifted, I was expected to be perfect by teachers, my mother—everyone. Anything less was worthless.
Malignant perfectionism is one of the other primary facets of NPD. This idea that anything less than perfect was worthless was seared into my mind. Not perfect? Unlovable. Terrible. Disgusting. Repugnant. I used all these words to describe myself regularly. What began as a healthy desire to improve became an unhealthy need to be perfect in every way, or appear to be perfect to others.
And so a character was born. When I was beginning of high school, we moved to New York City, and I was able to lie about major facts of my life. I needed to control my image so that other people wouldn’t see me as the worthless, unlovable, grotesquely flawed individual that I was. If the real me was so repulsive that even the people who were supposed to provide unconditional love couldn’t be bothered to show any affection, why would anyone else? Compulsive lying became the norm. To this day, I still sometimes lie about completely random things for no reason whatsoever. Anything I could control, I did.
I developed an obsession with being perfectly dressed, from making sure that my shoelaces were all perfectly flat with perfect bows, to ensuring that just the right amount of cuff peeked out from beneath my sweater. I would not leave the house until every detail was perfect. I wouldn’t turn around on the street if I walked past where I was going, because I didn’t want to look like I made a mistake. I would walk around four blocks to make sure that no one could witness my blunder.
I am able to turn around now; however, I feel so much shame that I will feel physically ill. This obsessive need to be perfect prevented me from asking questions in school—it would show people I didn’t know something; it prevents me from practicing languages with native speakers—I don’t want to sound like an amateur; I won’t play a piece of music unless it is perfect, and I will never practice in front of someone. I hide my learning and improvement from the world, because revealing any imperfections would leave me open to certain rejection and reinforce my worthlessness … or so I believe.
My relationship with rejection is completely out of sync with reality. This is all quite easy to understand from an intellectual/logical perspective, but knowing something and feeling something are two very different things. Any rejection or perceived rejection—and I’m hyper-vigilant to spot any potential rejection—is crushing. When you believe you are completely worthless, any “no” or rejection isn’t a simple thing—it is an emphatic statement that you have absolutely no value as a human being. It doesn’t have to be anything of consequence, it can be something as simple as asking to borrow a pen.
Me: “May I borrow a pen?”
Other person: “No, I need it.”
No big deal, right? Not to me. I hear, “No, because you are worthless and have absolutely no value as a human being.” Having to ask a direct question where someone can say no or reject me creates profound levels of anxiety, and it quickly spirals out of control. Any rejection results in a truly savage tirade against myself. Normal people probably don’t think, “Of course they said no, because you’re worthless. Just like every time you were rejected as a kid. There’s a reason people say no to you. Haven’t you learned not to ask for things? You are such a dumb, worthless, piece of trash. Kill yourself.”
Intellectually, I know that’s not a normal emotional response to being told no for a basic request. This hyper-sensitivity would be even worse if I put myself out there socially and in relationships, but I don’t because there can be no certainty. I can’t bring myself to take the risk of being rejected on such a personal level. In eighth grade, I had a friend of the girl I had a crush on come up and tell me, “So-and-so wants you to know that she really likes you.” Even with such a clear indication that someone liked me, I didn’t do anything, because I knew it had to be a trick. How could she like me? Not even my mother likes me. She must be tricking me.
I’ve adapted to my fear of rejection by avoiding asking direct questions. I don’t manipulate people out of malice or to get something out of them, but to intentionally avoid situations where I can be told no or be rejected. It is easier to make them think they are doing something for me of their own volition than for me to ask and risk them saying no. With that said, I also will never say no to any request by anyone else. I habitually do other things for other people in an attempt to build up “request equity” in case I have to ask something of them.
I will ALWAYS do whatever anyone asks, and I will remember everything that I do for every person. I assume that if I do X, Y, and Z for Billy, then when I need something and ask for it, he will remember all the things I did for him and say yes. Keeping a mental ledger of every single request I’ve fulfilled and every single request I’ve made with every single person I am in regular contact with is an immense waste of brainpower. In a sense, I don’t do things for other people to be nice; I do them to make sure that if I ever need anything they are happy to help.
