Maybe You’re the Problem: How Unhealed Trauma Can Turn You Into the Toxic One

So, your ex was a walking red flag parade — maybe they gaslit you until you questioned reality, manipulated you like a puppet, or left scars, both visible and invisible.

You escaped, or maybe they left first, but either way, you’re in a new relationship with someone healthy — the kind of person who doesn’t weaponize love.

And yet… something feels off.

They don’t react the way your ex did.

They don’t play the same games.

And instead of embracing the peace, you find yourself poking at it, questioning it, waiting for the inevitable betrayal.

Here’s the truth no one wants to admit: if you haven’t healed from your last relationship, you might be the toxic one this time around.

The Ghosts of Relationships Past

Let’s talk about trauma.

When you’ve been through emotional or physical abuse, endless lies, or a constant gaslighting cycle, your nervous system adjusts to survival mode. Your body and mind learn that love comes with chaos, so when you enter something safe, your instincts scream: Where’s the catch?

Suddenly, a healthy partner’s kindness feels suspicious.

Their honesty feels like a trick.

And their patience?

Oh, that’s just pity, right?

You assume they’ll leave, so you self-sabotage first. You test them, accuse them, or shut down entirely. And when they finally can’t take it anymore, guess what?

The cycle repeats.

You get to say, See? Everyone leaves.

But did they?

Or did you unknowingly push them out?

Healing Isn’t Optional — But It Also Doesn’t Mean Isolation

Here’s where people get it twisted: healing doesn’t necessarily mean locking yourself in solitude for years before daring to date again.

Some people need time alone, sure.

Others heal through relationships — by learning to trust again, by experiencing love in a way that doesn’t require suffering.

But what is non-negotiable is actively doing the work.

Therapy.

Self-reflection.

Support groups.

Honest conversations.

Finding resources that help you unpack what happened so you don’t make someone new pay for someone else’s sins.

Victimhood vs. Accountability

This is the part that stings.

Yes, you were hurt.

Maybe even destroyed.

But at some point, healing becomes a choice.

If you continue to let the past dictate your present, you’re not just a victim — you’re an active participant in your own suffering.

And worse?

You could be dragging someone else into it, turning their love into collateral damage.

The Hardest Truth? Healthy Love Won’t Chase You Forever

A good partner can be patient, but they can’t heal you. They can support you, but they’re not responsible for undoing what someone else did. If you don’t work on your wounds, you’ll either lose them, or worse — you’ll turn them into the kind of person you needed healing from.

So before you point fingers at yet another “failed” relationship, ask yourself: Am I still living in the past? Am I looking for proof that all love is doomed? Am I expecting this person to fix what they didn’t break? If the answer is yes, it’s time to step back and do the work.

Because the reality is, you deserve a love that doesn’t hurt — but only if you’re ready to receive it.

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Hi, I’m Fiona, a writer going through an unexpected chapter in life.

I lost my job in April 2024, and my husband and I have been getting by on his small medical residency income. After stepping away from IVF, we were surprised and overjoyed to find ourselves pregnant, but it’s added financial stress as we prepare for this new journey.

Writing is my way of contributing to our family while covering essentials like groceries, bills and maybe items for our 🌈 miracle baby.

If you’d like to support us, your kindness would mean the world — every little bit helps. $1, $2…Anything is appreciated. Donate here (Venmo).

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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