Even in my most desperate moments, when I was ready to embrace religion, I still couldn’t figure out which one I belonged to.
“What religion are you?” my 14-year-old son, Seamus, asked me the other night, as we were driving home from an ice cream shop. His mother and I have been divorced since he was 6 months old. He’s grown up a strict Catholic, serving as an altar boy, going on a mission to Haiti, and now attending a Jesuit high school under his mom’s watchful Irish-Catholic eye.
“Buddhist,” I quipped in response to his question, as Moose Tracks dripped from our cones onto our fingers.
“Really?”
“Nah, I just have read a lot about it and done my share of meditation. So it’s the best answer I have at the moment.”
Seamus was satisfied enough with my answer to finish his cone. But his question stayed with me.
♦♦♦
The next morning I got up early and looked out my bathroom window. A cold front had come through overnight, and after days of soupy fog and humidity, the air had finally turned clear and cool. A full moon, shining a vibrant white over the Atlantic Ocean, hung perfectly in the frame of the window.
A couple hours later, I took Penny, our 4-month-old yellow lab, for a walk. She sniffed clumps of grass, chased small birds, and tried to lick a toddler who ambled by, while I thought more about Seamus’ question.
I was born a Quaker, 10th generation on my dad’s side, going all the way back to Timothy Matlack, who is said to have been the scribe who put the words to the Declaration of Independence on paper. But Timothy wasn’t much of a Quaker. He was kicked out of meetings for betting on cock fights, bear baiting (where, just for sport, you chain a bear to a stake and then unleash waves of dogs to attack it), and participating in the Revolutionary War, against the protests of his pacifist relatives.
My parents were hyper-intellectual hippies whose Quaker faith was more about protesting the Vietnam War than finding God. At least that’s how it seemed to me as a young child. While I respect what Quakers stand for, I don’t identify myself as a Quaker.
I am more of a Timothy type of Matlack. I became CFO of a big company, and then a venture capitalist, as my own form of rebellion against my do-good parents. In the process, I got myself into a heap of trouble participating in my own version of bear baiting—as a drunk with an proclivity for bad behavior. I eventually wound up on my knees, pleading for God’s—any god’s—intervention.
Even in my most desperate moments, when I was ready to embrace religion, I still couldn’t figure out which one I belonged to.
♦♦♦
But now I know.
I have Seamus, with whom I share a secret handshake ending in a father-son jumping chest bump. I also have a 5-year-old son, Cole, who climbs into bed with me before my eyes are even open and spews whole paragraphs about Batman without stopping for air. And I have a teenage daughter, Kerry, who, despite her shy temperament, performs in her school plays with so much ease and pleasure that she moves the audience to tears and laughter every time.
My wife, the most beautiful woman I know, tickles me when she thinks I am being arrogant and rubs my feet after particularly long days. I can ride my bike down the huge hill near our house and scream at the top of my lungs, not caring if anyone hears me. And some mornings, the moon appears in the frame of my window just for me.
This is what I am. I have no idea what you call it. But I believe in all of this. None of it is an accident. This is my religion.
♦ ♦ ♦
Tom Matlack, together with James Houghton and Larry Bean, published an anthology of stories about defining moments in men’s lives — The Good Men Project: Real Stories from the Front Lines of Modern Manhood. It was how the The Good Men Project first began. Want to buy the book? Click here. Want to learn more? Here you go.
When my daughter was born, my life changed. I couldn’t believe the feeling I felt. Through the years, she was known as my “punkin.” I worked a lot back then but when I would get home, she and I had a routine. During the pre-school years, she would sit on my lap and we’d watch her favorite movie Marry Poppins. By the time the movie would get to the old lady on the church steps and sing “Feed The Birds”, she would be falling asleep and I would take her up to bed.. 20 years later, my dreaded moment came… Read more »
This is what was suppsed to be posted…. Tom, I really liked reading your article and it brought up fond memories of my kids and the small things that are so special. Life goes by fast young man … I’m happy that you’re taking the time to savor these moments with your kids. I want to take a moment and talk about faith and will share a true story in another post. I’m a very devoted Catholic and am very active in my church, Through my years, there were times that I struggled with denominational issues but I look back… Read more »
I deal with adolescents who really have a hard time communicating in an assertive way. Aggressive, yes, assertive no. Part of “listening” skills is to hear what they’re saying, not how they’re saying it. Not judging the tone of the message but the message itself. We live in a society that the “squeaky wheel gets the grease” …. So that may be where a lot of these guys come from but in this forum, they don’t get heard but instead are judged by the way the message comes across rather then the message itself. I remember the riots of the… Read more »
THAT WAS NOT SUPPOSED TO GO HERE!! Darn!!! Can it please be removed, I cut and pasted the wrong response! I am sooo sorry for that.
…and this is why they all say Love is a universal religion. Great post!
So i am happy, simply because there are plenty of things about we read through when. It was eventually helpful to my opinion within the blog. At present right ‘s the link whether it’s time to make cash wish including Facebook or twitter, or simply a McDonald ‘s, KFC. This is a start-up corporation, in which even currently link up with together. talkfusion
My faith comes from the same place Tom. Thanks for the article.
thank you Gisela, so much to agree with here. On your oldest comment about the prophets being brothers please see my next column coming out on Saturday in which a born again Christian and I discuss further this topic of faith, narrow and broadly defined. Your boy is very wise indeed.
