Losing her wasn’t the hardest part.
The hardest part…
Was realizing I gave her a reason to leave.
Not because I didn’t care.
But because I wasn’t showing up.
Not for her.
Not even for myself.
And once you see that…
You can’t unsee it.
It’s been about two years since my ex left me.
And I couldn’t even be mad at her.
Because deep down, I knew why.
I was broke.
Lost.
Still in school.
Not really doing much with my life.
And somehow…
I expected her to stay.
To believe in me…
While I wasn’t even giving her anything to believe in.
That’s the part that really hits.
Not that she left…
But that I gave her a reason to.
That breakup messed me up.
I remember nights…
Lying in bed at like 2am…
Replaying everything.
All the moments I could’ve stepped up…
But didn’t.
And that feeling?
That mix of regret and clarity…
It hits different.
Because now you see everything.
But it’s too late.
And I could’ve stayed there.
Overthinking.
Spiraling.
Blaming myself without actually changing anything.
But I didn’t.
Not in some clean, motivational way.
More like…
I just didn’t want to feel like that ever again.
So for the next 8 months…
I locked in.
And yeah, that sounds nice.
But in reality, it felt a bit unhinged.
Checking Upwork every day.
Looking for anything I could do.
Working a job.
Posting stories here consistently.
No big plan.
Just… doing something every day so I wasn’t the same person anymore.
And slowly, things started to shift.
Nothing crazy at first.
Just small signs.
Then more.
Then more.
And two years later…
I’m sitting here with almost 7k followers.
Money in my account.
Not life-changing money.
But money I didn’t have before.
Progress I didn’t have before.
Proof that I’m not that same guy anymore.
And I’m saying this for one reason.
Because I don’t want you to need that kind of pain to wake up.
I don’t want you to wait until someone walks away…
Until you’re lying in bed at 2am…
Until you’re forced to see everything you ignored.
Because that feeling?
It sticks with you.
Even when things start getting better.
Now I can do things I couldn’t do before.
I’ve become the kind of guy who could actually show up the right way.
But it came after losing someone who deserved that version of me.
And that’s a hard pill to swallow.
So if you know you’ve been getting comfortable…
If you know you’ve been coasting…
Don’t wait.
Don’t wait for the breakup.
Don’t wait for the regret.
Don’t wait for that moment that forces you to change.
Become that person now.
While you still have the chance for someone to actually see it.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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Photo credit: Cord Allman On Unsplash
