James M Sama reflects on Joseph Gordon-Levitt’s choice of a spouse and posits that truly secure guys know how to appreciate a powerful, independent woman.
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The term ‘Trophy Wife’ is familiar to many of us in less-than-flattering contexts. While sometimes it qualifies as a compliment in guy-speak when referring to a man’s beautiful wife, the connotation is that she essentially is just that — a trophy. She is likely young(er than him) and beautiful, but is probably well taken care of by her husband. See also: Arm candy.
A trophy, being a prize, is something to be obtained. It is a symbol of accomplishment to be shown off to friends, but has little other function to it other than just looking pretty.
Perhaps a few decades ago, this was an appealing prospective relationship to be part of, but today’s women are stronger, bolder, better educated, and more independent. They may make just as much as, if not more than, the man in their life. They know what they want, and what they don’t want is to just be someone’s trophy.
But this evolution, I feel, has also seen similar progress in the men’s camp. We see A-List celebrities like George Clooney marrying an incredibly successful woman after many thought he would be an eternal bachelor. At 53 years old, it was not a ‘trophy wife’ who settled down one of the world’s most eligible men, but a woman who rivals, and in some ways even surpasses his success.
Similarly, just recently Hollywood actor Joseph Gordon-Levitt married Tasha McCauley. Not an actress, not a model, not a singer, but co-founder and CEO of Fellow Robots, a robotics company based at NASA Research Park in Silicon Valley, California.
I believe men are understanding that a beautiful face means nothing without a beautiful heart and a beautiful mind. Good, mature, established men are recognizing the value of having a teammate in life. Someone he can take on the world with. Someone he can share ideas and discuss the world with. Someone who can stand on her own and is with him because she wants him, not because she needs him.
While beauty will never cease to be appreciated, it cannot stand on its own…to keep the attention of today’s men, it needs to be supported by substance. Depth. Passion. Curiosity. A strong, independent mind.
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Perhaps there was a day when attending an event with a beautiful woman who would stay by your side during the whole evening and look beautiful was the ultimate aspiration of the successful man, but no more. Today, men want a woman who can arrest the room equally with her intelligence as she would with her beauty. A woman who will others marvel at her opinions and ideas rather than just her looks. A woman who he could walk away from while he goes for another drink and be confident that she will be able to hold her own.
While beauty will never cease to be appreciated, it cannot stand on its own two legs (no matter how great those legs might be). To keep the attention of today’s men, it needs to be supported by substance. Depth. Passion. Curiosity. A strong, independent mind.
A strong, confident man will want to be one half of a power couple, not some sort of dictatorship. A confident man secure in himself is attracted to women with equal confidence. Only insecure men need a woman who relies on him and doubts herown personal power.
Are there men out there who do not want to be challenged? Who want to be in control? Who want their wives to spend their time in the kitchen while he goes out to be the breadwinner? Sure, of course. There are all types of men and women in the world, but the trends are shifting.
Fewer and fewer men are being satisfied with this type of arrangement and want someone who will walk beside them on a journey they will share together. I know I do.
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This article originally appeared on James Michael Sama’s Blog. Check out his Facebook and Twitter.
Photo credit: AP / Andrew Medichini
1) I think it’s interesting that we are still equating how much a person makes financially to the perception of power they have. Are men choosing women who are more their financial/professional “equal”, or are there just more women who are financially independent? Is a stay-at-home mom or dad less powerful or worthwhile than an actor or CEO? 2) In my experience, women who bemoan the fact that men sometimes marry younger women (which honestly seems natural to me) usually have insecurities about their age. These two people chose each other. He did not just choose her – where is… Read more »
There are people who do try awfully hard to be offended, while at the same time being awfully offensive, and then cry “victim” when they are called out on it.
Erin, way to go. I would love to have friends like you around. You write very eloquently, kind and thought-through!
So now a woman has to not only be beautiful, but also highly-intelligent, super-successful, and earn more than a man. Well good luck with that all to all the average-looking, averagely-intelligent, averagely-successful, average-earning guys reading this. And, once you’ve woken up from you self-aggrandising fantasies, maybe spend a bit of time developing yourself to be someone an average-looking, averagely-intelligent, averagely-successful, average-earning woman may someday want to spend an average amount of time with. And, here’s a hint: it has more to do with principles and values and aspirations and kindness and being easy to get along with than it has… Read more »
Highly unlikely when women still seek to date wealthy men and don’t actually seek equal partners.
