Dating after 40: Here’s a ‘Red Flag’ That Isn’t a Red Flag for You

Let’s say you learned that you won the lottery…or got picked to lead a project…or maybe you cooked something that was actually edible (hey, I’ll take my victories where I can get ‘em).

Maybe you just had a good day at work…or you just finished your first marathon. Or your kid actually spoke to you like a polite human instead of a bratty, sullen teenager. Or maybe you just won the bid on Ebay.

Who is the first person you want to tell?

According to relationship gurus, you’ll know someone is your person when they’re the first person you want to share your good news and successes with.

But for those of us dating in our older age, that doesn’t necessarily apply.

A while back I got a promotion that I had worked towards for the last 15 years of my life.

I immediately texted the good news to the man who had been with me from day one. The man who had given me opportunities and taught me so much. The man who was a big part of why I finally got this promotion.

That man was not my boyfriend. He was my mentor.

I did have a boyfriend, though. I’d been dating a fellow for a year. A good guy. A really, really good guy.

But he’s not the first person I told.

I suspect that relationship gurus would label my decision to tell someone else first was at least a yellow flag if not an all-out red flag.

I’m not so sure.

Those of us dating in our fourth decade and on…We’re not necessarily with someone who’s been in our life for a long time.

When I get really good news, my first instinct is to go share that with the people who have been a part of my support system for years and years and years, not the guy I have been dating for a year.

In fact those other people are probably the reason I have achieved what I achieved. And though I really enjoyed this fella for the past year, he wasn’t really someone I could honestly thank for being a big part of my achievement.

I don’t want to have to feel guilty for that.

But I have read the writings of quite a few relationship gurus, so I did wonder: “Is this a red flag?”

My first instinct wasn’t to tell my boyfriend. Is that a sign? That he’s not the so-called ‘one’?

I questioned my instinct. I questioned my judgement. I wondered if that meant my guy wasn’t my guy.

After all, if he was truly my permanent forever person, wouldn’t I have instantly wanted to tell him first? Would it have been an automatic gimme that I would have immediately told him, not my mentor?

I thought about the Oscars. Remember when Sandra Bullock won hers for The Blind Side? She caught a lot of grief for not mentioning her husband in her acceptance speech though they’d been married for about 5 years.

Less than two weeks later, her husband’s mistresses started oozing out of the woodwork.

Unlike Sandra, Bradley Cooper knew better than to leave his significant other out. In his acceptance speech for the British Academy of Film and Television Awards, he thanked his baby mama.

(Notice: He just thanked his girlfriend for putting up with him, not for being a main reason he achieved what he achieved. Also notice: He’s been nominated for about 12 Academy Awards and won zero.)

Anyway, their relationship tanked a few months later.

If celebrity scandals have taught me nothing, I do hate the idea of giving a boyfriend — who may be temporary — a big space in my memories when I have no idea how long he’ll last.

I know that my friends and my mentor and my support system are forever people in my life. I don’t yet know that the person I’m dating is. My impulse is to give the people who have been by my side all this time the honor of being the first people I tell.

When I look back on the time I got this promotion — which meant a lot to me — I didn’t want to risk that memory being contaminated by a guy who was possibly going to be an ex-boyfriend in my future memories of this moment.

So then I have to check myself: Is my instinct to tell a friend instead of a boyfriend about me being ‘damaged’?

Because my past relationships didn’t last, am I too careful and too protective, too prone to assume this guy won’t be around so then I do the very things that may cause us to not last, like not coming to him first to celebrate my victories?

Or…is this actually a healthy sign that I don’t hand out “You’ll be the first person I tell my good news to” status to anyone I’m dating?

I was very happy to be in a steady, stable relationship. (Don’t knock those boring-sounding adjectives. I’ve come to see steady and stable as very sexy.) But that doesn’t mean I just gave him insta-status so that he was already on par with the members of my decades-long support system.

The truth is…I doubt my boyfriend nor my mentor would get terribly sensitive about not being the first person I told. Neither of them asked “Was I the first person you told?”

Perhaps the only true red flag in these situations is if a boyfriend got butthurt about not being the first person I told.

And for sure I did think: Maybe I should tell my boyfriend first, just pro forma, because that’s what gurus say you ‘should’ want to do. So I could have told my boyfriend first just in case he did become my person.

Nah. I’m not adhering to some generic guidance from gurus who don’t know me or how age changes things.

Gurus are good for provoking thought, but there is no one-size-fits-all answer. The answer has to be customized to you, not generic red flags.

Although I’ll contradict myself here and give you one guru tidbit that applies to everyone: If the good news is that your STD test came back negative, then, yeah, sure, maybe the first person you should share that news with is your person.

So here’s my question to those of you who are with your person:

How soon into dating your person did you start making your person the person you went to first with your good news? But the key follow-up question I have for you is: What age were you when this person came into your life and becamse your person?

I think…the older we are, the more time it may take for a person we’re dating to jump line to become our ‘first-person-I-tell’ person over the other people we’ve acquired in the preceding decades.

Or maybe the secret for us older-in-dating people is to pull an Ewan McGregor: In his Golden Globes acceptance speech, he thanked both his ex-wife and his current girlfriend at the same time. Problem solved.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.