Dear Women: You Are Not “The Prize”

This piece is for women who are attracted to men and are at least open to, if not actively seeking, a romantic relationship with one.

Before I say anything else, let me state this unequivocally:

If I were in your shoes, I would choose being single over being in an abusive or otherwise toxic relationship. 100%.

So rest assured, I won’t be suggesting in any way that you not hold fast to that stance. (In fact, even as a man who’s attracted to women, I’ve had to make that same decision and hold fast to it. But that’s a story for another time.)

And believe me when I tell you — from the bottom of my heart — I do not want to make it easier for assholes to gain access to your body or your heart. You don’t deserve manipulation or abuse. You don’t deserve possessiveness disguised as love, nor do you deserve to be breadcrumbed. Besides, good men & women are natural allies; bad men make dating harder for both of us.

What I am here to do is suggest that if you desire some form of romantic connection with a man, then the common advice to women that “You are the prize” could actually end up leading you astray. And when I say “suggest”, I mean just that. It’s of course up to you to decide how much of what I lay down here applies to you. But I would regret not writing this piece if it turned out there was something in it that you needed to hear.

Let’s start with the most obvious pitfall.

I recently saw online a sticker design by “Feminist Power Stickers” that reads: “So many men, so few who can afford me.” Ah yes…the old trope that a man has to earn a woman’s love via his wallet. (And can someone please explain how exactly that old trope qualifies as “feminist”?) Well, if seeing yourself as the prize means you believe a man should spend his way into your heart, consider this: if he succeeds at using his deep pockets to win you over, does that mean he actually loves you? Or does it just mean that he was willing to play by your rules? And is it possible he used your own rules against you — to get you to give him your heart so that he can control you? Careful what you wish for…

Which man would you rather have?

A man who sees you as a prize to be won and is determined to win you? Or a man who knows that his life is worth living with or without you, but would rather do it with you — and will make that apparent to you — because he believes you two could bring each other’s happiness to a whole other level?

If you see yourself as the prize, then the former might be more adept at giving you the initial rush of feeling prized — but does that mean he actually loves you? On the contrary, it could very well mean he sees you as a possession to be captured and jealously controlled. His fear of losing you could become his (utterly unjustifiable) reason for abusing you.

Whereas a man who comes from a place of actual love would rather see you happy on your own or with someone else, than unhappy with him. That’s the sort of person who can potentially give you the kind of love that makes your spirit soar.

None of us are entitled to ask for more than we’re willing to give.

In a series of posts here on Medium,

Olúmúyìwá Mòńjọláolúwa

(who also goes by “Olú”) provides an in-depth case study of a woman laying down in an Instagram post her parameters for a romantic relationship with a man.

Exposing the abnormalities in a Woman’s Romantic Expectations (Part 1)

entitlement wrapped in poetic victimhood

To make a long story short, she’s asking for unconditional love from a man while attaching all sorts of conditions for her love. I’ve only read the first three parts thus far, and already I see echoes of women I’ve met in real life. Women with an “I don’t need to bring anything to the table because I am the table” kind of attitude.

Don’t get me wrong: anytime I hear of a man asking a woman “What do you bring to the table?”, I cringe. (Way to kill the mood, dude.) But don’t let “Women are the prize” delude you into thinking that men aren’t entitled to hold standards and boundaries of their own.

I’ve always wanted a woman who makes me feel that she sees the pain of what I’ve had to go through in this life as a man. But that’s something I do for women all the time – even ones I’m not in a relationship with or looking for any kind of romantic or sexual connection with.

Let me provide some concrete examples:

(1) An anecdote I shared in a previous piece:

I was waiting at a traffic light to walk across a busy city street. I noticed a couple of cute young women waiting there next to me. It was the weekend of Halloween, and they were dressed in skimpy outfits. As for me, I wasn’t dressed in any kind of costume, but I was rocking a leather jacket.

Before we knew it, a convertible full of guys drove by and hooted and hollered at the women. The car sped off and was gone, but when I looked over at the two women, they were clearly shaken. To ease their tension, I joked: “Wow, I guess those guys really liked my jacket!” It worked; they laughed and were visibly more relaxed.

But that was it. There was no way I was going to follow up with even the slightest expression of interest in either one of those women. Not under those circumstances. I had just made them feel safe. If I’d given them any reason to think that was just a pretext to get something from them… So when the traffic light told us it was our turn to go, we crossed the street and then went our separate ways, and that was that.

But I have no regrets; I still feel good about my choices that evening. (Besides, seeing the positive effect I was able to have on the two of them was its own reward, so there’s that).