My trophy wife would be a hot asian babe. I’m not to much into women who wish they had three legs.
Great piece, James.
All of us pick love mates that fulfill very specific criteria and needs. Your point is well taken that a man is not going to pick a strong woman unless he himself is first strong.
Your piece is, indeed, an ode to powerful women.
And a rallying cry that we, as men, may wish to step up to a place, emotionally, spiritually and otherwise, where we are willing and able to go toe to toe with a powerful woman.
I agree, this doesn’t seem like “progress” to me although kudos to Amal for being a very accomplished person. I think men will always be with the most physically attractive woman they can be with. It’s human nature. The truth is most of us tend to gravitate toward people who are as attractive as we can realistically achieve. It’s human nature. Women have things we are attracted to as well, it’s just not to the physical beauty of men so much. But, women like men who they find attractive for things like physical strength, success, confidence and other “masculine” traits.… Read more »
Yes. If you limit the umbrella term called “attractiveness” to a certain set of items you will miss all the many ways that attractiveness manifests itself and the associated burdens of maintenance – whether you are male or female. That a physically less attractive man pairs with a more attractive woman does not mean that the woman is pairing down on the attractiveness scale. It means you are looking at a limited set of attractiveness factors to come to that wrong conclusion.
Luvin how these diatribes are being written about ‘marrying for money’ or ‘trophy wife’ or whatever. Maybe George Clooney and Amal met at some function, immediately felt that spark of attraction, dated and eventually they BOTH decided to get married? Oy! Ease back on the throttles of relationship feminist conspiracy theories!
Quite right. Has anyone actually taken a look at Amal Clooney’s CV? For heaven’s sake.
Matt, I don’t dispute the couples love for one another. I dispute the notion that their relationships actually breaks any barriers. He is a significantly older man marrying a significantly younger women. Maybe if we lived in a more equalitarian world where it was just as normal for men to marry significantly older women as younger, and where they actually did so equally, my outlook would be different. But we don’t. Men are more open to dating, marrying and sleeping with women significantly younger than them then older. The only time I hear men say “age doesn’t matter”, is when… Read more »
Question in that regard is also how open women are to dating and marrying men younger than themselves?
“Patriarchy” and objectification are two-way streets more often than most people like to admit.
I think women are worried about being taken advantage by younger men who may not be ready to settle down. The stereotype is often about how the only reason a younger man would want an older women would be just for sex anyway. I hear a lot of guys say this themselves and mock relationships older women have with younger men.
Madonna, J-lo, Katie Couric, Sofia Vergera. These are a few of the famous ‘older’ women who have had their share of ‘hottie boy toys’. This is a trend ,while you don’t see it as much as when the genders are reversed, is non the less growing. I see it with my Son’s circle of friends. He has many female friends in his age group(mid 20’s) and several are in fact dating guys really just out of high school(18-19y.o.) I somewhat embarrassed my son when I said “Isn’t that nice of them , they brought their little brothers with them” God,… Read more »
“Only an insecure man needs a woman who relies on him and is unsure of her own personal power…”
This seems to be the mantra of PUAs/RSD afficianadoes….one of my grad school friends said that her boyfriend was intimidated that she was getting an advanced degree….he almost thought of applying to a professional school just so that he felt equal in stature….
Not sure I understand the beauty objectification angle of this story. George has been voted the most beautiful man in the world on several occasions – Amal does not have such a status. It’s clear George married down in both the beauty and wealth category.
Elissa,
More or less public votings for most beautiful/attractive/handsome/sexy/whatever person in the world, are most often heavily geared towards people who already possess (movie)star fame and fortune, don’t you agree?
Or would you say that Amal is in any way NOT conventionally attractive?
I think she is quite stunning. My point was more that this instance does not really break the “trophy wife” framework because Amal is accomplished, but rather, because George is the more beautiful of the two. It’s a bit of a silly point, much like the OP forced narrative…
I actually don’t find George Clooney very attractive at all. I don’t even think he’s that great of an actor. Although he is a very dedicated humanitarian. So who is “more beautiful” is certainly subjective.
