The Real Reason Why the Avoidant Man Keeps Coming Back

In my 35 years on this planet, I have dated quite a few men. Some were anxious, some were avoidant, some of them secure, and a few were downright narcissistic.

I classify myself as being disorganized attached (fearful avoidant). I usually get very anxious when I really like someone and let them cross all my boundaries. But when I am not that invested, I get more avoidant.

And since I am aware of my attachment style, I am intrigued by these behavioral patterns. I recognize it almost immediately in my friends, in myself, and also in my partners. It has become almost like a game to figure out other people’s styles.

After all, once you know the signs, it’s very hard to miss.

Avoidant men vs. avoidant women

All avoidants have certain traits in relationships in common, including emotional distance, impenetrable walls around them, high highs and low lows, instant connection and instant disconnection (just to name a few).

Many avoidants can just walk away from the relationship without any clear warning. And most likely, they will also return again.

There is a big difference in the reasons why an avoidant man keeps coming back to you, though. For an avoidant woman to return to their (ex) partner, it’s the attention that is waiting for them. They are deprived of emotional closeness, yet they crave it as well.

But the avoidant man most likely misses something more powerful than closeness:

SEX.

Wired for sex

Let’s be honest here. Men are genetically wired to spread their seeds around as much as possible. It’s literally in their DNA. After all, a woman is stuck with a baby inside of her for 9 months, and no other man can create another offspring with her. She is ‘done’ with her fertility until the baby is born.

In those 9 months, the same man can impregnate countless other women. Evolutionary speaking, they have an inner need to secure their offspring with fertile women.

Obviously, this is a very simplified explanation, but it helps with understanding this article.

The power of the pussy

So, let’s get back to avoidant attachment styles. When an avoidant man is triggered into walking away (which will happen due to their emotional unavailability), they need space from the connection.

But they don’t need space from sex. After all, their body still has the same needs wired into their DNA. So when the female partner of an avoidant man reaches out after a while to regain closeness, it signals sex to the guy. Of course, they want that!

They come back, get laid, and are still avoidantly attached. And the cycle repeats. Meanwhile, the woman in the story gets extremely frustrated (and sad) that the man keeps coming back but doesn’t want commitment.

The result is social media full of hate towards avoidant people. Why do they push you away but keep coming back?

What can you do?

If you are the woman in the story, don’t fall for the trap that an avoidant man wants YOU when they come back again. They want your body.

Of course, I cannot speak for all men, and I am sure there are men out there who come back because of love. But after my 100 different bed partners, I know that sex is an incredible currency to mimic love.

And the only thing you can do as a woman is to respect yourself and your body. Let the avoidant work for you and prove they are ready to love you. Don’t just throw your body in the mix immediately.

A man who truly wants you will make that clear, even without sex.

Outdated beliefs

A guy who prioritizes sex over emotional bonding has outdated thinking. While back in the days it was true that a man needed to spread their seeds, nowadays we know that emotional closeness with someone is much more powerful.

Sex with love is 100 times better than sex just for satisfaction. Unfortunately, many avoidant men haven’t really experienced a deep connection because that’s exactly what they are afraid of.

So they use sex as a way to get close to someone. I have been there myself, too, and it feels empty. You are constantly looking for a way to connect, but as long as you don’t respect yourself and your body first, others won’t either.

Do this when you want to gain the respect of an avoidant

An avoidant man will most likely return if you offer yourself to him again, simply because he knows sex is waiting for him. Or, if he is the one reaching out first, he does that with the same thing in mind.

If you are the woman in this position, the best thing you can do is not give him what he wants. An avoidant will start chasing even more if you are not so available all the time.

If he sees that you are not so easy to give in, he will get more intrigued. When you show that you respect yourself, he will start questioning what has changed.

Especially if you are anxiously attached, your pattern is probably to remain close to someone at all costs. This is exactly why an avoidant keeps coming back to you.

The avoidant needs to heal their patterns

I can tell you straight up: an avoidant doesn’t just change in a few weeks. The fact that you are inviting them back in is not going to help either of you, even when he says he is different now. Don’t believe that when the avoidant reaches out, everything will be fine all of a sudden.

Avoidant attachment is something deeply rooted in childhood and needs a lot of inner work. Sex is just an easy way to feel (somewhat) close to someone, but emotional closeness is where the hard work needs to be done for an avoidant.

If you are the anxious partner of an avoidant, all you can do is let them go on their own journey.

Believe that there is a plan for you as well

Sometimes people come into our lives to hold up a mirror. If the avoidant man keeps coming back for sex, maybe the lesson you need to learn is to start respecting yourself.

If you are looking for an emotionally available man who wants more than just your body, you have to start pushing the avoidants away. Especially when they don’t do the inner work.

I know how hard this is if you are anxiously attached, because you think (and wish) you can heal your partner. But nobody can heal anyone but themselves.

This book was great for me to recognize patterns in myself and others.

After all, we can only learn our own lessons on this journey called life, and it’s often in the biggest pain that we learn the most.

Have my stories helped you, and want to buy me a coffee? I would love that very much!