(2) A snippet from a comment I made on an article by

In some of my Medium articles, I’ve written about my faith that I was put in this life for a reason (and how that faith has allowed me to build my sense of self-worth on a foundation that no one can take away from me). Well, I figure that if I’m here for a reason, then so is everyone else. Which means everyone else has value too — women no less so than men.

The fact that you, SC, or your daughter are female says nothing about what either of you have to offer the world or what paths either of you were meant to follow in life (when I say “meant to”, I don’t mean in the sense of what society says, but in more of a “cosmic” sense).

And it’s not for me (or anyone else) to determine what your value is; it’s enough for me just to know you have value and relate to you as a fellow soul — a soul who has value for the exact same reason you do: the fact that we were born into this life (no matter the differences in our appendages and plumbing).

There’s no zero-sum dynamic in play; women realizing their potential doesn’t take anything away from my value, and I don’t need women to dim their own light in order for me to realize my potential.

(3) In another recent piece, I provided the following illustration of what I find to be the deepest, most fulfilling joy of sex:

Looking into my partner’s eyes as I finger her with one hand and caress her with the other, and telling her with my eyes: “Yes, you deserve this. Your pleasure matters because YOU matter.”

Notice how this scene doesn’t involve my penis being inside her (or being stimulated by her in some other way). And it’s also about way more than just her pleasure.

It’s about the two of us connecting at a “soulular” level. It’s about creating a paradise for her where she’s free from objectification, body-shaming, and slut-shaming and can experience her body as the source of joy it was meant to be for her. It’s about giving her the empathy and passion that no sex toy ever could. It’s about helping her heal.

It feels good to make another soul feel that their pain is seen. But I’ll only open my heart to a woman who wants to make me feel that my pain is seen. Romantic love should never truly be unconditional — from any direction.

Don’t do this. Just…don’t.

It’s one thing to think of yourself as the prize, but if you say it out loud in front of men, that’s a good way to repel men you could share a healthy kind of love with. Tell a man with even a modicum of self-respect what a catch you are and how lucky he is to have your attention, and it’ll land like a man telling you what a nice guy he is and how you should give him a chance. It’s one of those scenarios where, “If you were really as great as you say you are, you wouldn’t have to tell me.”

In a recent piece (linked below),

KAT

has written:

You are the petals, you are the scent of woman that men crave. In their world, their [sic] are no flowers without you. That’s why the creator made you, to bring the beauty, the presence of so much diversity of magic in form, the essence of life and the bringer of it.

I realize that KAT’s purpose here is to convince women not to waste commitment on a man who offers only breadcrumbs, and I personally have found her to be a wise and compassionate person, but in this instance, she’s perpetuating a myth that ultimately harms both men & women: the myth that a man needs a woman’s romantic love in order to have beauty, light, & warmth in his life.

I get how that myth can feel empowering to a woman, but just look at the historical record as well as what’s going on today in the “manosphere”. That myth doesn’t encourage men to love women; it encourages them to adopt a fear-based scarcity mentality towards women that can be warped (and too often does get warped) into bitter resentment. It has led to women being treated like beautiful caged birds who men dare not uncage for fear that they might fly away.

So I don’t know about you, but I’m in favor of ditching that tired old narrative that really needs to die already and starting over with a fresh one that’s more conducive to actual love.

You don’t have to see yourself as the prize in order to hold a deep sense of self-worth.

If I were single now and there was a woman I felt drawn to as a romantic prospect, my thoughts wouldn’t be dwelling on what I hope she does for me; they’d be focused on what I can do for her.

And I’m not talking about fancy dinners or other trappings of a lavish lifestyle. I’m talking about my empathy and my passion. I’m talking about making her feel seen. I’m talking about breaking through all the BS that makes it so hard for men and women to connect with each other as fellow souls. I’m talking about helping her feel connected to her own body so that she can get in touch with her true nature as a child of the cosmos.

But just because I’m thinking about what I can do for her doesn’t mean I’m a doormat desperate for validation. On the contrary, knowing what I have to offer makes it easier for me to manage the pain of rejection — because I know what she’s missing out on by rejecting me, and that’s her loss, not mine. Furthermore, it gives me the confidence to hold high standards and not give myself to a woman who’s undeserving.

And I’m able to have that sense of self-worth without the need to see myself as “the prize”. (In fact, anytime I read/hear a man claim that men are the prize, I can’t help but snort derisively!) Something to think about.

With Love,

—

This post was previously published on medium.com.

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