As a consequence of living life as a character at center stage with the whole world watching, I don’t have many close relationships. The amount of time it takes for me to actually start letting someone know anything about the real me generally prevents me from having real relationships. They know the character I play, but the real me is kept chained in the dark recesses of my mind. Having the character I play get rejected is bad enough, but revealing my real self and exposing my incredible fragility could very well be a matter of life and death. There are three people who know the real me, and I still cannot comprehend why they still associate with me. I have extreme difficulty believing them when they tell me they value my friendship and view me as a strong person with worthwhile accomplishments. How can someone like the real me when the very thought of it makes me sick?
Even though they know the real me, I am unable to make a real emotional connection. Twice in the past 13 years, I have made a physical and emotional connection with someone, and it felt like my soul was being torn asunder. I bawled uncontrollably, the emotion pouring out until I was physically unable to move. And beneath the dull, hollow ache that I feel at all times, there is the swirling maelstrom of agony waiting to be unleashed.
Even if by some miracle I manage to find a woman who is willing to date me, I feel confident it will only last until the first feelings of affection. At that point, I will once again become a revolting, blubbering mess.
In the end, chances are good that I will remain alone, as I have been for so long; the aching emptiness will remain. Love is food for the soul, and I have been starved forever.
Read more from the special section on mental illness
Photo credit: Flickr / Jake Putnam
I figured out that I was a narcissist a few months back, though I can’t say anything in my life was all that traumatic really, I don’t know, maybe something made me snap inside without realizing it. When I look in the mirror I just see someone that’s empty. Your article was truly relatable for me and I appreciate your sharing, thank you.
thank you so much for writing this. i see myself in your words.
Hello fellow NPD 🙂 Its not so bad when I m the one discovering that I have it..so now low and behold I can understand other people in my life who are Narcs and really see that they are on a self-hating and self-destructive path, like I am once in a while. I can be compassionate about myself and about them now, as opposed to wishing they’d burn in hell like I did. I have BPD so although I m not diagnosed as NPD.. I think the traits are pretty similar for the most part, except maybe that I am… Read more »
Exactly.
It is very true, and very hard to believe, in my case I am always apologizing and thanking everyone, messed up a relationship in the most heart breaking manner, and it left me shattered for well over a year now. problem is people think you are evil, and that view only makes all NDP behavior even worse. he is right, it does end up close to life and death, yet self destruction in NDP is more emotional than physical, I am still not twenty yet I have been to hell and back with this. I am still hoping, learning and… Read more »
Thank you. You are brave. I admire your courage, and I pray for your happiness
I would really like to hear more about how this type of narcissism ( I believe called vulnerable or covert narcissism) differs from borderline personality disorder. the both seem to revolve around fear of rejection and lack of self identity or self worth. anyone know?
Glad to know I am not alone in being the biggest piece of Shi% that the universe revolves around. I urge you to read ‘No More Mr Nice Gu’y, by Dr Robert Glover.
You and I are both Nice Guys, do anything for anyone, but who never ever forget a debt, nor forgive a slight, or actually allow anyone in to our lives. Which is actually anything BUT nice. I wish I knew the way out, but I am on year 3 of realizing who I am and how it affects those around me with only partial success. Good luck.
Interesting how the end was a pity party rather than a reflection on how you could change.
Oh, gee, I wonder if there’s a reason for that.
This really opened my eyes; thank you for sharing this.
Here’s a thought: the fact that you were willing to share so courageously, and in such an unusually articulate, clear and thought-provoking manner, is reason in itself for you to be considered worthy and lovable. It certainly is in my book.
Just because others will not chime in as I do here does not mean that they are not thinking exactly the same thing as I am. Who knows how many thousands of people who have been helped by you to understand themselves and/or others.
Thanks for sharing so other people can come closer to understanding this disorder. Your explanation of “request equity” sounds spot on to me.
I feel very identified with pretty much with all what the author says, although I’ve learnt to let go some of that perfectionism but socialising and dealing with rejection is pretty hard.
If love is food for the soul, there is an infinite banquet of it surrounding you but you have to give it to your self before you can truly receive it from others.