He has been voted the world’s most beautiful man on several occasions by tabloids (People Magazine). I know many like to push the idea that beauty is subjective, and there is certainly some truth to that opinion, but it remains a half-baked notion at best.
Elissa, why are you putting so much stock in a tabloid like People Magazine? What exactly do you think it proves that a tabloid magazine nominated anyone on the “most beautiful” list over anyone else? I’m sincerely scratching my head over your instance on this. Amal is quite a stunning women. She never won any world renowned beauty pageants as far as I know but I’d say she is just as, if not more so, as beautiful as the kind of women you see winning pageants. The fact that she hasn’t actually won a pageant doesn’t mean she is less… Read more »
Bottom line:
He (GC) is still marrying a very conventionally beatiful woman who is almost 20 years his junior.
And, times may cange, but this article also drives home the point that no matter how successful a woman is, she’s still not likely to marry “down” in society.
The title (and the article itself) can be read in two ways:
1) Men have improved their nasty objectifying traditional ways, and the concept of wanting a trophy wife has been superseded by a more egalitarian conception.
2) Men are now using “equal teammates” as a new form of trophies; ergo: men are still objectifying misogynist wretches, only more deviously hypocritical than before, and for women the patriarchal demands have increased.
The benefit of the doubt makes me assume you meant (1), but instinctively I read (1), and so did the other readers (judging from the comments).
I mean, I and others read (2).
“So now women can be equally objectified for both their accomplishments, educations and looks now” Are they really being objectified when there’s more than one attribute being admired? The showing off part sounds objectifying but celebrating multiple good traits seems less n less like objectifying as it’s more than their sexuality alone. Although I guess in the world of hollywood n glossy mags, it mainly shows the shallow side. I think he didn’t refer to her by name because I don’t think many people know her name, but more will understand her connection to him as the woman he married.… Read more »
@Archy
…awesome. 🙂
Thank-you 🙂
In my opinion, admiring someone for multiple attributes doesn’t eliminate objectification. I can admire a man for being smart, handsome and rich and it doesn’t mean I’m not objectifying him for those qualities based around my own whims. Even when some of those qualities, like “smart”, is considered a more nobel attribute. It does not matter if people are familiar with her name or not. (Could you imagine if that was the staple of article writing? “Hey, don’t say their name, people aren’t familiar with them.”) Familiarity or lack of is not justification for not using a person’s name in… Read more »
I thought about expanding my dating site filters to 18+ as I haven’t had much luck so far, but 18 is a bit young. I am 29, but my life isn’t as far as most 29 year olds due to illness for a decade but even still 18 feels too young. I’m open to the idea if they’re mature but prefer 20-22 or higher all the way up to 35-40 although 35-40 also feels like a big leap from where my life is at the moment. 26-34ish is where I usually look. The sole reason I’d go as young as… Read more »
Archy, you consider yourself a pretty mature individual right? Why would a 35-40 year old be a “big leap from where your life is at the moment” but dating an 18-22 year old wouldn’t? Don’t you think an 18 year old girl is going to view a 29 year old man the same way you view a 35 year old women who is actually only 5 years older than you? While of course, an 18-19 year old could very well be a very mature individual, they will never be 29 years of maturity to match yours just as you don’t… Read more »
Woops….jezz…strike that last sentence about “secondly, I was….dating desires.” That was what I first wrote and it’s not what I truly wanted to say. I copied and pasted it by accident but I meant to delete it.
