Reconnecting With Old Friends as an Adult

Simple ways to revive friendships that matter.

There’s a saying that goes, “If they wanted to, they would.” Imagine if it were that simple. We’re not teenagers anymore.

As much as we would love to stay in constant contact with all the people we care about, it’s not always doable. People have kids, work, hobbies, errands, health issues, and various other responsibilities. Then there’s human emotion.

Being an adult is challenging and complex. It’s also exhausting. Sometimes we just don’t have it in us to even look at a phone, much less carry on a conversation. Honestly, there are many times I put my phone in a drawer, crawl into bed, and watch television for hours without even looking at my texts or calls.

If you’re reading this, chances are there are one or more people with whom you wish you could reconnect. Maybe you’re holding back because you feel it’s too late, or you feel bad that it’s been so long since you spoke to them.

There are no guarantees. You might reach out and never hear back, or it could work beautifully. However, if you feel it’s worth it, there are tips you can try not just to reconnect with old friends but to increase the chances of maintaining the friendship as a busy adult.

Explain the Situation

Be honest about why you haven’t been in touch. Maybe you’ve been having a difficult time, or you’ve been working crazy hours. Whatever the reason, don’t just text “Hi” and leave it at that. Consider apologizing and being truthful about the circumstances. Reach out to share your message, but don’t have expectations about getting a response.

Schedule Text Messages

The “Send Later” feature in the iPhone Messages app has been incredibly useful for helping me stay in touch with people. I’ll write texts late at night and schedule them to go out the next day; that way, I don’t worry about waking anyone. It also decreases the chances that I’ll forget to respond.

Set a Reach Out Time

Schedule 5 or 10 minutes a day to reach out to people, whether it’s by text, phone calls, email, or social media message. You could even multitask, such as doing it while you’re picking up the kids from school, before you drive out of your work parking lot, while you’re waiting for dinner to heat up, or right before you do your wind-down routine at night. If you want to remember to reach out to certain people, make a list throughout the day of who to contact.

Turn Off Your Read Receipts

Many people anticipate getting an immediate response after the recipient reads the message, but this creates false expectations. There are numerous reasons someone can’t get back to the sender right away, including that they’re cooking dinner, half asleep, at a function, or going into the shower. Maybe their kid is having a temper tantrum.

Even the most understanding people can feel frustrated if they feel like they’re being ignored. If you currently have your read receipts on, consider turning them off, at least for certain people.

Schedule an In-Person Reconnection

Avoid getting into the trap of digital reconnection. Schedule a time to get together in person, even if it’s for coffee first thing in the morning or a glass of wine on your porch at night. This doesn’t have to become a frequent thing if you don’t have the time. However, even setting aside time once a month can help you reconnect with your friend and maintain the friendship.

“But they didn’t reach out to me. Why should I reach out to them?”

This is where we need to show each other some grace. No one’s life is exactly the same. We can make all the assumptions we want and get into our own heads about why they haven’t reached out, but the truth is that there’s no telling what someone else is going through. So we can all remain with our feet firmly in place and not say a word, or we could take the chance of reigniting a friendship that still has some level of importance.

The decision is yours about what you feel is worth it.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.