I Was Today Years Old When I Found Alignment

I used to think love was about making it work. But have you ever tried squeezing a puzzle piece into the wrong place?

You turn it, flip it, maybe even try to force it – but no matter how much effort you put in, it’s not going to fit. And deep down, you know it.

That’s what misalignment feels like. You might be able to hold things together for a while, but the bigger picture suffers. You lose sight of yourself. You make compromises that don’t feel like compromises – they feel like self-betrayal(because they are). And for what? To keep a version of love that isn’t actually working?

The truth is, love alone isn’t enough.

Alignment matters.

…

The First Time I Encountered Alignment (Without Realising It)

I was pregnant, stressed, and desperately searching for peace. The kind of peace that doesn’t disappear after a deep breath or a long walk. The kind of peace that doesn’t come from yoga, meditation, or high doses of CBD and valerian tea that left me feeling sleepy and a little sedated on consumption for days (I’ve tried it all).

I went to see a Christian counselor, hoping for clarity. At the end of our session, he asked me a question that left me silent:

“Imagine your life is a straight line. Is he on that line with you? Can he go where want to go?”

I couldn’t answer. I wanted to say yes, but something in me knew the truth. I just wasn’t ready to face it.

At the time, I didn’t fully understand alignment. I thought my job was to find the right words, to explain myself better, to work harder to make things fit.

Years later, when I found myself hesitating over a marriage proposal, it felt like the alarm ringing at the end of a test – like the announcement that your time is up, and you have to stop writing. Suddenly, you realise all that’s left is the proof of what you’ve already done, the time spent, and the work you’ve put in. Everything up until that point counts. That’s when I finally understood what my counselor meant.”

…

Misalignment in My Relationship Looked Like…

I spoke about my dreams(I wanted to perform), I was met with:

“I think it’s time to focus on the kids.”

And while I understand that raising a family takes priority, that conversation was as short as that – no curiosity, no real discussion. I wanted someone who was willing to sit with those dreams and talk about how to make them work.

I’ve realised I need someone who:

• Is emotionally available – not just present in the room.

• Enjoys real conversations – the kind where we go beyond the surface often.

• Looks up from their phone when I’m upset – because presence matters.

• Stands beside me outside with the kids – so I’m not left feeling like a single mum.

• Makes an effort – whether that’s planning a date or just sharing quality time.

• Stays present with the family, not off in another room.

• Wants to be creative with me – whether it’s their idea, mine, or something we dream up together.

• Asks how my day was – and listens with care.

• Likes to text and responds – because communication should flow both ways.

These aren’t huge demands. They’re just the things that make a relationship feel like a partnership. And now, I know that if someone can’t meet me in these ways, I’m not waiting or hoping for them to change.

The longer you put these things aside, you betray yourself little by little. You sign up for a relationship you never intended on. Because you become unintentional about the growth of your relationship. Betraying my needs day in and day out lead to biggers problems.

Such as …

• Faith & Beliefs – I needed someone who shared my faith, who understood how much it shaped my decisions and the way I wanted to raise my children. But we weren’t aligned there.

• Marriage & Commitment – I wanted a lifelong partnership built on mutual growth, emotional availability, and deep conversations. But every time I tried to talk , I was met with, “we ‘ll talk later.” Alot of the time. End of conversation.

• Emotional Presence – I needed someone who looked up from their phone when I cried. Who asked about my day and actually listened. Who made me feel like I had a partner, not just someone I lived with.

• Creativity & Dreams – I wanted someone who wanted to build something with me, to dream with me, to get involved in creative pursuits. But when I shared my ideas, the interest was never felt. There were no questions neither.

The thing is you don’t get here in one day. You get here in about 6 years with every little action of self betrayal.

With 3 kids I don’t get to perform at present(One of my dreams). However, no one said I should stop exercising my creativity and this keeps me happy.

I’ve started my own community drama club, I write, I collaborate with friends – and I realise I was always capable. I just needed to stop waiting for someone else’s support.

At some point, I had to ask myself: Would God want this for me?

The answer wasn’t a clear yes, I already knew what I had to do.

…

What Alignment Feels Like Now

Imagine your life is a straight line. Is he on that line with you? Can he go where want to go?”

No, because my needs are not able to be met.
No, because I can only control myself
No, because I’d be signing up to a life of my needs not being met.
No, because a break up is hard enough I don’t want to experience a divorce I could have helped to prevent.
No, because ultimately we don’t align in terms of our relationship with God. That was the kicker for me . I was trying to bargain my faith and that would never have worked from a Christian point of view.

Bargaining my faith looked like watching church online with the volume low so it wouldn’t be a thing. Like trying to hear the sermon over blaring music on a Sunday morning. Like hearing him unpack the box of religion and the Bible in front of the kids – but never making the effort to put it back together.

It looked like him saying he didn’t believe in marriage but still wanting to marry me. Like the possibility of hearing, ‘But I told you I don’t believe in marriage’ down the line if things fell apart.

It looked like trying to hold off on sex until marriage and being met with negotiation – one that didn’t hold God in the highest regard.

I was trying to bargain my faith, trying to make it all fit. But faith isn’t something you negotiate. Not with God. Not with yourself.

Now, I trust God to let the pieces fall as they may – but with action, because faith without works is dead. Maybe I don’t perform my writing yet, but I will. I don’t stop creating. I don’t panic-make it work. I don’t force pieces into places where they don’t belong.

This time, I’m building with alignment in mind and trusting that the right pieces will fall into place when they’re meant to.

I know now that alignment isn’t about perfection – it’s about choosing a life that makes sense for you. And this time, I’m choosing wisely.

(No, I’m not a fan of the ‘you should have chose better committee’, It’s not a guarantee).

I’m choosing peace over familiarity.

Love,

From Jamalia x

—

This post was previously published on medium.com.

***