I was very sick for 10+ years and so at the moment I have very little money, no qualifications, no children, live at home still so my life is similar to 18-22 year olds. Nearly everyone I’ve met 35-40 has kids, career, has a house, car, etc. Even most people my age are married with kids, etc so topics I have to talk about and what they talk about are different usually. So I feel where I am in life was stunted for 10 years. I am only now at 29 considering university again, I was in college at 18… Read more »
I find it odd that you are being shamed here for seeking a potential mate who MAY be younger. And I doubt none of it has these younger women’s best interests in mind. Most certainly it’s about eliminating competition. In my early twenties I dated many (12 to be exact) women 10 years or more older than me. Nearly everyone of them had some form of borderline personality disorder or narsicism. The odds of finding a woman in here thirties who isn’t carrying some baggage of mental gymnastics is long. There is a reason these women are single. What drew… Read more »
Archy, I sincerely wish you nothing but the best as you begin feeling and getting better and building new chapters in your life. Never feel like you are “behind” others just because you may not have the status symbols that some at your age have acquired. Like anyone your age, like me, like Josh..like anyone, there are lessons you’ve learned and lessons you haven’t. And as you pointed out, 18 isn’t always a marker for that. Perhaps you were suppose to go back to college at a later point in your life. As someone who believes in God, maybe God… Read more »
Thanks for the reply and kind words Erin. If I miss replying, it’s due to I don’t get notifications from GMP. I wish they’d use the Disqus system as I can go straight to the comment to reply to. I think someone like George was someone who really wasn’t into settling down, I am pretty shocked he settled. Although with his lifestyle it may be very difficult to settle down n have kids since actors are quite often away from home. He probably did go for younger women a lot for lust but I don’t know him so I have… Read more »
Now I feel like we are going backwards again. You are making up excuses around why men specifically go for younger women due to “biology” and “attraction”. Just like men, women want to be wanted for who they are. Not the shallow qualities we may bring into our relationships that our partners benefit from. I don’t respect men who specificaly hunt for younger women. Why would any woman? We want men that love women. Not men who just love certain shallow attributes of women and how they benefit him most. Hunting specifically for younger women screams “male entitlement/privilage”. All the… Read more »
Please note that I said some men. It’s possible that there are both cultural and biological issues that lead some men to being more attracted to younger women, other men may be more attracted to older women and I’d guess most are attracted to women their own age. I also wrote lust to mean just pure sexual attraction, a shallow based relationship. Clooney seems to like younger women but that is only based off what I’ve heard. Keep in mind that Clooney is in the elite and has a massive “pool” of women to choose from compared to most men.… Read more »
I agree with Erin’s post.
Me too. The title itself made me cringe.
Congrats. You found a way to effectively objectify women for many more qualities than just their looks. Successful men have been fighting the desire for women to see them more than a walking bank account. Now women have to be beautiful, certainly younger AND at least AS successful as their husbands and that’s progress. But who is it progress for? First off James, you never even mention Amal’s name as if she is her own actual independent person despite the fact that you clearly state Clooney’s name. You basically just refer to her as the “incredibly successful woman” George married.… Read more »
Let me edit my last sentence..”Personally I find this article not very progressive and rather self-serving.”….I’m taking out the “to men’s desires” because naturally, not all men think the same and that last part was unfair.
So who are men supposed to be attracted to?
Chickens? Fat useless whiners? Is a woman aloud to look for an good looking suscessful man?
If so why not men? Am I supposed to ignore my biology and only pursue women who I find repulsive just for ‘women’s progress’
There is not a single individual on this entire planet that is “useless”. Whether they are over-weight, whine, commit a crime, cut you off while your driving, or do any number of misdeeds. We are all the same, we are all equal. And it is because of your comment around who you get to deteremine is useful or “useless”, that I don’t believe I would have an answer for you that would make you happy.
You have fantasist ideas on what equal means. Gives me food for thought that out of all I said and you focused on the word useless…
Of course I focused on that word. It’s a terribly ugly, hateful and ignorant one to apply to any human being. You don’t have the right to call anyone “useless”. Or mock anyone’s weight and say they are less then you or anyone else. I could care less about any other comment you made after that one. Or your petty personal attacks on me.
Josh – I’ve only just seen this now… clearly I needed to write my caveman piece 🙂
“Don’t you know that a man being rich is like a girl being pretty? You might not marry a girl just because she’s pretty, but, my goodness, Doesn’t it help?” — Marylin Monroe, ‘Gentlemen Prefer Blondes’
Okay Honordads, then men should continue to objectify women for their looks and now also their success and education and women can continue to objectify men for their money and success as well. And all will be the same. Is that the world you are interested in living in? By the way, Marylin Monroe was treated pretty horribly by many men in her life. She was cheated out of money, opportunity, slandered and even in relationships that turned abusive. She had a desperate need to really be loved and even her beauty didn’t bring her that or happiness. If it… Read more »
Erin,
Your points were so right on. Excellent post and and an important post on an article like this. The article is trying to praise women, but is really praising men for having better accsessories.
Thanka Laura! And, seriously, you summed it up perfectly.
You nailed that one on the head!! Thank you for articulating what I was thinking, so well.
Hehehe……. Well said Erin.