How to Convince Your Avoidant Partner to Open Up and Show Vulnerability

Engaging with your avoidant partner can seem like you are climbing up a mountain that is covered in ice, with shoes that were soaked in oil.

I am not going to give you a manual on how to tie your avoidant partner down, so they finally become receptive to open dialogue and communication.

I am going to teach you how to create the environment where they feel comfortable, and moments of vulnerability don’t feel like extracting information from a secret agent.

The “trap” is the path that finally gets you past that wall you have been trying to chop at without success.

The avoidant mind seems like a code you have to unlock, but what if I told you it wasn’t as complex as it might seem?

I understand that the dynamic feels frustrating when you feel like you are putting in work and energy that is not being reciprocated.

We are going to disassemble to “pull” approach and work through a new method that gets your partner to change course and engage with you.

Remember, the cookies are in the oven and you have to let them bake.

Unlock the cage

It is almost impossible to resist pulling when it seems like someone is fading away or pushing back.

One of the earliest mistakes we make with avoidants is trying to close the gap when we feel like there is space and distance in the relationship.

When we feel resistance to our engagement two things happen.

· We take on the emotional damage of feeling rejected, and it feels personal when someone doesn’t want to engage with us.

· We begin to question the relationship and begin to comply with the silence, attempting to use it as some sort of glue to alleviate the tension.

Stop there.

I’m not here to call you crazy. Better yet, your response is a reasonable reaction to the trigger you feel when someone isn’t engaging and present.

Your first avenue toward success is to match the push with a step back. Your avoidant partner prefers to work independently, and when someone encroaches on their operation, they feel like they are losing control.

Your avoidant partner’s desire is not to push you away, but rather to fix their problems on their own. They feel weakened when they have to work with someone to fix a problem they feel like they can handle.

The push is your partners way of telling you they’re beginning to feel overwhelmed.

Our reaction is feeling like they are hiding something or evading any communication with us, but this is your first sign that they are dealing with an issue they don’t know how to communicate yet.

Your partner wants to trust your ability to give them time to process. No, that does not mean they are going to immediately come to you when they have worked through their process, but it alleviates the fear that you are going to force them to engage with you.

Pause, this isn’t the end game.

Snowball

Your partner has learned throughout their life that they shouldn’t rely on anyone else.

You know from my previous articles that vulnerability feels like weakness to the avoidant.

Vulnerability feels like they are reliant on someone else to assist them through something they should have control over. They have to unlearn this, but that doesn’t happen in one grand moment.

You have to engage with your partner in small low stakes moments that don’t feel like they are being pressured to engage.

Remember, when I said you have to give your partner their independent time? That doesn’t mean that you drop the topic and never return to it again.

Reengage from their perspective and not your analysis of the situation. Keep the stakes low

“I feel like you were extremely frustrated with everything that happened with work, do you want to talk about it.” This is an example of high stakes engagement. You have applied an emotion to your partner they didn’t express and then asked for a conversation on spot. I know, it seems normal.

You have to engage with your partner and slowly peel back the onion.

When you are secure you operate in a different order of operations. Not only do you welcome the idea of someone showing interest in engaging when they can tell something is off, it makes you feel seen.

Your avoidant partner does not feel that way yet.

The “trap you set here” is peeling back the onion by leading the horse to water. Your partner will be receptive when you ask them about what they did and ask questions from there.

“Were you able to work through x event at work that you told me about?” Sometimes you might get a yes/no answer. Now you can engage with emotion but not applying it on them. “Good if that was me, it would have been really frustrating.” Again, you might get a yes/no. LEAVE IT THERE.

Low stakes is about letting your partner know they have the space to not engage with a topic they don’t want to talk about.

Let’s say they do engage. “Yes, it was so frustrating, I feel like this keeps happening.” I know this seems like a short one-off sentence, but you can grab a lot of information from this. Your partner gave you insight into the type of triggers that can cause them to feel a certain emotion. Now is a great time to ask them how they worked through it. Again, when they engage leave it there! Low stakes.

The statement

Although avoidants are short with their words, they like to feel like they are intentional about what they say and express.

It is a great moment to hold them accountable for the words that they say and get the explanation from them from their account.

The mistake a lot of people make with avoidants is telling them how you feel about what they said. If you want a conversation with an avoidant to go off the rails, use that approach. Don’t use that approach. They will use that as ammunition and a reason to disengage with the conversation.

Instead, ask them what they meant about what they said.

I will give you one “trap” when you dig for information. If you want to get information from an avoidant you have to trap them into the statement and word that they said.

Avoidants are hard pressed on their personal responsibility, it is part of their individual, independent nature. They can hide when you are configuring the message for them, but when you rely directly on their words, they have to engage with the content.

For example, if an avoidant says something like “I promise to be better.” Our brain lights up, because we feel like we finally have the moment to teach them what it takes. No. Instead, “I hear you saying you’ll be better, what do you mean by that?”

Instead of listing off a bunch of requirements that can result in them telling you you’re needy or too much, they need to feel responsible for what they said, not your analysis and perception.

Don’t use this as an attack “No, you said xyz,” is not the approach to use here. Statements don’t work, questions asking for clarity do. Remember, peel back the onion.

If you’re ready to work through your relationship patterns and earn secure attachment, I offer a structured 8-week Attachment Style Transformation course as well as one-time 1:1 coaching sessions. To learn more and see if it’s a good fit, click here or email me at [email protected] to book a free 15-minute onboarding call.

Want to learn about the triggers of the dismissive-avoidant? Get a free guide here.