The Hidden Truth: Not Every Relationship Belongs in Couples Counselling

Couples often seek counselling when their relationship feels stuck, strained, or unclear. And while couples therapy can be transformative, it isn’t a one-size-fits-all solution. In fact, there are certain situations where couples counselling isn’t just ineffective — it can actually be unsafe or counterproductive.

I sometimes describe couples counselling as the CrossFit of therapy: it’s intense, confronting, and often brings long-buried pain to the surface. It “rocks the boat” on purpose, shining a light on patterns, wounds, and dynamics that are difficult to face. This is necessary for growth — but only when the foundation is safe and both partners are willing to participate honestly.

So, which issues aren’t suitable for couples counselling?

1. Domestic Violence and Power Imbalances

Relationships involving domestic violence — emotional, physical, financial, or sexual — are not appropriate for couples counselling.

Abusive relationships rely on control and fear. In these dynamics, one partner typically avoids accountability and may even use therapy to manipulate, blame, or intimidate the other. Couples counselling assumes a level playing field where each person can safely express their feelings. Abuse removes that possibility.

For example:

• Emotional and sexual abuse can be subtle and hard to detect.
• An abusive partner may charm the therapist or shift blame onto their partner.
• Couples therapy can unintentionally reinforce the abuser’s narrative, placing the victim at even greater risk.

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If you’re experiencing any form of coercion, fear, or control, individual counselling with a domestic-violence-informed practitioner is the safer and more ethical option.

2. Ongoing Affairs

Couples counselling can help partners heal from an affair — but not while the affair is still happening.

If one partner is actively engaged in another relationship and has no intention of ending it, therapy becomes impossible. The ongoing betrayal keeps the wound open, creating a situation where:

• The injured partner is continually retraumatised.
• Honesty and transparency — pillars of couples counselling — are absent.
• The relationship cannot stabilise enough for meaningful work to begin.

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However, if the affair has ended and both partners are committed to rebuilding, couples counselling can be an incredibly powerful space for repair.

3. Severe Mental Health Concerns or Untreated Addiction

Couples therapy is not designed to treat acute mental health crises or uncontrolled addiction.

Examples include:

• Frequent suicidal ideation or self-harm.
• Active, untreated addictions (alcohol, drugs, gambling, etc.).
• Severe mood dysregulation or risky behaviours.

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In these situations, the individual’s safety and stability must come first. Individual therapy, psychiatric support, crisis services, or specialised addiction treatment should be prioritised. Once there’s more stability, couples counselling may become appropriate later.

A Final Thought

While couples counselling can be deeply healing, it isn’t the right tool for every situation. Abuse, active affairs, mental health crises, and addiction require a different level of support — often individual, specialised, or crisis-focused.

Every relationship is unique, and every couple’s needs are different. The key is recognising when couples therapy will help… and when another path will serve you better.

Future articles will dive deeper into these complex issues, especially the subtle forms of abuse that often go unnoticed.