Thanks for the article. I have NPD, and I do believe it to be the result of multiple traumatic events during childhood. Even with my affliction, I work in Social Services, helping to find and provide housing to homeless individuals. Of course, I’m the best in the field, hahaha! The perfectionist aspect does drive me absolutely nuts, but I am learning to let go a bit (I’m 52, so I hope I’m finally learning something). I did take offence at the comment above about “true” narcissists being dangerous, just ridiculous. Only person I’m dangerous to is myself, and no one… Read more »
I’m very confused about NPD. To me, it sounds like something that is next to impossible to diagnose unless one has been taken (by force I would think, since folks who think their s*** doesn’t stink would never submit to going through any type of therapy) as a youth to a therapist who would recognize it as more than “teenaged angst” or “Mom must have a very low tolerance for backtalk”. I’m sorry to sound so insensitive. I have, for several years, been dealing with a child who seems to have the overflowing confidence her dad has. Some might say… Read more »
First, I don’t think you’re a narcissist– You’re entirely too “self-aware.” On the other hand, perhaps you are a narcissist and this whole “Woe Is Me Act” is just that– An act to garner attention and sympathy from another “Too- Kind-for-Their-Own-Good Victim” who is willing to listen to your sad tale. As the former spouse of a man with strong narcissist traits, what I do know is: A). True narcissists are capable of extreme damage on every level… My kids and I will be in therapy for years and don’t even get me started on the financial fall-out that I… Read more »
Thank you so much for writing this article. My grandmother was like the worst example you cite of this disorder and nothing like your introspective and tortured self, but your perspective has helped me to understand this mental illness more deeply. Thank you. I strongly suspect that my brother and aunt have this condition similarly to how you have experienced it but I have exhausted myself trying to help them with the enormous amount of unmet need that they have. However, they are both in reasonably happy and functional relationships so I encourage you to not give up. You are… Read more »
Dear anonymous author, You writing this piece might kick your healing into the next gear. When people open up and start sharing their story (anonymous or not), it starts cracking the shell of shame and pain. I do wish that for you. By writing this, you helped so many of us who grew up in abusive homes by critical parents who talked to us the way they talked to themselves. Please keep sharing your story in any format you feel safe. You will see more nods then head shakes. I guarantee you! ♥ MichelleG, I don’t know if you will… Read more »
There is life after that. I lived a lie for years using masks and facades to hide my true being. I have to live with those decisions and moving away from that was the hardest thing I had to do but I did it and now I’m honest with everyone I meet. I am just me and although vulnerability is hard it can be achievable. You don’t have to live this way! There is life! You have to seek it!
Wow. This is almost 80% me. I didnt know what this thing was that I have been feeling my whole life but i know now. Its not that I am not successful but every now and then I feel worthless, sometimes i think i am worse than some guy who is half as smart and successful as I am. Part of it has to do with my mother and the fact that somewhere inside she thinks i am a curse. Which is why I find it very hard to believe that a woman can love me, when i myself cant.… Read more »
Being triggered when physical and emotional love comes near into a weeping bawling mess is also indicative of PTSD aspects. The original trauma is being relived. Somewhere in that horror of suffering may be the keys to freedom. I’ve been where you have been. Some 27 years of effort has taken me to the bowels of the actual wound and the healing and liberation is happening. Unless you are a full blown sociopath, which you are not, the door is never locked. But the brain rewiring and release of the original emotional pain comes from chipping away little by little,… Read more »
I don’t believe you are a narcissist. I’m very surprised that you were officially diagnosed as one. Too much conscience in your post, too much self-awareness. One or both your parents were narcissists. You are the victim of a narcissist.
I thank you for sharing in your own words because you put into words almost exactly the likely feelings of someone I know. Last year I dated a guy who had most of the characteristics of NPD. There were some lovely moments, but after a period, the way he treated me made me hate myself. Whatever afflicts those with NPD also affects those around them. I believe people can change because I’ve gotten over a lot in my own life. If you can analyze why you feel a certain way and why you behave as you do (as you have… Read more »
This was enlightening for to me to read. I have repeatedly found myself in work relationships with narcissistic male bosses, and have not been able to understand why. I gleaned from this article that they are attracted to me as an employee because I have very high standards of appearance and performance for myself . While my drive and flawless-looking performance are how I respond to racism and sexism in my field (twice as good, half as far) , I’m sure I must feel terribly *familiar* — like family — to someone with an injury that results in narcissism. And… Read more »
Such a generous and compassionate response. How lovely! To the author: what a brave article. Many good thoughts to you on your journey to improved mental health.