Are They Avoidant or Just Uninterested? 5 Ways to Know the Difference

Dating can be complicated enough. It can feel even harder when you find someone who seems into you… but only sort of.

We all know the signs of dating an avoidant.

They text you back hours later.
They want to be close to you… but only sometimes.

They push you away.

But if this cycle goes on for any length of time, it’s essential to consider what you’re actually dealing with. It can be easy to convince yourself that you’re dating someone with avoidant attachment, but it’s also possible that they might not be into you.

Sadly, many people waste months or years of their lives thinking someone is just showing signs of avoidant attachment, when they’re actually uninterested.

Are they avoidant or just uninterested? Here are five ways to tell the difference.

1. Are They Consistent?

Avoidant people tend to be consistent with their patterns. They’ll show signs that they’re trying to make it work with you, then they’ll create space — and re-engage. They have a cycle of putting distance between you.

Uninterested people are consistent, too. They’re consistently inconsistent. They reply when it’s convenient for them or when they’re bored. They never follow through on plans. There’s no real pattern or true attempt to get close to you.

If someone consistently returns after pulling away, this is a huge sign of avoidant attachment. But if they never actually follow through on plans or put in any real effort, they’re probably not interested in you.

2. Do They Open Up Emotionally?

Emotional investment is one of the best ways to tell if someone is avoidant vs. not interested.

Avoidants tend to struggle with emotional intimacy, but they do have emotional depth. They have a hard time being vulnerable with the person who they’re interested in. But over time, fragments of their emotions tend to come out: childhood traumas, fears, long-term goals, and even their feelings for you.

Someone uninterested in you will always keep the conversation at a surface level. They won’t waste time investing in you emotionally because they won’t see you as someone who they want a future with. They’ll share nothing more than they would with a friend, at most — or they’ll keep their communication with you at a minimum if they realize that you’re interested in them. They won’t say they have feelings for you, because… well, they don’t.

3. Do They Make Effort During Conflicts?

The way a person handles conflict can be one of the indicators of whether you’re dating an avoidant or not.

People with avoidant attachment style hate conflict. But when they care, they won’t completely disappear from your life. Although they might take some space from the situation, they will eventually try to repair things. Oftentimes, it means avoiding the conflict and trying to resume your relationship without truly resolving the problem at hand. But they will make the effort to work things out.

When someone’s uninterested, they don’t try to work things out. If a conflict arises or you express a need to them, they disappear or check out. If you stop texting them after a conflict, they don’t try to continue the conversation. An uninterested person won’t put in the effort to make the relationship survive through the rough patches.

4. How Do They Act When You Pull Away?

If you give an avoidant some space, they tend to make an effort to re-engage with you. Distance actually feels safer for an avoidant, so their interest in you may become clearer than it was before you gave them space.

But if someone is uninterested, they won’t react when you pull away. Chances are, they might not even notice that you’ve put some distance between the two of you. Even if they do notice, they typically won’t reach back out — at least not anytime soon.

A general rule of thumb: if your silence is met with silence, they’re probably not interested. But if your silence is met with interest, then you’re probably dating an avoidant.

5. Do They Make Future Plans?

Being cautious with long-term commitments is a sign of avoidant attachment. That being said, avoidants do make plans. They tend to keep them on the more tentative side, making them flexible and light. They’re cool with taking things slow, as long as it means keeping you in their life.

Someone who’s genuinely uninterested tends to avoid any plans. If they do make plans, they tend to keep them in the present — and only if it benefits them. Their plans are situational. They might say something like, “I could maybe squeeze you in, since I’m going to be in town visiting a friend anyway.”

An uninterested person is unlikely to initiate plans, whereas an avoidant person will.

How Do You Move Forward?

Dating someone who doesn’t feel all in can be emotionally draining. If you’re wondering how — or if — you should move forward, the answer depends.

If the person is uninterested in you, the best thing you can do is walk away. This will make space for someone who matches your own energy and effort. You’ll be able to meet someone who’s just as interested in you as you are in them.

If you’re dating an avoidant, having patience and maintaining boundaries can help you navigate the relationship. But if you find it too challenging to be with someone who constantly pushes you away, it might be time to move on. Finding someone who matches your efforts and makes it clear they care about you can make for a healthier relationship.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.