Tom, What a beautifully written piece on a complicated topic. But then it really is so simple, isn’t it? “It is in the love of my kids and wife that I feel the most Grace,” you said. AMEN to that! The religion of sticky kisses from my toothless 5 year old, and conversations with my 18 year old, and walks still holding hands with my 13 yo daughter and kisses from my husband when I’m not looking… those little things are the BIG things. And in that largesse lies the only religion that makes us deeply happy. Love. As for… Read more »
“Have you been born again?” the Fundamentalist at the door asks the unsuspecting Catholic. Yes, they believe in Jesus. And yes, they try to live Christian lives. They probably have some vague awareness that Fundamentalists think being “born again” involves a religious experience or “accepting Jesus as your personal Lord and Savoir.” The Catholic Church has always held, being “born of water and the Spirit” refers to baptism, and then it follows that being “born again” or “born from above” means being baptized. Clearly, the context implies that born of “water and the Spirit” refers to baptism. The Evangelist tells… Read more »
Of the options above I think I like Existentialism the most, because there is a basic element of dealing with existence which appeals to me. I guess I probably do shy away, personally, from believing in Jesus as THE path. Not that I judge anyone else for that, just that I find it useful as a metaphor but not in the literal sense (little secret, my family attends our neighborhood Episcopal Church which I greatly enjoy in part for the challenging and thoughtful sermons of our priest who I really like). None of what I have said is intended to… Read more »
Tom, you sound like a Unitarian Universalist. UUs are all about the big questions and not so hell-bent on the need for there to be one clear and supreme answer. It’s a religion without creed or doctrine, based instead on seven principles–roughly translated: Everybody matters; treat people right; ; everybody can search for truth/meaning; conscience and democratic process in everything; we’re all in this together–strive for peace; respect the web all existence/we are connected to it and it is us.
Thanks for the insightful article. I myself am a Christian, however I respect atheists because they seem to use their intellect and collective reasoning more-so than most religious groups. At the same time, the atheist cannot live by “virtue” or “goodness” if these are just characterizations of our need to survive. If it’s all chance, why hold these values above any others? And what or who defines them? Without any definitive answer to what is good and just, we cannot expect to follow these ways. It’s not hard to argue that scope of what these words mean is as wide… Read more »
Tom, Great article. Simple joys, like seeing the moon htrough my window, are the best. As an atheist, and as someone easily amused, the little things are what set me on my path from a Catholic upbringing to atheism. I was doing some research for a social studies paper in high school when I came across a letter written by Thomas Jefferson to his nephew (click on my name for a link). In it he tells his nephew, when it comes to religion, to use his own reason, dismissing all bias, to come to his own decision about God. It… Read more »
Great reply David.
This is a really beautiful response. I have also gone questing for a way to connect feeling awe, with a way to ritually express this gratitude at being alive. I have lived within a community of faith, and gotten the reward of community, too. It made me feel closer to other human beings. But right now, I don’t feel any reason to enter the temple. My church is yours, and Emily Dickinson’s: the cathedral of nature. I feel awe, and delight at being alive, and that is enough.
Ramon been too long man. And I greatly admire you for your faith. To me the whole ball game is finding a path on this planet that works. And allows Grace to find its way into the heart. Mine has been a pretty unorthodox route, but I am sure just because I am a bit more twisted than the average Joe.
Tom, Reminded me of something you wrote a few years ago. This is an important question. Too many people ask and just are satisfied with the answers they find in the news or at “schools”. Thanks for bringing it to light and making me think. I was raised (latino) Catholic. Now am labeled born again Christian, either for my political views or because I read the Bible and attend church on Sundays. I do believe in the God of the Bible and that creates lots of problems when anybody finds out. I don’t know if that is a good or… Read more »
Dave somehow the ages got scrambled in edit. We have now fixed. Thanks for the correction, as usual.
No problema, Tom.
“I also have a 14-year-old son, Cole, who climbs into bed with me.”
Tom, I hate to correct you, but Cole is 5. Also, it says at the top of the piece that Seamus is 13 and in the bottom blurb it says he’s 14. Which is it? Shanti
I will check out Devotion, Lindsey … and Stephen, you are more spiritual than you know, brother.
I love this.
As I mentioned, my mother has a Quaker upbringing as well, and I am intrigued … similarly, more than a few readers of mine have told me they think the religion I seem to write from is Buddhism.
I write a lot about faith, and what it is, and finding it, and all of the questions you allude to here.
Have you read Devotion, by Dani Shapiro? It is a book about some of these questions and it moved me more than any single book in the last many years.
Great article Tom. I too fall into your category of “in – between, no name to it” religion. Raised a religious Jew, spending my time studying Buddhism and marrying a non practicing Christian converted to Jew- I believe my youngest daughter (who was 4 or 5 at the time) summed it up best. When asked by one of her friends who was confused by the christmas tree in our house ” So what are you guys, Jewish, Christian, what?” My daughter gave it some brief thought and said, “We’re just people, we celebrate everything.” If only the whole planet could… Read more »
Thank you Suzanne. Of course my goodness is a day-to-day deal, but what I have come to cherish is the goodness of the world and the people around me. Cool that we have the Quaker background in common. It is one thing that helped me see that we all have an “inner light” of our own. No need to put a label on it or try to make it fit into someone else’s definition of the Devine.
If the program allowed the awarding of stars, I would decorate this page. Raised by a first generation Irish Catholic mom and a Protestant father with a long list of American war heroes, I received a Catholic education for 17 years, only to come to the end of it and decide: “Well, little of that makes sense to me.” I taught at a Quaker school, visited a variety of religious services, married a non-religious Jew, taught Lit classes in the deep South from the perspective of a Humanist, and raised two great open-minded kids. Along the way, I came to… Read more »