Why I Keep My Heart at a Distance

It’s not that I don’t feel. It’s that I feel… too much.

I don’t hate love.
I’m not bitter.
I don’t walk around cold-hearted, rolling my eyes at romance or avoiding connection like it’s contagious.

But I do keep my heart a little further back than most.
Not because I want to.
Because I’ve had to.

Love Taught Me to Flinch First

It started with little things.

Like the silence after a vulnerable text.
Or the way someone’s eyes shifted right before they said, “I’m just not ready.”

At first, I’d try harder.
Be more understanding.
Shrink a little, hoping they’d stay.

But love didn’t reward that softness.

It punished it.

The more I gave, the less I was seen.
The more I opened, the faster they ran.

And so, slowly, I learned:
Love wasn’t always safe.
And my heart… wasn’t always protected.

People Assume I Don’t Care

Because I’m careful now.

Because I don’t fall fast.
Don’t text first.
Don’t spill my soul on the second date or dream out loud like I used to.

They think I’m detached.
Guarded. Maybe even cold.

But the truth is —
I’m terrified.

Not of love.
Of losing myself in it again.

Of becoming the version of me who bends too far just to be held.

Of being seen and still left.

I’ve Been the One Who Waited by the Phone

And trust me — it changes you.

It makes you double-check every message.
Reread the tone.
Analyze the space between their words.

You become someone who tiptoes through connection instead of walking freely into it.

Not because you want to play games.
But because you’re scared of being the only one who actually showed up.

Again.

This Is Why I Keep My Heart at a Distance

It’s not that I don’t want to love.

I do.
So deeply, it aches sometimes.

But I want the kind of love that feels safe.
That doesn’t punish me for feeling deeply.
That doesn’t disappear when I stop pretending to be “chill.”

And until I feel that safety —
I’ll keep my heart tucked just behind the door.

Not locked.
But cautious.

Final Thought: If You’ve Loved and Lost Yourself in the Process — You Get It

We don’t stay guarded because we’re broken.
We stay guarded because we’ve been too open with the wrong people.

But deep down, we’re still soft.
Still hopeful.
Still waiting for someone who won’t ask us to shrink just to be loved.

Until then, we protect what’s left.
And that… is an act of love too.

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